Okay, this has been a plot bunny for quite some time now. It was bugging me, and I decided to spill it out.

Basically, fanfiction has found its way into Hogwarts (since there are so many Muggle-borns there…). No real pairing.

An annoyingly amusing Fred and George, and a nagging Hermione. Not sure I've kept them in character.



"Aye, you're behind the times, aren't you, Harry?"

"It's really popular right now, you know. Stories flying about here and there. Fun stuff."

Hermione's voice broke in, indignant. "But some of the material is really quite indecent! I mean, there are all sorts of offensive--"

Fred gave a wicked grin to George. "Pardon me, Mr. George," he said to his brother, as if not hearing Hermione's interruption, "I wonder, do you know any indecent fanfics out there?"

"Indeed I do, Mr. Fred," replied George back, his voice and face exaggeratingly grave. "Terrible, really."

"And, pray tell, how do you know about them?"

"Why, how else could a fellow know? I've read them, of course, and even written some of them--" here the twins broke into a simultaneous smirk, and Hermione reddened with embarrassment.

"It's not-- I haven't-- no, I haven't read them! " she said quite angrily. "And don't even think I've written--I mean, you know that murder exists; that doesn't mean you're a murderer!"

Fred pondered that with a finger about his chin. "There's something mighty off about that line of reasoning," he mused. George said, with a frown, "Well, there was that bloody irritating Slytherin girl who kept following us up and about the castle last Christmas… her body's stacked in the Forbidden Forest now, you know," he added cheerily to Hermione, who resisted the urge to roll her eyes in disgust. She turned to Harry, who had been quiet all this time.

"Are you all right, Harry?" she asked, with concern, and then cast an annoyed glance at the twins, who were now uproariously laughing about George's little joke. "Don't mind them; they just haven't grown up."

Harry shook his head a bit, and stared at her as if surprised that she was there, green eyes cloudy. "Oh-- no, I don't mind. It's just…" His voice dwindled into silence, and Hermione bit her lip, worried. Her friend was stressed, she could see that, with all the animosity many of the students had against him. And Professor Umbridge, she thought, just isn't helping.

Fred and George's laughter had finally ceased, and Fred came and clapped Harry on the shoulder. "Come now, Harry, we're worried about you. We can't cheer you up if you're not even paying the slightest bit of attention."

That whole 'fan fiction' business was 'cheering him up?' Hermione thought wryly. But despite herself, she was touched, though she didn't show it. Harry, however, smiled, though it seemed a bit strained.

"Sorry for that… I-- I'm just…" He sighed, but his eyes cleared."What were you saying again?"

"Did you hear that whole fan fiction bit, then?" When Harry shook his head, Fred grinned. "Look, I'm surprised you don't know, seeing how it was originally a Muggle thing."

Harry looked surprised, but Hermione just rolled her eyes. "How's he going to know? It's normally found on the Internet--"

"Really?" asked Harry. "Well, it's not like Dudley's computer's free for me…"

The twins shared amused glances. "Well, Hermione's right, anyway; it's found on that Muggle thing called the Internet," George informed them, "but let me continue what Fred's been saying. Anyhow, apparently, Muggles sometimes make up these stories involving characters they know from things like their favorite books…"

"… shows on television…"

"…something called movies…"

"…and other things like that," Fred finished. "But we don't have those kinds of things here, so guess what they're writing about here?"

"What?" asked Harry, though he was afraid he half-knew the truth. Hermione tapped her foot as if impatient, though she secretly felt amused at the whole thing.

George spread his arms. "People here in Hogwarts, of course-- most usually, you, being the Boy Who Lived and probably the most popular person in the wizarding world, close to You-Know-Who--"

"--and some of the fanfics about you read more like fantasies than actual stories, you know? For some odd reason, those kinds of stories are usually written by girls…" Fred smirked as Harry dropped his eyes and flushed. George added, "And also, there's this sort of thing called 'shipping'; not quite sure if this means the same thing for Muggles, but here, shipping refers to pairings in a fanfic. Romantic pairings, you know. And there are a lot of them."

Here was when Hermione burst out, "No, no! Don't tell him about those!"

The twins laughed. "Why, do you know some of those pairings?" teased Fred, while George chuckled. "Seems you have read some fanfiction, Hermione."

The girl gave a huge, exasperated sigh. "Fine, do whatever you like," she retorted. "I'm going to go look for Ron. I don't know if he's up yet." So saying, she stalked away from them.

Fred gave a lopsided grin to Harry. "She's confessed nothing."

Harry said uneasily, "Is it really that bad?"

"That depends," George admitted. "To me, it's not that bad. But there are some mighty odd pairings out there."


Fred sighed, and as if telling some heavy, important truth, he said, "Harry, my boy, there's a lot of them, but I guess we'll start with the basics first. There's a pairing with you and Hermione--" Harry's eyes widened, and he was slightly grateful that Hermione wasn't there-- "and other stories have her and Ron."

Harry took a deep breath, and then smiled. "Well, I don't know about Ron and Hermione," he said. "But Hermione's like a sister to me."

Fred nodded gravely. "No doubt about that. But let us move on."

"I will first tell you the pairings that involve you; here…" And as George listed each and every pairing involving Harry, with help from Fred, the scarred boy himself was struck speechless. At first it wasn't so bad.

"…I think they've got a Harry and Luna thing…"

"…and a Ginny and Harry one too…"

"…you with that Ravenclaw girl, Cho Chang, I think… Harry, are you blushing?"

Yet it gradually worsened.

"…and then there's you and Snape…"

"…don't forget you and Ron…"

A million mind-numbing pairings later, Harry croaked out, "Stop!"

Yet there was one more pairing, and George was intent on keeping his promise.

"There's a pairing with you and that Malfoy kid, you know." The effect was instantaneous.


"Fred? George? Oh, I knew it was your fault! Why are you such idiots?!" Hermione's shrill voice pierced the air, and Madam Pomfrey poked her head around the hospital curtain, where she had been attending to Harry.

"Shhh! There are students here, Miss Granger!"

Ron, who was quietly trying to calm Hermione down, smiled shakily at the nurse. "She'll be quiet, I promise," to which Madam Pomfrey, after glaring doubtfully at the pair, disappeared again behind the curtain.

The twins stood sheepishly near the curtain, where they had been told to wait. After they had carried the unconscious Harry to the hospital wing, Madam Pomfrey had been too distracted to tell them to scram, as usual.

"Well, we didn't really know how intense the effect would be," shrugged Fred. George bent his head. "But we are dreadfully sorry, you know."

Ron glanced at Hermione, who was still seething. "They don't apologize much, so they mean it, Hermione," he said quickly, putting a hand on her arm. The twins exchanged a knowing glance that went unnoticed.

"Fine," she grumbled, "but if Harry doesn't…"

Madam Pomfrey strode out from behind the curtain. Curtly, she said, "Mr. Potter just needs some rest for now; he'll be fine, but whatever that knocked him out like that--" and here she gave a severe glance at Fred and George "--shocked him badly. I advise you don't do it again, you two."

"Now how do you know it was us, and not some Slytherin looking for trouble?" complained George, but Madam Pomfrey replied, with the barest hint of a smile, "I'm not blind, Mr. Weasley. I know, and most of the teachers know, about this whole 'fanfiction' nonsense that has taken to the students. Make sure, if Mr. Potter remembers nothing, to tell him at another time, in a gentler manner, or better yet, tell him nothing at all."

"Will do, ma'am," said the twins, bowing at the same time. Ron looked in some bewilderment at Madam Pomfrey.

"Er... what are you talking abou--?" Before he had finished the sentence, however, Hermione was dragging him away. "Come on, Ron, you don't want to be the next admitted to the hospital wing."

The twins left as well. As they ascended the staircase, Fred remarked, "Maybe we've underestimated the staff, George."

"True, we have, but what can we do?" George replied, shrugging.

"Well, hopefully, they won't catch any of those stories written about them…"

George snickered. "I'd like to see Professor Snape's face when he reads 'Poisoned Honey.'"

"That story about him and ol' Umbridge? God, what a revolting pair… a fantasizing Slytherin wrote that, no doubt…" They chuckled, and headed for the dormitory. As they passed, they heard two third-year Gryffindor girls whisper to each other.

"Look, it's them; haven't I told you? Fred and George, such a perfect pair…"

"I've got this plot for them; it's so delicious…"

The twins glanced at each other.

"Never again?"



'Poisoned Honey' is not a real fanfic, according to what I know, at least. But according to my knowledge, there exists at least one story here on that has Umbridge and Snape as a pair... it's rather interesting. I've never really thought of that pairing before. --smiles--

So, what do you think? Criticize, please!