DISCLAIMER: Capcom's. Thanks for letting me play.
NOTES: Written for the Phoenix Wright Kink Meme. My mom asked me how she should do something, and thanks to this prompt I replied, "Do it in a Samurai." She stared at me for a long time, and I felt kind of awkward but was totally laughing on the inside. Then I felt like I kind of owed it to the anon to do this, even though I like Nick/Maya platonic liek woah.
PROMPT: Anons, my friend and I were having a conversation about Maya's fangirling over Steel Samurai, and I jokingly said, "So, hypothetically, if Nick ever wanted to ask Maya out, he should do it in a Steel Samurai costume?"
She said "Yeah..."
"Do it in a Samurai."
I need this now, anon. I neeeeeed it.

————

Phoenix waddled into Wright & Co. Law Offices, bogged down by the heavy costume he rented just for this occasion. Somehow he managed to talk the costume store's owner into letting him borrow the deluxe Steel Samurai costume—Samurai Spear and all—for just one hour after Phoenix bartered free legal counsel for it. He didn't exactly have much money to spare, nowadays, what with Maya and oftentimes Pearl to feed. The purse strings were already tight before the Feys (rather, Maya's bottomless stomach), but now they were drawn so taut Phoenix thought they were going to snap.

Besides, giving out free representation seemed to be all he was doing lately. What's one more promise? And besides, Phoenix reasoned that the nice old man from the store wouldn't really need his help anyway.

He hoped.

Phoenix sweat profusely inside the thick layer of rubber muscles and hakama, and the facemask didn't help, either. He had no idea how Will Powers was able to handle the role for so long; Phoenix was just about ready to die.

Then he remembered that Powers' costume hadn't been padded as much as the cheap knockoff Phoenix wore, considering Will was built like a powerhouse. That, and he wore the real thing, considering he had been the Steel Samurai and all.

Well, whatever. Beggars can't be choosers.

Phoenix stopped at the front desk, leaning heavily next to the phone in an attempt to catch his breath. The costume was a killer and he'd just walked three blocks in it. Unfortunately hakama weren't designed for use while riding bicycles, unless the wearer was willing to get the hem caught in their bike chain and ultimately be pantsed in the process. (He was thankful the owner gave him that warning; Phoenix was fully prepared to ride his bike back without even thinking about the consequences.

(Although Phoenix he could have done without the mob of children he encountered on his gruesome walk.)

He was tired. Damn tired. But he had a mission.

And that was… asking Maya Fey out on a date that didn't involve Pearl (bless her little heart), murder cases, or burgers. He decided they both needed a quiet evening out, and what better way to get Maya to agree than by him cosplaying the Steel Samurai?

…well, Phoenix knew he could've just come straight out and asked, but that wouldn't score him any points for creativity.

Phoenix heard the tail end of The Pink Princess' closing theme blaring from the TV in the back room as he caught his breath. He took the commercial break to catch his breath, too.

Then he heard the Nickel Samurai's opening theme, with Maya, naturally, singing along the same way she did every episode.

And, just like every episode, Phoenix knew better than to interrupt Maya's viewing pleasure of the new series. Besides, he didn't like it, just like he didn't really like The Pink Princess or The Steel Samurai; he just couldn't get into all that "Neo Olde" stuff.

Plus, after the Dee Vasquez incident and actually meeting the lech behind the kids' shows, Phoenix was apprehensive to watch anything produced by Global Studios.

Phoenix plodded over to the couch in the front office to wait. And sweat.

And sweat some more.

Sweating more than waiting, actually.

Silently Phoenix rehearsed his lines—while sweating—until he heard the gong signaling the commercial break.

Phoenix steeled himself (no pun intended) and dragged himself into the back room.

"Nick, is that—whoa!"

Maya's eyes went wide as she jumped up from the couch and stared. Phoenix thought he saw some very thinly veiled scrutiny going on. Honestly it was making him a little nervous, but since he just made his grand entrance, he had to go on with the show.

"Miss Maya Fey!" he said in his most impressive voice, "I, the Steel Samurai—" Phoenix spun the Samurai Spear, made from a light yet durable plastic, in front of him before striking the Steel Samurai's signature pose, "—have traveled far from Neo Olde Tokyo with a message, just for you!"

Maya clapped her hands. "Really!? What sort of message?"

Confidence building, Phoenix replied, "A message of invitation!"

"From who?"

"My good friend, Mr. Phoenix Wright!"

Maya's face turned thoughtful. "Wait, wait. An invitation from Nick?"

"Yes! He—"

"So why did you come from Neo Olde Tokyo with a message from Nick?"

Phoenix sweat, this time out of uncertainty. For the most part. "B-because, my voice could not reach you from Neo Fujiyama!"

"No, I mean how did you get a message from Nick if you were in Neo Olde Tokyo and Nick was here?"

"It is… for I am the Steel Samurai…?"

Maya tilted her head, considering the answer. "Well, yeah, but I'm not too satisfied with that. It doesn't make any sense. I mean, you came from the future…" She sighed. "Nevermind. What does Nick want?"

"Mr. Phoenix Wright would like to invite you on a date! To anyplace you would like, Miss Maya Fey, so long as it's not another greasy burger joint!"

"Don't you insult my burgers!!"

"N-no, I… I mean, burgers are delicious, but Mr. Phoenix Wright is thinking of something more appropriate, with a date-like setting! Like, maybe someplace quiet with real wait staff, where you two don't have to order at the counter and sit at dirty tables covered in salt grains and ketchup smeared everywhere."

"Oh, please, Nick can't afford something like that." Maya sulked, presumably because Phoenix was dealing low blows, but he hated having to get his suit dry-cleaned every time the two of them went to get fast food and he ended up leaning in ketchup left by inconsiderate customers before them.

"He can too! He told me he'd been saving up."

Maya looked at him cautiously. "Would I have to leave the tip?"

"Of course not, Miss Maya Fey!"

Maya went silent for a moment, mulling it over. Phoenix wondered exactly what it was she had to contemplate; all she had to do was give him a simple yes or no answer, then he could drop the charade and return the stupid costume that was threatening to sweat him to death.

"I'm sorry," Maya said at last. "Tell Nick I can't."

That was unexpected. "Why not?"

"Because…" Maya shook her head with a sigh. "Let me level with you. You're doing it wrong."

"Doing… what wrong?"

"Everything!" Maya burst out, "Your cosplay needs so much work, Nick! The costume's all saggy in places, the hem of the hakama's all dirty, your Steel Samurai voice isn't low enough at all, you still didn't answer how the Steel Samurai got your message in the first place, and don't get me started on how OOC your speech is—"

"…oh oh see?"

"I'm sorry, Nick," the girl repeated, "I can't accept your invitation when you're butchering the essence—no, butchering the soul of the Steel Samurai."

"Um…"

"Tell you what," Maya said, putting her hands on Phoenix's padded shoulders (that he noticed were a little saggy, now that Maya mentioned it), "take off the costume and sit down. We're gonna have a Steel Samurai marathon 'til you can get it right. Okay? Then you can try again."

"Uh, no, that's… okay. I'll just accept my defeat." He really didn't want to sit through seasons of the Steel Samurai, especially if it was just to ask Maya on a date. "Plus I kinda can't take off the costume right now."

Maya raised an eyebrow. "Is your zipper stuck?"

"My clothes are back at the shop."

"Why'd you leave your clothes at the costume shop!?"

Phoenix laughed humorlessly. "The owner's keeping everything as collateral until I bring the suit back…"

"So you're naked in there," Maya asked, shocked. "You're… you're desecrating the costume! Not just the character, but the costume…! What would WP think!?"

"At this point I don't really know or care."

"Nick!"

"Okay, fine." Phoenix sighed as he turned, preparing himself for the torturous walk back to the costume shop. Just why did he agree to leaving his clothes as collateral, anyway? "Just forget I asked."

"Maybe some other time…?"

"You don't have to cheer me up, May—"

"Oh, the show's back on!"

Maya flopped back on the couch, ignoring Phoenix as he trudged away. He had to make sure to get the costume back to the store before the hour was up, after all.

--

Two days later, Phoenix got a phone call from the daughter of the costume shop's owner. Apparently her father had been arrested under suspicion of murdering one of his employees in the alleyway behind the store. The woman told him the police supposedly had decisive evidence against him, and Phoenix's promise to help was needed as soon as possible.

Reluctantly Phoenix agreed, hung up the phone, sighed heavily and thumped his head repeatedly against the front desk.

Would anything ever go right in his life?

————

A/N: Apologies to the Phoenix/Maya fans who wanted this to go another route.