Disclaimer: I own nothing.


He hated England.

Susan would set him up on dates with her friend's younger sisters, threatening him to remember to be a gentleman.

He would be a gentleman, too. He would greet her parents, pay for dinne, offer her his coat when it was cold, and walk her to her door at night.

Susan would still get frustrated with him though, because he wouldn't hold their hand or kiss them goodnight. He wasn't interested in any of those girls, not as girlfriends, not even as friends.

Susan would ask him why he was being weird and not being interested in girls. His mother would always step in and say he just wasn't mature enough yet, that being a growing boy with school work was all he needed to worry about.

Susan would shake her head and walk away, not defeated, just worried. He knew Susan knew all about his bedmates in Narnia, and she was more or less okay with it. He also knew she knew about his secret strikeobession/strike infatuation, but she was nice enough to never tell anyone.

When they got back to England though, she pressured him to like girls. He really, really tried to, and she could see that. She felt bad, but knew it was for her brother's own good to be around females. She could sometimes be mean about it, but it was out of love. They both knew that.

Still, as the years added up and he was turning 16, he still had yet to find a girl. This was mostly because he didn't want to find one, but he knew for his safety, he had to. One time, when Susan was feeling extreme in her conquests, told him horror stories about concentration camps and what they did to people like him there.

It scared the hell out of him, and after hearing those stories he tried harder. He would hold the girl's hand and kiss her good night, smiling the entire time. As soon as she was gone though, his smile would fade and an empty hole would grow deep within his chest.

They both knew it was hopeless, but she continued to try.

Edmund just wished he could his live his life how he wanted to. He wished it was okay to lie in bed with another man in England, the way he did in Narnia.

He just wanted to be himself, with the one he loved most.

He would never act on those emotions though.

They were wrong, ugly, sinful and-

That's what Susan had told him, when she learned of his secret. He told her he would never act on them, no matter how much he wanted to. He could tell Peter wanted him, maybe just as bad as he wanted Peter.

He couldn't- no, wouldn't do it. Not because it was wrong morally, but because he refused to damage Peter.

He wouldn't bring Peter down to this level of hell, he loved him far too much for that.

So, when Edmund shot himself in the head, everyone was surprised.

Everyone except Susan, who nodded her head at Edmund's casket, tears silently escaping her.