Previously: Jacob & Nessie get their acts together and are now blissfully happy as they should be. The only unhappy party, however, is Edward Cullen, who is subject to Jacob's rather graphic and lewd thoughts. Alice teases him with a pregnant Renesmee image and Edward is not happy - he's too old to become a grandpa!
Mission: Sex-Education Brief Summary: Edward takes it upon himself to prevent future grandchildren.
The Cullens and all those connected to the Cullens – namely Jacob and Charlie Swan – were spending a rather blissful and lethargic evening in front of Carlisle's newly acquired HD television that was easily the size of a baby elephant. To the average outsider, it would have seemed like a rather pleasant and quiet sort of night, but to Edward Cullen, it was a time of crisis and turmoil.
He was so distracted with the thoughts all around him that he didn't even notice when his right hand, innocently placed on Bella's left knee, started clenching the very life out of her kneecap.
"Edward," she whispered into his ear and squeezed his elbow urgently.
"Not now, Bella," he hissed back, busily staring bullet holes into a certain Jacob Black's head. His hand clenched tighter and Bella slapped at his arm.
"You're hurting me, Edward," she whined. He finally noticed what he was doing and immediately let go, profusely apologizing to her under his breath.
Sprawled out on the floor in front of them were Renesmee and Jacob. Jacob's back was against the foot of the couch and Renesmee was nestled in between his legs, cuddling with her back against his chest. It had been just a few days since the two of them had acknowledged their love for each other and consequently consummated their newfound relationship. And Edward had been hearing all about it – to his bitter dismay – ever since. Much of this was because of the overgrown werewolf constantly hanging about; Jacob either couldn't or didn't try to censor his thoughts anymore.
Currently, Nessie was smiling serenely and every so often, she would stroke Jacob's wrist, caress his arms, raise her head up to kiss his jaw… all seemingly innocent touches. Except Edward knew better. Edward knew that with each skin on skin contact, she was using her power to send her werewolf lover very graphic memories and visions of their previous… trysts.
He growled under his breath, wondering whether he wanted to strangle Jacob or lock Nessie up in the attic. Perhaps both, he thought to himself amusedly before remembering to be angry again.
Before he could successfully block their thoughts out, he was hit with a rather vivid vision of his own daughter getting on her knees and staring at Jacob's –
Edward sputtered loudly and incoherently, realizing what he was seeing. Bella glanced at him worriedly and rubbed a comforting hand along her husband's back as he tried to force himself to calm down.
On the floor, Jacob was experiencing a rather different reaction to the particularly pleasant memory Nessie had just sent him. His body was tensing up and his arms automatically squeezed her against him. He could feel Nessie's grin against his skin as she tucked her head into the crook of his neck.
Nessie's fingers fluttered across his bare, muscled arm and again, he was assaulted with images of a particularly hot night they'd spent by the deserted beach. Too caught up in the memory to witness Edward's uncontrollable convulsing behind him, he caught Nessie's ear with his teeth and whispered, "Let's go back there tonight."
She giggled softly, sending him a rather random memory of a book she'd been reading a ways back. He didn't understand what she meant by it until she reached the lines 'I'm all yours' in the book and paused, freezing those words in place. He smiled, comprehending the message she was trying to convey.
Edward coughed rather deliberately, jerking Jacob away from his wayward fantasies. He twisted around to see what was wrong with his mate's father – who was now looking years younger than him, an idea that pleased him sometimes, yet sometimes greatly disturbed him – and realized that Edward was giving him a rather malicious glare.
Jake widened his eyes, finally comprehending why Edward had been acting so strange all throughout the movie. Clearly, Nessie hadn't caught on yet because just then, he received another distinct memory of Nessie, slowly undressing in front of a mirror. As Jacob's jaw went slack with lust and embarrassment, Edward turned slightly green.
He turned around and whispered in Nessie's ear, "Don't do that!"
She laughed, a lilting glisten that always made him want to smother her with kisses. "But it's so much fun to watch you squirm," she whispered back with a wink. He went slack-jawed again, this time in comprehension.
"You were doing that on purpose?" he hissed at her, appalled.
"Oh, don't be a big baby," she gave him a quick peck on the lips. She then nodded towards Rosalie and Emmett, who were halfway down each other's throats, and Alice and Jasper, who were sitting together peacefully, fingers intertwined. Alice's head was resting against Jasper's shoulders and his cheek was buried into his hair.
Only Charlie, Carlisle, and Esme were paying any attention to the movie. Edward was too busy trying to block out Jacob's vivid and inappropriate thoughts while Bella was subtly trying to placate him and probably get into his pants at the same time, as per usual.
"And they call me a dog," Jake muttered, nearly gagging at the sight of Rosalie grabbing Emmett's butt. "You're all horndogs," he declared. "Each and every one."
"Mm," she murmured, her fingers inching towards his arm. He diverted her touch expertly, narrowing his eyes at her. She laughed. "What? You're suddenly the paragon of virtue?"
"Hardly," he returned, poking at her ribs. "It's just that your big vamp-face of a dad is behind us and very present in this conversation if you know what I mean."
She laughed at him. "It's not like he's going to do anything," she told him with a little shrug, casting Edward a sideways glance.
Edward glared at her, peeved by her nonchalant statement. "I wouldn't hold my breath," he grumbled.
Bella looked up from beside him, glancing from Nessie to Edward, then to Jacob. "What's happening?" she asked, obviously confused.
"Nothing," Jake answered, a little too quickly. "Nothing at all. Just enjoying this amazing, action-packed movie! See me shaking in suspense?"
Edward snorted. "Right. Shaking from suspense." He resumed his intense glaring.
Nessie shook her head. "Baby, it's a romantic comedy," she whispered in his ear and patted his head.
Jake tried not to turn red.
After the movie, Charlie said his goodbyes and left for home. The rest of the Cullens scattered around to do their own thing and Jacob hurriedly herded Renesmee to her room, eager to get away from Edward's accusatory scowls.
As soon as they got into her room, he kicked the door shut behind him and pounced on Nessie.
"You are evil," Jacob growled as she evaded his lips and peppered short, teasing kisses all over his face. He let her have her fun for a few seconds before holding her down and giving her a scalding kiss spilling over with promise. As always, Nessie found every bone in her body melting as his tongue danced languidly with hers.
Before things progressed any further, there was a loud rapping on the door.
Jacob reluctantly rolled off of Nessie, ready to murder whoever it was standing outside her door. However, one whiff of the air told him it was Edward and he groaned loudly, dreading whatever confrontation was about to take place.
Nessie sat up on the bed as Jake stalked across the room and flung open the door. Sure enough, Edward was standing there with his arms crossed over his chest, clutching a white, pharmaceutical bag in one hand. His expression was a convoluted mixture of deep displeasure, resigned resentment, and embarrassment.
Jacob regarded him with a rather stoic look, trying to hide the frustration he was feeling. All he really wanted to do at the moment was to take Nessie and –
"Thank you, Jacob, I really don't want you to finish that thought," Edward interrupted him and pushed into the room.
"Hi, Dad," Nessie chirped good-naturedly, seeming unperturbed.
Edward gave her an awkward nod before sitting down on the bed next to her. From Jacob's point of view, he seemed more like her twin brother than her father.
"I realize, Nessie, that we haven't really had the chance to, well, talk about the things that a parent and his or her child should talk about and feel that this would be a good time to start," he announced, sounding as if he were reading from a textbook.
Jacob gaped at him, astonished. "You're going to lecture her now?" he exclaimed. "Why can't you come back tomorrow morning?!"
"Jacob, you can stay or you can leave," Edward leveled with him. "But I am going to have this talk right here, right now, whether you like it or not."
Nessie was starting to seem a little alarmed and she folded her legs up against her chest.
"What's up, Daddy?" she shrugged, resting her chin on her knees.
"Well," he drew out, suddenly sounding unsure. He paused for a brief second before seeming to change his mind and barreling onward. "There is no question that you are… special, Nessie. Because of how fast you grew just the past few years and how fast you're going to grow up until next year, we have never enrolled you in school."
"Dad, I –"
"Well," he cut her off, scratching his head. "I'm not certain if they actually teach this stuff in school. Bella, I mean, your mother tells me they go over this in middle school –"
"Wait, Dad, I –"
"Why they would teach this to little preteens, I haven't the slightest idea, however," he held a hand up, resolving the issue in his head. "No matter, I will do this. This conversation, as going with the traditions of an American family, is something that every parent must have with his child, I believe."
He looked at Nessie with grave seriousness, not noticing that her eyes were open so wide that her eyeballs were close to falling out. "Now, Nessie, if you were a full-blooded vampire, we wouldn't have to worry about this, but because you're not, there are several, ah, possibilities and consequences you must be prepared for when you… well, when you do the, uh, when you copulate."
A loud groan emerged from Jacob as he fell to the floor and buried his head in his hands. Nessie's mouth dropped open as if she couldn't believe what she was hearing.
"There are the venereal diseases you must always be aware of," he continued, "such as syphilis, chlamydia, gonorrhea, genital herpes, trichomoniasis, and, worst of all, unwanted pregnancies. Now, I understand that you are very young and want to have your fun. By all means, go have your fun – preferably in a place far away from my home and hearing range – but you must be prepared to take some measurements and precautions against the, um, consequences that come with fornication."
"Dad, stop," she begged, holding a hand out to stop the steady flow of words coming from his mouth. "I know all about this, just please stop."
Ignoring her, he held out the crumpled, white pharmaceutical bag in his hands and dumped its contents onto the bed.
Out spilled an entire lifetime's supply of condoms mixed with a variety of morning after pills, pregnancy patches, and pamphlets preaching safe sex. Nessie squeezed her eyes shut, hoping that he was joking.
"This," he said, picking up a box of Trojans, "is a condom. You use it when you –"
"Edward," Jacob growled, marching up to him and snatching the box from his hands. "I know how to use a condom."
Edward glared at him. "I have no doubt that you know how to use a condom, Black," he said charily. "But I need to teach my daughter, if you don't mind, just in case she decides to take it up with other –"
"There will be no taking up with other whatevers!" Jacob shouted as Nessie shouted, "Shut up!" at the same time.
Edward looked at both of them suspiciously and just sighed, shaking his head.
"Look," he stood up and placed his hands on his hips. "I don't want to be a grandparent. Not yet, not now. Just remember what I said and practice, uh, safe reproduction. I mean, no, do not reproduce. Practice not reproducing and everything will be just fine."
With that, he left the room, leaving Nessie and Jacob gaping after him. They sat there amongst the sea of condoms and safe sex pamphlets, more than a little perplexed and wondering what to make of what had just happened.
Jacob braved a glance in Nessie's direction.
"Well," he exhaled. "That was certainly interesting."
She nodded dumbly, still in a state of shock. She idly started sifting through the items laid out on her bed. After a minute, Jacob scratched his head and looked back at Nessie.
"Is the mood killed?" he asked, his voice hopeful and resigned at the same time.
He felt a disappointed pang when Nessie didn't immediately answer him, but resumed hope again when he saw a slow smile creep up her lips. Casting him a lascivious glance from under her long, curved eyelashes, she held up one of the condom samples Edward had been so kind to provide them with.
With a triumphant howl, Jacob pounced again.
Author's Note: Thanks to several reviewers and the ever helpful wikipedia, I've found out that Nessie isn't fully-matured until 7 years, and when that happens, she'll have the body of a 20 year old. Thankfully, that does sort of work out with what I've written - 6 years at 18, which can easily progress to 7 years at 20. So it pleases me to announce that I'm really not that far off.
Anyways, I hope you enjoyed that!