(with commentary by Claire Lyons)
February 14th, 1995. Room 9 in the Birth & Labor Center of the St. Judith general hospital. A sweaty and exhausted Kendra Block makes a very large effort into bringing her one and only daughter into the world.
Meanwhile, William Block faints at the sight of it. The baby must have been really ugly.
Kuh-laire! What are you doing in my autobiography?
Uh…I'm in it, remember? Claire Lyons, best friend #5?
Ugh, whatever. Just shut up.
Anyway…no, the baby was actually quite beautiful, but nawt as pretty as the alpha she would become. Massie Michelle Block was named after Kendra's godmother's godmother Massie, and William's sisters' god sister's aunt, Michelle. However, there would only be one Massie M. Block: Me.
Actually, if you Google it, you get almost 65,000 hits. If you search Massie M. Block you get 37,700 hits, if you search Massie Block you get 99,600 hits, and if you search Massie you get 2,560,000 hits. Massie M. Block isn't so unique, Mass.
Shut up! Anyway. I was a very talented and good-looking individual. At age two I learned how to sing Twinkle, Twinkle, and at age three I could count to 100. At age four—
You began to drink coffee.
No…? I don't even drink coffee now, at age fourteen! How could I—
Then what's this little note card about beans? You must mean java beans, right? You hate refried, black, lima, and baked so obviously you must mean java. Am I clever or what?
Bean. As in Bean!
Yeah. Java beans.
No! Bean as in my black pug that you're ah-nnoying little brother Todd always physically traw-mah-tizes! Besides, I didn't get Bean until I was in fourth grade, nawt when I was four!
Ohhh…that Bean. My thumb was covering the 'th grade' part. Woops.
Yes, Kuh-laire. You can't see it, audience, but I'm rolling my eyes right now.
Ah, yes. You're "perfectly rounded spheres of glistening amber that bear into mine and simply melt my heart".
What?! Where did you hear that?!
It's in this note card, marked "Derrick Quotes".
Give me those note cards! Be quiet and listen to the autobiography!
Without me, your audience would have been asleep by Twinkle, Twinkle.
That's nawt true! Nobody falls asleep when Massie Block is in the room!
the silence is deafening
Oooo-kay, then. She must've left. At age four, I did not start drinking coffee. Rather, I began the academic suh-noozer that is school. I went to Westchester Preschool, with all the other EW's that wouldn't be able to afford Briarwood or OCD when the time came. We'll call them PUL: Poor Unfortunate Losers. Now, school was really all about studying for me when I entered Westchester Elementary with a few of the PUL's. Everyone was sort of my equal, but none of them—LBR's, EW's, and PUL's alike—were worthy of my friendship. I wasn't alpha yet, but everyone—faculty and students alike—knew I was special and had the potential to succeed. It was only until—
Uh…Kuh-laire? Gawd, you are so—ugh! Anyways: It was only until 3rd grade that I became an alpha…because it was when I met my best friends—
wakes up What? Oh, yeah—ME!!
No, nawt you, Claire! I met you in sev-uhnth grade, nawt third!
Oh yeah. Well…ZZZZZZZZZZZ…
Okay, then. When I first locked eyes with Alicia—
I knew we would be BFFs—and we were! Instantly, we formed the Pretty Committee. We were the first GLU Council. We quickly became the hawtest thing in Westchester District since Louis Vuitton! No one could add up to our popularity. No. One.
Gah—fine! Fast-forward to seventh grade, puh-lease!
The beginning of seventh grade marked the entrance of new student and Westchester resident: Kuh-laire Ly-uhns.
Yeah…supposedly Claire's dad was my dad's college BFF. Of course, our moms became BFF at first sight. For Bean and Todd, it was hate at first sight. Same with me and Claire. We couldn't stand each other.
That's why you love me.
ANYWAY—of course, the PC hated her, too. They had to. Kristen had taken some sort of liking to Claire when they first met, but it soon evaporated. Haha, Claire, remember when Alicia painted a big red spot on your pants in Art Class? Hahaha…
Yeah. Nawt funny.
clears throat Sorry. We put up with Claire…sort of. She stole my IM and turned the PC against me, but we showed her. Big time. I sort of softened up, though, when we were forced to work together on the OCD Uniform Design contest due to the carelessness of my housekeeper, Inez…I never forgave Inez to this day.
Excuse me? If it wasn't for her, we never would've been friends!!
I'm just kidding, Claire. Chillax. Why are you here, anyway?
I don't know. Thought'd be fun.
Ugh…well, I sort of declared Claire in after we almost won the contest. Well, we would have, if Alicia and her new friend Olivia Ryan…
…hadn't switched the ballad boxes. Once Alicia was Out, Claire was In.
Score one for Claire!
Yeah. Alicia was eventually declared back In, and Claire was allowed to stay In. Now we move onto my first love—
Eww, no! What makes you think that?!
Well, you had your first kiss with Todd.
Correction: He kissed me! And it was mostly your fault.
MY fault? How is it my fault?
If it wasn't for you, Cam wouldn't have given you that CD and Todd wouldn't have had to kiss me to stall! Evidence, my drab friend.
Don't call me drab!
Ugh—that's it, I'm leaving!
Okay, I think she's gone. Now—Derrick. sighs Derrick Herrington was commonly known as Derrington, my first boyfriend. At first I liked Cam, but Kuh-laire went and stole him. Hooray. Well, Derrington and I hit it off, buuuut things happened, words were said, and he dumped me. Poo.
I'd like to make it clear once and for all: I had a boy that Massie could never have. Score one for Claire!
I thought you left!
Whatever! What's your point, Claire?!
I don't know. I need to make your autobiography interesting.
It is interesting! Why don't you go make your own autobiography?
Hey, that's not such a bad idea. See you later, Mass! Remember—I know where you live.
Right back at'cha, Kuh-laire!
And don't even think about commentating mine!
I wasn't planning to.
Until now. ;)
DISCLAIMER: I do not own Clique, or this fiveshot idea, for that matter. This idea was by HDRFan1, author of "The Autobiography of Derrick Harrington", a oneshot far funnier than mine. ¾ of the credit goes to her, and ¼ goes to me, since I wrote this Massie one. Next update: Claire! L8r, g8rs!