So, if you've been on my livejournal lately, you'd know I have huge writer's block, and absolutely nothing wants to cooperate. You'd also know that I'm a huge "Jem" fan, especially of the Misfits. (They were so much more interesting than everyone's favourite hypocritical pink princess and her boring lackeys!) And so I decided a cracky crossover oneshot would be a good way to clear my head in time for a contest I'm thinking of entering, though I make no guarantees about the quality of this piece. Like I said, my writing and I aren't getting along, so expect this to be utter crap. Flames won't offend me. I'm expecting them, even.
So, how to do a crossover of my favourite truly outrageous 80s toons without going too deep into either? I figured a perfect place to start was with Astoria Carlton-Ritz, Powerglide's heiress girlfriend! With their similarly wealthy upbringings and total lack of skill with machines, how much do you wanna bet that Astoria and Pizzazz were friends during childhood? I'd be willing to say they were queen bees at their swank private school!
"Jem" and "Transformers" (c) Hasbro
Harriet Horne, Cool Trash, and even celebrity gossip queen Lin-Z were having an absolute field day. Heiresses did strange things that made headlines all the time, but none of the rich bitches in Hollywood or elsewhere had ever done anything as outrageous as proposing to an Autobot!
Though the Autobots were friendly, even towards the paparazzi, it was rare they actually befriended anyone, with the exception of Jem and the Holograms asking the more sociable ones like Jazz or Blaster to guest star in music videos. But for an Autobot to carry on a romance with a very famous heiress?! Celebrity news magazines and shows were all over it: Astoria Carlton-Ritz was marrying the Autobot Powerglide!
"Vector Sigma," Optimus groaned. It was a few nights after the engagement had been publicly announced - neither Astoria nor Powerglide were one to keep things quiet - and yet another reporter had just left the Ark. Optimus and his two right-hand mechs were currently taking a break by Teletraan.
"Y'okay, boss?" Jazz hoisted himself onto Teletraan's keyboard, which the computer was not amused by, but tolerated nonetheless because it had always been fond of Jazz. "I thought y'liked humans."
Optimus's eyes twinkled, indicating a grin behind the mask. "It isn't that I don't like humans, Jazz. And it isn't that I'm not happy for Powerglide either. It's just..." Here he trailed off.
"I know what you're saying," Prowl added. "Sometimes enough is enough."
"Oh, c'mon," Jazz was grinning like a Cheshire Cat. "I think it's cute. Frell, the wedding preparations are more stressful than anything these reporters cause! Some of these customs sure are strange."
"At least she has the sense to pay for all these... extravagances," Prowl muttered, earning nods from his comrades.
Despite her excitement, Astoria was absolutely adamant that the press not find out who her bridesmaids were. At least not yet. Mostly because, though she'd already designed the dresses, she had absolutely no clue who they were either.
"Omigod," she realised when talking with her wedding planner on the phone, "I don't think I've had any girl friends since like high school! I wonder if Powerglide has any... I hope he doesn't, though, y'know?"
Only half-listening to the reply on the phone, she began looking around the room for anything that might have any contact information of female acquantances - she had worked hard on designing those dresses, and damn it, someone was going to wear them! In her scuffle she accidentally dropped the phone, causing her to curse as she bent down to pick it up...
...only for her fingers to brush a cassette case lying on the floor near it. Of course!
"Misty?" she hastily said into the phone before abruptly hanging up. "I'm gonna have to call you back!"
Her manicured fingers curled around the cassette case as her pretty little lipstick mouth fell open at the picture on it: four girls with big hair and crazy-cool outfits. The Misfits. Astoria had gotten the tape as a gift, but never really looked at the cover before.
"Oh. My. God," she gasped to herself. "Pizzazz Gabor! That's it!"
Now with the answer of her bridesmaid dilemna staring her in the face, Astoria had no idea why she hadn't thought of it before. Pizzazz and her had ruled their private girl's academy as the reigning queens - richest of the rich girls! They still talked on the phone every once in awhile, though Astoria hadn't heard much from the singer since dating Powerglide. It would have made her feel guilty if Astoria were the type to get such feelings, which she wasn't.
Feeling absolutely giddy at the idea of four famous rock stars wearing her designs, Astoria grabbed up her phone and dialed the number to Stingers Sound.
Admittedly, Jetta and Roxy hadn't been too thrilled at first with the idea of being in the wedding of some girl they didn't even know, though Stormer, fittingly, found it sweet.
"Seriously, doesn't this girl have any other friends?" Roxy had asked when told what she was to do, Jetta's face mirroring her own look of disgust.
However, their opinions quickly changed when they learned who the wedding was for.
"Astoria Carlton-Ritz!?" Roxy yelped, causing Pizzazz's smirk to grow. "The heiress!? How the hell do you know her?"
"We were friends in school," Pizzazz shrugged. "What can I say?"
"Her upcoming wedding's been all over the news," Stormer piped up. "She's marrying one of those Transformers! Oh, you know the ones..."
"The Decepticons?" Jetta arched an eyebrow. She didn't keep up on gossip, unless it was about the Holograms.
"No, no, the other ones," the blue-haired keyboardist bit her lip, a little frustrated at not remembering what they were called.
"The Autobots!" Roxy couldn't help but be a little excited. She'd always secretly thought the Transformers were cool.
"What does it matter which kind of robot she's marrying?" Pizzazz waved it off nonchalantly. "The point is she's famous, they're famous, and we're famous. We'll get tons of free publicity, and for once Jem and her holo-twerps can't possibly fuck it up! Anyway, I already told Astoria we'd do it, so look excited, why don't ya?
The other three Misfits exchanged looks, then shrugged. Surely, this couldn't be worse than any of the other dumb things they'd done for Pizzazz in the past, right?
"Don't say that or you'll jinx it," Roxy grumbled, showing both an awareness of the narrator and a complete disregard for the fourth wall. "Hey! It's not a complete disregard!"
"Who are you talking to, Roxy?" Stormer innocently asked her white-haired bandmate, who merely sighed, not caring to further aggrivate the situation. She briefly wondered if things were ever this exciting for the boring Holograms.
"Oh, of course we will!" Jem exclaimed giddily into the phone. "We're absolutely honoured to have been asked! ...Okay, see you then. Bye!"
"You seem excited," a bemused Aja poked her head into the room as Jem hung up the phone and changed back to Jerrica, which she hadn't had time to do before the phone rang.
"Oh, Aja, I didn't see you," Jerrica smiled. "Are Kimber, Shana, and Raya with you? I can't wait to tell you all the news - you're going to love it!"
"Right here, Jerrica," the light Mexican accent behind her answered, and Jerrica turned to face Raya, who was conveniently standing with Shana and Kimber. Aja walked over to join them.
"Who was on the phone?" Kimber asked.
"You know the wedding of the Autobot Powerglide and Astoria Carlton-Ritz?"
"How could I not?" the redhead smirked at her elder sister's excitement.
"Yeah, what about it, Jerrica?" Shana too was amused.
"Well, that was Blaster," the blonde answered. "Powerglide asked him to help pick a musical act for the wedding and he chose us!"
"You're kidding!" Raya gasped.
"He didn't!" Aja was equally shocked.
"No, I'm not kidding - Jem and the Holograms are going to play at the biggest and most highly-publicised celebrity wedding of the year!" Her bandmates began to cheer and Jerrica continued, "And the best part? There's absolutely no way the Misfits can mess us up for once!"
The next day, the Misfits all met Astoria in her penthouse (with the inexplicably high ceiling) to try on their bridesmaid dresses. Pizzazz was the maid of honour, of course. But the dresses themselves weren't exactly honourable, especially by Misfit standards.
"Bloody awful!" Jetta whispered to Roxy and Stormer, who nodded vehemently. None of them thought it would be smart to mention it to either Pizzazz or Astoria, out of fear for a double-spoiled-rich-bitch tantrum, but Astoria's dresses were absolutely hideous!
"Ugh, I'd rather wear one of Shana's designs than this crap!" Roxy wrinkled her nose in disgust. "Even those cotton candy glitter bitches wouldn't wear this!"
"My thighs look huge in this!" Stormer complained, gingerly holding up the bunches of pastel-coloured fabric by the body parts in question.
"Don't you think they're the greatest?" Astoria was gushing to the only male - if he could even be considered that; the Misfits weren't entirely sure - in the room. Her fiancée.
"Astoria, babe, are you sure I should be seeing these dresses?" Powerglide, the sly guy, found a way out of directly answering the question.
"No, silly, that's my dress! You can look at these ones all you want. I designed them myself, y'know."
"They clash with the armour of my bridesmaids."
"No, yours are called groomsmen," Astoria corrected. "And it doesn't matter to me if the colours clash. Hello, it is the '80s! Like, duh!"
Stormer and Roxy exchanged looks and Jetta rolled her pretty grey eyes. It was like meeting a much calmer, preppier, and dumber version of Pizzazz, for crying out loud!
"Anyway, that's not why I stopped by," the jet stood up - evidently the reason for the high ceilings. "I gotta fly back to Oregon soon, so - "
"What a drag!" the brunette scoffed. "Can't you just move here already?"
"After the wedding, babe. Lemme finish, will ya?"
"Okay, okay! What'd you wanna tell me?"
"You're gonna love it," Powerglide assured. "I asked Blaster to get us the hottest musical act out there, and he pulled through-"
"Wait, what?" Astoria interrupted hastily. "I thought I was in charge of music!"
"Yeah, we were gonna play," Pizzazz added. "We're the best there is!"
"No offense, ladies, but I've heard some of the Hologram's music, and it's great stuff!" the Autobot answered.
"What!?" the Misfit's singer shrieked.
"Look, Powerglide, I was in charge of music, and I picked the Misfits, not the Holograms!" Astoria glared.
"Well, Blaster already asked the Holograms-"
"Well tell them no!" the heiress placed her hands on her hips. "I like the Misfits better."
"C'mon, Astoria, babe - the Misfits don't have very many love songs!"
"We have Lovesick," Jetta was quick to point out.
"And Stormer could write more, couldn't you?" Roxy added.
"W-Well, I suppose I could," the keytarist smiled shyly. "Even so, I'm fine with just being a bridesmaid. It's way more important in the wedding than a reception musician!"
"No!" Pizzazz shouted. "I don't care if they're cleaning toilets - I won't let the Holograms ruin this for me!"
"Way to start drama, Powerglide," Astoria rolled her eyes.
"What?" the mech shrugged. "It's not like I meant to."
"Whatever," the heiress replied. "Now I'm gonna have to go over there to explain it was a misunderstanding."
"Misunderstanding!? Astoria, you never said you were in charge of music!"
"Well, now I did!"
"It's my wedding too," Powerglide plopped down in what, the Misfits assumed, was the Autobot version of a sulk. "What if I wanted the Holograms?"
"Oh, you're just pouting to pout," Astoria dismissed this. "You gonna quit it and fly me to Starlight music or what? Hey, Pizzazz, you and your girls wanna come along?"
"Hmph," Pizzazz turned up her nose. "It isn't like we have anything better to do, I guess. Misfits!"
Not finding any Holograms at the executive building, Powerglide was forced to fly the bridezilla and her bitch-ettes to Starlight mansion. Though, he didn't mind the attention of the kids in the yard when he got there.
Inside, hearing the doorbell ring, Kimber ran to the front entryway, calling out "I'll get it!" She didn't remember having any dates today, but it wouldn't be the first time she'd forgotten one. But it was no date behind that door: "Stormer? Hey! What are you doing here?"
"Hi, Kimber," the blue-hared Misfit looked slightly guilty - and that's when Kimber noticed the four women behind her, all wearing scowls. "Uh, the rest of your band here? There's been a bit of a misunderstanding..."
"Kimber? Who's at the door?" Jem entered the room, having heard a voice asking for bandmates and changed into her alter ego beforehand. Her voice fell flat as the Misfits entered. "Oh. It's you, Pizzazz."
"I don't want to talk to you any more than you want to talk to me," Pizzazz growled. True, the two bands had a truce, but that only meant they'd stop targeting each other. The animosity was as strong as ever.
"Uh, hello? I'm the one that's here to talk to her!"
Jem turned to the brunette in the yellow sundress. "M-Miss Carlton-Ritz?"
"Look," Astoria said, blunt as ever, "I already told the Misfits they could play my wedding, okay? So, yeah."
The pink-haired singer snuck a glare at Pizzazz before replying, "The Autobots already told us we would play the gig. I'm afraid I can't accept you bursting into this house to tell me otherwise. If you just give the Holograms a chance, I'm sure you'll find our music much more suited to a romantic wedding than the harder style of the Misfits."
"Maybe," the heiress shrugged, only half listening. "But whatever. Pizzazz is, like, my friend, y'know? So good bye."
Jem and Kimber exchanged looks. Pizzazz had friends?
"Wait!" Kimber cried out - she really wanted to play this gig! After all, think of the men she could meet at the biggest wedding of the year! "We're friends of the Autobots, and I'm sure Powerglide wants us there. Isn't there any way you could, I dunno, let both of us play? For the mech you love?"
Astoria looked over at the Misfits, who, as a whole, didn't look too thrilled with the idea. "Whatever. You guys talk to Blaster and lemme know if he can come up with a solution or something."
"What!? But Astoria-!" Pizzazz protested, not liking this one bit. Jem smiled her silent thanks to her sister.
"Huh? It's not like I choose who Powerglide makes friends with! Don't have a cow. They'll probably just be, like, opening for you or something, y'know?"
Though they still didn't seem happy, this seemed to placate the Misfits long enough for the bride-to-be to get them into the bright red Autobot plane.
"Synergy," Jem placed a hand on her JemStar earrings once she was sure they had left. "Do you think you could possibly link up with Teletraan and get us in contact with Blaster?"
"Of course," Synergy's calming voice answered, seemingly out of nowhere.
"Hey, now," Kimber giggled "you seem a little too eager there, Synergy! Something you're not telling us? Don't tell me there's something going on between you and Teletraan!"
"Kimber!" Jem feigned shock, though also holding back giggles, as her younger sister began gleefully teasing the super computer:
"Synergy and Teletraan, sittin' in a tree! K-I-S-S-I-N-G!"
At the sound of the voice calling his name, the Autobot leader looked up from his paperwork, surprised.
"Skids," the semi-truck addressed his soldier. "What is it?"
"Teletraan's doing something weird again."
Though that really didn't tell him anything, Optimus forced air through his vents - comparable to a sigh - and stood up to go check Teletraan.
"What is it, Teletraan?" See?
"Synergy of the Holograms is attempting to connect," the computer answered. "Should I put her through?"
Optimus chuckled and gave permission. Though the semi-sentient computer would never admit it, the Autobots were sure it had a soft spot for the Hologram's biggest secret.
"What is it, Synergy?" the Autobot leader asked the pretty purple face that appeared on Teletraan's monitor.
"Is Blaster available?"
"I'm afraid not. He's off on a clean-up crew en route to Michigan. Is there anything I can do for you?"
Synergy hesitated, but ultimately decided to just ask Optimus. "There's been a bit of a misunderstanding regarding the marriage of Astoria Carlton-Ritz and your comrade."
"I see..." the semi-truck did his best not to show annoyance. He just couldn't escape this strange human ceremony, no matter what he did!
"You see, Optimus," the human-made computer continued, "The Holograms were told they would be playing the wedding, but now Miss Carlton-Ritz has said she'd rather have their rival band, the Misfits."
Synergy looked apologetic before showing a clip of one of the Misfits' music videos.
"Hey, cool music!" Skids exclaimed. At the glare the "woman" on the screen shot him, he muttered, "M-maybe not... I'm just gonna... go over there now..."
"I'm sorry," Optimus apologised, "but I don't know if there's anything I can do. Astoria can be very..." here he paused to search for the right word, "persistent. She's stood up to Megatron, even."
"There must be something we can do that won't invoke a tantrum. Even if they have to," here Synergy looked disgusted, "open for those Misfits."
"I'll do my best, but I can't guarantee anything."
Believe it or not, the Misfits weren't exactly having a great time with the wedding preparations either. In addition to their own stuff and the songs Stormer was supposedly going to write, Astoria had given them a list of songs she wanted the girls to play. Stormer and Jetta doubted Astoria really cared which of the two girl groups that might play the wedding played the list, but Roxy and Pizzazz, not wanting Jem to get anything, had pounced upon it like a cat on a June bug.
Something they were soon regretting when they saw the songs they were supposed to learn.
"I am not singing Irene fucking Cara!" Pizzazz exclaimed, wrinkling her nose in disgust.
"But I thought you liked 'Flashdance'," Stormer tried to reason with the singer. "I saw you tearing up in the theatre when we saw it-"
"You promised you wouldn't tell!" Piercing green eyes glared, then closed in exasperation. "Look at this list, Stormer. It's almost all Hologram material. Do you really want to play this crap?"
"At least it isn't all bad," the blue haired keytarist tried again. "I know Roxy likes Pretty Poison. And 'Like A Virgin' isn't too bad, especially for a wedding. And besides, it's not as if we ever have to play them again, right?"
"Still, though!" Pizzazz wasn't convinced. "'Total Eclipse of the Heart'?"
"'Time After Time'?" Roxy added on with an air of disgust.
"'Celebration'?" Jetta glared at the sheet music in front of her.
"Yeah, I'm so not doing that," The singer finished. Stormer sighed.
"Look, I'm not happy about either," she replied, "I don't want to play half these cheesy excuses for songs, and I'm not very happy about doing it in those god-awful dresses either. But it isn't my wedding, so it isn't my place to complain! So if you won't sing these songs, I will!"
Pizzazz blinked a few times in surprise - it wasn't often the soft-spoken Stormer spoke out like that - before resigning herself and sighing, "Alright. Let's take 'What A Feeling' from the top."
And so, after a few more hellish weeks, the Misfits stood at the front of the aisle, watching (and, in Stormer's case, tearing up at) Astoria and a very clueless Powerglide exchange vows.
"Do you, Powerglide, take Astoria Carlton-Ritz to be your lawfully wedded wife?"
"Uh, yeah... I mean, I do!"
"And do you, Astoria, take Powerglide to be your lawfully wedded... er... Autobot?"
Astoria giggled. "Well, duh! I proposed to him, didn't I?"
"You may now kiss the-"
Not even waiting for the poor man to finish, Astoria leaped up to unlatch her new husband's faceplate and kiss him on the lip components. And when Powerglide smashed the glass beneath his foot, in the audience Jem exchanged looks with her bandmates.
"That's are cue to go set up," Shana sighed. Jem scowled. She wasn't too happy about opening for her rivals. But, for once, the Holograms couldn't win.
"Jem!" Kimber ran to retrieve her sister from the refreshment table during the Misfits' set break. "Astoria's gonna toss the bouquet!"
"I'll be right there," the pink-haired singer smiled softly.
"Thinking of Rio?" the redhead asked softly.
"Yeah... I wish he could have been here..."
"Like, is everybody ready!?" the blushing bride yelled out giddily. "On the count of three, alright? Here we go! 1... 2... 3!"
The bouquet of flowers sailed over the heads of many hopeful female guests... only to smack Jetta in the back of the head, sending her falling towards the ground and into the hand of a mech who reached out to catch her.
"Bloody 'ell!" she cursed.
"Are you alright?" the mechanic voice asked.
"Y-yeah..." she looked up into the gentle face of her rescuer. "Sorry about that."
"Don't apologise. It wasn't your fault. My name is Perceptor."
The British Misfit smiled. "Jetta."
"Oh, no, I'm actually just a microscope-"
"No, I mean my name is-"
"Jetta!" Pizzazz yelled from over by the stage. "Break's over! C'mon!"
"Look me up sometime," the Brit nodded at the scientist before going to finish the next set.
At the very least, I think Jetta and Perceptor would be good friends. Really, I can't see them as much more, but it was so cute I couldn't resist! For a crappy oneshot, how'd I do?