Title: Crying Disease
Author: Ana
Challenge: The Album Challenge
Challenger: morlockiness
Rating: PG?
Timeline: Post-X2
Summary: John was a gentleman--what a silly notion to have, now that he's so different.
Disclaimer: I don't own X-Men or any of its characters, and, depressingly enough, I don't own the song "X Amount of Words" by Blue October.
Author's Note: This is more a drabble than anything else, all in Kitty's perspective.
WARNINGS: Nothing comes to mind.


Crying Disease

St. John Allerdyce. Pyro. That fucking asshole. I just can't believe him. I can't believe how he can be so inconsiderate, so frustrating, so annoying, so damn heartless. I mean, I know that he never really cared about any of us, not even Bobby, who was amazingly his best friend, but how could he just leave us? How could he give up so easily on the X-Men? How could he be such a coward?

There are a lot of things that I can understand if I try to put my head around. I can sympathize with some of his errors or whatever. But even I have my limits. Seriously, burning those cops like Bobby and Rogue told me he did was just plain wrong. I don't know what got into him or anything like that, but he hasn't always been so heartless. Not always.

Once upon a time, before Rogue ever came to the school, he was actually sweet to me. Not nice, not kind. I don't think John could ever be nice, per se, but he can be sweet if he tries. He was so sweet to me, actually. And it's wasn't entirely me—although I'm still rather glad to admit that it was mostly me that he was sweet to—but he actually had some compassion for a lot of the people there. "Some" meaning a very minute amount, but that's still more than what he shows now.

But he could be sweet. He was quite a gentleman, actually. He'd open doors for me and say, "Ladies first," like any other normal person (or mutant). He would talk to me, just talk. He wouldn't push me into things. But I guess he got over that. He got too frustrated with things. With Xavier and Magneto. With being sweet.

It had never been that easy for him anyway. He did it for me, I know, so I think that's what hurt me the most. If he stopped being sweet altogether, then I obviously wasn't good enough for him. But it wasn't cold turkey. He didn't stop overnight. It probably would've been better for me if he had, but that short amount of time that he was sweet was probably the only time in his life that he ever thought about anyone but himself.

No, it was slower. He started pushing thing. He started being meaner and meaner to everyone. Even me. It took a long time for me to even notice the difference between how he was acting then and how he had acted a couple months before that because it was so slow, but, when I did, when I realized what he was doing, when I realized he was pushing everyone away, that he was running away from it all, I couldn't stop crying.

I don't think I'll ever understand him. He'll always be in the back of my mind, constantly reminding me of what he can be and what he chooses to be. No, he shouldn't mean a thing to me now, not since he gave me the "crying disease," as I've dubbed it. He left us for Magneto. He should just be some stupid memory in the back of my head, not important at all. I shouldn't think about him at all. I mean, I haven't seen him in months.

But the worst part of it is that, despite the fact that I haven't seen him in months, I still think about him every day. I never really got what he was until he left, tear-stained pillows everywhere in my room, but I get it now. He's just a little coward. But, as much as he should mean absolutely nothing to me, he still means everything.