A/N: Yep, yet another thing posted for JK Mafia's birthday.
Complete and total crackfic, I swear. Rated M for heavy gore later on, but mostly comedic. Heavy gore, just as heavy crack. (Rated M for a reason).
You have been warned.
Alex swore as he was sat down by Wolf against the wall, he himself cradling his twisted shoulder.
SAS training, round two. Day 1: Beat Snake in close quarters combat, and tear a shoulder in the process.
He took a deep breath and stood up a moment later, the entire K-Unit watching him with interest.
"I suppose I should go get this checked out?" he asking bitingly.
"Well, duh," Eagle said.
Alex cringed. Eagle had become so annoying…
He just sighed. Painfully.
Of course, Eagle being Eagle…
"Wolfie!" he said, rounding the K-Unit leader, oblivious to Wolf's glare that said, 'I'll strangle you right now, I swear I will', and kept on with his scolding tone. "Wolfie-man, did you have to hit Cubby so hard?"
"Cubby?" Alex said, grimacing comically and stepping back from the obviously deranged man before him. He knew it took a certain degree of insanity to join the SAS, but seriously, Cubby?!
"Yeah!" Eagle said, momentarily hopping up in triumph at the brilliance of the name. "Cubby."
Then he turned back pseudo-angrily to Wolf. "And look what you've done to him! the poor boy's writhing in agony-"
"I'm not in agony," Alex said hurriedly, cutting Eagle off. After Eagle had spent most of that morning singing TV show theme songs and dance tunes horribly off key, and spending the night before butchering random bits of historical poetry while they just tried to relax, all Alex wanted him to do just shut the fuck up.
Eagle turned back to him. "But-"
"No, really, look…" Alex rolled his shoulder slightly. Actually, it was agony, but he sure as hell wasn't going to give Eagle any more ammunition.
Grinning, he momentarily hopped between his feet, before stopping and looking at Alex.
"Sure you sure you're all right?" he said. "Because-"
"I'm fine," Alex said. "Honestly, I was just shot a few months ago and I've already done a few missions. Fast healer, high pain tolerance, I'm fine."
An incredulous stare.
"YOU WERE SHOT?!"
Alex blinked in surprise and took a step back. "Er…yeah?"
Eagle's eyes widened.
Giving Eagle an odd look (which, really, wasn't all that unusual), Alex said, "A sniper from Scorpia."
Snake snorted at the raging look on Eagle's face, Ben rolling his eyes, while Wolf was just giving Alex an odd look.
"YEAH?!" Eagle practically screamed. "IS THAT ALL YOU HAVE TO SAY?!"
Stepping back, wary look on his face now as Snake fought harder and harder to suppress his laughter, while Ben and Wolf were staring at Eagle like he'd grown a third head – that 'second head' having become a common factor ages ago.
"Well…it was a while back…" Alex mumbled.
"How…how far back?" Eagle said after a moment, suddenly glaring at Alex's shoulder as if it'd just murdered the Queen.
"A few months back…and a few weeks…"
"…you've survived two run-ins with them?"
Now Snake and Wolf just looked impressed, while Ben appeared to be looking at Eagle's fourth head…
"So what'd you do to piss them off?" Eagle asked abruptly.
"Well…I killed off their top assassin, and caused another one's death…foiled two of their operations…and killed two of their executive heads."
Eagle's jaw dropped.
"YOU DID WHAT?!"
"…killed a few of their people and their plans?"
There was a moment when Eagle's mouth snapped shut.
He started turning red in the face, then purple, in shock.
"Uh oh…" Ben said with conversational humor.
Then came the most surprising thing of all.
Alex was extremely glad he'd had his mouth shut when it happened, as blood spewed everywhere. His eyes shut and good arm shot up to protect his face, but when the squishing sound stopped, he dared to lower his arm and take a look around.
All four of the remaining team members were drenched in blood, Alex included. There were shreds of uniform stuck to the walls, also covered in blood, except for vague blank spots behind each member.
Intestines. Everywhere, like party lining, covering all of them, the floors, the walls, the window, most of it still connected. Not to mention other random goop which could other organs. Alex recognized a large chunk of liver at his own feet, and a little bit of kidney on his chest. There was what looked like a stomach, or parts of it, stuck to Wolf's shoulder.
Ben was grimacing as he looked down at himself, apparently having gotten a large numbers of arteries all over him, and a lung on his arm – the other lung having hit the window directly behind him, slowly sliding down the now-red glass. Snake was apparently covered in Eagle's brain.
And, all four of them were covered in patches of Eagle's skin, peach fuzz and all, and there were thin, shredded layers of muscle giving all the blood a thicker consistency where the gut-shreds themselves lacked.
All around them, it was still drizzling blood that now dripped off the ceiling, and Alex realized that there were hairs still snowing down.
Bizarrely enough, Eagle's boots were still standing right there in the epicenter of the explosion, perfect still, right where the man himself had been standing.
All in all, a grotesque image.
"Bloody hell…" Was all Ben said.
Suddenly, Wolf broke into a grin.
"Congratulations, Cub – you got rid of Eagle!"
Alex blinked, wiping away the kidney from his chest. "What the hell just happened?"
"Who knows…" Snake said.
"Who cares!" Ben said, delighted. "All that matters is that he's gone!"
"Well…I guess I better clean this up…" he said. "Seeing as I was the one who made him blow up, anyway…"
Wolf looked at him…and slowly started to shake his head.
"No way, Cub…I'll clean him up."
Judging by the look on Alex's face, Eagle's extra three heads transferred over to Wolf.
"Don't worry," Snake said. "It's just his version of a thank you."
Understanding crossing his face, Alex nodded. "Well, at least let me go tell-"
"I'll take care of that," Ben said. "Wolf'll clean in gratitude, I'll tell the higher ups that you made Eagle explode in thanks-"
"And I'll tell the rest of the Regiment," Snake said. "Except a party in celebration."
"Then what the hell will I be doing?" Alex asked.
"Taking a shower – first call," Wolf said, practically beaming at all the Eagle parts going around.
Alex grinned and nodded. "Thanks-"
"No, no, no, no, no!" Snake said. "Thank you! You got rid of Eagle-"
"But you still got rid of him!" Ben said.
Alex shrugged. "I'll just go, then…"
Wolf nodded and turned to the most of the mess, trying to decide what to clean up, first, as Alex turned and left.
Alex jumped back in surprise. After taking his shower, he'd gone to the K-Unit barracks to get a change of clothes. Walking out now, it appeared half the SAS was standing outside, cheering and all shouting thank you's.
Snake and half the C and F units were actually on the ground bowing.
"Er…you're welcome?" Alex said tentatively.
An entire round of laughter went around as they all lifted Alex up onto their shoulders and actually carried him to the mess hall, where they were apparently planning to throw him a huge 'Thank You' party.
He could get used to this…
As soon as the rest of his unit left, Wolf turned back to the mess, wiping off the bits and pieces of Eagle's stomach off his shoulder, not bothering to try and brush away the still-snowing hairs right away, or the dripping blood from the ceiling.
Well, get everything off the walls and in one, general area would be a good start.
He considered trying to get gloves or something, before figuring if he was already drenched in the man's blood and guts, gloves aren't going to help him shit. And he can't really be grossed out. For one, his hands were already coated with blood, fatty and muscle tissue, and a few veins. Two, he was in the SAS – being squeamish wasn't an option.
He frowned as he looked directly above him. What the hell…?
Eagle's spleen was stuck to the ceiling.
Wolf grabbed a prop-broom from a near-by closet and poked the ceiling.
And…why the fuck wasn't it coming off?!
Finally, he just poked the damn spleen itself.
Then hit it. Hard.
Now it came off…
Oh. Part of it was stuck in a lighting fixture. Figures.
Sighing, he took a step forward, and frowned as he stepped on something soft and nearly made him fall flat on his arse.
Whatever it was slipped under his foot and swam across the blood-drenched floor. Frowning, he carefully took a few steps, before stopping and staring at what it was.
Apparently, a penis.
Hm…he didn't know Eagle was circumcised.
He took another step, then paused as that stupid penis (damn thing was too fucking big to be Eagle's…but it really couldn't be anyone else's…) moved again.
Then he realized the blood spot he was standing in wasn't a puddle – it was a pool of blood…and the penis was floating on top of it.
Sighing, he turned away. He'll get back to that, later. Focus on getting the other guts into the same, general area.
Most of the guys had wiped off most of the guts from their persons before leaving, so for a few minutes, he just shoved different guts around with his foot. Hm, where the hell were Eagle's balls? Maybe the man really didn't have any…
Shaking his head, he turned around, and in surprise, smirked as he realized that the man's jaw, nostrils, and neck had remained intact, and together. The lips were intact, the cheeks even still there, if a little floppy. The neck and lower jaw were connected, and even the man's tongue and teeth were still there, along with the entirety of his neck, looking like some sort of super-thick disc.
Clean up – so much the easier.
Pausing to turn around and make sure most of the guts were in a single pile directly behind him, he froze when he heard a rasping hiss…and…
That was Eagle's voice.
He slowly turned in horror.
That massive jaw-neck piece…was moving.
Flopping. Lips were moving, tongue was dancing…and the neck was flopping.
"No…" Wolf said, eyes wide in horror as he stared in shock, realization donning. "No…no…NO!"
A/N: …blame JK Mafia, not me! It was her idea, I just wrote it!
IT'S ALL HER FAULT!!
(Ok, the ending was all mine - but Eagle exploding was all hers!)