Raven ran into the living room of Titans Tower one appropriately stormy day in September, moaning and screaming and crying desperately, despite the fact that she's spent her entire life training to not feel anything at all. But this is post-Trigon, so obviously she would've abandoned all her teachings-from-birth in favor of her desperate crying.

Anyways, Raven was terribly depressed, in case you couldn't tell. See, she'd just walked in on Robin, her Robin, her love, her fellow bird-named sex budd…er…teammate, making out with that bitch. That traitorous, carrot skinned, backstabbing, slutfaced ho bag alien skank, Starfire. HOW DARE THEY? Raven thought to herself angrily as enough tears to start a sixth ocean gushed from her beautiful and captivating, violet orbs.

Robin was OBVIOUSLY hers. Why would be betray her this way? Why would he forsake their shared bird names? Because if that wasn't a lifelong connection, then what the hell was? And of all people, he ran into the arms of a girl who looked like she spent a few hours too many in a tanning booth.

Well, there was obviously nothing else to be done, Raven decided, her clothing drenched with her tears. Never mind that she stayed strong with the knowledge that she was a half demon, never mind that she stayed strong even though she was supposed to bring about the end of the world. This was ROBIN! Suicide was the only option. She crawled into the darkest corner of the living room and pulled out her Handy Dandy Razor™ and sliced her wrists wide open. Blood pooled around her beautiful, dark frame as she sobbed herself to death, and as she slowly left the world she realized that the blood that was squirting from her wrists was actually kind of poetic. It was like all her pain being released, although damn did those gashes hurt.

Raven's last thoughts were something along the lines of, "This would make a great poem for my Robin Shrine deadjournal."


Meanwhile, traitorous, carrot skinned, backstabbing, slutfaced ho bag alien skank was kissing Robin rather erotically when suddenly he shoved her off of him and exclaimed, "THERE IS A SLADE TO BE CAUGHT! And this is obviously because I am in love with him and I wish to restart our man on man sexual relationsh…uh, I mean, BECAUSE I WANT TO BRING HIM TO JUSTICE! Away with you, woman! This here be mans work!"

Starfire, horrified at the rejection and neglect, bolted away and suddenly found herself in the living room. How could Robin care about Slade, an international villain and mass murderer, when he had her hawt body to fondle? Many Tamaranian war cries and whining poems later, Starfire suddenly noticed Raven's lifeless body in the darkest corner of the room. Blood and tears matted her clothing, but the only thing the alien girl really took note of was the shiny Handy Dandy Razor™ in her now dead teammates hand.

"Perhaps Raven had the right idea," Starfire thought to herself, snatching the razor from the unmoving body on the floor and putting it to her own wrist. "Robin does not love me anymore. What more is there to live for? Although I was sold into slavery and persevered, and though I was abused and raped by the Gordanians and tortured and experimented on by the Psions, there is obviously no other option for me in this life. X'hal, welcome me into your warm embrace, for my love is lost!" And with that, Starfire carved a bloody heart into her wrist and ripped out the chunk of flesh with her bare hands. She fell dramatically to the floor and was dead in seconds, a hunk of heart shaped flesh still clutched in one fist in hopes that Robin would realize what he'd done to her.


Robin rushed into the living room three hours later, excited because he finally tracked down Slade. But upon reaching the open doors, he was hit with the horrible stench of blood and dead bodies. His eyes widened as he noticed that Starfire and Raven were lying on the floor, both dead.

"What happened here?" Robin asked himself frantically, quickly realizing that the two women in his sex lif…er…team life...were dead. Now what was he supposed to do when he was in need?

Of help.

During a fight.


Suddenly he was overcome with tears at such a great loss. He knelt beside Starfire and took the heart shaped chunk of flesh from her hand, crushing it against his own heart and letting the blood run down his glove and squirt against the chest of his costume.

Then he got up, went over to Raven, and grabbed her breast.

The one over her heart.

To honor her symbolically.


"I'll miss you both!" Robin declared to no one in particular.

And then the living room big screen TV flickered to life.

"Hello Robin," a silky smooth voice purred seductively. The teen wonder instantly dropped Starfire's flesh and Raven's boob and raced over to Slade's face (in HD!).

"What did you do, Slade? Somehow, I know this is your fault and I will get my revenge!"

"I look forward to it, my dear boy," Slade purred again.

Suddenly Robin realized the opportunity he had.

"Slade! This is our chance! I'm free of my women! We can finally be together forever! I love you Slade!"

"You are right, Robin. And yet, you are also oh so wrong," Slade purred once more, because he didn't know how to speak any other way. "I do not love you and I never have! Hahahahaha! Meow!"

The communication cut out and Slade's face disappeared before he could grow a pair of cat ears.

"Slade…" Robin felt weak, and he continued to talk to the blank screen. "You said…you told me you loved me! And I loved you too! We were always meant to be together! Everyone knows that! Even if you're a sadistic mass murder, and I hate you with every fiber of my being, I've always secretly loved you so very dearly! Surely you knew that! Why…why did you…"

Robin's path became clear to him. Without a second thought, he returned to Starfire's body, scooped up the Handy Dandy Razor™ from the floor, and opened a vein or eight. Unfortunately, this whole bleeding out thing was taking way too long, so the creative teen wonder grabbed a birdarang out of his belt, opened it up, and stabbed himself in the heart that Slade broke.


Several hours later, Beast Boy and Cyborg returned to the Titans Tower after a day well spent in the Jump City Arcade. Upon entering the living room, they stopped dead in their tracks. The bodies of Robin, Starfire, and Raven lay strewn about the area. They raced to inspect their fallen friends.

"Looks like they committed suicide," Beast Boy noted astutely, poking at the birdarang lodged in Robin's chest.

"Yeah, I guess it was bound to happen eventually, though," Cyborg responded with a shrug, dropping Raven's wrist back onto the floor.

"…So now what?" Beast Boy stood up and looked to his friend for advice.

"I don't know," Cyborg shrugged offhandedly. "Wanna play video games in my room so we can't smell the bodies?"

"Yeah, sounds good."

The doors to the living room smoothly slid shut behind them.


If you write stories like this, SushiChica hates you.