Sooooooooo, yeah. I'm back. Buuuuuuuuut this probably isn't what you were hoping for. Too bad. I wanted to write this so Imma do it. This is a one-shot that's been poking me in the face ever since I thought about it. Do have any idea how absolutely annoying that is? So this thing is getting taken care of. Now. This takes place in the far flung future. Maybe like, a year or two after shippuden.
I don't own Naruto. I don't think I could handle the responsibility anyway.
Tsunade was absently flipping through the files on her desk; humming a little tune to herself. Her assistant, Shizune, was busy watering the plants in the corner. Tonton, Tsunade's pet pig (whom Shizune takes care of), was lying on the carpet attempting to nap in the sunlight. The lack of communication was grating on both of their nerves. Deciding on a topic Tsunade started off what was almost assuredly going to be an awkward conversation.
"So…I…ate some ramen…yesterday." She said, slowly allowing her voice to dwindle away towards the end of her sentence. Both Tonton and Shizune stopped what they were doing to look at Tsunade with incredulous expressions.
"Why in God's name would I care?" Shizune asked. Normally she would have just said something like, "That's Nice" or simply "Mmmhmm" but that was just so…so…stupid, that she just had to ask. Tsunade shrugged, a defeated look on her features.
"I don't know. Just trying to start a conversation. Guess I was thinking of Naruto." Tsunade sighed. "It's been quiet since he left with Sasuke to spend some of his vacation time at that spa." She said, sounding just as bored as they all knew she was.
"Tsunade-sama, that was yesterday. And he's coming back today." Shizune said. "He's gonna be here in like," she looked at the clock, "ten minutes." She sighed as well though. It was boring without the cheerful blonde around. They were coming to sign their return into Tsunade's office personally; as they had left the village under a forced vacation. Naruto could never stop training for even a couple days.
Ten minutes later said cheerful blonde burst through the doors a relaxed looking Sasuke following behind. The two women in the room looked up expecting to see a relaxed and smiling Naruto and they weren't disappointed.
"I AM GOING TO KILL; EVERYTHING!!"
Oh wait, yes they were.
"Naruto-kun!? What happened? Didn't you have a relaxing time at the spa?" Shizune asked with concern. Naruto was currently seething about something.
"NO! It was horrible! HORRIBLE I TELL YOU!" He shouted.
"Don't be such a bitch. I had a great time." Sasuke said as he allowed himself to sink into one of the chairs in front of Tsunade's desk. Naruto plopped down next to him and proceeded to rant. Tonton got up and trotted over to Naruto, where she went on to jump into his lap and curl up. Shizune walked over and stood next to Naruto. Relieving him of Tonton, something the pig didn't seem to mind much, as long as it was still relatively comfortable.
"Oh! Yeah! Easy for you to say! It sucked and I'll tell you why. First off, when we got there they mistook me for Sasuke's 'special friend'." Naruto said as he utilized his air-quotes. Both women were red-faced at the thought, and Sasuke grimaced. "Then, when we get to the masseuse, Sasuke here gets this total babe; I, on the other hand, got some guy who look like he just finished using his mother's spine to shank a couple puppies in the face before lifting a house to crush the evidence. Needless to say I walked in with less knots, and more un-broken bones."
"That's terrible!" Shizune exclaimed as she put a comforting hand on Naruto's shoulder. Sasuke only sniggered.
"That's not even the worst of it. Go on, tell 'em dobe." Sasuke said, mirth in his eyes and his voice.
"Right." Naruto said, glaring Sasuke to near death. Sasuke made no indication that he felt it. "So after that I'm thinkin' 'a dip in the hot springs will do me some good'." Tsunade and Shizune nodded, it made sense. "So while I'm trying to get to the hot spring, Sasuke was enjoying a rather loud happy ending, you-son-of-a-bitch." Shizune and Tsunade blushed again while Sasuke put his hands behind his head and sighed contentedly.
"Ooooooh yeeaaaaaaah." Sasuke drawled, making it sound as though he had been reminded of the event after forgetting.
"Yeaaaaaah, so I'm hobbling toward the indoor hot spring when I find out the men's side's plumbing was broken! But here's the best part! One of the plumbers walking by sees me and asks if I know anything about fixing pipes. I've had to fix them in my apartment a couple of times so I say that I do. He says great, and drags my sorry ass down into the basement to work on searing hot pipes for the next two hours." Naruto drawled. Shizune rubbed his shoulders with her one hand while holding Tonton on her hip with the other.
"Ugh, that's awful. I hope he at least paid you." Tsunade said as she rubbed her forehead. How could things go so terribly wrong?
"No. The guy said since I was staying for free that I should at least help out. And it wasn't until after I fixed the hot spring that my good buddy over there," he pointed at Sasuke with an accusing finger, "got pity taken on him by the female side and was allowed to bath with them. And every single one of them was a hottie." Naruto said, shaking his head.
"Yeeeeeeeup. Every last one. Mega-babes." Sasuke said, nodding his head.
"But it wasn't all bad." Naruto said as he leaned back and massaged the bridge of his nose.
"Really? How couldn't it be all bad?" Shizune asked.
"I learned something. Something important, that I'll never forget."
"And what did you learn exactly?" Tsunade asked.
"That an Uzumaki's good luck is instantly flipped on its ear when an Uchiha is in the immediate vicinity." Naruto very seriously stated.
"That's it?" Tsunade asked, unbelieving of Naruto's stupid statement.
"What do you mean that's it? It's true! His luck counters mine! If we were in the middle of a thunder storm, Sasuke would luckily not get struck by lightning because it would strike me instead." Naruto exclaimed.
"Naruto, that's ridiculous." Tsunade said as she began to sign her paperwork again.
"No it's true. That actually happened. Twice. And that whole 'lightning never strikes the same place twice' thing? That's B.S." Sasuke said in a matter of fact tone.
"And he was holding a lightning rod!" Naruto shouted, throwing his arms up.
"Wow. Sucks to be you Naruto." Tsunade said.
"Tsunade-sama!" Shizune gasped.
"Well it's true! I'm not gonna baby him." Tsunade countered.
"You'd better not! Even though I'm practically a baby compared to you, you old hag!" Naruto shouted.
"What was that!?" Tsunade yelled. Sasuke excused himself and bid Naruto luck with his flight. Shizune tried to stop the two but they were already butting heads.
-15 minutes later Naruto's apartment-
Naruto sighed as he walked into his apartment and flung his shoes in various directions. He was currently sporting a rather large bump on his head as well as a fat lip. "Ugh, what a shitty day. I'm just gonna take a hot bath and sleep for a week." As he began to reach for his bathroom door there was a knock at his door. "I wonder who the hell that is."
His injuries gone, he answered the door to find a smiling Shizune. "Hey Shizune-neechan. What's up?"
"Oh nothing I just wanted to see if you were okay, Naruto-kun." She said as he let her in the apartment.
"Meh, I'm fine. Just in a bad mood more than anything else I guess. I was just about t-" He was interrupted by a tugging at his pant leg. Looking down he caught sight of Tonton pulling on said clothing article with her mouth. Smiling he bent down and picked the little pig up.
"Oh sorry. As soon as I said I was coming here she just had to come." Shizune apologized.
"No problem. I'm always happy to see lil' Ton-chan. Aren't I? Aren't I? Yes I am! Yes I am!" Naruto began to baby talk Tonton. This caused Shizune to giggle and Tonton to squeal in delight. For the last year, whenever Shizune was too busy to take care of Tonton she would ask Naruto to baby-sit. He gladly accepted the company and quickly took to Tonton. She had only asked him to do it about four times and she had rarely seen the way he interacted with the pig as he would simply drop her off at the Hokage's office or Shizune's house personally when the job was finished. Since then she had spent a great deal at his home during their time off rather than going out or staying home like she used to. And Naruto was always accommodating, offering to cook, or even let her stay the night if it got too late, but she would always refuse. She didn't want to impose.
"So what were you just about to do?" Shizune asked as she watched him tickle "Ton-chan" while holding her like a baby in one arm.
"Well-" just as he was about to make up something, not daring to let his company feel like they weren't wanted, because they were wanted, his stomach chose that moment to make a loud growl. "Apparently I was going to make dinner." Tonton oinked happily at the thought of food.
"Oh well I wouldn't want to make you-" Shizune was cut off by both Naruto and Tonton using a big puppy dog pout.
"Aww c'mon Shizune-chan. Just stay for dinner. Just this once?" Naruto pleaded, Tonton whining in addition to make the argument indisputable. Naruto was half certain that if Itachi was poised to strike, absolutely ready to kill, and Naruto had Tonton with him and asked if he would spare their lives that the murderous Uchiha would have said, "Oh, I can't say no to those faces. Go on get out of here you little scamps." But only half certain.
Sighing in defeat Shizune agreed, "Fine, but only because I can't say no to those faces."
"Heh, score." Naruto said as he pounded hoof with Tonton.
"Now let's see. What's for dinner? Dumplings?" he asked the pig in his arms who shook her head 'no' in response.
Yet another negative.
"Hmmmm…maybe…ramen, perhaps!" Naruto asked as he threw the pig in the air a caught her. The pig oinking in laughter. "I'll take that as a yes." After setting the water to boil he shifted her so that she was resting on her back in his left arm while he opened the cupboard with his right. Reaching in he pulled out a cup of ramen.
"How 'bout shrimp?" he asked showing Tonton the cup.
"Yeah, me neither." Putting it back he pulled another one out. "Chicken?"
"I wasn't really felling chicken either." He pulled another. "Por--never mind." Quickly shoving that one back in the cupboard he sighed. "Well those are the only flavors I've got right now." Tonton looked disappointed before Naruto spoke up again. "Or are they!?" Tonton squealed happily again. "That's right! Miso! Yay!" Naruto exclaimed as he started tickling Tonton's belly.
Shizune smiled at the sight. He looked like a father playing with his child. She thought that Naruto would make an excellent father. She began to wonder what if Naruto had ever thought of settling down, and what Naruto's children would look like. Then she realized that it would also depend on the mother. From there her thoughts went to the process of actually making children. She began to blush; not liking where her train of thought was taking her.
Ignorant to Shizune's thoughts Naruto pulled three cups from behind his back and placed them on the counter. As he was preparing the noodles Tonton looked at his table. Quickly jumping from his arms, to which Naruto paid no head, she began to quietly rearrange Naruto's dining table. Naruto was too busy with his 'cooking' to notice and Shizune was caught up with trying to push images out of her head.
"Have a seat Shizune-chan! This'll only take another minute or so." he said as he was stirring the pot. The medic-nin shook her head to remove the perverted cobwebs and quickly took a seat.
"O-oh, right, thanks." As she began to take in Naruto's kitchen, which was in good order she felt a pig-like disturbance in her lap. Inspecting her own lap she saw a content looking Tonton. She sighed happily as well as she leaned back into her chair and watched Naruto cook, there was a light tune playing on the radio near the stove. 'ahh, I could get used to this.' Shizune thought with a smile.
She was brought out of her daydream by the sound of pot hitting wood as Naruto brought the ramen to the table. She then noticed that Naruto was practically sitting next to Tonton, he was so close. She blushed lightly.
"Why are you sitting so close?" Shizune asked nervously.
"I don't know, this is the only other chair. I thought you wanted me to sit here." Naruto answered as he pulled his chair away and gave Shizune room to breath.
"No, I didn't move the chair, and you were cooking so that leaves- Tonton." Tsunade's apprentice said as she fixed Tonton with an angry mother look. The pig oinked nervously.
"I thought it was kinda weird. Wait, where the hell are my other chairs?" Naruto asked as he looked at Tonton. The pig nervously glanced at the bathroom door and slowly beginning to sweat under scrutinizing gazes.
"In my bathroom. Seriously?" He got up and opened the door,"Seriously." and was immediately tackled by a quarter back made out of chairs. "Ow." Shizune hopped up and rushed over to see if he was alright, Tonton followed knowing he would be fine.
"Naruto-kun! Are you alright!?" After receiving a positive grunt from the blonde prisoner of the chair jail, she turned her worried gaze to Tonton. And it was no longer filled with worry. "TONTON! You could have seriously hurt someone! What were you thinking!?" She screamed while shaking the pig.
"Mah, it's alright Shizune-chan. It's gonna take more than a chair-valanche to hurt me. Plus I think I know why Ton-chan did it." Naruto said while getting up and rubbing his head. Tonton froze and Shizune had a curious look on her face.
"Really?" She asked.
"Oh yes, I'm sure that little Ton-chan was hoping that I'd find the chairs and that they'd knock me out. And then she could eat all my ramen!" Naruto said with tears in his eyes. "Ton-chan! I thought we were friends!" Tonton merely shook her head in disappointment.
"I don't think that's what she was trying to do, Naruto-kun." Deadpanned Shizune. Honestly that was just retarded.
"Oh, well, then everything is forgiven! Let's eat!" The meal was filled with laughter oinks and small talk. Afterwards Shizune looked at her watch.
"Mah, it's already eight o' clock. We should really go, I don't want to keep you from your business." Shizune said holding Tonton.
"Pfft, what business? I don't mind if you guys stay, hell, you can stay the night if you want! It's boring here by myself and I don't want to train for at least one more day." Naruto said nonchalantly, s if he hadn't just admitted that he didn't want to train.
"Uzumaki Naruto! Are you feeling alright? Because I could have sworn I just heard you admit that you didn't want to train." Shizune chided with one hand on her hip, the other holding her oinking cargo.
"Watch it you, that there is thin ice, missy, and if you don't watch it you will pay the price." Naruto warned waggling a finger in her direction.
"Oh and what are you gonna do about it; Mister Bad day McGrumpington?" Shizune taunted again. Normally she wasn't like this but being with Naruto made her happy and playful.
"That's it." Naruto, who had been lounging on his couch dove over the back and ran at playfully shrieking Shizune and a happily squealing Tonton. "You've just released the Beast!" Shouted Naruto as he began to mercilessly tickle Shizune and she was ticklish. Badly ticklish.
"AhahahahaHAHA-No! Hahaha-No-ha-No! Not the Beast! HaHAHAHAHA-P-p-please stop!" Shizune pleaded with tearful eyes as she struggled to find freedom from her hilarious doom.
"But you're so cute when you're laughing Shizune-chan! I can't just stop. When am I gonna get another chance like this? Muwahahahaha!" Naruto cackled as he continued to torture his helpless victim. Tonton oinking in delight beside him.
"You're horrible! Baahahhahahahaha!!" Shizune managed to laugh out.
"Oh, you want horrible? I'll give you horrible!" Naruto picked her up and threw her onto the soft couch where pounced, and redoubled his efforts. Somewhere in the struggle Shizune had managed to grab his wrist and flipped him over. At this point she was red in the face from the laughter and the touch. She straddled his waist and Tonton held his arms above his head by his sleeves. She had a mad gleam in her eye.
"N-now Shizune-chan lets settle this like adults!" Naruto pleaded as she reached into her kimono' sleeve. She lifted his shirt and pulled out her weapon. "That is one Big-ass feather!" and Big-ass it was. In reality it was just a henged regular feather, but Naruto had always been horrid a genjutsu.
"NOOOOO!!" Naruto screamed as Shizune gave as good as she got. "HAHAHAAA OH GOD WHY HAHAHAHAHAAAHAHAHHA!! BWAHAAAHAHHAAA OH THIS IS THE WORST THING EVERRRRAAAAHHAHAHAHAA!!" Ten minutes later and the exhausted and still giggling shinobi collapsed onto the couch, using each other for support.
"Haa, Haaa damn, Shizune-chan! You're freakin' berserker!" Naruto said as he covered his eyes with his forearm and gasped for breath with a smile on hi face.
"It takes one to know one I suppose." Shizune shot back in much the same condition as her host. Tonton lay blissfully between them sighing in contentment. She turned her head to face Naruto and he turned to face her. Their lips were close, she noted distantly as she met his gaze. They were both breathing heavily.
"Did you…did you really mean it when you said I was cute?" Shizune asked with a blush. Naruto's own face lit up as well. What was she doing!? Sure, he was eighteen but she was his superior in several senses of the word! And he must think she was a-
"Yeah, I did." Okay so maybe he thought a little bit more of her than she initially deduced.
"O-oh." Just as she was about to reign it all back in and get the hell out of there before this got even more awkward she felt a very piggish impact on the back of her head. This, in turn, caused her lips to crash into those of her young host.
"Mph!! Mmmf-mph! Mmmmmmm…" She moaned into the kiss as she closed her eyes. Her arms wrapped around the back of Naruto's neck and her gingerly held her sides as he fell back, happy to deepen the pleasant sensation on his face. They broke apart for air.
"Damn my lungs!" Naruto said between gasps. Shizune agreed as she glanced back at Tonton who was looking pretty pleased with herself. So that's why the crafty little devil had moved the chairs. Shizune shook her head in amusement, her pig was playing matchmaker. Looking back at Naruto the room became degrees warmer.
"So, u-um, do you want to stay the night? S-Shizune-chan.?" Naruto asked with hope in his voice. Shizune simply smiled and kissed him again, but on the inside…'He's so cute when he's nervous! It must be his first time! Alright I'm gonna breaks me a virgin!'
"I'd love to Naruto-kun." She said as she broke the kiss. She pulled herself and Naruto up and he lead the way to his bedroom. While he was inside getting ready Shizune ran back to the couch and grabbed a confused Tonton. "Thankyouthankyouthankyou!" She squealed as she rubbed her face on the pig's. She quickly got back to matters at hand and rushed into the bedroom.
-The Next Morning-
Tsunade had decided to call Naruto in for a mission. Nothing big, just a simple bandit removal mission, nothing hard but just the thing to relieve stress; which the blonde seemed to have in spades. Those poor, poor bandits. She dialed his number and waited patiently for it to ring. At the fifth ring she thought he might be out, but it was still early. Maybe he just wasn't going to answer when he finally picked up the phone.
It sounded like he was fumbling with it and Tsunade thought she heard him say, "How the hell did it get over there?" He sounded very far away from the phone and she could barely make out his voice in the background. Something about "crazy night" and "wild cat". As she was wondering what Naruto could possibly be doing with wild animals and, better yet, where he got one a voice came over the receiver.
"…Shizune?" Tsunade asked incredulously.
"Tsunade-sama!?" Shizune shouted in disbelief. Tsunade heard Naruto's voice in the back, 'Shit!'
"'Naruto-kun! Shh!' A-ah, yes, hello Tsunade-sama. Good morning!" Shizune said.
"I'll bet it is." Tsunade said in a knowing tone. "So was he good?"
"Tsunade-sama!!" Shizune shrieked in an embarrassed voice.
'What? What did she say?'whisper whisper 'Eww! Granny! Don't ask those kinds of questions! You're old!'
"Yes, well, I was going to give Naruto a mission but I can't tell he's got his hands full. Or are they yours, Shizune?" Tsunade teased again.
'SERIOUSLY GRANNY! STOP!'
"Alright, alright. So are you guys an item or what?" Tsunade asked offhandedly while she inspected her nails, in reality she was quite excited about this turn of events. A new couple! People to tease! And she was going to hold this event over their heads for years!
"W-we…um…we are…" Tsunade could practically hear her friend's blush.
Back at the apartment Shizune, covered in Naruto's sheets was looking at the man in question. He simply smiled and kissed while holding her hand. Shizune smiled the biggest smile she'd ever had in her life.
"Naruto-kun is my man now! Believe it!" Before she could hang up Naruto yanked the receiver out of her hand and shouted into it.
"Plan on grand kids!" Naruto was setting the receiver down as Shizune yelled, "At least three!"
Naruto simply hung up the phone and took Shizune in his arms, "How'd I get sucha cool chick?" They both looked to his door to find a smirking Tonton peeking in.
"I've got a hunch." Shizune said as she hugged her new boyfriend. Talk about when pigs fly!
Back at the office. Tsunade was still recovering from the outburst. She slowly hung up the phone and got back to work. She had a smile on her face as she signed another paper. Normally this would make her feel as though a tiny piece of her soul was dying but not today! Wait…if they have kids then she actually would be a granny! And now that every second that passed she came closer to becoming an actual grandma, every time she signed a paper it felt like she was physically aging. Tsunade would cry herself to sleep that night.
THE END, bitches.
A/N: Thank you thank you. Yes, A triumphant return. I know. Don't expect too much to come in because I've gots me some college to go to. But, I'll try. I've got a laptop now so that's cool. Anyway, I'm glad to be back and I'm sure you all forgot that I was alive. I love you guys so much.