Disclaimer: I in no way own or am afflicted in anyway with SquareEnix, who just happens to own both of the characters mentioned in this fic.
Author's Notes: So to clear up a few things before we begin. None of the stories talked about in this fic actually exists. Or if they do, I do not have knowledge of them. Second of all, I took all of the definitions off Wikipedia, so if it sounds like it's from a dictionary, it probably is. Third of all, yes, this is the infamous plot bunny that's been threatening my very sanity for the past four or five days. Thank the gods it's finally over and done with.
Dedicated to: misumisu84 (on Live Journal) for giving me the idea, even thoguh she doesn't know it, and to rainbowserenity (also on Live Journal) for being made of awesome. You shall see why when you read the story. And to torncorpse for putting up with my crazy ideas and non spelling and grammar knowing self.
There was a ripple of pure shock that was apparent on Sephiroth's face. For some odd reason, Zack was taking pride in being the person who had put that look of shock on the revered general's face. After all, there wasn't much that could shock or surprise Sephiroth, but some how Zack had finally managed it.
"So what do you think sir?" Zack asked, a look of pure joy and excitement evident on his face.
"About what?" Sephiroth asked, obviously trying to gain back some of his usual calm and composure.
"About the web site of course!" Zack said the words as though the question had been completely unnessacary.
"I'm," Sephiroth began before leaning forward to read over the description of the web site Zack had insisted on showing him again. "I'm not sure."
"Well I think it's great!" Zack said as he leaned over to take control of the black wireless mouse once more. "Here you have to read this one story, it's amazing!"
"What in Gaia's name?" Sephiroth asked as he leaned forward and first read the title of the supposed composition, followed by the author given rating, and the pairing it contained. "Does that say what I think it says?"
"Yup!" Zack beamed as he said it. "Can you imagine? They actually think that you and Cloud doing it would be hot!"
"Hardly. The boy's so small I'd probably snap him in half," Sephiroth said dryly, not at all assumed by the sudden amount of attention paid to him and his imagined sexual exploits.
"That's what I said! But you know, it is kind of interesting to picture," Zack stated as he eased a hip onto the edge of the heavy wooden desk.
"Where in the world do these people get such ideas?" Sephiroth asked, half to Zack and half to himself as he prepared himself for the worst and moved on to the actual story.
"I don't know, I thought your use of ketchup as lube was kind of inventive," Zack said as he began to examine his short nails.
"Hardly. It sounds like a huge mess," Sephiroth muttered before continuing to read. It was against his better judgement, but for some reason he just couldn't manage to tear his eyes away from the illuminated computer monitor in front of him.
"And when you're done with that one I have another one to show you. Why do people always want to pair me with Cloud or Angeal? I mean, yeah, Angeal was one hot piece of ass, no doubt about it. No offense," Zack quickly corrected himself, his previous statement earning a glare from Sephiroth "But he was one sexy piece of man meat."
"That's a wonderful sentiment Zack. I'm sure if Angeal was here he would thank you for that."
"Before or after he kicked my ass for such a completely vulgar statement?"
"Good to know. But my point is, why is it always me and Angeal? And why do I always end up being the bottom? Do I seem like that much of a fucking uke?"
"Pardon my slowness, but what in the holy hell is a uke?" Sephiroth asked, knowing he would regret it.
"The submissive partner in a homo-sexual relationship. Seriously Seph, you would think a smart guy like you would know these things."
"Sorry, Zack, but unlike you I don't spend my free time reading smut on the internet."
"Slash actually," Zack corrected.
"Yeah slash. A genre of fan fiction dealing with homo-sexual relationships or sexual encounters. Seriously Seph! Don't you read?"
"Of course I read! Just not this," Sephiroth stopped, trying to find the proper word for what the so called story could possibly be labeled as. "This, mindless smut!"
"Oh! You wanted mindless smut! I can help you with that!" Zack said as he jumped up and moved to once again take control of the mouse. "Were you finished with this?"
"Good." Zack said and set to finding the supposed mindless smut. A few clicks later and new page was loaded on the computer, waiting for consumption by the unknowing general.
"What did I do to deserve this?" Spehiroth muttered as he pinched the bridge of his nose and closed his eyes, silently wishing that when he opened them again Zack would be gone, leaving him to finish his paper work. Unfortunately for Sephiroth, and for Zack's own well being, he was still there when the general opened his eyes.
"You know, this stuff is actually quite addicting. Once you read one, it's like you can't stop," Zack said absent mindedly. "It's like it just sucks you in until all you can do is just sit there and let it wash over you in huge waves of smut and sexual excitement."
"I bet." Sephiroth said, groaning at Zack's inability to actually describe anything properly. "I just bet."
"You can thank me when you're done," Zack said with a huge smile on his face, before moving to once again sit on the edge of the rich cherry wood.
It wasn't as bad as it could have been, Sephiroth had to admit, but the things people managed to have him use for lubricant still shocked him. Really, he honestly couldn't see how using cheese from a spray can would be that much better then just forgoing the use of lubricant all together.
"So, what did you think?" Zack asked once Sephiroth had leaned back in his chair and shut his eyes, hands coming up to rub at his temples.
"I think you, along with the author and readers of this so called "work of fiction" are a bunch of sad, sick little puppies."
"Why thank you. I do think I fill that role quite well," Zack said, his look of pride returning along with his trade mark smile.
"Anything else you would like to torture me with?" Sephiroth asked, hoping that this would be that Zack would be satisfied now that he had read not one, but two of the atrocities that people had called works of fiction.
"I don't see how getting to have sex with me would be such torture," Zack said, a pout forming on his full lips.
"Oh for the love of all that is good and holy! It's just a story!" Sephiroth yelled, irritation lacing his voice.
"And no, I'm not done yet. You have to read this one about me and Cloud. Seriously, why do people always pair me with him? And now they've even come up with a couple name for us, can you believe that?"
"Yes, I can actually."
"Don't you want to know what it is?"
"Clack. Who comes up with these things?"
"I wouldn't know."
"But anyway, back to my orginal point. Why do they insist on having me and Cloud fuck each other? I mean yeah, I get to be the seme, but still."
"I know I'm going to regret this, but what in Ordin's name is a seme?"
"The dominate partner in a homo-sexual relationship. Seriously, I'm surprised you don't know any of this." Zack said as he once again moved to take the mouse in hand, leading them from one web page to another.
"And I can honestly say I'm surprised you do."
"There you go. Now I have to warn you," Zack said, whipping around so fast his hand missed hitting Sephiroth in the nose by mere centimeters. Despite the glare that evident on his superior face, Zack continued. "This one is a little weird. I'm not quite sure why I find the use of a tooth brush so erotic, but I do."
"You might want to close your mouth, I think it's starting to attract flies." Zack said nearly ten minutes later. He was completely and thoroughly pleased with himself. Not only had he managed to shock and dismay the general, he had also managed to render him speechless.
"That was," Sephiroth began, some how managing to get the words out. "I'm not quite sure what that was."
"Kind of hot through wasn't it?"
"You could say that."
"See, I told you! I knew you would enjoy it! Now I'm going to leave you a list of my favorites, along with the web address to read at your leisure," Zack said, taking the folded piece of paper out his pocket.
"You planned this didn't you?"
"Naturally. Besides, Seph my long haired, apparently sex god like but boring as all hell in real real life friend, I shall leave you to your smut. Happy reading!" Zack said as he jumped down off the desk and made his way to the door.
Sephiroth waited ten full minutes after Zack had left before picking up the piece of paper and unfolding it. Scanning the names and apparent pairings, he picked the first one that sounded interesting and typed the web address into his browser. Zack was right, as it would turn out, this stuff was addicting.