AN: Rant time! I was listening to this song while I was on a REALLY boring vacation that lasted way too long, and after 11th time in a row, it suddenly hit me that about half of it describes Kanda perfectly. However, half of that half was somewhat sexual, so writing a character-centred fic that normal people and not only yaoi fangirls (mwahahaha) would read was out of question. AND I wanted another YuLavi fic, so. This was born on a sheet of paper - since at first I didn't have the PC there - which was filled in a very interesting way by the way, two vertical columns. Then I got the chance to type it - while being screamed at from below by little people such as my relatives.).
Happy birthday, Lavi!
As I said, I have been persuaded that Kanda's name is Yu and not Yuu, so that's how Ima call him from now on.
About: This fic is basically the story of Lavi's secret - and later not really - obsession with Kanda. ( I sense a certain Pandaman being really not happy with this. ...Screw him. )
Warnings: Slight angst, shonen-ai (slash), implied yaoi, LaviYu/YuLavi, language, sexual themes, etc. - ya know, the usual stuff.
Disclaimer: Lavi, Kanda, and -Man belong to Katsura Hoshino. The song title AND the lyrics provided below in the fic belong to Alice Cooper. That's it.
It has been two years since Lavi joined the Black Order. Being sharp as he was, he quickly learned everything there was to know about the place and the people there. Eventually, he knew almost everyone, and it didn't take long until Bookman Junior got attached to the place enough to call it 'home'. However, the one Order's mystery that he wanted to uncover the most, remained hidden away from him, no matter how hard he tried.
The distant, grumpy, ill-tempered Japanese Exorcist that made Lavi burn with curiosity, attracting him like a nightlamp's flame attracts a moth.
Ever since they've met, Lavi tried to get around Kanda's walls and get to know him. Unfortunately, Kanda just happened to be especially good at shutting people out. It wasn't just his reserved nature; his cold and even aggressive manner and anti-social tendencies made it impossible to get near him. Kanda would draw his sword if anyone even came within three feet distance from him. He obviously wasn't interested in what others may call 'human contact' and seemed completely happy with it. No one would address him unless they had something important to say - for example, a new mission,- not to mention, that no one except general Tiedoll and of course Lavi, who just was a combination of brave and blunt like that, dared to call Kanda by his first name.
However, there was one person that all those rules didn't seem to apply to. Lenalee Lee could not only address or even touch Kanda without being sliced, but she often would get a response out of him too. She was also capable of stopping him from hurting others - in fact, she was the one who saved Lavi after the first time he called the Japanese 'Yu-chan'. The redhead immediately told himself that he adored her way more than the grumpy long-haired boy, trying to deny something he didn't understand.
After getting over the phase of thankfulness, Lavi understood that he was in fact envying the girl for being close to Yu. He was so jealous it made him sick. Lenalee could do what no one else could, she even scolded Kanda! What was her secret? After a while of putting his Bookman skills to use, Lavi managed to find out that they in fact knew each other for a long time, ever since Kanda joined the Order. That explained it a bit, though Lavi couldn't help but feel a bit jealous. He still told himself he was only driven by curiosity called out by Kanda's mysterious appearance, however, he felt greatly relieved when he found out their relationship was more one of a siblings' one, and - after a while - when a white-haired boy named Allen joined the Order, and Lenalee got a liking to him.
While Kanda continued to draw his sword against the redhead at every opportunity.
He seemed to enjoy the fact that others feared him. He never wounded Lavi seriously though, and maybe that was what encouraged the Bookman Junior to go further.
Kanda always looked cold. Some people said that he didn't feel anything at all. Lavi wanted to know that. He always wanted to know what others didn't, that's why he became the Bookman's apprentice in the first place. And if it was true, he wanted to melt that ice on the samurai's heart. And so the assault on Kanda's invisible walls continued, even when it was life-threatening.
Kanda stops in his tracks and turns back, his eyes glinting with anger. "How many times do I have to tell you not to call me that?"
"Just several more -" Lavi shuts his mouth as he finds unsheathed blade up next to his throat. "H-hey, Yu...don't be so rash.."
Kanda snorts in annoyance and removes his sword, shallowly slicing the redhead's skin in the process. He watches the drops of blood appearing on Lavi's collar bone almost contented. "Learn to shut your mouth then," he says coldly and turns away.
Lavi gulps, pressing his scarf against the wound, but once the samurai turns, his hand flies to grab his hammer.
"Learn some manners, Yu," he pouts, and the head of now pillow-sized hammer collides with Kanda's.
Kanda manages to keep his balance. He's a bit dizzy for a moment though, what gives Lavi a bit of a head start, but then snaps completely. "IDIOT RABBIT!"
Lavi sprints down the hallway, half shivering for his life and half laughing insanely, Kanda chasing after him swinging the sword.
After many of such incidents, Kanda finally gave up on trying to slice Lavi up - unless he did something especially unappealing - and would just send him dangerous glares as signals to shut up or be gone. Those glares made everyone else shiver in fear for their lives, it had that power; but not on Lavi. The redhead would just give out his signature friendly smile, hoping that sooner or later, it will make Kanda ease up.
Your cruel device, your blood like ice
One look could kill; my pain, your thrill
Eventually, Lavi succeeded in getting closer to Yu. Well, as close as one can get to a person like him. However, Lavi wasn't sure if he should celebrate it.
Having the honor of being one of the few people that Kanda could at least stand, Lavi also had to deal with his friend's numerable issues. At first, Lenalee helped him a great deal, but as she got deeper and deeper involved with Allen Walker, Lavi soon found himself left alone to try and pertain Yu's loneliness. What he actually did with pleasure, since the guy was really interesting and deserved to be researched throughly. Lavi could keep his records on the grumpy Exorcist up and also enjoy the fact that he was the one special person who Kanda would even convert with - it made the young Bookman's inner self feel strangely accomplished and proud of himself.
But it couldn't last forever that perfectly.
Staying as close as possible 'for the sake of the records', one day Lavi understood that he was in fact falling for Kanda. The thought didn't make him happy at all. Of course, Lavi knew he was getting too attached to the Order and his friends, but he always hoped that friendship wouldn't really thwart his dream of becoming a Bookman. Love, however, was a completely different story.
He could feel free with Kanda as he would never ask any uncomfortable questions. Considering Lavi's true identity, they were somewhat the same: lonely, lost, yet sure of their paths forward. The samurai's calmness would help Bookman Junior concentrate on his thoughts, and he could see that his cheerful and friendly Lavi self sometimes even brought a tiny hint of a smile onto Kanda's face. It was like they both needed each other just to stay sane.
There also was another side to it. Lavi started feeling weird every time he approached the anti-social Exorcist. All the silly or slightly perverted jokes directed at Yu that Lavi used to enjoy cracking occasionally, now made the redhead feel embarrassed himself. Not to mention that the young samurai started appearing in Bookman Junior's casual dirty dreams, making him crazy. There always was a bed, sweat, moans, and a completely different side of Yu that Lavi wanted to discover. How would Kanda's face look like in a moment of heat, would he make sounds so unusual for himself or keep silent like a stone as Lavi claims him? And if the redhead continued with the thoughts after he woke up, it wouldn't take long for him to understand he was in fact getting aroused by it, while he would surely meet Kanda afterwards and not be able to stop these thoughts. Damn.
Lavi had such dreams before, like any normal teenage-who's-almost-an-adult, but it usually was half-abstract and not so reachable. This time it was different as the source of his fantasies would be somewhere close to him almost every day, and it was making him feel uncomfortable.
The worst part of this was that the next morning, the real, not-affectionate-towards-Lavi-at-all Yu would closely eye Lavi's face flushing deep red the moment he saw the long-haired man, and the suspicious staring didn't help it one bit. For a couple of times, Lavi even had to escape the cafeteria to the nearest bathroom, and he was really glad he had either a book or his long scarf with him at the time.
This couldn't last longer. Lavi had to do something.
First, he tried to focus on his work and avoid Kanda as much as he could. He was a future Bookman after all; he didn't have time for stupid things like crushes on his comrades. He would often sourly think to himself that the old man would be very pleased to see his choice in this matter.
But Lavi's heart thought otherwise. It didn't took long for him to start missing the morning fights and rare friendly conversations. The redhead started daydreaming about the swordsman instead, even while working, and that began to destroy his concentration and even affected his ability to memorize. Bookman soon noticed that his apprentice became distracted and that he couldn't focus on the records properly, so he told him he'd give him some more free time to take care of whatever was bothering him - after giving the disciple a good beating first, of course. Lavi felt guilty about being inadequate on his Bookman career, so he nodded, rubbing his head, like he always did, promising to take care of it somehow. But it wasn't that easy.
Lavi knew that under these circumstances, Bookman probably would allow a strictly physical relationship. But he already had some deeper feelings - it all started at the wrong end, so it seems. Of course, Lavi did want Kanda - the swordsman was incredibly beautiful and hot, after all, especially in Lavi's eyes - but there was a lot more. The redhead longed for Yu's trust, his look, his voice, his touch; he wanted to make him open himself and understand he's not alone. Lavi knew he wasn't supposed to feel that way, but once he got so involved with the feeling, he didn't want to lose it as it made him feel somewhat complete as a human. He even was determined to put up with his lose of focus because of that. He fell deeply and couldn't help it.
Poison, you're poison runnin' through my veins
You're poison...I don't want to break these chains
Finally, Lavi saw that avoiding the man of his dreams won't help, so he decided to try the opposite. Now he tried to spend as much time with him as possible, and it looked much like the old days, except that the redhead had to be rather careful because of his new affection.
Lavi was rather sure that if he told Kanda how he felt, the swordsman would slice him open right on the spot. However, as long as there was at least tiny possibility that Kanda felt the same way, Lavi couldn't give up. He just had to either confirm or reject that possibility, and he could be very stubborn when he wanted to.
And so, Lavi kept pursuing Kanda, watching him eat, train, and even sleep - the last part he could do only when they went on missions together, though. But it still was quite enough, and didn't really help Lavi to overcome his crush. He now often followed Kanda to watch him practising. Seeing his flawless body wielding the sword and sending any target crashing down with an outstanding accurity and the grace of a dance, only made Lavi drool over him and space out more - especially in the worst moments, like eating together or taking a bath - thinking what he'd like to do with the power's owner and that flexible, strong body of said.
Who was either completely oblivious or didn't give a damn. Kanda didn't seem to notice the cause of Lavi's weird behaviour nor his lustful gazes directed at him. In fact, Yu treated the redhead like before. He would still threaten to draw his sword when irritated, and his pretty mouth would still spit all kinds of venomous language towards anyone who got in his way. Lavi included. However, even that didn't make him cool off; just the opposite. He adored his secret desire's creative swearing, and every curseword coming out from behind those soft lips that he wanted to feel on his own so much, made a rather weird arousing effect on the redhead.
I want to kiss you but I want it too much
I want to taste you but your lips are venomous poison
Exhausted from the longing, stalking and trying to keep up his work at least as much so the old man could tolerate it, Lavi finally decided to take action. Sadly, the first few attempts failed miserably.
Kanda never liked to be touched, but strangely enough, he usually let the redhead get away with it - unless it was something completely inappropriate in his eyes. However, it seemed that hugs were in a completely different level on inappropriate in Kanda's book. Once Lavi did it in a hallway full of people - he missed Kanda so much since he was out on a mission, and here he was safe and sound! Lavi did it subconsciously, without even thinking first - big mistake. Bookman Junior got a beating so bad that he had to spend two days in the infirmary. That was something that Kanda would never do to him otherwise. It was definitely a set-back, but Lavi's determination only grew.
Afterwards, he did his best to control the sudden urges to glomp-attack the ill-tempered swordsman, minding his own health and safety. It was hard, as Lavi dreamed about holding Kanda in an embrace a bit too often; but the redhead kept looking for an opportunity to settle this once and for all. Unfortunately, this goal and his work would often cross over, and he always chose the first though he knew it was wrong.
Addiction. Lavi read all the literature he could find on it, but nowhere it said anything about being addicted to a person. It couldn't be love, definitely not. He was a Bookman after all, he didn't have feelings...or was it only what he was telling himself? Who knows. One think for certain, if the Bookman finds out about this, Lavi will get a severe punishment. But he can't quit it.
I want to love you, but I better not touch (don't touch)
I want to hold you but my senses tell me to stop
Every new day started with Lavi's new hope to get at least some kind of response from Kanda, without endangering his health - or even life - too much. Too bad that the samurai was always too honest - and of course, he never looked deeper into things. Lavi had a bad hunch that he actually never really understood the meanings behind the redhead's assaults.
There he is, coming down the hallway.
"Hey Yu!" Lavi grinned, like he always did. "Good morning!"
Kanda seemed to be in a good mood that day, he thought for a while if he should ignore the redhead and actually considered replying. "What is it, dumbass," he greeted the redhead.
Lavi grinned wider. "Do you like me?" he asked innocently, putting his hands behind his head.
Kanda raised his eyebrows. "I can barely stand you," he answered honestly and stomped past the redhead.
"Sa, Yu, that's so cold..." Lavi sighed, seeing the samurai disappear behind a corner.
He didn't say 'no' though. And so, day after day, Lavi keeps trying.
"Yu, I'm sitting with you."
"Yu, I think you need to cheer up. Let's go to the town."
"Yu, if there's a mission, I'm so going with you."
Lavi saw how irritated Kanda got every time he would open his mouth. The funny thing was, the swordsman didn't really ever do anything but scowl and, sometimes - threaten. It was like a stare-down game, and Lavi felt he was winning.
Of course, there were setbacks. Lots of them. But nothing too important. Kanda seemed to become somewhat tolerant towards the redhead.
And then one day it exploded.
By that time, Lavi already knew all of Kanda's daily routine, so he would know where to find him at a certain time of the day. He didn't see that as obsession, he simply wanted to know...or that was what he kept telling himself.
Lavi was walking down the hallway, humming happily. He knew that around this time, Kanda was supposed to go for lunch, and there was no way he would have missed a chance like that.
As soon as he turned around a corner, he felt himself being shoved against the wall forcefully. He blinked. It was Kanda.
Lavi immediately imagined a sudden, rough sexual act in the hallway and slowly started turning red. Kanda eyed him suspiciously for a while. Lavi looked back hopefully, trying to stop blushing. 'Come on come on, tell me you like me too, kiss me or something!' The Japanese Exorcist wasn't one to throw this kind of an assault on people. Maybe he understood? It had to take a complete idiot not to have realized what was up with Lavi after all this time.
As Yu opened his mouth, Lavi's fantasy suddenly broke into pieces and crashed around.
"Stop stalking me," the samurai hissed through gritted teeth, shaking Lavi by his collar.
...He had no idea.
"Why the hell are you doing it?"
"S-stalking you?" Lavi grinned nervously and squirmed, as Kanda's grip on his collar was almost strangling him. Not as planned. "I'm not stalking you."
"Then," Kanda shook him again, not loosening his hold at all, "how come I can't even go to the fucking bathroom without bumping into you?"
Lavi scratched the back of his head, then slumped against the wall, turning slightly blue. "I'd love to answer," he hissed hoarsely, "but I'm choking at the moment."
Kanda huffed irritatingly and let go of him. "Well?"
"The thing is.." Lavi said as he once again was getting enough air to survive, "I'm sure you don't wanna know.."
"I do if I'm asking," Kanda replied sharply, stubbornly staring him.
The redhead gulped, admiring Kanda's dark eyes and pale skin for a moment, then tried to gather his thoughts. "You see..."
Now or never. Better to be killed instantly than keep going like this.
"I...sorta...well, I think I have a crush on you."
Kanda slowly raised his eyebrows. "What," he said in a completely even tone.
Lavi blinked as he wasn't expecting such a flat answer. Did Kanda even know what it meant? "Ya know, us being friends and all," he said twirling his fingers and nervously glancing at Mugen hanging at Kanda's side, "well, you are more to me and uh...yeah. I love you." He covered his head expecting an explosion out of the swordsman.
Surprisingly, Kanda just looked at him for a while, his frown slowly fading. "Your jokes are getting old," he said, turned around and walked off.
Lavi looked after him. So he thought this was all there was. Was it...disappointment in Yu's voice? Oh shit. 'You really blew it, Lavi.' Now he was feeling guilty. Was it something he said? Crap. Crapcrapcrapcrap.
Lavi could never really understand what happened that day. He simply ran after Kanda, grabbed his shoulder, turned him around and talked, talked, talked. That it wasn't a joke. That he didn't care if Yu kills him if he'd prefer it to be one. That he loved him. And then he just went forward and kissed him.
Lavi had kissed Kanda Yu, and he survived.
Kanda was surprised, no doubt. He bit Lavi in the lip and yelled at him to finally stop joking around, and then Lavi said he was being serious. And then Kanda paled, stared at him and literally ran off.
Lavi was disappointed, but at least he was still alive.
The following week, Kanda kept avoiding him, and the week after that, everything seemed to be back to normal. However, now Kanda was especially hard on the redhead. He kept teasing and insulting him, and it didn't take long for Lavi to understand that he had fallen for a complete asshole. Unfortunately, that didn't change the fact.
After two more weeks passed, Kanda stopped him in the hallway again and asked if he really was serious. Lavi was slightly ticked off as he thought he was obvious enough the first time. Oh well, Kanda never was too sharp, he had to admit it. But he said it again.
And then Kanda said that it was alright, though he still wants to kill him. And gave him a kiss as well.
Since then, everything changed.
It didn't take long for them to start sleeping together - and that was no surprise, as they both had reasons to have nightmares that only another person's presence could cast away, and were in the age that longs for new discoveries the most. However, it was a while until it progressed to something else - what Lavi was secretly waiting for.
Kanda was always a rather mean person, and he didn't act any differently with Lavi either. However, now Lavi had a way to get back at him after the day's scolding and threatening he would receive from his not-so-loving-lover. Yu's issues and violence never startled Lavi; one way or another, it was his diva, his Yu. And he just loved getting back at him at night, making him repeat his name, not in the cold sneering manner, but in the passionate way that only Lavi could make him to. Such moments were worth way more than a bit of health-endangering, and Lavi would often be rougher than necessary, just so he could hear Kanda sound differently than he usually did.
Lavi's breath was hot as he nuzzled Kanda's neck.
The other turned at him with a blank face. "I thought you wanted to sleep," he said flatly, turning away from him.
Lavi looked hopefully at Kanda's back but got no response.
"Well then." The redhead wrapped his arms around Kanda, kissing his shoulder. He could feel the small shivers the touch was sending through Kanda's skin. The flawless pale skin that he was now freely allowed to touch...kiss...just like the whole beautiful Yu.
Kanda's eyes widened, then he frowned. "What do you think you're doing?"
Lavi just smiled, not loosening his grip so Kanda wouldn't move, and then suddenly turned him on his back. "Wouldn'tcha wanna know," he said, stretching Yu's arms to the sides and pressing them down while kissing his neck.
"Lavi!" Kanda sounded angry, but his tone suddenly changed once Lavi's tongue began working on his tattoo. "La..Lavi.." Shit.
Lavi smirked, releasing Kanda and sliding his hands down the slim body below his. "I'm here for you, Yu-chan," he cooed and pulled off his pants.
That night, once again they slept without a blanket on as it wasn't cold anymore.
I hear you calling and it's needles and pins
I want to hurt you just to hear you screaming my name
Lavi, being overly-well-educated as he was, managed to tame the viciousness that was Kanda Yu. However, he could never let down his guard, as he later found out. Kanda was a quick learner, and that was especially obvious when it came to the question of control. He just wouldn't give up, and if Lavi didn't have a decent plan, Kanda would win. Even though Lavi still had the advantage in pure physical strength - which he used rather successfully - it didn't take long for Kanda to understand what he could use to his advantage.
The very simple fact: Lavi adored him and...was scared of him. It was true, though not really obvious; Lavi often teased Kanda but he always knew he would get away with it. However, on those rare occasions when Kanda got really mad, he could see a hint of fear glinting in the redhead's eyes.
With a happy smile, Lavi snuggled against the dark-haired man's chest. "I love you."
"Tch." Kanda's voice didn't have the usual sharpness. His arm was loosely tossed around Lavi's shoulders - a kind of gesture that no one else would ever achieve.
"I knew it," Lavi answered, smiling wider. He knew this was the best answer he could expect, and Kanda never was one to throw words around. He would simply act, the way he saw suitable or the way his feelings told him - it was hard to believe he could have those at all, but he simply never showed them.
Actually, Lavi wasn't too pleased when Kanda used his nearly murderous means to get to him. Then again, maybe it was fair that way - Yu didn't really have any knowledge about sex, just his principles of complete domination.
If Lavi didn't think so, he could have simply turn and leave when he thought Kanda was too rude, too harsh, too irrational. But he never did. He knew Kanda was a grumpy jerk, and he still saw him as a godly creature on Earth he was lucky to run into. And at the times Lavi managed to get the control back into his hands again, he never even remembered thinking about those things at all. His obsession now belonged to him and no one else, body and soul. He was happy.
Don't want to touch you but you're under my skin (deep in)
I want to kiss you but your lips are venomous poison
The Bookman was definitely suspecting something, that's for sure. The first time Lavi limped into the library after a not-so-peaceful night, the old man send him a long, disappointed glare. But he didn't say anything. Nor the next time, nor the time after that.
Lavi could feel the sight of his goal slipping away, and the futility of the cause. He knew all about Kanda's life draining itself away faster than normal person's does; he also knew that as a successful Bookman, he would live long. That he needed to work hard to become one and not stride from his path, and he couldn't let anything or anyone thwart with that... And yet he couldn't stop. Like deadly poison, Kanda burned through and took over the Bookman Junior. The ill-tempered samurai was like some maniac fire in Lavi's mind and soul; he was consumed before he ever had the chance to think about the consequences.
But he didn't care.
Right there and now, it was him and Yu, and so much ahead of them before it all ends.
I hope you liked it, reviews are appreciated as always. Tell me what you like the most, I'm determined to improve my writing as time passes. (English isn't my first language by the way, so forgive me if my vocabulary is a bit boring, sa.) Thank you for reading!