The Harem Lifestyle of Kyon – A Haruhi Suzumiya Fanfic

Disclaimer: I own absolutely nothing when it comes to the Haruhi franchise. I would love to own Mikuru-chan though.

Kyon's life becomes a dating sim. Will it turn out to be a good experience for him or not?

I'm back! Check out my new K-On! fic "New Teacher!" But no dillydallying. Enjoy, read and review!

-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-

Chapter 6: Fighting, Flighting and Voicemailing

"Hi there, Kyon-kun. Long time, no see. How are you doing?"

Ryoko Asakura stood in front of me.

"Wha—what are you doing here?" I stammered. My remaining energy, already at a low point, was sucked out of me like the last noodle out of a bowl of udon. If she were to try and kill me, she would have little to no difficulty in doing so. I had as much of a chance of making it out of this alive as Napoleon had in escaping from his exile on Saint Helena Island.

Her smile became a little more icy.

"You did not answer my question, Kyon-kun. That's a little bit rude. I'm simply asking how you are for the sake of your well-being."

Well, the last time my well-being mattered to you, you tried to cut me up into pieces so you could see how Haruhi could react to my death. To me, that says that my well-being matters very little to you. The blue-haired girl's smile drooped into a puppy-like frown. Wow, that's actually pretty damn cute. I hate to justify anything Taniguchi says, but Asakura's really worth that A++ he gave her.

No, Kyon! Girls who try and murder you should not be attractive to you in the very least!

"I've just been wondering how you've been, Kyon-kun. It's been so long since I've seen you…" She began to walk towards me. AH! Get away from me! I began to back away from her, as fast as my exhausted legs could go. I need to get out of here! Like a mouse in a maze, I tried to scan my surroundings as quickly as I could for a way out. Instead of yearning for the reward of cheese however, I was yearning for the reward of not dying. I kept backing away and trying to keep as much distance in between the sadistic former class rep and myself but all of a sudden, I felt myself slip and my feet lift up in the air. WHAM! I hit my head on a tree. Dazed and confused, I wondered if Asakura used her supernatural alien powers to subdue me. However, I noticed a massive branch right at my feet. I must have tripped on it. Mother Nature, why must even you laugh in my face when I need a little good luck? Even the powers that be seem to be against me. Why am I such an unfortunate fellow? My thoughts were cut short when I saw Asakura standing right in front of me. She bent down and put her face very close to mine. I shut my eyes in fear of what was to come. I then smelled a wonderful aroma of flowery perfume. Wow, she smells very nice…

No, no, no. Not the time, Kyon, not the time.

There were a few seconds of silence. I opened my eyes to see her face still very close to mine. Those dazzling blue eyes gazed into mine. She smiled and stroked my face. Her touch gave me ice cold goosebumps, and no, not the good kind. I'm not the type to be turned on in disastrous situations such as this.

"I've missed you."

Huh?

"Silly Kyon-kun, perhaps you need to get your hearing checked. I've missed you." Asakura chuckled. I heard you! I've never had any problems hearing! I'm just confused! Is that what you say when you're about to kill someone? You've missed them? She looked at me with a quizzical look.

"Kill you? No, Kyon-kun. I'm not going to kill you. That was in the past. Let's consider that a mistake, if you will. I'm here to see you. To make you mine, rather, to become yours. I'm here to be your girlfriend, dear Kyon-kun."

EHH? Can someone explain what's going on right now? If this is a cruel joke, whoever planned it can come out of the shadows now. The joke's up. Ha. Ha.

"Joke? No, this is not a joke. I'm not here to kill you. I'm here to love you and be your loving girlfriend, Kyon-kun. What do you say?" For some strange reason, my thoughts went back to something Koizumi had said to me.

"You have more girls in your prospective roster than that, my dear Kyon."

Get out of my head, you bastard! I don't ever want to see you in my thoughts again! It's bad enough I see your stupid grin everyday! I thought about what he said for a second. What does he mean prospective roster?

Oh. Oh, God no.

Don't tell me Asakura is part of my dating sim situation now. Since she's an alien in the same vein as Nagato, I wonder if she has the same orders that the Brigade's signature bookworm has. Yare, yare. I'm starting to wonder who's not involved in this crazy situation. What, is every single girl in my life going to be a part of this nonsense? Hm, that wouldn't be so bad…

"What do you say, Kyon-kun? Will you let me be your girlfriend?" Asakura's soft voice snapped me back to reality. Her face was still only a few inches away from mine. Her sharp blue eyes remained staring into mine. I tried to avert my gaze. Umm, I really don't know how I should answer that…

"Let your lips do the talking…" She closed her eyes and brought her face even closer to mine. Her perfume began to envelop my nostrils and caused my mind to think of very dirty things.

Have you ever heard of the fight-or-flight response system in the human body? The nervous system responds to a threatening situation with a series of stimuli throughout the body, preparing one to either engage in combat with the threat or flee from the threat with their tail between their legs. When the response is triggered, a person can react to an incoming threat in a matter of milliseconds, a much faster reaction than if said person was in a calm or serene state of mind. The human body is truly amazing, isn't it?

I digress from the situation at hand. Asakura's face got closer and closer to mine, in what seemed to be slow motion. That's when my fight-or-flight response kicked in. In a fashion that was truly unlike myself, I ducked and rolled out of the way of Asakura in one swift motion and proceeded to spring myself off the ground. Using this momentum, I launched myself into a full-out sprint away from the blue-haired alien. Got to love that fight-or-flight response. Emphasis on the flight. I had finally escaped, but I realized that I had no idea where I was. Why me? I asked to no one in particular.

I continued to sprint into the night.

-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-

After about twenty or so minutes of running, the forest opened up into a clearing and I saw the gate that surrounded the Tsuruya family's property. Looking around, I saw the mansion and walked along the fence towards the house, in order to leave via the front entrance. The loud music pulsating from the house had disappeared, signaling to me that the party was over. I finally got to the front entrance. As I was about to walk out the gate and make my merry way home, I heard familiar voices and dove into the shadows. Standing right outside the entrance of Tsuruya-san's property was the SOS Brigade, still looking for me without a doubt.

"Any luck finding him?" Haruhi.

"No, sorry, Suzumiya-san." Asahina-san.

Silence. Nagato.

"Ah, sorry, Suzumiya-san, none whatsoever. His cell phone is dead. I assume by now that he has found his way home. The property is way too dark to search right now, but I think he is smart enough to figure out when it's time to go back to his residence."

If you only knew, you esper bastard.

Haruhi let out a deep sigh. "I guess that's the case. Keep trying to call him, everyone. I am, at least. We'll have a city search tomorrow at noon and we'll meet at the train station of course. Let Kyon know if you get in touch with him. Goodnight, Brigade." I heard footsteps walking away from the gate. I waited about fifteen minutes before I crept out of the shadows and walked out the front entrance. Remembering what Koizumi had said about my cell phone, I pulled it out and tried to turn it on. It was really dead. Yare, yare. I'd be surprised if Haruhi didn't leave me a voicemail threatening my life. I began my long trek home.

About twenty minutes later, I arrived back at my house. The lights were out. Good, I didn't want to have to deal with explaining to my parents where I was. I unlocked the door and walked in, collapsing on my bed with the force of an exhausted convict who broke out of jail and checked in a nearby hotel with a fake name. I was extremely fatigued but something was bothering me. I wondered if anybody had left me any messages on my voicemail. Plugging my phone into the charger and turning it on, my voicemail ringtone played.

Four new voicemail messages. Let's take a listen, shall we?

BEEP! "Uuu, Kyon-kun, it's Mikuru. W-where are you? You're missing and we're all looking for y-you. We're very worried for you. Please c-call me b-back immediately. Oooh, my head…" Asahina-san, you angel! You're going to make a great wife and mother someday. Whoever has you will be the luckiest man on the face of the planet! Am I tearing?

BEEP! "Ah, Kyon! Fun night, no?" Smug bastard. "Where are you? We'd like to know where you are. Let's meet up. I personally would like to talk to you about some very important things. Call me back when you have the chance, granted you probably don't have the chance right now since your phone is dead." Sometimes I really want to hit that smiling esper boy in the face. It troubles me how annoying he is. He did say he needs to talk about important things. What could they be? I'll worry about that in the morning.

BEEP! "KYON! WHERE THE HELL ARE YOU? DO YOU KNOW WHAT YOU'VE DONE TONIGHT? YOU'RE REALLY GOING TO GET THE MOST SEVERE PENALTY IN THE HISTORY OF PENALTIES GIVEN BY THE CHIEF! YOU BETTER, YOU BETTER, YOU BETTER FIND SOME WAY TO CALL ME OR MEET US. YOU'RE DEAD AND YOU HAVE EMBARRASED THE BRIGADE AND ME TONIGHT! CITY SEARCH AT NOON SHARP TOMORROW. MEET AT THE STATION. DO NOT BE LATE OR I WILL SENTENCE YOU TO TEN MILLION LIFETIMES IN A FIERY PIT! THAT IS ALL!" What kind of punishment is that? You should honestly rationalize the things you say, Haruhi. But oh boy. She has it out for me. Haruhi's going to kill me tomorrow.

BEEP! "Hello, is this Kyon's number? I assume it is because the answering machine was your voice. I just wanted to greet you and see how you were doing. I haven't seen you since our little run-in a while back. I hope all is well. If all is not well, then perhaps you should fix your actions so that is no longer the case. Anyway, what are you doing around noon tomorrow? We should meet up, perhaps eat lunch together, or would it be brunch being that it's at noon? Please call me back and let me know, or meet me at the restaurant by the train station at noon. Goodbye."

Huh? Who was that? Who could that possibly be? Why would you ever leave a voice message without first leaving your name and number, especially if you asked me to call you back? This person needs to listen to the explicit directions I left on my answering machine! Yare, yare.

I yawned and started to drift off into the land of slumber while remaining annoyed at this anonymous voicemail. Who could it have been? Maybe I'll run into this party tomorrow sometime before the city search. All I know is that I'm too tired from this ridiculous night to really care about any of this.

-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-

(Hare Hare Yukai plays.)

(A/N: What's up, people? I'm back after a long hiatus! I wrote a new K-On fic called "New Teacher!" Check it out if you're into that. As for my Haruhi fics, I'm going to be working to update them ASAP. I'm sorry for the long delay. Hope you enjoyed the story. As always, please read and review! Peace, love and bubblegum!)