The Harem Lifestyle of Kyon – A Haruhi Suzumiya Fanfic

Disclaimer: I own absolutely nothing when it comes to the Haruhi franchise. I would love to own Mikuru-chan though.

Kyon's life becomes a dating sim. Will it turn out to be a good experience for him or not?

Ah, yes. Another fic for me. Writing "The War of Haruhi Suzumiya" is extremely depressing, especially since I know what depressing things happen in the near future in the story. I'm trying to write happy things again and this harem idea's been with me for a while. I was also inspired to write this by Diamond Avatar's "The Melancholy of Kyon". That happens to be my favorite Haruhi fic so far, completed or not. Well, I hope you enjoy this. Give me feedback!

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Chapter 1: Conversations

Are you familiar with the quote "Life is like a box of chocolates; you never know what you're gonna get?" It's from an American movie that I can't quite put a name on right now, but it can accurately describe the fiasco that has been happening to me lately.

My life has become a dating sim. A harem anime, if you will.

You may ask what's wrong or why I'm complaining, but you're about to find out.

Ask any other guy in the world, and they'd probably be jealous of me, jealous of the fact that I have a bunch of girls chasing my tail. Well, to all of you naïve young souls that wish that you could end up in my shoes, be careful for you wish for.

Let me spin you my tale of why it's never good to have too many girls chasing after your affections, especially when they're not normal high school girls. In fact, I still don't know why they're chasing after me because I'm a boring, normal high school guy.

Yare, yare. Let me take you back to where it all began.

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It all started one Thursday afternoon at lunch. It was the time of review before our second-year summer exams so I was in my usual melancholic mood that I usually had at this time of year. It was a mood I had picked up from my mother because she knew that when summer exams came around, it was time to sign me up for cram school. You've got to love my parents' confidence in me.

Getting back to lunch, I was sitting with my usual lunchtime comrades, Taniguchi and Kunikida. We were making our usual small talk about any given subject; today's was dating simulation games.

"I wonder what it's like to have a life like a dating sim," Taniguchi said, pondering while taking a bite out of his katsu-sando. "I'm sure that any guy with a life like that is a happy guy."

"I'm not so sure, Taniguchi," Kunikida said, holding some of his side salad in his chopsticks and being polite by not eating while speaking. "There's got to be some sort of indecisiveness about the choices that could be made, limiting one's happiness." Leave it to Kunikida, always talking so polite and concise, even about something as deplorable as dating sims.

"How could their happiness be limited? With all those choices, even the most fickle guy would be happy! What do you think about it, Kyon?" My friend with gray streaks in his hair asked me.

Hmm, I'd say that I'd probably be happy with a dating sim lifestyle. There are so many choices, and it'd help to have everything in front of me before I made a serious choice. The lifestyle of a dating sim's protagonist would probably be a happy one, at least if it were my life, it would be.

It was at this time that I noticed Haruhi had returned from her usual trip to the cafeteria. It was good she didn't follow yesterday's trend of chasing around somebody who made fun of her belief in the supernatural; I wonder how many trays our struggling school budget could replace. She was staring at me intently, as if pondering her own opinion on the matter. I wonder if I would choose Haruhi if my life was a dating sim. Ehh?!

She stayed quiet but gazed in my eyes intently. I wonder if she read what I was thinking because she made a "hm" noise and looked away.

"I was about to praise your words of wisdom, Kyon, but then you had to get all weird and mutter to yourself. Still, I like your opinion on a dating sim lifestyle. You're my type of guy!" He patted my back. Our answers may be the same, but I refuse to be put in the same grouping as you, Taniguchi.

The rest of the day passed without so much as a glimmer of excitement. By the time the session after lunch came, I was already on the verge of joining the ranks of the sleeping school delinquent army. I ended up succumbing to the sleeping demon and thusly missed the review for all the classes until the day ended.

Feeling refreshed as if I had gotten a full night of sleep, I woke up with the final bell and headed towards the clubroom. Haruhi had told us yesterday that she had a dentist's appointment today and would not be present in the clubroom. Knowing her, she probably has perfect teeth, no cavities and a smile her dentist wanted to rip out of her mouth and put on a display on his receptionist's desk.

Chilling in the clubroom was fine with me and apparently fine with the rest of the SOS Brigade. Asahina-san, as usual, made tea that royalty would beg for and made it in the maid uniform that I was so used to seeing her in. "So used to seeing her" does not mean I appreciate it any less, however. Nagato, our resident alien, was reading a book in her usual corner; it was a thick tome that I could not identify because the glare from the windows made looking at the cover an obstacle. I ended up playing Othello with Koizumi for about an hour, whooping his smug, plastic-smiling, long-talking behind at least seven times.

About an hour and a half after we gathered, Nagato closed her book, signaling that it was time to go home. I walked out with the three supernatural schoolmates of mine, a companionable silence present in the air. When we got to the street where we all went our separate ways, I wished them a good night and a "see you tomorrow". As I got home, my sister, now an eleven-year-old sixth grader greeted me at the door. The second I set my bag down, she began to sing tunelessly: "Kyon, time for arithmetic drills! Help me!" Why must you call me that blatantly disrespectful nickname? There's no "onii-chan" or "onii-san", or even "aniki" in your vocabulary?

"It's more fun to call you, Kyon!" She said with all the audacity of a six year-old. So I helped Sis with her homework then sat down with my family for dinner. My mother was in the previously stated sense of melancholy that I described and asked me plainly, "Do you plan to enroll in a university? Your grades aren't showing it."

Thanks, mom. You know how to make me feel great.

Feeling my own melancholic mood setting in, I excused myself from the dinner table for my pre-sleep ritual. It was still early, but I wanted to avoid falling asleep in the review classes again tomorrow. I realized that I could get all the sleep in the world, but most likely, I'd still be sleeping in class. You can't escape the inevitable.

Finally, I put my head on my pillow and knocked out quicker than a glass-jawed man in a fight with a boxer.

I'm usually the type of guy that forgets his dreams, or generally doesn't care about them, but on this night, I had a dream (or a memory) of the time in middle school that Kunikida, a friend of ours named Matsuzaka and I played our first dating sim/eroge. We played it at Matsuzaka's house when his brother wasn't home. The game was his brother's.

The game was based on a normal guy in a high school full of cute, supernatural girls. One of my favorite facets of the game was that instead of bells between classes, they had a bell version of the game's theme song. Why I enjoyed this, I don't know. After awhile, the dream kind of faded and I returned to the land of slumber…

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The next day, I arrived at school pretty early. Considering I went to bed early, I woke up early and thusly tackled the hill early. I got my school shoes on and walked into the classroom, thinking I was probably the first one there, until I saw Haruhi sitting at her desk.

She was wearing her hair in a ponytail. My pulse just skyrocketed. I have to admit, she looked just about amazing right then.

Gathering all the resolve I had in me, I greeted her with a "Yo."

"Kyon, we have a very important brigade meeting after school. Do not miss it for the world, unless you want to spend five hundred hours swimming in a landfill." You come up with the weirdest punishments, and it's not like I have anything else to do after school anyway.

"Good. I definitely don't want you to miss it." Huh?

The rest of the class began to file in the classroom sporadically. Eventually, Okabe-sensei came in as well, right before the bell rang.

Instead of our usual class time chimes, the bells were playing a song that seemed so familiar but that I was unable to identify…

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(Hare Hare Yukai plays.)

(A/N: Whoo! Finally done with the first chapter! The harem action starts next chapter, so get ready for that. BTW, I've never played a dating sim so I have a limited perspective on how they work. The song that Kyon hears is "True My Heart" by ave;new feat. Saori Sakura, which is from the dating sim Nursery Rhyme. If you look online, there's a Code Geass "dating sim" parody featuring that song, as well as ones for Haruhi and Lucky Star. It's catchy as hell. Well, read and review. Constructive criticism and ideas are encouraged. Peace, love and bubblegum!)