A/N - This is it, the end, guys! It's been a long ride, but at least it's been fun! ;0P
CH 14: The Measure of Love is Loss
I stood overlooking the ocean with my arms hugging my body for warmth, yet I could feel nothing but the inevitable chill as the waves crashed against the rocks. It had now been two weeks since Jack's death, and I was surprisingly handling it a lot better than I thought I would. Then again, I'd known all along that Jack had wanted to die; I could see it in his eyes, in the way he smiled. Every time he spoke of the mysteries of life, I could tell by his tone that he'd like nothing more than to have something come along and destroy him, but he'd never been cowardly enough to end it all on his own.
After Jack's death, I'd started having random mood swings and sick days, but at first I'd naturally chalked it up as stress over the current events of my life. When it persisted, I went to the doctor with the hopes of getting a prescription of some sort, but I was soon informed that I was pregnant. Pregnant, and without a dime to my name. Thankfully I was offered my old job as assistant DA, but I was truly more concerned with what my baby would look like. Now I know that this sounds odd, but the thought of seeing Jack's traits in my future child terrified me -- it still does, for that matter. True, I would love to have something to remember him by other than a jar of ashes, but I just don't know how I could handle him being so close to me, and yet so far. Hell, I didn't even realize how deeply he'd buried his way into my heart until a few weeks ago, so now that a night of passion in my bathroom, of all places, has saddled me up with a child, I honestly don't know what to do.
Alfred has naturally been very supportive of me, but Bruce has kept his distance ever since I made it clear that there was no future for us. It's not like I'm trying to punish myself by ignoring all male affection, but I genuinely don't love Bruce or any other man in the way that I should. I've learned that when they say there's limited room in your heart that it's completely true, because when I realized that I'd loved Jack all along, there was no longer any place in my heart for another man...not even for Harvey (God rest his soul).
I suppose it's obvious (judging by my last statement) that I regained some of my memory, and I'm proud to say that I've remembered enough to turn my life back around. To get even more "in sync" with my true origin, I dyed my hair its original color so I could kiss the life of Harleen Quinzel goodbye. She's a reminder of all the pain I've suffered, of all the pain I've suffered because of him, so I know that in the long run I'll be thanking myself for this rather shallow change.
Turning to see Alfreed approaching me with Jack's ashes, I smiled fondly at my dear friend before taking the burial urn from his hands.
"Are you sure you're ready for this?" he asked, his features reflecting his concern.
I nodded, but my stance went rigid with self-doubt. "I have to" I finally decided. "I've been holding onto his ashes for a week now, and I know Jack would hate being in one place for the rest of his life. If I don't let him go now, I'll...I'll never be able to."
Alfred gave me a sympathetic smile before placing a hand on my shoulder. "Then do it, love, for both of your sakes."
Nodding, I took a deep breath and lifted the lid off the urn, my vision blurring with as I peered down at the ocean from the cliff. The waves were surprisingly calm as they crashed against the rocks, and in a way their unpredictable gentleness reminded me of Jack.
Holding the urn out in front of me as if I were offering it to the sky, I finally turned my wrist and watched Jack's ashes blend into the wind and scatter about in maddening patterns. Somehow the sight caused me to smile my first true smile in months, my hand covering my heart as I whispered the words that had initially brought us together: "Until we meet again."
A/N - Laaaame, but I tried. lol The story's come full circle since the Joker's first lines in chapter one of "An Unhealthy Obsession" was "Until we meet again", so yeah...Rachel said them at the end. Yay. lol I'd envisioned this being far better than it actually is, but that's usually what happens when I wait and wait to write. Oh well, hopefully you liked it, anyway! The title's borrowed from one of the lines from the poet Margaret Gibson's work. :) She's got beautiful poetry, and I hate poetry, so that means something! lol In other news, I FINALLY finished chapter one of my new story "Jack's Descent", so if you're interested, please take a look. :) It's an AU Jokachel/Jackachel set first when they're in college, then after the tragic accident, six years later at Harvey's fundraiser. Alright, I'm done...and not wanting to go to class tomorrow. Bah.