One day, we were all sitting around the couch when Alice started laughing so hard, it looked the couch was going to split in two. Then, moments later Edward began doing the same thing. Before any of us could say anything, Edward spoke.
"Everyone in the Volvo!"
"And we're all going to fit how?" I asked, already nervous.
"Simple. You sit in my lap, Alice in Jasper's and Rosalie in Emmett's."
"You are so strange. Can't you just tell me where we're going?"
"Nope. Don't you ever like surprises?"
"Only from you. Now tell me because this is the wrong vampire to mess with. You have 10 seconds to tell me where we're going before I go kiss Emmett."
"I don't think you would."
Alice, probably having seen that I was serious raised an eyebrow at Edward. He fell out of his chair.
"Time's up, Eddie-poo."
I walked over to Emmett, and kissed him. Edward, nearly about to explode with jealousy, started shaking.
"Jeez, calm down." I walked over to him and kissed him even more deeply than I had Emmett.
"Much. Okay, undead. Into the car."
After we were all situated in our odd seating arrangements, Edward and Alice finally told us where we were going.
"WALMART!" They shouted together.
"Alice, dear," I said, "Are you feeling okay? Did you really stoop that low?"
"We're not shopping."
"And that means?"
Alice looked at me like I was a basket case.
"Pranks. Jeez, Bella. You are so dumb sometimes. Pay attention."
Edward's arm suddenly shot out, and then, my best friend was no longer in the car with us. I saw her running beside it, easily keeping pace.
"Thank you." Edward replied, turning his head to right, and then turning his face up to kiss my nose.
I jumped. I hadn't noticed Alice get back in the car. My soon to be family started laughing at me then.
"Stop it. Just shut up, and let's go annoy these people. Now."
That only made them laugh harder. Edward picked me up and we all walked in the door. As soon as were in the bowels of the store, Alice turned to us.
"Okay, I'll go first as an example and then we can all take turns."
We all mumbled our agreement.
Alice walked over to a guy, about 30 years old, and his girlfriend.
"Hi," Alice said to him. "What's your sign? You're pretty cute! Can I have your number?"
"Um, no? I have a girlfriend. Sorry."
"Oh. That's okay. I totally understand." Alice turned to the woman.
"Hi," Alice said to her. "What's your sign? You're pretty cute! Can I have your number?"
"No! Jeez! I'm so not interested."
"That hurts!" Alice screamed. "Equal rights for bi-sexuals!"
She ran back over to us.
"That kind of stuff. Oh my God, Bella! Do it!"
Everyone, but Alice and Edward, who were laughing, looked at me with raised eyebrows.
"Edward, give me your jacket. Alice, eye shadow."
I put on the make up so that I looked like I was depressed and hadn't slept for a while. I then put on Edward's jacket, and because it was too7 big, it made me look small. I hunched my shoulders, and grabbed a tissue from Alice. I then shuffled over to the guns and hunting section, my family slyly and inconspicuously following. I walked up to the guy at the gun counter, sniffling."Excuse me, sob sir, sob can you help me sniff ?"
"Oh course," he said, looking at me strangely.
"Do you where the anti-depressants are? Right now I feel like I could just take a gun and it all! You know?"
"Aisle 7." He said, looking terrified.
I shuffled off, and the minute I turned away from him, I began silently laughing. Although to him it would look like I was still crying. I rounded the corner, and flew back to my family.
"How was that?" I asked.
They were all laughing. Edward scooped me up in his arms.
"Oh my God! I thought his eyes were going to pop out of his head. He's debating on whether or not to take his break now to get out of the store for a few minutes. Who's next?"
Rosalie immediately shrieked, "My turn!"
She walked up to a man father down the aisle from us.
"Oh. My. GOD!" she screamed. "I haven't seen you in so long! I missed you!" She bent her head and made out with him for a few seconds. The she screamed, "WHY DIDN'T YOU CALL ME?" She then slapped him and walked away.
Edward grabbed me by the wrist, the others tagging along.
"Pretend you're absolutely terrified."
"Because. I'm going to kill you." He smiled my favorite crooked smile and pulled me to the aisle with duct tape.
"Pick a color."
"NOW! PICK A COLOR! BEFORE I GET ANGRY! DO YOU WANT TO MAKE ME ANGRY?"
I shook my head, my mouth open and eyes bugging out, grabbing a random roll of tape and throwing into the cart. He pulled a cloth strip from Alice's back. He quickly gagged me with it. He had two more in his hand. He bound my wrists and feet, slinging me over his shoulder.
"Start struggling." He murmured to me. I started thrashing around.
He also bought rope, a large gym bag, a couple bricks, a very big knife, and then walked over to the gun department.
"I need a gun."
"Um, two day waiting period." The man said looking at me thrashing about on Edward's shoulder.
"I know. I already have waited. My name is Mike Newton."
I tried not o laugh. Mike Newton? Nice, Edward. The man gave Edward the totally outrageously large gun.
"May I ask what you are going to do with that?"
"Um, I'm going to ki-hunt! Hunt with my wife, here. Got to go. Bye!"
Edward sprinted off toward to registers. He got some lipstick and drew a very convincing little bullet hole on my fore head.
"Into the body bag."
I climbed into the bag. He slung me, again, over his shoulder and proceeded. He dumped everything onto the counter. The man began scanning things. When I felt him try to pick up the bag, I heard Edward gasp softly. The man started to unzip the bag…