DISCLAIMER: I don't own any of these characters and don't earn any money on my writing, just playing around for fun. :)
Author's note: I know you're all dying for an update on my other stories but this one was what finally broke the writer's block so I thought I'd share it while you're waiting. :)
Reviews are love but PLEASE keep in mind my first language isn't English and that eventhough I have a beta there still, could be some grammar mistakes left...
LIKE A PRAYER
She had a lot of reasons for a lot of things in her life, since she usually thought things through before acting, but she had to admit to herself that her reasons to lie to Dean Winchester were vague and inconclusive at the best and kind of insane and stupid if you were honest. But still, none of her reasons for anything in life had felt more real and important than those.
Dean wasn't something she thought through. With Dean she just acted. She was young when she met him, way too young. They both were. Sometimes she thought that's why she remembered him like she did, but after seeing him again, she knows she was wrong. And she might have been young, but she knew way more about sex than a girl in her age should have – another thing she and Dean had in common – another way they connected – because they connected. In so many ways and on so many levels that her mind still couldn't grasp it. Soulmates was the word she would use if its true meaning wasn't already destroyed by a million cheesy movies, or 'chick flicks' as Dean called them.
The weekend they were together had held a lot of weird, heavy, philological conversations about life and death and all the things in between. When they didn't talk, they had sex. And having sex with Dean Winchester wasn't like anything she had ever expired before, or after for that matter. She enjoyed sex – always had, but sex with Dean was beyond enjoying.
Sex with Dean was like a prayer.
A deep and heartfelt prayer and she weren't surprised when she ended up pregnant. Sex like that had to mean something. Dean gave her something she had never had before, something she couldn't quiet grasp, and she was never the same when he left. But not in a bad way.
She knew all the time he wouldn't stay, and she didn't want him to, and her reasons for that were exactly the same as her reasons for not telling him that Ben really was his. Dean Winchester wasn't just anybody. He had a mission in life. An important mission, and he would never let anything or anyone come between him and that mission, and she didn't expect him to. Because Dean Winchester's heart belonged to someone else – someone far more important than she and Ben. Dean's heart belonged to his little brother, and nothing could ever change that.
She knew Sam was special somehow. She didn't know what was so special about him, but it was something more than just being Dean's little brother. She could feel it in the air when Dean talked about him, and Dean talked about him a lot. Sam would make a difference for mankind, and therefore he needed Dean's protection. Dean never came right out and told her that, but still she knew.
At the time, she had no clue what all that meant, where the feeling that it had something to do with things beyond her understanding had come from. She just knew this was beyond her, beyond most people. After Dean came back and saved Ben, she got a better picture and now, when Sam stood in front of her, looking tall and strong and dangerous, she was pretty sure she had the picture completely clear to her. This was a matter of life and death, and not only for Sam and Dean, but for the whole world.
He didn't say one word in greeting, nor did he offer any kind of explanation, just said, "Can I see him?"
She nodded. "Just be quiet. I don't want him to wake up."
He gave a short nod and moved up the stairs, going straight to Ben's room, like he knew where it was, which he probably did. He stood in the doorway for a long time, just looking at Ben, his face motionless, but a storm of emotions showing in his eyes then he turned to her.
"He's Dean's, isn't he?"
She just nodded.
"You never told him?"
She shook her head.
"Because of me?"
She nodded again, knowing that lying would be useless, he already knew. He knew everything. Actually, she was pretty sure he could read her mind.
"Can I touch him?"
She nodded again, knowing that even though he looked dangerous he wasn't really – at least not to them. He was just looking for a way to get things to make sense, a way to ground him, which, she suddenly realized, meant that Dean was gone and she felt her heart constrict.
Sam went over to her son's bed and kneeled down, ghosting his hand over Ben's hair and face, then caressed him like he was the most precious thing on earth, and when he turned around and looked at her, the look of grief and pain on his face made tears pool in her eyes.
"Sam...," she said helplessly.
And that was enough. His face changed back to the stiff mask of indifference that had greeted her when she opened the door. A face where only the eyes where alive, but for some reason she knew that was enough. As long as his eyes were alive, there was hope. Hope for all of them – including Dean.
He stood up, and in his full height, he was an impressive sight – tall, dark, and dangerous. But she wasn't sacred, because this was Dean's little brother, Sammy. This was what Dean lived and fought for, and as pure as Dean's heart was, he would never fight for something evil.
"I need you to do two things for me."
"Anything," she replied sincerely.
"I need some of his blood, and I want you to put this on him when he wakes up." He handed her a necklace, Dean's necklace. "It will keep him safe."
She nodded again. "How much do you need?"
"Not much. A couple of drops will do."
"I'll get a needle."
She stood in the door, watching him prick the skin on Ben's middle finger, wondering what would have happened if she had said no. Ben moaned and shifted in bed, but Sam just murmured some reassuring words and squeezed out some blood on a silver ring. Dean's silver ring. Then he tenderly stroked Ben's hair before turning to her.
"Nothing," he said earnestly, "nothing would have happened. I would have found another way."
So she was right about the mind reading thing.
Sam stood up and went down the stairs, and she followed him in silence.
He opened the door to leave, but stopped and turned around, his hand still on the door handle. "Thank you."
"Will he ever be back?"
Sam nodded gravely. "Yeah, he will be back for the necklace."
"And it will be enough to keep Ben safe in the meantime?"
Sam nodded again. "Yeah, it's me they really want, not him."
She closed her eyes in relief.
Sam bit his bottom lip, and suddenly he looked more like he was five than like a lethal weapon. "Look, when he gets back, I'll let you have him – full time."
She shook her head and smiled sadly. "No, Sam. That's not possible. He wasn't mine to keep to being with. He always belonged to you. Just take care of him, okay?"
Sam nodded and disappeared into the night.
She closed the door and went up stairs to check on Ben. She stood in the doorway, watching Dean Winchester's son, wondering how long it would take his dad to come back to them.