A/N: Er…do I really need to explain anything? I mean, really? seriously, does the title not say at all?

Just in case, this is a response to Chapter 6 of l8rg8r123's fic 'Dear Fanfiction Authors'.

Dear Alex,

To start with, I didn't say there are many teenage girls who could be spies – I just said that not all teenage girls can't be spies.

Though, for the record, I might actually be decent spy material with just a little bit of training. Beauty, gorgeous, and pretty are all relative. It's still up in the air whether or not I'm good-looking (blanket term). Everything else, I've got down.

And I understand. I'm actually not that fond of Yassen has a heart stories, myself. Still like Yassen's interactions with you, though, sweetheart. But, in my fic, Yassen's not the bad guy. He's just not the good guy, either. Want me to write something with him as pure evil? I'd be happy to. I may not be able to take on a multi-chapter story, but one-shots are plentiful. That, and my plot bunnies are on Viagra, so I've got plenty to dish out. Any requests?

On that note, Sabina – any one-shots on your behalf you'd like to requests? I take them. I may not necessarily write it out, but I'll listen to the request.

And Alex, I promise to make you even more sarcastic when meeting up with a hot girl – Sabina and otherwise – all right? Will that make you feel better?

I'm trying to make you feel better for all the shit I put you through and all that.

Now, I know you think don't really need the painkillers, but please, stop trying to be all macho. They're free, they're available, and best of all, they're doctor prescribed – why turn down drugs?

And Jade, let him finish what he wants to say about money and sex. I want to hear it. But seriously, money, and sex (or at least something vaguely sexual) are on the way…eventually…I have to build up to it, a little…

Why is the gay thing a problem? Unlike many slash writers, I don't actually think that you, yourself, are gay. I just like using your body, all right? I know that makes me sound like a pimp, or worse yet, a prostitution client, but seriously, I'm a whore at heart, so I promise to be nice to your body, all right?


Angst: Seriously, though, angst is just fun. It doesn't ruin the story, it ads to it! And, in most of my angst stories, you actually don't talk that much (in one that may or may not be coming out in half a year or so, you actually almost don't talk at all – you're almost mute), so you can't use 'not talking' as an excuse from emotional depth.


If I promise not to hurt you, will you come back? I swear, the worst you're going to get hurt is a light burn. And that's actually Jack's fault, not Alex's, and it's just a kitchen burn – er, it happened and was treated in the kitchen – so don't worry about it too much. For god's sake, Alex has been through so much worse than you have! Suck it up a little, you're not going to get shot.

And to the rest of you SAS-camp writers: I'm on Alex's side with this. They get shot all the time (I'm pretty sure that's a part of the job description). Alex getting shot won't be any different. Alex, I promise, next time you meet up with the K-Unit, short of the unit's medic (no, it's not Snake) doing a standard check over it, they're not going to give a shit about it.

On that note, I also promise not to use the typical, 'Wolf is Spanish, Eagle's a goof, Snake's the mature medic, and Fox is silent' set-up you typically see in the K-Unit fanfics. I'll be at least a little more creative than that.

Back on track: yes, you could still have been born if Yassen shagged your dad. Bisexual, anyway? I've dated two of them, and trust me, they can go both ways. (You have any idea how weird it is to have to tell your ex-boyfriend to keep his hands off your current boyfriend?).

And hey, you don't have to read about your dad and Yassen. And it's not AU, so you're still born. Just leave it to us young, male-interested, horny readers and writers to the slash fics.

Oh, and Jade? Please let Alex finish his sentences when he writes his letters. I'd like to hear everything that he says. Even though I'm probably not going to listen to them, his opinions are still important.

(And don't take that personally, Alex – I never listen to anyone. Ask anyone I know.)

Signed sincerely,


First Order MEO

Egoadministered Autoalienist (whoever tells me what that means gets an honorable mention)