"Some emotions don't make a lot of noise. It's hard to hear pride. Caring is real faint – like a heartbeat. And pure love – why, some days it's so quiet, you don't even know it's there"
- Erma Bombeck
I watched as the city grew further and further away, to be replaced by green sceneries and polluted-free skies. I watched as a beautiful snowy white owl flew ahead of the train, before doubling back and flying forward once more. Hedwig was obviously enjoying herself.
It wouldn't be long before Hermione joined me and I would once again allow her to take lead in the compartment, I felt like laughing at the predictability of it all. Hermione would enter the compartment, she'd turn into 'head-girl' mode and completely take over the entire meeting, like I hopped she would. If I was unlucky, which I usually was, she'd ask me to contribute. I watched amused, like I knew I would be, as perfects started crowding the compartment, followed closely by the Head girl and the infamous Ron Weasley, who in turn grinned as Draco Malfoy came into view. He was obviously uncomfortable, as he sat down he placed his hands on his thighs, his face grimacing every once in a while as he twitched uncomfortably in his seat. Lastly entered Ginny Weasley, she stared at me and glared, to which I smirked back and winked.
Ron sat next to me and nudged my side with his elbow "I shot him a shrinking spell...you know, down there" he laughed quietly "unfortunately the git should be back to normal in an hour or so...I think so anyway"
I felt a bubble of laughter escape my mouth but just as quickly quietened down when I spotted Hermione frowning at me. Malfoy hadn't changed at all, not even with the death of his father. In fact Malfoy was darker than ever before, full of bitterness and hate and that made him dangerous, maybe we should have felt bad for him, but we didn't, mostly because he was still a git and Ron found no reason to not hex him. I whispered something back to Ron, mindful of Hermione, an idea for a prank that rivalled Fred and George Weasley, something I knew would make Malfoy even more uncomfortable.
Ron turned to fully face me, a playful grin on his face "Ha. Nice, how very Slythrin of you Harry"
I smirked and elbowed him in the gut.
Ron grunted and returned his attention to his girlfriend, who was pointing out the rules of curfew to the newer perfects. She turned her head towards me for a fraction of a second and continued when I shook my head slowly. I couldn't be arsed with doing my Head boy duties today, it was just one of those days. I found myself once more looking at everyone in the compartment, it was littered with a mixture of Gryffindor's, Ravenclaw's, Hufflepuff's and a good deal of Slytherin's too. As Hermione's lecture continued with seemingly no end, I found myself remembering the last few years I had spent at Hogwarts, knowing all too well that I had to make this one the best yet. I had been thought to fight dark wizard's from before I was even legally allowed to do magic (my wand had been immediately made untraceable by Uncle Sirius Black when it was first brought) it hadn't been easy at times. Sure I had spent a great deal of time with the Weasley's, Sirius had to work and it was difficult even when Uncle Mooney came to live with us, two single bachelors found it difficult looking after a child on their lonesome, so I regularly visited Molly Weasley's place and even though that meant me and Ron had been best friends since forever and I never felt as though I missed out on anything as a child, there were many times when I wished I could just be like every other kid, with no weight on my shoulders and without the fame the scar on my forehead brought. I hated my scar with a passion.
I glanced at every person in the small cramped compartment, taking in their healthier appearances and fear-less eyes. I did that, I thought, with some measure of pride. I had rid the world of the darkest wizard alive, and I was the reason people didn't live in constant fear for the lives of their family members. I was the reason the Wizarding world was at peace. No matter how much of a bad childhood Voldemort had made me suffer, no matter how much I will still suffering because of the nightmares and the memories it brought, I found some sort of peace in my heart knowing it was I who had cast the final spell that rid us of him, he had killed my parents and I had killed him. But of course I hadn't been alone, the Order had helped and my friends had helped as much as I let them.
I felt no remorse with taking his life, I felt cleaner actually, but while the Wizarding world was at peace, I still wasn't, it was just too many memories and too many nightmares and I still struggled with it at times. It would take some time to heal. Problem was I didn't exactly know how to heal, however silly that sounded. That was the thing with memories, the harder you tried to forget them, the more they burned in your mind.
My eyes stopped when they found Ginny's face and I felt myself smile. She was still mad at me! It had been ages and she still couldn't look at me without glaring first. So I had dated one of her closest friends and then sort of left them in a rather cruel way, but in my defence they knew what they were getting into when they 'dated' me. I made sure to tell them I was in it only for the joys and that I would most likely never want to talk to them again when I was finished and for some reason they still got upset afterwards.
It wasn't my fault!
She caught me staring and I continued to smile even as she glared at me. My smile grew wider when she finally relented and smiled back. Our eyes locked for a moment before she turned them away from me to pay attention to Hermione. Ginny and I were the best of friends. I felt drawn to her for some reason and it wasn't the fact I had saved her life before, it was something about her that made me want to be a better person even though I knew as soon as she was gone I'd turn around and be a bastard again. I still held the record for using the most broom closet with the most variety of girls. I was blessed in the looks department, I was rich and powerful and considering I had lost so much, why couldn't I go about doing something for me for a change. Something selfish for once.
But I suppose I am also a bastard. A very horny bastard mind you.
I could have sworn Ginny become more beautiful with each passing day. She had long auburn red hair, chocolate brown eyes that twinkled with mischievousness and a smile that made the boy's week in the knees. She had lost a lot of the baby fat in her face though some remained behind, giving her an innocent look. A look she took advantage of to get out of trouble. Ginny had a flowery kind of smell, mixed in with the strawberry shampoo she used, I knew that because the top of her head reached my nose and she was just the right height that all I had to do was shift my head a bit and I could place my chin on top of her head, or kiss her temple without much difficulty. I did it often, much to her annoyance because I knew it reminded her of just how short she was.
But she was most beautiful to me when it was just us, surrounded by our own little bubble as the rest of the world carried on spinning around us. In those moments, her face would turn soft, her eyes a mixture of affection, hunger and something else I could never name, all directed at me. She would smile then, when she caught me dazed and staring, and I knew she reserved that smile just for me. I knew we were both looking at each other the same way, because it was so difficult to hide any part of myself when I was with her but I always eventually managed to cripple the emotions that would sometimes threaten to unleash themselves.
I mean I didn't exactly understand how our relationship worked. We were passionate with each other, it was intense, it was comfortable and I could open myself up to her and not feel afraid of the consequences, so why on earth had I not dated her already? That was easy, One; because she thought that as far as dating went I was the biggest pig she'd ever seen, she had told me it often enough, and two; I had been told by Ron to never make a move on his sister, Ron trusted me with his life and with the love of his life but not with dating his sister. Smart guy, I thought, smiling sadly, I probably would fuck thing's up anyway.
Before long the meeting was over. I cringed when I found Hermione's disapproving glare being sent my way, I looked around hoping she wasn't staring at me, but finding no one I smiled back, waving a white flag with a hastily conjured tissue. She rolled her eyes, a smile on her face before she sat herself in Ron's lap. I moved to sit with Ginny on the other side, it wouldn't be long before Ron started feeling Hermione up, and remembering the time he had "accidentally" brushed my thigh in the most sexual way imaginable, well, no one could blame me for not sitting next to them.
Ginny looked at me, concern echoing in her chocolate brown eyes "You alright Harry?" she whispered, when I didn't respond, she took my hand in hers and squeezed gently "Nightmare's?"
I nodded slowly; aware Hermione was watching us and quickly stared out of the window, comforted by the fact Ginny kept my hand squarely in hers.
Suddenly I found nature getting the better of me and I excused myself. Walking passed the different compartments, full of laughing students each happy to be alive, brought a smile to my face as I continued down towards the toilets. The smile slipped from my face as I found myself being stopped by people wanting to say 'hello' or 'thank you', I was beginning to feel as though I was in a line to talk to the whole of England, everyone seemed to want a piece of me and more than once I had to hide when I saw an ex-girlfriend, who most likely wanted to either hook up again or tear me to shreds. Considering the last one I saw was Ginny's friend it was probably a mixture of the two. We would make out in the corner; she would be upset when I didn't spare her a second glance the next day and Ginny would be the one tearing me apart.
Even I'm not stupid enough to provoke Ginny Weasley on purpose. No one ever comes out unscratched.
I finished my business and washed my hands, drying it on the towels provided, and quickly headed back to the compartment. I smiled when I noticed that Neville and Luna had joined us. I sat down and found myself feeling unusually happy, there was no Dark Lord to come and kill me, no worrying that my family could be attacked overnight and for once there was an optimistic feeling about the unknown. I stared at Ginny's laughing face. Something told me this year would be very different to all the others.
If I had known what was to happen, maybe it would have turned out different. One minute you're walking through life and all is beautiful and the next it's just you alone with no one but your daemons, your scars and your regrets. I just didn't know how hard the journey would be before I found happiness.
I just didn't know.
We reached Hogwarts in good time and Dumbledore made his usual speeches and gave the usual warnings and Ron and myself found it hard to keep a straight face when Dumbledore mentioned that the Forbidden forest was exactly that, Forbidden, it was when he gave a pointed look in our direction that I found myself trying to look innocent. Hermione hadn't been too keen on going on that particular adventure last year, so it had been just Ron and I. But that was another story.
I spotted Ginny a bit further ahead, talking in frantic hushed tones with her boyfriend Dean; she seemed to be frowning and shaking her head furiously. Don't know what she sees in him, he can barely pick a decent football team. I watched as his face turned sheepish before he whispered something to her, and shrugged. Ginny's face immediately turned offended and she recoiled back as though he had slapped her.
I kept my eyes on her as she tried to discreetly get up and move to sit away from him, but my head began to pound with need for sleep so it didn't surprise me when Dumbledore dismissed everyone to sleep before I had even fully grasped the concept that we had all eaten and it was already time to go. Time seemed to be flying past me today. I found myself barely making it to the common room before I laid my head on the squishy arm chair. I would go to bed soon, Hermione was nagging me enough too, but first I wanted to see Ginny. She had disappeared quickly but he had come in a few minutes ago, looking slightly fearfully at me and Ron. Ginny hadn't come back yet and more than being just insanely curious, I was mainly worried.
Ron yawned, rubbing his stomach, a satisfied look on his face "Harry I'm going up, you coming?" he asked, already half way towards the stairs, Hermione had also gotten up and was making her way to her Head girl room.
I lifted my tired body and stretched out on the bigger sofa "No, I'll wait for Ginny"
He looked at me funny for a bit but chose not to comment. He had never understood my relationship with his sister, I wasn't surprised. Mostly I didn't understand it either.
"Whatever, night Harry" he said over his shoulder before hugging Hermione and then disappearing up the stairs. Hermione gave me one fleeting knowing look before waving and heading up a different set of stairs, a faint 'Goodnight' echoed down towards me.
My head turned at the sound of the portrait opening and my eyes widened when Ginny came in, an angry blazing look on her face. I stood up wearily, my stance defensive. You would have thought my first thoughts would have been filled with concern, but Ginny looked like some kind of physical representation of what I thought 'Sex' would look like and most of the time, I just spent my time trying not to drool. Her hair looked like wild fire upon her head, her eyes would shine with a fierceness that was the complete opposite of who I knew her to be deep inside, her hands would fly to her waist and my eyes would automatically follow the curves of her body and the raise of her chest as she shot daggers at everyone in the world. There was nothing wrong with thinking your best mate was gorgeous. I shook my head to rid myself of those thoughts. Great, just great, someone had poked the sexy red dragon and now I was expected to calm her down, this was going to hurt. I grimaced as she stormed past me up towards the girl's dormitory.
"Ginny. Ginny! Whoa! Wait up Gin, what's wrong?" I asked, grapping her wrist gently as she tried to escape me
She whirled around and faced me, glaring at me like I had just said the wrong thing "What is it with you men huh? Is it because you carry a penis, does that make you allowed to treat woman like shit?"
I was confused, was I suppose to answer her? I found myself becoming wide awake; I had to stay alert when she worked up a storm. I found myself backing half a step as she took a step forward towards me.
"Err...?" I began, about to shrug, a hand automatically coming to run itself though my hair in nervous.
"No it doesn't! It bloody well doesn't!" she screamed, her whole manner radiating power, I was pretty sure if she was in her animagus form she would be growling at me right now. Maybe I had said the wrong thing? Or...Maybe it was her time of the month? I still have scars the last time she got this mad...
Then suddenly her eyes became sad and I became more confused "I just, is it me? I thought...maybe...I was good...but...obviously not...but I thought..." she looked at me, pleading me to understand.
How the bloody hell could I understand what she was on about? I was her best friend, not a mind reader; I was her guy best friend not Hermione. I knew what to do with a girl when she was naked, that was very simple, that came naturally. But something so delicate and complicated like female emotions, well that was way out of my league. In many ways I was still very ignorant.
I stepped forward cautiously, letting her know by the look on my face that I didn't have a clue what on earth she was on about. Gently still, I let my arms wrap themselves around her shoulders, before pulling her into a tight hug, letting her bury her face in my neck. We stayed that way for a long while, till her breathing evened out and she no longer clutched at my shirt so tightly in her fist. I guided her onto the sofa and sat her down in between my legs as my arms came around her waist and she rested her head in the crook of my neck. I felt a small smile slip onto her face at the familiarity of our embrace and I waited. I glanced at the clock, 1:30. I tried to fight back the yawn that tried to escape, I should be asleep and I felt every part of my body tell me I needed it. But I couldn't, Ginny had always been there for me, whether I wanted her to or not, whether I was brave enough to ask for it or not, she had always been there, in many ways she had saved my life more than I had hers. I owed her everything.
She suddenly pulled back and looked up at me thoughtfully, her eyes lighting up and a fierce, determined look spared across her face. It was the same look she had when she got one of her ideas. Now I was really worried, I was starting to expect anything from her, was she going to ask me to duel her? I knew she asked when she got particularly angry. Maybe she would ask me to go in the forest with our animagus forms? But I was so tired...
"You've been with a lot of girls, right Harry?" she asked, nonchalant
"Umm...some, not a lot" I squeaked out. She raised an eyebrow and I coughed, my face heating up a little "fine, yes a lot"
She smirked "right, so basically Potter, you're a bit of a know-it all when it comes to this"
"This?" I asked, confused
"Yes, you're easy" she told me, a smile on her face
"Hey! I'm not easy" I told her, indignant, my hands folding across my chest. She laughed at me, running her hand through my hair as I bit back an appreciative moan. My eyes were about to close at the sensation of her running her hands playfully through my hair when she yanked them away and I jerked awake once more. Her eyes had lit up as if a firework had been set up inside her mind.
"Oh! I was wondering –" she looked at my face "Harry stop pouting and I was joking about you being easy" I smiled at her and she returned it nervously "I want you to teach me to be better..." she coughed quickly, blushing like crazy, but she jutted her chin out, holding her head high "I want you to teach me to kiss better, to touch a person better, I want you to teach me to be more comfortable...sexually" she finished, blushing even more so that her face was becoming more tomato red by the minute.
I felt my mouth drop open, my blood rush from my head as a million thoughts of Ginevra Weasley naked flashed through my mind...she was trying to kill me.
I had expected she wanted something, but I hadn't expected this
She saw my face and quickly explained "look Harry, don't get me wrong, I still think you're a pig, I would still rather date Malfoy than you, no offense, it's just Dean's the third guy who...dumped me" she winched slightly "because I don't 'put out'...or not in the 'right' way, please Harry, I wouldn't ask if I didn't need it...please"
My face scrunched up in my uncertainty, I knew these things never went as smoothly as people's original plans hopped them to be and I would rather go up against another dragon than risk my friendship with her. I opened my mouth to tell her no, that I just didn't want to risk it when, sensing my hesitation, she pulled herself up, her hands in on my shoulders and placed a soft kiss on my forehead where my scar lay underneath.
"Please" she breathed into my skin.
And just like that I was powerless to say no. I was doing this for her anyway, because her happiness was worth plenty of risks. Besides, I couldn't deny the selfish part of me, that had begun to become more awake and voicing of its opinion's who wanted this so badly. Best friend or not, I was only human and Ginny Weasley was hot.
I took a deep breath "O.K"
"O.k.?" she repeated, as if she needed to be sure she had heard right
"O.k." I repeated back "but what about-"
"No strings" she interrupted, a huge smile on her face, her eyes shining in relief "We won't let this get awkward, it's just one friend helping another. Simple as"
But something told me it wouldn't be that simple. I think she knew it too because there was a hint of uncertainty in her eyes. I found myself staring unabashedly at her, she really was beautiful. She always thought her eyes were a boring brown, but I found them filed with warmth, filled with passion and love for everything she did, and my God, I couldn't deny that I had wanted to run my hands through her hair a million times over the years. She was gorgeous and way too good for me.
"O.K I'll do this but we won't tell anyone O.K. Gin? I don't particularly feel like telling Ron this"
She nodded in understanding, obviously not in a rush to tell Ron either.
"O.K..." I said once more, I didn't seem to be able to say anything other than that, my blood was creeping its way down south and I shifted awkwardly, trying to create some space between us. "We'll meet up somewhere tomorrow after lessons, I'll find somewhere we can err...'study' and we'll sort everything out then"
She smiled in relief and I felt the beginning of awkwardness come between us. Letting out a shaky breath I pulled her into another hug, wanting her to know I was O.k. with this and that we would work this out. I wanted her to be happy, even if that meant I would have to suffer what was likely to be a very painful year. I could already see the many, many cold showers ahead, the many wishful looks of longing I would throw at her. I breathed her in, smelling the strawberries smell of her hair. I found myself hopeful that maybe I could get her to change her mind about me; maybe she would finally see how serious and committed I could be, to her at least.
She didn't trust me with her heart, not in that way. So I guess we floated between friendship and the potential to be more, skirted back and forth between her being brave enough to give me a chance and me being strong enough to be different. I wanted to change, I needed too because this back and forth was starting to drag me down, it was starting to become harder to breathe when she got a boyfriend and I absolutely had egging Ron to join me in sending hexes to guys who so much as looked at her. I had to change, I wanted too because she was mine. I sighed, pulling her tighter to me, not missing the fact we fit perfectly together, or the soft sound of pleasure she let out when I wrapped my hands around her waist. I wanted her to be mine, the same way I had been hers from the moment we met. Someone was punishing me for my sins, I was sure of it.
I looked at the only person in the world I ever felt at home with, as she giggled at something she said and I sent a silent prayer to my parents, wherever they were in case they were watching over me.
Please don't let me screw this up. Please.
I dont know if anyone whose already read all of this is re-reading but i don't know, for some reason you guys like this story so i've come back and figured i should put a couple more touches and actually write more of the things i wanted but story will mostly the same =D
Oh and honestly, grammer is my weakness, i can do A grades for English and all that crap but grammer is out to kill me. Enjoy, il be updating the rest soon =D