Damn, alien device. I've checked it 3 times now and I'm almost certain it's an alien hairdryer, one for aliens with VERY big hair.

Jack really has the patience of a child, for someone who lived as long as he has, it's quite remarkable. Maybe another twenty years will teach him not to stress over some device that doesn't tick.

I'm the technological genius here as far as I can tell, and I can tell, devices that don't tick, don't tend to go boom. I'm sure it's an intergalactic agreement, if you want to blow up something, include the ticking sound.

But no, Jack thinks it best to check it over and over again. Oh, he asked nicely of course, why wouldn't he, he knows that just by flashing his smile, I'll cave in.

He even has a distinct way of pronouncing my name when he needs me to do something he knows I will object to. It's Toshh not Tosh or Toshiko, no no no, it's Tosh with a long lingering sh as if he want to hypnotize me.

And I can't refuse him a single thing, can I. Not just because he saved my life all these years ago, but because he's Jack. He's all consuming, his energy could burn up a sun, he's glorious and larger than life. Mind you, I never fancied him… well, not really… well, maybe a bit, but who wouldn't?

He told me he was a con-man before Torchwood and I can imagine him being a splendid one. He knows people, he knows what to say, how to make someone feel special enough to believe anything that comes out of that mouth of his. He's not a con-man anymore, but he still uses all the tricks in the book.

Now he's a good man who faces hard decisions every day. He's compassionate and hard. He pushes us beyond our limits and forgives us for the most hideous acts time and time again. He's there when things go terribly wrong. He was there after Mary, after Tommy. And he makes me feel special. He makes me feel beautiful and strong.

My five years of service to Torchwood are almost over. I know I can leave after that, they'd Retcon me and I'd forget all about the years of danger and grief, but what then. What is there besides this place.

The family I had to leave behind, has been replaced by another. By Owen, the man I love, the man who is nicer dead than alive. Gwen with her compassionate heart, she's the one that keeps us fighting for the right reasons. Ianto, who is like a brother. The sweetest person, strong but so damaged. And Jack, my Jack, my Saviour.

No need to ponder about all this, I know I'll stay, once you've known Jack you're unable to do without him. Once you've worked for Torchwood you know you can't do anything else, even if it means you'll die young. Some things are worth dying for.

Despite the fact that he's the centre of my universe, I'm bringing over my report, and if he asks me to go over my findings again, I'll kill him, It's not as if he'll stay dead ...


Bloody Jack. Bloody, bloody Jack. I could be out now, NOT pulling girls and NOT drinking… God, my death sucks.

"I was hoping for a miracle."

What's that for a lousy excuse. I was dead you wanker. So OK, now that I'm back it's not like I want to die again. I'm not totally ungrateful, but you'd think he'd think twice before doing things...impulsive!

I can't eat, Jack .. maybe it would be considerate not to order take away at any given time. Even if I can't smell the blasted food, it doesn't mean the memory of it doesn't remind me of what I'm missing out on.

And no!! It's not a good idea to celebrate my birthday with alcoholic beverages you tosser. I can't drink! And what's the bloody point of celebrating my birthday anyway as I died two months ago... I mean, come on!

Also, it's not fun to see your colleagues indulge in binge drinking and being the only sober witness to your completely inappropriate behaviour. Yeah, yeah, you thought I hadn't noticed did you? Captain I'lltaketheteaboywhereverIcan... You forgot to pull down the blinds you fuck!

See I can't have sex and you shag your boyfriend behind a glass panel on my birthday! You inconsiderate bastard. And no! I'm not jealous… well not really, well maybe... let's not go there... I never said no to some male/male sex but it never happened without a female involved. Although, Tea boy has a great ass when squashed against a glass panel... Fuck I won't go there!

Don't know what I'm still doing here anyway. I'm dead and not dead, I can't take part in the dangerous stuff because I can't heal. And you know what.. I wouldn't want to be anywhere else.

How sick is that .. Because you know Captain fucking Harkness. You saved my life when you took me into this bizarre world of yours. You gave me purpose and even after I killed you, you forgave me. No matter how bad I behaved, you always seemed to like me. Even when I didn't particularly like myself.

A man has to admit defeat… but I still hate you sometimes, don't get me wrong. Like right now. Why don't you do the dissecting yourself for ones. You seem to know better than any of us where all the funny parts go.


What am I still doing here... right, that bloody report. So what, another Weevil hunt. I could just copy and paste the previous one and edit the date.

Owen left without finishing his dissection, I could do the same, he looked really pissed by the way… death suites him, but he still got that temper.

Tosh, poor love, she just finished the 'hairdryer business', she's so much more professional than anyone around here, except for Ianto, but he's just a scary perfectionist.

Oh God, Jack's ogling Ianto again. That man is unbelievable. If I were Ianto I'd feel stalked... He's closing the blinds…! I give it five minutes before Ianto goes up there. They are so predictable... I think they have their own code...

And no, I'm not jealous… well not really… well maybe... Oh Gwen, don't even go there. You've got Rhys. He's so much more than Jack... or almost more... Damn Jack! I never thought I'd meet someone like you, sometimes I wonder... If I'd met Rhys now with all that goes on in my life... I don't think I'd look at him twice.

But that's not fair is it? Rhys is strong and understanding and he loves me, he's not afraid to tell me, to show me. You Jack... you're just a big flirt...you can't be serious about anything. Although, you and Ianto seem quite serious. I will never understand just how this happened, you two. Damn Jack, you nearly killed the guy. He betrayed you. He called you a monster.

That's you though, no matter how many times we hurt you, kill you, threaten you, you're always there to forgive us. To take us back, no questions asked.

You put us in danger, but you always come and save the day. You called yourself a dashing hero and it's the dashing that's the problem you see, and maybe the hero bit.

God Jack, how can anyone look at your smile and not melt into a big pile of goo.

I'm happy for Ianto and you, he's so much happier than before, and you have someone to confide in. I just wish you'd confide in me... No, I must stop thinking like that.

I'm just glad I met you, my life has been turned upside down, but I wouldn't change it for the world. We save the planet, we protect people and we have a team that will stick together through anything. We put our lives in your hands every day and you have never let us down.

Damn, there goes Ianto.

"Bye Ianto, here's that report of yours. I'm going home to Rhys now."
"Thanks Gwen. Last check to see if Jack needs anything and then I'm off too."

Shit, he really think we still don't know! Really! He must have had a major blackout after Owen's birthday party, I think Owen still has the CCTV footage, perv.

Maybe it's better this way. I don't know if I could deal with them kissing and groping out in the open yet. Maybe after my marriage with Rhys everything will be easier.


He's looking at me, I can feel his eyes on the back of my neck... come on, we had sex two hours ago in the archives. How many goes does that man need. Not that I'm complaining it's just that I need to concentrate, do my job in an orderly and accurate fashion, and Jack ogling me while Gwen is still in the office is not good for my concentration.

I still can't believe this, it's been more than a year since we first kissed and I still can't believe this... I'm having sex with my boss... I'm having sex with my immortal boss... I'm having sex with my immortal boss from the 51st century... oh and he's a man... I'm having sex with my male fifty-first century ex-time agent, ex-conman, immortal, time travelling, morally challenged, omni-sexual boss. It's quite a mouthful, no pun intended.. Although, he is quite a mouthful.

Damn I'm starting to think like him.. Here I am. Sleeping with the man who killed Lisa, who tore my world apart then put all the pieces back together one by one. Oh, and he's a man, already been there?

But he's more than that, he's Jack, with his bloody 51st century pheromones and his Colgate smile. His dirty grin and the way he projects unacceptable sexual waves like a big antenna. Spend enough time with Jack and you'd think fucking a squid alien is the most normal thing in the world.

He's still looking at me ... I can still feel it.

I used to have sex with the lights out, now suddenly there are hockey sticks, stopwatches and those nasty alien strappy things… All these Jack things aside this is my job and I have to say I do it well.

Not only the coffee and the filing, but the hunting and shooting and not getting myself knocked unconscious too often.

Torchwood... this job never stops screwing with your life. Fighting the scum of the universe, almost dying every other day.

When you face death as often as we do you don't really question where your comfort comes from. You're just glad it's there. You're happy to feel something else than fear or grief or disgust at what you have to face. You embrace every ounce of warmth that comes your way, that's how it started, the need to cancel out the grief, the need for comfort, the need to feel alive in case you'd die the next day.

Now it's much more. Now I fight that little bit harder everyday to make it back alive, because there is not only grief and pain and anger anymore. There's Jack and the team. There's a home to go to. There's buckets of comfort and warmth. But mostly... there's Jack.

He stopped looking at me, great... I can turn around now. Oh fuck, he's closed the blinds... that gives me five minutes. Gwen's still there but ready to go... Ok Ianto, deep breath... look innocent and not eager ... There you go…

"Bye Ianto, here's that report of yours. I'm going home to Rhys now."
"Thanks Gwen. Last check to see if Jack needs anything and then I'm off too."

She's gone, she didn't notice a thing, really, I think the team may never find out. Good, I really couldn't deal with Gwen's jealousy, or Owens'.


Look at them, my team. Ok, I know Tosh and Owen hate me right now, but that's nothing a smile can't fix. It's pretty nifty being this dashing.

My sweet Tosh, I know it's not ticking and I know it's a hairdryer but if a boss can't have some fun sometimes, what good is it to be leader of the pack?

She's perfect, my Tosh, I never had any regret getting her out of UNIT. Not one moment. Not even after Mary. She's so sweet and she has a mind that would do wonders in the thirty-second century, damn she's smart.

Stupid Owen doesn't notice of course, but I do. I never really wanted them to get together, the tosser would have screwed her over, but now he's dead I kind of feel sorry for him, maybe he deserves a break. I also feel slightly responsible for him being alive again.

Hey, I can claim responsibility for my actions. I can! I don't regret bringing him back. I never will. Owen is a brilliant medic and deep down he's a really good person. Also, I love the way he gets Ianto all worked up, gives me a good excuse to make Ianto relax afterwards ... Like the time Owen said Tintin was weird, wow rage and sex, what a wonderful mix...

Damn Ianto look at his butt... oh God, he's bending over... I'm sure he does it on purpose... he must know I'm watching, he always knows.

It's not just sex anymore, it used to be a bit of comforting but not anymore and I don't know how it's suppose to go. I haven't done the dating thing for a while now. I don't do domestic! Yet last week I ended up helping him out with the dishes.. after I cooked him a meal... right after we went shopping for new curtains for his bedroom.

And I enjoyed it, we ended up NOT having sex and just talking about the colour scheme we'd like for his living room. I caught myself saying 'our living room' twice. I know Ianto noticed, but bless him, he didn't say a thing...

Sometimes I think I'm getting old. I can't be getting sentimental, can I?

Oh, who am I fooling, I love him like there's no tomorrow. And I have to put him in the line of fire almost everyday. I must be ready to lose him, or any one of my team, every time that blasted alarm rings.

I think the worse thing with losing people you care about is the knowledge that in the end the pain will fade and that your life will go on. My life will go on forever and ever and I'll forget, and the pain will subside, and it makes me angry because it shouldn't. I should be able to remember and feel the exact amount pain for everyone I've lost.

See sometimes I get gloomy, this immortality gig is all very sci-fi etc. but at the end of the day it's just solitude in a shiny wrapper.

I've spend so many years trying not to get close to people that I have lost the hang of it, it scares me, I didn't want this anymore. Not until teaboy turned up, all clean and proper and efficient and looking good in a suit.

Oh God he's coming over, ok ... look casual.

Yep there he is...