Hello, I haven't posted anything on my account in a while but this stroy was brewing. After doing a very indepth study on Carlisle I came up with this. For anyone that thought that Carlisle didn't seem all there when Edward returned from Volturi. Here's your explanation. I hope they are cannon enough!
Discalimer: I do not own anything in twilight. Carlisle's a sweetheart but currently belongs to Esme!
Three days. Three entire days.
That's exactly what he was – why he was sitting in a tree two miles away from his home.
What used to be his home, He amended bitterly.
He sighed and his face twisted in pain as he adjusted his weight on the creaking branch. Mental weariness is what he silently diagnosed himself with. Three days of straining to hear Carlisle and Esme's thoughts.
He laid his back against the tree and brought his knees to his chin. His heart ached to be with them but-
He clenched his fists bringing them tightly around his knees. He silently listened to Esme humming, sitting so still you would've though he was one of the leaves.
He wished to be a leaf. He wished he could drop away from the branches that supported him and gave him life.
To float away
To shrivel up and die
He leaned his head forward as he heard Carlisle's weary thoughts. Someone has died today – decades, maybe centuries of being a doctor and Carlisle was still affected by death.
Each death stood for someone better suited for Carlisle.
"Should've saved them instead of me."He whispered morosely.
It had been nearly two weeks since he realized the error of his ways. His coal black eyes were proof of his desperation. The fiery burn that engulfed his throat was his way of punishing himself.
He inclined his ear as Esme fretted over Carlisle, trying to comfort him. He missed her comforting and mothering gestures. They always made him feel like a boy – safe and complete. He desired it more than quenching his burning throat.
He turned his head sharply and sneered .
No! He did not deserve that.
He did not deserve anything he desired. His gluttony for his selfish desires was unforgivable. He deserved nothing but to rot in hell.
He listened to Carlisle and Esme's thoughts synchronize on the subject of their deep devotion to each other.
He could stay here forever
The coward in him rationalized.
He clenched his fists even tighter – wishing he could draw blood.
He needed to face his judgment. If they did not want him, He would find a way to die. He had little doubt that they would turn him away. Yet, there was still hope in him. To see them one more time was enough, Even if they hated him.
He hopped off the tree with a soft thud and padded across the forest to meet with them.
Then he stopped. His body jolted forward and his foot barely grazing the invisible line that separated the forest from the backyard. He crouched down and watched Carlisle kiss Esme gently on the forehead. She went up the stairs thinking about a painting she had to finish – Inspired by her love for Carlisle.
Carlisle stepped outside wondering about the new flowers that had bloomed in Esme's garden. Esme had been raving about them all that evening.
Edward stared with deep longing but he dared to not move. He needed the perfect moment to present himself. That's what he wanted himself to believe. Truthfully, he just wanted to watch Carlisle a little longer with the man's gentle smile playing on his lips.
The smile was just a season. It progressed to a frown after a few moments as Carlisle's mind progressed to thoughts with a darker edge. This was a constant when someone died in the hospital. Both life and death was a mystery to every vampire, but to Carlisle it was a burden. The thoughts that permeated guilt, love, and compassion of those he turned. He thought of Esme, and the pain she went through. His thoughts made a swift turn to his love for her. Some of the stuff wasn't what Edward wanted to see.
Edward couldn't help but make a face – even with the perpetual rain cloud hovering over him.
Carlisle sighed, angrily rubbing his face. "Edward…" Carlisle thought – a thought tinged with sorrow.
It was the first time Carlisle had thought of Edward while he was listening in these three days. He felt as if his dead heart had beaten. The nervous energy made him clenched his hand and shut his eyes tightly, willing himself to go back in time. He could not stand to face the judgment.
The coward in him prevailed.
He would just listen – forever; silently following them.
As he made to turn, a strangled noise came from his throat. Carlisle sharply turned his head with narrowed eyes. They widened as quickly as they narrowed when they met Edward's rigid black irises.
Edward's face crumpled and he pivoted his body breaking off into a sprint. Carlisle was not one to stand still. Even though Edward silently wished it. He could feel the earth rumble behind him as Carlisle ran to catch up to him.
They may have ran a couple miles before the more seasoned vampire's head collided with Edward's body, tackling him roughly to the ground. Carlisle was on top of him pinning both Edward's arms to the ground. Edward struggled violently.
"Let me go!" He roared. He knew it was useless to struggle but his desperation was clouding his mind.
"No! " Carlisle growled determined to talk to his surrogate son.
"Please." He pleaded making his body slack. He knew there was not much else he could do.
Carlisle seemed to be searching Edward's eyes while maintaining his vice-like grip. The intense stare-down only lasted a moment as Edward turned his head away in shame.
"If you run, I'll just catch you again." The hidden warning dangled in air like a noose.
Edward felt the pressure of Carlisle's body leave as he removed himself from on top of him. One of Carlisle's hands remained on Edward's arm as he pulled him swiftly off the ground- like a father would do to a fallen toddler. Edward half-expected him to wipe the dirt off his pants.
Even though he stood Carlisle's hand still gripped him like a shackle. Edward stared at it for a long moment.
"I'm not going anywhere, Carlisle." He whispered. His tone was resigned, waiting for his equivalent of a lethal injection. Carlisle quickly let go looking mildly embarrassed.
Carlisle seemed to be thinking very carefully – his face was taut with concern. He straightened his posture and gave Edward a beseeching stare.
"I can't read your mind, Edward."
Edward stole a glance at Carlisle, before quickly looking down.
"I'm," Edward paused taking a deep breath keeping his anguish at bay, "I'm sorry." He finished brokenly.
He heard a few quick steps and felt Carlisle directly in front of him. Edward stepped back in surprise of the compassionate thoughts that seemed to want to burst out. He wanted to engulf himself in them. He was thirsty for them like a person anticipating the crash of an oceans wave.
"Edward" Carlisle said softly but was interrupted. There was a silence as agitation built up Edward spurred on from frustration and confusion. Everything was so backwards!
He was a monster. He needed Carlisle to know that!
"This is not how it's supposed to be." He muttered turning his back from Carlisle. "I'm a monster! You should kill me!" He said turning once again to glare at Carlisle. Carlisle's thought were incredulous.
"Edward, don't be ridiculous." He chastened with his mouth turning in a firm line, crossing his arms.
"I want to go home, but I don't deserve it. I killed people. I went against everything that you taught me!" His words dripped with self loathing and he blew out his breath harshly.
"Edward." Carlisle said again and uncrossed his arms trying to reach for him. Edward stepped back looking down and kicking the dust absent-mindedly. The cyclone of emotions was tearing him apart from the inside.
"Edward – just look at me and listen." Carlisle said exasperated, rubbing his hand on the back of his neck roughly. Edward sensed the weariness of the three-century-old mind and it weighed on his conscious.
Edward obeyed, albeit grudgingly.
"I love you like my son--My only son. Losing you is like losing the only part of me that makes sense. Even with Esme, I felt –" Carlisle broke off and closed his eyes for a second. "Lost. I don't care what you did."
Edward snorted. Carlisle grabbed Edward's shoulders and looked him straight in the eye.
"Edward, I'm not kidding. You can read my mind and know I'm being honest." Carlisle rebuked but then took on a soft tone, "Esme and I want you back. I love you, son." Carlisle pulled Edward to him and hugged him.
Edward closed his eyes relishing it for a moment but then pulled away. He didn't deserve this. He deserved judgment. He deserved punishment. Carlisle is doing this all wrong. This WAS NOT how it was supposed to happen.
Carlisle's thoughts read his emotions like a book. It was as if Carlisle were the mind reader.
"Starving yourself won't kill you." It seemed like it was off topic to an outsider but to Edward the thoughts that surrounded Carlisle's words made him frustrated. He started to pace out of frustration as Carlisle continued.
"Neither does biting yourself."
Edward stopped for a second – not realizing that the marks were that visible. The day that he found what he was doing was completely wrong he tried to tear himself apart. It was useless and nearly impossible. Those were the scars that never healed but they seemed to be hidden enough not to be seen. Edward felt like an idiot to think that Carlisle wouldn't have noticed them.
"Edward, please. You're over thinking, again. You want this." Carlisle entreated.
Edward made an impassive face, "I-I don't think I should be here to hurt you." He said tersely readying himself to leave.
"Then I'll make this easier for you."
Edward felt his stagnant heart drop. He didn't expect Carlisle to agree, but he knew this was the only option. Carlisle continued,
"I won't give you the option to think about anything at all."
"What?!" Edward, slightly startled and confused, replied.
"You will stay here with your family. You will eat something right now. You will go home after and hug Esme. Finally, you will promise not to hurt yourself like you have done these past few weeks. I will not allow anything else." Carlisle asserted. He gave Edward a firm look. Edward felt like gaping and made to refuse but Carlisle interrupted.
"Don't think that I can find ways to make you and I'm sure Esme has even better methods as well. " He threatened. They had a stare down for several long moments as Edward slowly digested the information. Edward lost and quickly looked away. He was looking successfully chastened.
"I promise I won't hurt myself like that again and I wouldn't mind hugging Esme, if that saved me from her terrifying measures of restraining me." He gave Carlisle a cheeky look.
(AN: Okay, I hate ANs in the middle of the story but it's necessary. This is 70 some-odd years in the future from the flashback. Edwards going feel, refer, and think about Carlisle with deeper set emotions, such as more oftenly referring to him as father and having a deeper thoughts about Carlisle than in the Flashback.)
He stood there with his arms around Bella, relieved that she was alive. Though, he stared at his father with trepidation. Carlisle's thoughts were decidedly blank even when he thanked Bella.
I'm glad you're alive, son.
The thought filtered through the impenetrable wall that is Carlisle's mind. It sounded strained – like it was surrounded by static. If the static was severely repressed emotions.
Esme was very expressive and showed love and comfort through touching and hugging. Carlisle was that way to an extent but he did this much more so with words. Edward longed for his father to say something. Carlisle's face was impassive – his arm held tightly around Esme was the only indicator of his emotion. Edward looked towards Esme to read her thoughts but ended up getting a pointed stare.
This is between Carlisle and you. You will need to figure out how to fix this.
Edward grimaced at the bluntly stated fact that there was a need for something to be fixed. He pushed those thoughts away trying to focus on Bella. When they got to the car he had to ignore Emmett's thoughts that seemed to pulsate through the air and pound his mind into a bloody pulp. If Emmett's posture looked like they were aching to strangle him his thoughts were much worse. For a split second the coward in Edward wished he had died.
When he got to Bella's house and finally got her to go to sleep, he knew it was time to face the music. He went the final stretch to his house much slower than usual, purposely delaying the inevitable.
Although to his surprise, when he entered the house they were not all hounding him out the door. Alice and Jasper were in there room in what seemed to be a very intimate moment. Edward shied away not really interested in their love life.
Rosalie was sitting in the sitting room which was visible from the entrance. Her thoughts revolved around her guilt and if she could cry how beautiful she would look. Emmet was sitting right next to Rosalie, holding her. Only slightly less angry. Edward grimaced for the second time that day.
Esme was at the entrance though, but Carlisle was not with her. Edward felt guilt overcome him wishing it were the flames of hell. He realized the pain he caused his family and he wished he could talk to Carlisle and fix it. Part of him was afraid to face Carlisle.
Would he turn him away?
Would he not want him as his son?
All his insecurities rained on him and threatened to drown him. He hung his head slightly, not wanting to look Esme in the eye.
"I'm sorry for the pain I've caused you." He whispered. He felt a hand run through his air.
"Oh, Edward. What's done is done. We just have to keep moving." She said softly. She kissed him on the forehead.
He looked up at her, "But Carlisle,"
"-Will come around. It just takes some time." She interrupted giving him a meaningful look and Edward was confused on what she was trying to silently convey. All the mindreading in the world would not communicate to him the magic word that would allow Carlisle to "Come around."
He nodded without saying anything and walked over to Emmett and Rosalie. Rosalie stood up quickly and hugged me. It was a rare moment and seemed to define the sincerity of her guilt.
"I'm so sorry, Edward. I didn't mean for this to happen." She said with a muffled tone. He face buried into my chest.
"It's alright, Rose. It's not your fault. I was the one to make my choices. It was my fault. There's nothing to forgive." Edward murmured and He awkwardly patted her shoulder. He was not used to physical contact with his sister.
As she stepped back, Emmett grabbed Edward's arm in a rough hold.
"I want to talk to Edward, alone." He said. He left everyone in the room with their imaginations. Edwards's thoughts were leading more to the macabre edge. Emmett dragged Edward outside and promptly punched him in the shoulder. Edward winced.
"What were you thinking? Does this family mean anything to you?" Emmett yelled. Edward flinched and silently stared at Emmett. His only option was to allow Emmett to let it all out.
"Well! Answer me!" He roared but his thoughts were scared. He rarely had seen Emmett scared. Emmett was scared of losing him. Did he not understand that Bella was alive? There shouldn't be any reason to fear. Emmett pushed Edward once again with all of his strength and sent the resigned vampire flying and hitting the floor roughly.
He was starting to regret his technique in letting Emmett "Let it all out". There seemed to be a lot to let out.
Edward got up and looked at him with pleading eyes, "I don't have an answer to that, but I do care about our family. I can't tell you what I was thinking."
"That's not good enough!" Emmett Yelled and it was times like these that Edward wished Emmett could read his mind. Emmett made to hit Edward again but found an obstruction in the shape of Esme.
"Emmett, stop this right now. This is not how we solve anything. Give some time for Edward to think – it's only been a couple hours since his return. He can't have possibly wrapped his head around all this." Esme admonished Emmett. Edward feeling slightly invisible as Esme seemed to talk about him as if he wasn't there. He didn't care to point it out, right now. He wasn't suicidal anymore.
Emmett looked cowed and nodded his head. He looked at Edward mentally apologizing but still silently seething and he left to be with Rosalie.
"Thank you, Esme, I'm just going to go check on Bella and see if she's alright."
"Go ahead, dear. Don't worry, this will all blow over. A lot of us have to get our head around this, not just you."
Edward nodded and sped away with vampire speed.
Not long after he returned but with Bella in tow and then the whole fight with Bella broke out. She had cast a vote on her being turned. Carlisle had effectively agreed to take Bella's soul claiming there was no other option. Edward seethed with anger.
After he dropped Bella off and was swiftly rejected on his request for her to marry him he was only slightly less angry. He was more hurt that Carlisle would do this. That he would betray his trust like this. Did his suicide attempt make a bigger rift than he had thought? It felt like a gaping chasm that not even his Bella could fill.
He decided to skip any confrontation with his family and ascend a tree up into the window of his room. He sat on his couch and stared out into space trying to fathom Carlisle's reasoning. It was times like these he wished he could sleep. He wished to get away from the inner turmoil that pressured to get out. He closed his eyes tightly fearing the disappointment that Carlisle would direct to him.
Edward spiraled into his self-loathing that he tended to gravitate to.
He must hate me.
I hurt everyone around me.
I don't deserve them.
He turned around on his couch burying his head into the cushions. He tried to will everything away, but it was no use. Everything seem to pile on him, he tuned everyone out for fear that he would get out of control in case he heard something affirmed his beliefs.
Hours past in this state.
Those hours were nothing to him.
He broke his family.
He broke the bond between him and his father.
Without Carlisle's wisdom, he did not know who to go to anymore.
Suddenly the door slammed open and he looked up to see a grim Emmett and a weary Jasper. Edward repressed a sigh. Emmett stomped to the couch and pulled Edward into a standing position. Emmett then suddenly hugged him and Edward nearly ran away out of the embarrassing gesture. It wasn't the fact that Emmett was hugging him, more the fact that he wasn't letting go.
Edward struggled after a few moments against the impermeable arms but that only caused them to tighten.
"Listen Eddie, I don't hate you. None of us hate you, and you shouldn't hate yourself. I mean you can be whiney, boring, prudish and brooding and you may have broken the Plasma the we all know and love but you're still my brother, I love you." Emmett said and finally stopped strangling Edward. Edward couldn't stop the bewildered look that graced his features.
"Jasper here has been feeling your self-hatred among other emotions for the last few hours and it's giving him a headache." Emmett said answering Edward's silent question.
Jasper looked at Edward apologetically not quite expecting Emmett's reaction for him commenting about Edward's emotions.
"Edward, you have to give us some credit. You read our minds. You should know that we love you and don't want you to get hurt. Alice and I are worried about you. I've been constantly watching your emotions and Alice is checking every scenario in your future. We're all Scared – " Jasper paused for a moment not wanting to mention fear but then began again, "That you're going to do it again."
Instead of hugging Jasper just sent his love. Literally, He sent the emotion to Edward and it overtook him like a warm blanket. Edward smiled appreciatively.
"Thanks guys. I'm sorry about the Plasma." Edward looked contrite.
Emmett snorted indignantly, "You better be. Do you know how long it takes to get one of those shipped over here!"
"Also, I think you should go talk to Carlisle. Your thoughts always go out of sorts without his reasoning." Jasper recommended.
"I don't really think Carlisle is all that up to talking with me." Edward said hesitantly.
Emmett rolled his eyes, "Don't tell me you're afraid of Carlisle. Esme, maybe, but Carlisle?"
"I'm not afraid, per se; I just don't want to interrupt whatever he's doing."
"We're vampires; we have too much time on our hands to have anything to interrupt. If there's anyone you should be making amends with, it's Carlisle." Jasper said giving Edward a significant look.
Emmett clapped his hands resolutely and grabbed Edward dragging him to the direction of Carlisle's office . "Let's find out if he's busy"
He sped all the way to the office while Edward tried to struggle out. He finally broke out or Emmett let go, most likely the latter.
"Would you stop man-handling me!" Edward getting increasingly frustrated with Emmett.
"If you'd do stuff once in a while without over thinking about it for a million hours I wouldn't have to!" He retorted.
"Just because I don't run into everything without thinking about it doesn't mean I over think, I'm careful."
Emmett scoffed, "Oh yeah, going to the Volturi was careful!" he said sarcastically.
Someone cleared their throat and Edward and Emmett turned to see Carlisle in the newly opened doorway.
"Boys, is there a reason why you're fighting outside my door?"
"Edward wants to talk to you." Emmett blurted out.
"Okay." Carlisle said quietly looking at Edward.
"No!" Edward said without thinking.
"You don't want to talk to me." Carlisle raised his eyebrows slightly. Edward look unsure rubbing the back of his neck.
"Well, I do, but you seem…busy." He finished lamely. Carlisle's mouth twitched slightly.
"I'm never too busy to talk. You of all people should know that." He gently admonished. Carlisle stepped back inviting Edward into his office. Emmett smiled pushing the hesitant vampire through and rushing away before he could be yelled at.
Carlisle closed the door and walked to his chair sitting down. Edward stood there for a moment and walked slowly to a chair feeling like a child in the principal's office. He sat down and looked at an expectant Carlisle.
"I'm sorry, Carlisle for the turmoil I've caused this family." Edward apologized.
"You broke your promise." Carlisle said softly. Edward gave him a blank look but then saw Carlisle's mental wall come down. He saw the conversation on the day of his return from rebellion. He adjusted in his seat uncomfortably.
"I didn't really hurt myself. Bella stopped me from that." Edward weakly rebuffed. Carlisle leaned forward propping his elbows on the desk and steepled his fingers. He gave Edward a critical stare.
"Are we really going to argue technicalities tonight?" Carlisle challenged. Edward shook his head quickly and then looked away.
"I let you go and do what you needed to do. We moved away from Bella and we allowed to go off and figure stuff out. Every time you visited my resolve wavered. You were torturing yourself. I trusted you because I know you're old enough to figure stuff out." Carlisle closed his eyes for a second. Edward could feel the shame and guilt in him and wished he could be buried alive by it.
"Then this whole Voltera thing – you promised you would hurt yourself like that again. I was at a complete lost at what to do. If there is a next time, you'll find me not as easy on letting you go. That last two experiences only ended in you hurting yourself." Carlisle said as if he were writing it in stone.
"I'm sorry, I know I broke our relationship beyond what can be repaired but I promise to work hard to be a better son. " Edward heard and annoyed sigh and looked at a very dubious Carlisle.
"Edward, you're being irrational! The only thing you broke was my trust. I still love you the same way before all this mess happened." Edward look surprised at Carlisle vehement stare.
"But you wouldn't talk to me or even share your thoughts!" Edward said trying to reason with Carlisle that his thoughts weren't completely irrational.
"Two reasons." Carlisle began, "One, I needed time to cool down. I didn't want you to see all the thoughts that were spurred on by emotion. I was angry upset, and afraid. I didn't want you running away after seeing me thinking about strapping you to a hospital bed so you would never leave my sight." Carlisle looked at Edward smiling faintly. "Two, I wanted you to think about what you've done. That plan seemed to backfire because it seems even after 80 years of being with you; your self-esteem hasn't improved much. "
We need to work on that.
Carlisle gave him a long look. Edward fiddled with a loose thread on his pants and took a breath.
"You betrayed my trust, also." Edward pointed out nervously. He didn't really want t bring it up but he found it necessary.
"Did I?" Carlisle said leaning forward coaxing Edward to begin.
"You told Bella that you wouldn't interfere between me and her on this 'turning' issue when you were stitching her up. I was listening to it even though I wasn't in the room. Yet, then you not only vote for her to be changed, but you agree to change her!" Edward got more agitated with each word. He pinched the bridge of his nose to calm himself.
Carlisle look surprised at first but then his face hardened.
"Eighty years from now when Bella dies. Where will you be?"
It came out of nowhere and Edward jerked his head up. He sat there silently.
"Will you be on a plane to Voltera? Will I need to constantly guard you so you won't go on your little suicide mission? Will I be constantly in worry and you so deep in your sorrow you won't see any of us? I can't live like that! It was torture hearing Alice ask Jasper to 'prepare' me for your death. Like I said before, you have chosen to not live without Bella so you leave me with no other choice!"
Edward made to interrupt but Carlisle raised his hand.
"Let me finish, Edward. It WAS NOT a choice between taking Bella's soul and not taking it. It was a choice between having you here or not having you here. So, maybe it's selfish but, I've known that was my vice since I changed you." Carlisle said heatedly ending his tirade. Fear and love all jumbled up in his thoughts.
Edward sat there deep in concentration slowly accepting what Carlisle was saying.
"I asked Bella to marry me." He started silently. A brief look of confusion flittered across Carlisle's face from the abrupt change of subject.
" I did it so I could be the one to change her. She didn't want to though. Marry me, that is." A desolate look emerged from his eyes from the thought of rejection."
"Edward, you know she loves you."
"I know but maybe not enough. I thought she wanted to be with me forever but." He hesitated at the thought of what he was going to say, "Maybe she just wants to be changed."
Carlisle's eyes widened at the idea but he leaned even closer trying to stress what he was about to say.
"Son, you need to see yourself better. Bella doesn't deserve that type of mistrust. She doesn't come from a close family. Put yourself in her place for a second. This isn't about being with you forever, it's about the traditions that tore her own family apart." Carlisle gave Edward a knowing look.
"Yes, I see your point." Edward nodded silently.
"Just give her time. She'll come around."
Edward smiled the first genuine smile at Carlisle. Carlisle always tended to keep his insecurities at bay.
Carlisle walked to Edward with vampire speed. Edward stood up and Carlisle wrapped his arms around him. He gave him the hug that had been waiting for him ever since his return from Voltera.
"I would do it again to keep you here even for a thousand plasmas." He heard Carlisle say his voice rumbling from his chest.
They heard a curse right outside the door. "What the-! You break another plasma and I'll break you! No love there, brother!" They heard a muffled, outraged tone outside the door.
Edward turned his head from Carlisle's chest and yelled "Stop eavesdropping, you're bound to hear something you don't like!"
"Oh, you're one to talk." They heard Emmett mumble.
Thanks for reading. Please review!