This came to me just this morning. I guess it could be about anyone, but since I posted it in Higher Ground this is about Shelby. I know it's short, but I thought that if I made it any longer it would lose it strength - I think it already has. Anyway, tell me what you think! Also, I know the title sucks. It's from a song from Nickelback, should you wonder - a song about abuse, so it's kind of fitting.
Also, I know the title sucks. It's from a song from Nickelback, should you wonder - a song about abuse, so it's kind of fitting.
It's not just your actions that changed me. It's your words and your eyes… it's everything. You made me who I am now. You made me weaker, but also stronger – in a way. Because of you I eventually escaped you. You made me go away, leave all the trouble behind – even though I left someone else to be your victim, something I will always regret. Where I ended after I ran wasn't much better, but it was away from you, which is always better. Where I eventually ended was the best I had ever been.
What you did made me go away. It is your own fault that you lost me.
So I guess I should thank you for that, because otherwise I'd still have been stuck there, with you. I guess I ought to thank you for opening my eyes.
But what you did was too disgusting to ever deserve a thanks for it. What you did made me feel so dirty and filthy I stood in the shower for hours, scrubbing until I was bleeding. Do you know what that feels like? A memory that haunts your mind, a scent that doesn't ever leave your body. It makes you feel impure, unworthy of anyone who is good to you.
That's why I acted the way I did after I left. It's why I pushed everyone away, it's why I did what I did on the streets – because of you. Everything that happened has a connection to you, you are still that present in my life. Even now that I am away from you, everyone you could hurt is away from you and you are behind prison bars. What you did still affects me to this day.
Is that what you wanted? What got you off? It's so disgusting. Why did you do it? Why me? You were married, for God's sake. She loved you. She loved you so much she turned a blind eye to all the bad things you did. Don't you ever feel guilty for betraying that trust?
But I am still standing. You are the one that is locked up behind bars, facing a future between four walls. I am free to go wherever I want to go. How's that feel? The roles have changed. I am no longer the little girl you could scare with threats. I am a woman now, a woman with her own thoughts and experiences. Not everything revolves around you anymore. I can do things on my own, I can go for hours without thinking of you – having fun and not feeling guilty.
You will never be gone, but I am starting to think that's a good thing. It warns me, it makes me feel special when something good does happen to me. That's also what you left behind, and it changes me in a good way.
When I look around, I am remembered that there are still good things in this world. That not everybody is like you. I am remembered that no matter how big my wounds are, there are other people who needed me. I am starting to form friendships again, I start to trust people. I am healing. You cannot take that away from me – not ever again. Maybe you took away my innocence, the only thing I had left – but you can never take away me.