A/N: I do not condone beating of any kind. Well, you know what I mean.
"I've lost it. I've really lost it," Chris sighed as he tugged on the sleeves of his pinstripe suit that he purchased just for this particular evening, the evening of Summerslam.
No shit, Chris. You've lost your mind months ago.
It's what Lance Cade had wanted to say to Jericho, but he knew better than to do that. "What did you lose, Chris?" he asked instead.
"My magical powers of sparklization," Chris stated, staring out into space.
"Sparkli…I'm not even going to ask what that is. Assuming it's what I think it is, I can see why you lost it."
"Lost it? Why do you think I lost it, Lance Cade? You don't know what sparklization is. You are not the Messiah of the Sparkle. You do not have these magical powers. The only thing that you can do is stand there and get yourself confused with an ex-boy band member."
"You did not just compare me to Lance Bass," Lance said.
"Who is Lance Bass?" Chris asked. "Oh, I see how it is, Lance Cade. You're starting to talk like me, aren't you? You're going to try and steal my creativity and start using everybody's last names. I see how it is, Lance Cade. I see how it is."
"Chris, I don't think I've ever actually called you Chris Jericho to your face."
"See!" Jericho exclaimed, pointing at Lance Cade like a lawyer accusing the opposing defendant. "You ARE trying to steal my way of words!"
"No, Chris, I'm not," Lance assured Chris. He knew that it was better to be with Chris doing nothing and getting air time than to be off on his own, losing to Umaga every week. "So, what magical powers did you lose?" he asked, trying to distract Shawn.
"Okay, so you know how I punched Rebecca Michaels tonight?"
"Yeah, that was brutal," Lance nodded.
"Well, I didn't do it on accident. I meant to hit her."
"YOU WHAT?" Lance yelled in shock. "You purposely hit a woman? Chris, that's just wrong!"
"I purposely hit men in the ring. She stepped in the ring, so that's not my fault. There is no gender in the ring, Lance Cade. You know that. Anyways, I was trying something, and it didn't quite work."
"What could you possibly have been doing that required you to hit a woman?"
"Well, I was trying to turn her into glitter, but it didn't work."
"I don't think I'm following you, Chris."
"I thought that if I hit her hard enough, she'd explode, and my touch would turn her into glitter. I'd be like King Midas, except I'd be Esquire Sparkle," Chris explained.
"Why would you want her to turn into glitter?"
"If she turned into glitter, then Shawn Michaels would have to admit that he retired because of me. I would have turned her into glitter, and I'd be the only one with the powers to turn her back. You see, Lance Cade, I have a theory. If everything that I didn't like turned into glitter, the world would be a better place."
"Messiah of the Sparkle…Esquire Sparkle…Chris, when will this end?"
"Never, Lance Cade. Never."