The World Spins Madly On

So my mommy left. Daddy says it was because the angels took her home. But I thought my house was her home. He said it was a different kind of home. How many different kinds of homes can a person have? I miss her a lot. Sometimes I wake up and walk into Daddy's room when he is away at sea and MeMa is here with me, staying in the guest bedroom. I sleep on the side where my mommy slept. It used to smell like her but now it just smells like me which makes me sad. She has been gone for a month, maybe two…I dunno…but I just feel sad all the time. MeMa says I need to get out and play with my friends, call Brookie to come over and have a sleep over but I don't want to. MeMa says she would cook my favorite dinner and rent movies for us but I don't want her to. Becuz mommy used to do that. She would hang out with us, me and Brooke, and do our hair and let us do hers and then we would lie on the cement of the driveway and count the stars. That is how I think I learned to count, with my mom counting the stars.

Brookie bought me this little notebook to write. She thought I would like to write notes to my mom. I don't see how she is going to read them from her new home. But Brookie says she will; mommies always watch over their babies. Brookie is my bestest best friend in the whole wide world. When I found out my mommy died she came over to my house and went up to my room where I think I was hiding under the covers and you know what she did?? She just pulled them covers back and got in with me and let me cry.

So my mom is gone. But I still have my Daddy and my MeMa and Brookie. But I always will miss my mommy.

Daddy said to turn off the lights and go to beddie bye since it's a school night so I guess this is goodnight.

Goodnight.


MeMa died this morning. She had been sick for a long time, something about breast cancer or something. Dad didn't say much. He is pretty broken up about it. Especially since it's exactly six and a half years since Mom died. I worry about him. I worry about me. But mostly I worry about him. He seems to work more and more now. Since MeMa died who is going to watch me? I told him that he should take time off but does he listen? No! Of course not. So what does he do? Packs a bag and says he will be out for a month or two at sea. Whatever. It's not like I can't cope alone. I will call Brooke and she will come over and we will have a girls night, cry a little and then make pizza's and do each other's hair and then lie out on the driveway and see how high we can count of the stars.

Whatever.

I am just glad I have Brooke. I still have my Dad but it's kinda hard to have him when he is millions of feet away at sea with not contact.

Yep, I will call Brooke.

Later.


God. Why did I even take a chance on him? Why the hell did I date him? Oh, right cuz he was Nathan Scott, THE Nathan Scott. I don't know what girls see in him. Sure he has the body; the highest-next to his 

father's-scoring average, the prestige and all that jazz but underneath it all only lays a cockier bastard who is overtly obsessed with himself. I dumped him, he left. He left me. Yes I dumped him but he left like it was no biggie. Like the past year meant nothing and he could just replace me. Maybe he could, hell he probably already has someone to replace me. It isn't like he would have any trouble. That whore Teresa will probably be on his arm in the morning. Whatever. Like I fucking care. I am taking a new approach on life. Be a bitch to everyone and you won't get hurt. Simple as that.

Yeah, that isn't the healthiest choice but whatever. Ask me if I care.

I have been feeling quite alone lately. My dad is out a sea, like always and Brooke has this new found obsession with Nathan's brother, Lucas. Which inconsequently I have a tiny little crush on him too. But again. Whateverrrrrr. He will just leave me too.

…wait. I need my head checked. I don't need anyone but me. And Brooke.

Well. We have established that Nathan is a jerkoff and a slimeball. I dumped him but I am being a nerd and thinking he dumped me. Brooke likes Lucas and so do I. But I don't need him?

Ugh.

I need to just sleep. Maybe tomorrow things will seem clearer.


Lucas kissed me at the basketball banquet. Well, correction. I kissed HIM after BROOKE dared me to. She was a little tipsy but I could tell she was a little pissed as well. Her fault. She dared me. She knows I don't back down from dares, ever. Then we kissed some more by the tree and swing before getting caught by Heather, or was it Haley? I think it was Haley. God was that embarrassing. Usually I don't get embarrassed that easily but with Luke…it was different. I felt different.

Then we went to a room to, you know, and he had to say it. He had to say he wanted me.

Now of course that is every girl's dream for the handsome nice boy to say they want everything with you. So tell me why my difficult ass has to make it difficult? Oh, because I am difficult. Duh. Shit. I messed it all up and now he is with Brooke. My Brookie. Freaking freak.

Whatever. I wish them all the fucking happiness in the fucking world.


Shit.

Shit.

Shit.

Fuck.

So I thought my dad was going to be dead when Lucas and I drove to Georgia last night. Thank god he wasn't, I don't think I would be able to handle having my other parent gone…

The reasoning for my outburst of cursing up there is simple.

Lucas.

And I.

Kissed.

In the dirty hotel.

In Georgia.

Yes. He is with Brooke.

My best friend.

UGH.

This could NOT get worse.

So now I feel…obligated? Is that the word? To tell Brooke about it. I feel horrible. Of course the kiss was everything I had remembered it to be and dreamt about. But still, Brooke. She was there for me when my mom died and this is how I repay her? No. I need to fix this. Now.


Well awesome.

I seemed to have lost my best friend AND my…Lucas all in one day. Fabulous. Just fucking fabulous!

I know Lucas broke up with Brooke before she found out about…us. And technically he is all fair game now but it doesn't feel …right.

I guess I can scratch Brooke off of my list of 'People Who Will Never Leave' list and cry another tear into my tissue box.


Well guess who stopped by my house today?

Lucas.

Lucas Scott.

The same Lucas Scott who…broke my heart. I don't know how he did or if maybe I had somehow helped him along the way but he managed to bust down the Hurricane Sawyer walls and found my heart. The thing I can't keep thinking about is how did he do it? Why the HELL did I let him? I don't let people inside so how did he get past?

He said he was leaving with Keith to live in Charleston. Why does that boy have to escape what he wants? Even if it's Brooke, why can't he ever just pick the right girl? Of course Brooke and I are friends again and I would never do anything to jeopardize that again but damn it…my heart…it hurts and he is half way to Charleston now.

Gone.

So Haley left today...to go on tour with Chris Keller.

Another one bites the dust...

You know how I am always saying who has left me? Nathan left me today, us, and everyone around him. Not literally. And no he didn't die. Although he almost did after crashing his race car into a fucking wall. Which reminds me. I need to smack him a few times. He left me, his only friend really in all of this. I don't know how to bring him back to me. He and I didn't do well as boyfriend girlfriend but I am the only friend he's got and aren't I supposed to bring him out of this? Isn't that what friends do for friends? But how can I pull him out of it when I am too in this.


"I could hold you in my arms forever, and it still wouldn't be long enough."

Gag me.

It's official. I think I might go bat for the other team now. How could he say that and then walk out of my life? By the way, I am talking about Jake.

The more I sit here, on the beach and feel the crisp summer breeze toy with my curls the more I think…maybe it's something about me. Is there a watchword plastered on my forehead that everyone else sees BUT me? Really. Is there? What is it? Broken chick, beware? This girl will make you depressed? Really. Tell me if there is one. My own father can't find fucking time to stay home for more than a fucking weekend. Brooke is…well Brooke is leaving for California…like tomorrow and yeah. Lucas is too hung up on her to worry about me. Plus who would want to stick around for little ole me? Meek me.

Shit I used to be stronger than this; I used to NOT back down. I used to…used to. That's the thing. Used to. I used to be that rocker chick that was a bitch and drove too fast. Used to. Not I am just…used.


I heard this song on the radio today, it was different. I was driving out to that field where Ellie-my mother-had the time of her life. I thought of her and how she was gone but how she was there, here, in this spot. Alive. Maybe I wasn't there with her at that concert but sitting here in the meadow with her urns-remains- next to me…she is here with me, freezing my ass off. I laugh at myself, thinking of her in heaven…if there is a heaven, kicking some serious angelic ass at music and whatnot with the other angels. At times I am jealous. She is there and I am here. Alone. Sure I have my dad but it isn't the same. Having your two moms die all within less than ten years? I should be awarded something for being alive. Brooke looks at me sometimes and I can see that she is just waiting for me to go completely nutso and end my life. But…I am trying to be braver, be stronger, be Ellie. It's what I know she wants me to do. She doesn't want me to not go on living my life in an account that hers is over.

So that's why I am here with Ellie's ashes and my car parked nearby-which I am pretty sure isn't…legal? But who cares. If a cop comes by which I highly doubt…I am in the middle of nowhere here…I will just cry or something. At first I was playing "Here Comes a Regular" by the Replacements but no I switched it over to "World Spins Madly On" by the Weepies. The song is playing as loud as my Comet allows and I find myself treading over a few yards out, staring out into the cold sky.

I release her from the…vase? Is that what those are called?

Anyway, I whispered goodbye and told her to say hi to my mom. My other mom.
Then. Then I just sat until I couldn't see my arms or feet, when it was pitch black.


So Jake told me to leave. Those weren't his exact words but give me a break, I am not looking for exactness here. Just bluntness.

The blunt version of it all? Cut through all the bull shit?

Here.

Jake told me I mumbled in my sleep "I love you, Lucas." Told me that I need to make sure where my heart is and go with it. So I went back home to Tree Hill and realized that I indeed had feelings for Lucas. Who was I kidding for a year and a half? I always did, I never stopped.

So thinking the best choice was…like a good offense is a good defense? I told Brooke. I freaking told Brooke that I might have feelings for Lucas still.

Now she is gone and so is Lucas. Lucas didn't leave this time. I just…in my mind and heart he is. And let me tell you, that's the worse.

Oh and Brooke slapped me.

Like bitch slap, slapped me.

Ouch. Guess I deserved that…


So Derek left to go back to Iraq. And right when I was getting to know him best and he had to leave. I get it; he has like a duty to this country but is it so wrong I wanted him more? Can't I be a little selfish? Just a little?

No?

Okay. Well he is gone but that doesn't mean I didn't cherish our time together. He taught me a lot. He taught me how to defend myself. Not just my body but my heart. I will never be able to thank him enough for that. He taught me how to stand up for myself and my heart as well…which is why I told Lucas I loved him that I was in love with him.

Given…Luke said "Oh." But that's not the point. The point is I said it and I feel so good I got it over with.

I miss Derek; I do but like Ellie said once, "Every song ends but doesn't mean we can't enjoy the music."


I never thought I'd be so happy to see someone leave. But Ian Banks was arrested and now he is in prison.

Brooke and I went down to the police station and saw him in a holding cell and for the first time in my life it was good to see someone completely out of my life.

I feel free again. Plus I got Brooke back. We are stronger than ever now. Nothing will EVER break us again.


How could he? Why couldn't he just fucking wait? I didn't say no, I didn't. I swear. But apparently his god damn ears must have translated it into some dumb ass wording and he got "NO." instead of "I love you and I want to marry you some day."

UGH.

Lucas left me.

The one person I really thought would never leave…left.

I don't know what to do, what to say. I called Brooke but got her answering machine. Hopefully she'll call me back soon. Probably not. I hardly hear from her nowadays.

But he left. I still cannot get over that. AND he left the mix I made for him. WTF?

I am too heartbroken right now to write in here. Hopefully the tears spatters will get the message across…


He proposed to her.

Lucas proposed to Lindsey.

Lucas Scott proposed to Lindsey Strauss.

Lucas Scott proposed to Lindsey Strauss right-immediately even-AFTER he kissed me back and was ready to tell me he loved me.

Is it possible to have your heart THIS broken? Is it safe? Cuz it doesn't feel safe. I feel like ripping up everything to do with him. Everything.

I feel like punching a wall, the mirror, myself. At least it would take the edge off of me constantly crying and rereading every little word he wrote about me in his stupid ass book. God! Why did he have to write those words? Why do they STILL comfort me? Right now as I am balling on the couch in the house I share with Brooke? Why do I feel a little bit better hearing the words come out of my mouth?

I can't keep going back. I can't keep wishing. Life doesn't get a restart button as much as I wished it did. It doesn't. I don't get tag backs or finders keepers. Nope. This is life and it is hard and unfair and cruel and hard.

This is life without Lucas Scott in it.

This is life without knowing what I am going to do next.

This is my life wishing it had the purpose it used to have.


I let him go.

Fuck did it hurt like all kinds of hell.

But I did it and now…he is planning MY dream wedding with HER.

That's all I have to say tonight.


He said-"I do."

She said-"Peyton drives a Comet."

WTF.

I am prettttyyyy sure that's NOT how weddings are supposed to go…

Should I smile? Should I skip? Should I cry? Should I do all three at once?

Brooke said I need to go after him but I don't know. Isn't that a bit…obsessive?

I don't know what to do. I think I am just going to wait.

Sit and wait.

It's what I do best ain't it? It's what I've been doing.

…Hmmm….

Wait a minute…that's not who I used to be.

Derek would be so ashamed.

Ellie would most likely smack me.

And Jake would tell me to go after him.

Maybe I should listen to Brooke more.

But seriously, I am not going to do anything. Yet. At least. He said I do anyway. He was ready. I wasn't.

When will life snap back in focus for me?


Who knew that this infinite amount of pain and hurt could be compacted into three little words when not used together doesn't mean that much but arranged together in such a threatening way can almost kill one.

"I Hate You."

He said that to me after I drove his drunken ass home from Tric.

Just three words.

I.

Hate.

And You.

Three.

Words.

God. I really don't see any point at all to keep on breathing.

How could he be so cruel? To me? What the hell did I do to him? It's not like I made Lindsey say no or date someone else!

FUCK. I sat in the god damn church and zipped my mouth close and watched the LOVE OF MY LIFE marry her. Her. She should be his target practice not fucking me!

Shit.

I cannot believe him. God. The nerve of him.

I feel somewhat better though…I went back to his room later after I basically cried out my water weight in tears and shaved his hair so he now is going to be sporting a Mohawk.

Childish? Yes.

Effective? Totally.

Now he can feel what I felt when he muttered those three god damn words in such distain at me. Now when he looks in the mirror he can see it all. Sure, he will most likely think he did it to himself but that's fine. When I see him walking down the street later today I will laugh. Maybe point. Maybe…no I WILL throw a water balloon or two at him.

He will also probably NOT remember telling me off as well. But whatever if it was that easy to say those words then…fuck him. I don't need him nor do I want to waste my time on someone who won't cry over me being gone.

I feel like singing "Merry Happy" by Kate Nash.

Don't ask.

In fact. I am going to write the lyrics. This song gives me…power. Hope? Yeah. Hope.

Damn does it feel great to have that back.

Watching me like you never watch no one
Don't tell me that you didn't try and check out my bum
Cause I know that you did
Cause your friend told me that you liked it

Gave me those pearls and I thought they were ugly
Though you try to tell me that you never loved me
I know that you did
'Cause you said it and you wrote it down

Dancing at discos
Eating cheese on toast
Yeah you make me merry make me very very happy
But you obviously, you didn't want to stick around

Dancing at discos
Eating cheese on toast
Yeah you make me merry make me very very happy
But you obviously, you didn't want to stick around

I can be alone, yeah
I can watch a sunset on my own
I can be alone, yeah
I can watch a sunset on my own
I can be alone
I can watch a sunset on my own

Sitting in restaurants
Thought we were so grown up
But I know now that we were not the people
That we turned out to be

Chatting on the phone
Can't take back those hours
But I won't regret
'Cause you can grow flowers
From where dirt used to be

I think he is really gone though. We are officially gone…erased and only concealed in a faint memory.

Lucas and Peyton is now something people are only going to whisper about.

Lucas Scott and Peyton Sawyer is only the Lucas and Peyton from a book.

Fictional.

Oh god, I have become fictional. How cruel is that?

I guess this will be the last entry in here now that I have lost the only love worth fighting for.

Far well…


Well I was cleaning out the hall closet when this book fell on my head. I just spent the past hour reading it. I was a lonely girl. Some days I look at myself and I can hardly see that other Peyton. I could never be happier.

Three years ago I got married. It was my dream wedding. It was on the beach and I was barefoot and so was everyone else. It was a somewhat small wedding. Brooke was my maid of honor and Haley was my matron of honor. My father was there and he walked me down the aisle and gave me away. Although my moms weren't there in body they were there in spirit. Red roses and daisies were everywhere, at the altar and hooked on the backs of the guest chairs. Only close family and friends attended. It was amazing.

I am now pregnant with twins. Twins! Holy crap I am going to be a mother. I am so excited. I never thought I could be this happy, this blessed.

My husband, he is just everything I could possibly imagine and everything I remember from when we were younger. We had gone through our fairs share of tragedies and break ups but…it all came together in the end and now we are better and stronger than ever. The pain made us stronger.

Reading about all the people who have left me whether to death or other reasons…I realized something today while I felt my babies kick. Yes people leave, all the time they leave. Hell, I have had my fair share of that. But they have to leave first to come back. That's what Lucas did. He came back to me.