Damn it

A/N: I do not own Life With Derek and just for a warning, Derek does cuss a lot in this. Now that all that's out of the way, let's begin!

Love Bug

Damn it! This can not be happening to me. This is not happening to me! It just can't. I mean…she's my stepsister, I'm her stepbrother. We hate each other! There's definitely no love there, nope, nada, zip, none at all. But then why would Ralph say that…oh well, Ralph is always saying random things without the least bit of though behind them. Like yesterday when he blurted out something about a green unicorn. Seriously, that guy's a living acid trip. Wait, where was I? Oh yeah, Ralph being an idiot. I suppose I should rewind a bit so that you guys can see what I'm talking about. Okay so here we go back to this afternoon in the halls.


"Casey, come on, time to leave!"

"Actually Derek, Noel is going to give me a ride."

"What?"

"Noel is going to give me a ride."

"No…he can't…"

"Derek I don't remember needing your permission to accept a ride from a friend."

"You don't it's just…we – you, me, and Ralph – were going to Betty's Burgers…"

"Ew when your arteries clog, don't come looking at me for help."

"Case just get your stuff. We're leaving."

"No. I'm leaving with Noel!" Casey said haughtily before hurrying over to Noel's side.

"Well," Ralph laughed, "Look's like someone's caught the love bug."

"The love bug?" Derek asked, cocking an eyebrow at his friend.

"Yup. The luuuuuuuuve bug."

"Dude, shut up. You're a moron."

"You wouldn't be so quick to say that if you hadn't caught the love bug."

"Dude, I didn't catch any freaking love bug. There is no such thing as a love bug. Look it up in a freaking medical journal."

"That kind of stuff can't be written in journals. Love can't be put in a medical book like a symptom. You see, love is both a symptom and a cure to catching the love bug."

"Okay," Derek held up his hands and tried to stay calm, "Don't talk to me."

"But D…"

"Look, I don't have a love bug or any other retarded thing that you think I might. So…just get away from me," Derek said backing away from Ralph and heading towards his locker.

"What's eating him?" Sam asked as he walked over to Ralph.

"Derek's caught the love bug."

"Oh," Sam nodded knowingly, "Casey?"

"You've guessed it."

"I DON'T HAVE THE LOVE BUG!" Derek shouted from his locker.

"That's what they all say."


See what stupid friends I have? That reminds me, I really should look for some new ones. Ugh, can you believe them? Do you now see why I am so upset by this? I mean, a love bug? A freakin' love bug! Geeze, just when you think people couldn't get any dumber they go an' surprise you! How inconsiderate! Love bug…sheesh! What a bunch of baloney! Really – a love bug? There is no such thing. And besides that, even if there was, why'd I have caught it over Casey? Ewwwwwwwwww! I mean, Casey McDonald! Yuck with a capital "Y." Y-M-C-A…control yourself Venturi! Now is not the time! You have bigger fish to fry here…

…Such as dealing with this whole Casey issue. I mean, how could they even think I like her much less love her? I mean that is totally and utterly ridiculous! How stupid! How idiotic! How moronic! Wait…is that even a word? Oh well, it's moronic!

"Derek…"

Shit it's her! What do I say? What do I do? Do you think she over heard that conversation this afternoon? Damn it! I'm dead. I am officially dead. Have me cremated and spread my ashes over…

"Derek? Are you in there?"

"Uh…yeah."

"Okay well Mom just wanted me to let you know that dinner is ready…"

Just don't say anything else and maybe she'll go away.

"Are you okay in there?"

Just ignore her and make this whole mess go away.

"Derek…"

Shit! She's opening the door! Damn it! What is her problem? Why can't she just learn to leave a guy the hell alone?

"Oh…uh…uh…hi, Case."

"Are you okay, Derek?"

"Uh…yeah…I was just uh…uh…uhm…uh…"

"I don't have time for this!"

What the hell, she just rolled her eyes at me! Oh that little…wait a second? She took off her makeup. Wow, she's kind of pretty without all that gloop on her face. Wait! No…oooooh no! I did not just say Casey – Casey McDonald – is pretty. Uh-uh, no way. No way in hell!

"Derek? You know what, I think you're the Spacey one around here. Just come down for dinner soon, okay?"

"Oh…oh…okay."

Damn it Venturi, you stuttered! Venturis do not stutter! She's leaving, you can relax now. Jeeze! What the hell is your problem? Getting all weird and Spacey and…oh shit! Oh shit, oh shit, oh, shit oh, shit. Ralph was…right.