Well, if you're reading this, your are either a new reader or a really pissed off veteran.
I'm going to start with: "My Bad."
So... it's only been like 6 months, you guys aren't mad, right, right? Well then again, I kinda cliffhanged you...
Okay, so I grew lazy, I grew bored, and worst of all, I grew up... The fanfiction thing was just a phase of my early teenage hood I guess. Well I guess this is growing up.
But some people favorating this story long after I had stopped writing it and it gave me some hope. I guess I have to thank specfic individuals though.
Thanks to: pokefreak59, for always having some time to proof read these chapters before I submit them. Shadow-Rukario, or what ever her name is now, for putting up with me and decaying communication as I have slowly grown away from the fan fiction community. Thanks to the signed reviewers: Soul Smasher, The Big Boss, Dark Chewbacca, Blaze Ocean Dragon and the rest I can no longer identify, for taking their time to read this dead story. And I wanna give a special thanks to those anonymous reviewers: Tilt, Alkelzero, and Grumpy Old Diamond. They reminded me that this story even existed. I know the chances are slim that they will ever see this, but I still wanna thank them. And I wanna thank Kappanaruto999 on deviantart. He took the time to look at my profile. That's something I probably wouldn't even do.
Oh The People You'll Meet
Chapter 14: Unstoppable Reptile
Solid Snake's twin brother. While Solid was in the glory of the world stage, Liquid found himself hiding in the shadows of history, doing wetworks for the SAS. His contempt for Solid Snake grew over the years, believing that Solid Snake had the dominant genes of Big boss, while Liquid was created to be garbage from the day he was born, carrying only the recessive genes. They were reunited at Shadow Moses in Metal Gear Rex's hangar. After thhe events of Shadow Moses, everybody though he had died of FOXDIE, but were they so very wrong. Nothing can stop Liquid Snake.
"SNAKE! It's not over, not yet!
I find myself standing in a perfectly white room, with no obstructions and no distractions. I have no idea why I'm here. But damn, somebody needs to give whatever janitor that cleans this floor a raise, not a single speck on the floor.
Otacon stood in front of me, holding a book.
"Otacon, what the hell is going on?" I queried.
"You're having a kinda-sorta near death experience." Otacon answered.
"Uh…" I said as I drooled awkwardly.
"You were hit by a Boeing 747 in a swimming pool." Otacon stated
"So... What's your point?" I asked while giving a confused hand gesture.
"If it was anybody else who would've been hit, it probably would have killed them several times over." Otacon bluntly put it.
"So why am I here? Why are you here?" I asked while looking at my surroundings of pure nothingness. I at least noticed that this area of nothingness at least had an air conditioner. It wasn't hot or cold, that's pretty cool. Where ever I was, somebody at least paid the electric bill.
"Snake, you're unconscious right now." He said.
"That's impossible; I didn't throw a stun grenade recently. Those things are the only things that can knock me out," I retorted, cause I know from experience.
"Snake, you almost died, try to take this experience seriously." He replied.
"YOU'RE NOT MY MOM!" I yelled in defense.
"Snake, you don't have a mom," Otacon stated, "You're a clone."
"What are you tryin' to say?" I asked while snapping my hands like a wannabe ghetto youth. You know those people I'm talking about.
"Your mother is a test tube." Otacon insulted, not hesitating even slightly.
"That's harsh dude." I said as I sniffed.
"Snake, wake up." Otacon stated.
"What?" I asked, bewildered.
"Wake up!" Otacon yelled with a fading volume.
"Snake, Wake up!" I heard faintly as Otacon faded away from sight.
"Snake wake up!" Snake heard as he slipped back into consciousness. Standing over him was a pink Riolu wearing a red bow on its back.
"Who the hell are you?" Snake demanded to know while pulling his S.O.C.O.M. from its holster and thrusting it into the Riolu's face.
"Snake, it's me, Corsa." The Riolu defended as she stepped back.
"Who?" Snake asked. Corsa stared at him, annoyed.
"What?" Snake said as he lifted an eyebrow and shrugged his shoulders.
"The one you could step on." Corsa replied,
"Oh, yeah! " Snake replied with the enthusiasm of a child.
"So uh… This doesn't like a place with food that I can eat. Where the hell are we?" Snake asked while consulting his stomach before his brain. The stomach has priority over the brain when presented with such a situation.
"In my village," Corsa informed.
"Why the HELL am I in your village?" Snake demanded to know. Because, you know, the word 'village' isn't heavily associated with the concept of 'abundance of food.'
"Because you were severely injured and I needed to heal you," Corsa answered with a fair response.
"So… instead of dragging me to the hospital in Smash Mansion, you dragged me all the way here?" Snake demanded to know. Wait, did Snake just form a coherent argument?
"… uh… yes?" Corsa timidly gave a response.
"And people tell me I'm stupid!" Snake retorted.
Just then, Snake's codec began to ring. What was his ring tone you wonder? The James Bond theme song! Because no black ops agent is complete without his full assortment of cliché theme songs. If he ever gets spotted, it will be because he doesn't know when to put his CODEC on vibrating.
"SSSNNNNNNNAAAAAAKKKKKKKEEEEEE!" yelled a man on the other side of the codec. This man had the exactly same face as Snake, but had long blond hair and a BRITISH accent.
"Uh… Solid Snake is probably unconscious now. Please leave a message and I'll get back to you when I feel like it, BEEEEEEP" Snake said, trying to be monotone as possible so he can fool the guy calling into thinking that Snake's CODEC comes with a voice mail. Snake is poor, so all his stupid CODEC can do is talk and freeze the very fabric of time; Completely worthless indeed.
"Snake, You're dumber than dirt!" The man cut in to the conversation that Snake and Corsa were having.
"And you're smarter than… uh… ass! Yeah, what now fool?" Snake said, searching for a comeback that is not completely stupid. At least he's trying; you have to give him credit.
"Ugh! I'm gonna to KILL you Snake! If it's the bloody last thing I do!"
" … Who is this anyways?" Snake interjected.
The faint sound of a man smashing his head on a table can be heard through the codec.
"How the hell do you have the old man's dominate genes?"
"I don't know this old man you're talking about, but I can totally whoop his butt." Snake stated confidently.
There was once again the sound of smashing of the man's head on the table; however, this time, it wasn't faint nor did the table survive.
"Do you hear me? I, LIQUID SNAKE, HATE YOU SO MUCH!" The man yelled.
"I don't want any!" Snake yelled while slamming his CODEC on the… uh… well it's not a telephone… how is somebody supposed to slam the CODEC in frustration? Well Snake defied the laws of logic and did it anyways. He was sick and tired of those damn telemarketing girl scouts and their stupid expensive cookies.
"Who was that?" Corsa asked.
"Some prank caller that looked and sounded like my evil dead twin brother." Snake answered while shrugging his shoulders.
"Um… okay." Corsa responded, wanting to change the subject.
"What were we talking about?" Snake wondered. Whatever mechanic managed Snake's train of thought needs to be fired, it's always going off track.
"My father said he wanted to talk to you." Corsa interjected.
"You have a father? I thought all people kill their parents after they reach a certain age." Snake replied.
"WHAT?" Corsa responded in astonishment.
"Well, I killed my dad, Twice," Snake explained.
"Why?" Corsa asked.
"Because the government promised me some boxes if I did," Snake answered.
"You killed your father over BOXES?" Corsa bellowed.
"It was totally worth it." Snake replied without a hint of remorse.
"I'm not sure if I feel safe around you anymore." Corsa stated as she increase the distance between Snake and her by a few feet, or meters, depending on what country you come from.
"Well, you should see my pal Otacon, everybody he falls in love with ends up dying. The worst part is that he's always there to witness it." Snake boasted. Like your best friend's tragedy is something to boast about.
"Snake, our leader would like to have a word with you." A Lucario proclaimed from behind Snake. Snake turned around, with only one thing in mind.
"Bring me to your leader!" Snake yelled, because it was HIS chance to be the alien this time. He's always wanted to say that.
"Um, okay…" The confused Lucario replied in bewilderment. The Lucario beckoned Snake to come with him. Corsa followed suit. They arrived at the door of an old-Japanese style house.
"State your name and your purpose," said another Lucario standing at the entrance of the house. A few moments later, a copper-colored Lucario with black metallic fur on his chest came out from the entrance.
"Hey Snake, never mind that loser, what's happenin' man?" The copper Lucario said, with a heavy Japanese accent trying to sound American as hard as he can.
"Woah! Your sudden use of informal English has sparked my interest." Snake stated in amazement.
"I totally took and failed a course in English slang!" The Lucario explained.
"Woah, your capacity to fail a class just like me makes you a lot cooler than these the rest of the freaking Bi-pedal jackals." said, excitingly. Finally, somebody he could empathize with in his failed trails to pass the 5th grade.
"Do you want to go grab a burger and some coca-cola" Copper offered, appealing to Snake's North American cultural heritage. The author is from North America and can assure that Americans do in fact, inhale hamburgers and sodas. This has been Uncle Gunner and his guide to 'How we roll, in America." With this knowledge, you should now be able to generalize Americans even better. Results may vary.
"HELL YEAH!" Snake replied, cause he was American. Refer to the last paragraph for more information.
"Copper-sama, if I may ask, what exactly are you doing?" The Lucario standing on sentry duty telepathically communicated to Copper's ears.
"Appealing to his culture, it's the best way to get him to like and trust me." Copper responded.
"But shouldn't you be straightforward and timely in a matter as urgent as this?" The sentry suggested.
"He wouldn't care for what I had to say if he thinks I'm a boring village elder." Copper deduced.
"So how about it Snake?" Copper said as he turned his attention back to Snake.
"Can we get milkshakes too? I heard it brings all dem boys to the yard, and their like: it's better than yours, damn righ-" Snake sang before being cut off.
"Sure!" Copper acknowledged as he interrupted Snake's routine. The horror if Snake actually finished singing that.
One non-Captain Falcon walk later
"Wow, I didn't know they had T.G.I. Fridays in Nintendo! Doesn't that violate copyright laws?" Snake exclaimed.
"What?" Copper replied, confused by Snake's non-coherent sentence.
"Nevermind," Snake hastily responded. He realized that the other characters' ignorance of the fourth wall was his greatest advantage.
"Wow, food gets made a head of time in Nintendo? That's awesome!" Snake exclaimed as he jumped to conclusions.
"No, all TGI Fridays ever serve are hamburgers, sodas, and milkshakes. They just make it all day." Copper responded.
"So Copper, Obviously you know where I came from. If this is Nintendo, and there are no 'United States' then how do you know some much about my culture?" Snake queried.
"Internet," Copper explained,
"Damn, that seems to be the answer to everything!" Snake recalled
"So, Snake, do you remember Astra?" Copper asked
"Who?" came Snake's usual response.
"The Lopunny you once fought that uses shadows and stuff?" Copper reminded.
"Was that the one where I was making a sandwich?" Snake remembered.
"Um…" Copper could barely reply.
"I'm getting the sudden urge to kill Ike right about know. That dude jacked mah sandwich." Snake declared as he tightened his fist threateningly.
"Now that I think about it, Snake owes me some money, from that time when were we walking down the road and Calibra attacked us… I'm going to mention that the next time I see him." Ike said as he was standing in an entirely non-descript area so the author doesn't have to describe it.
"Back to the matter on hand, Snake I need you to find Astra quickly and warn her that the Lake Trio are going to attack very soon," Copper said as he refocused the topic.
"One question, why me?" Snake asked.
"I'm not finished yet, As I was sayin-" Copper started.
"My bad," Snake cut in.
"Would you let me talk? As I was sayin-" Copper started once more.
"Alright whatever," Snake cut in once more.
"I'm just going to wait patiently," Copper declared, being frustrated at the reptile man for always choosing to talk while he is talking.
"…" Copper waited for 5 minutes, while Snake was blankly starting into space, thinking about what his next meal is, while you know, he's eating his current hamburger. There was once a survey that reported that "Americans think about their next meal while eating their current one." While that's sort of true, it would have been truer if they mentioned "With the exception of Snake, he thinks about his next meal long before he starts his current one." Yes, if you play close attention to that sentence, it does in fact, create a TIME PARADOX.
"As I was sayin-" Copper finally started once more.
"I'm still hungry," Snake cut him off again. Copper however, did not stop talking this time.
"I need you to find Astra and warn her about the lake trio. They have me under an aura surveillance, but they can't recognize you, so that's why I need you," Copper informed.
"What do I get for valiantly risking my life while trying to accomplish this?" Snake questioned.
"A bag of potato chips," Copper said, knowing he had an ace up his sleeve.
"I'm in!" Snake agreed. Something needs to be explained first. If you've noticed, Snake has been offered really stupid things throughout the story as an incentive to do something. As a matter of fact, that's how this story began; they bribed him into coming to Nintendo with some boxes (that he never got anyways.) It's pretty simple, anything worth of value to one's existence, such as wisdom, love, or immortality, is not a good reward for Snake. If you were a supreme being with the gift of immortality (like a Ninetales,) you'd be out of luck, because everything Snake wants can be cheaply obtained at the nearest dollar store.
"So… where is she?" Snake asked.
"I'm guessing somewhere near or around spear pillar." Copper responded.
"Spear what?" Snake queried.
"Spear Pillar, a heavenly place home to none other to Arceus himself." Copper informed.
"A who-da-what-a?" Snake asked, confused.
"Arceus , the god of Pokémon," Copper again informed.
"Does that mean he can grant me three wishes?" Snake asked. Because, you know, anything magical, Snake thinks is a leprechaun.
"Uh… sure," Copper said, pausing at Snake's sheer stupidity.
"Can I wish for more wishes?" Snake excitedly asked. Only something a jackass would do, wishing for more wishes.
"Snake, it will be a dangerous and arduous journey. You must go now, every second you waste, is a second more that Astra could die!" Copper exclaimed.
"So…" Snake wondered.
"GO! NOW!" Copper exclaimed.
"Alright, alright, I'm going," Snake assured. Sure enough, Snake just randomly walked off in the opposite direction from Spear Pillar.
"Wait, I forgot to tell him which way!" Copper thought as he turned around, but Snake was already gone.
5 Minutes later
"Can't go on… need junk food… cigarettes… boxes… oh sweet boxes; with your straight edges, your safe and rigid corners. Your mathematical practicality. Your usefulness. Oh, woe is me, for I will never again be in the comfort of another cardboard box again," Snake rambled, until collapsing on the floor from the lack of all the things he mentioned.
"Must… call… random people… on… codec…" Snake mumbled. So snake started randomly filtering through his list of saved numbers. He didn't know half of the people but he was going to call anyway.
"Hello, this is Pizza hut, with all of you Pizza needs." The man on the other side of the codec answered.
"I need a large Pepperoni delivered to Solid Snake, You'll know where he is, you can't miss him." Snake ordered. He then hung up before the person on the other end could ask for more information. Snake then called Otacon.
"Snake? Is that you? Where are you?" Otacon answered, worried.
"Where ever you're not at," Snake informed. Technically he was correct. That's a lazy answer the author often gives.
"Snake hold on I'm comin-" Otacon started before being cut off.
"Boring!" Snake yelled as he cut Otacon off. Snake then decided to call another random number in his codec. Well, he tried about 5 different numbers before one finally picked up.
"Hello my good sir, Gannondorf speaking," Gannondorf answered with a clean British accent.
"What the hell happened to your voice?" Snake responded. Snake could've sworn that Gannondorf was a gangsta rapper.
"Yo mama!" Gannondorf responded in his usual gangstafied wanna-be voice.
"What?" Snake wondered out loud about that completely logical comeback Gannondorf gave.
"Aye look brah, I don't need any a-dat from you, ite?" Gannondorf slurred.
"I don't want any!" Snake yelled back.
"Please don't tell anybody else I'm British. Then I'll lose respect as a gangsta rapper," Gannondorf begged.
"Boring!" Snake exclaimed as he hung up. Snake then decided to give 'Master Miller' a call, for old time's sake. Snake had completely forgotten all of the events of Shadow Moses though. It was only one of the most important times of his life.
"Hello Governa!" A man with a face identical to Snake except having blonde hair and a British accent answered.
"Who is this?" Snake asked, finally realizing that he was not talking to Master Miller, but in fact, that weird girl scouts cookie guy.
"SNNNNNAAAAAKKKKEEEE!" the man yelled.
"Yeah?" Snake casually remarked, because he was used to having his name yelled was normal.
"We talked about fifteen minutes ago, Why the hell are you calling me back?" The British man said in an anticlimactic tone.
"I'm bored and I'm dying." Snake informed.
"Who's killing you? I'll kill them! Only I, LIQUID SNAKE am possible of killing you." The self proclaimed 'Liquid Snake' said.
"Boring!" Snake yelled as he cut him off. Snake then proceeded to call Captain Falcon, which probably would have been the best idea, considering that, you know, Captain Falcon owns a car and can pick Snake up. But logic has been absent since in this fic since the last time Otacon spoke so don't worry, your favorite chain smoking, box loving, badass black ops agent hasn't gained the power of reason, he's still the same ol' Snake. Captain Falcon was just the next name on the list.
"Aye! This is Captain Americ- I mean Captain Falcon speaking." Falcon corrected himself. Who knows what Captain Falcon does in his spear time… like killing Nazis and such… the world may never know.
"Hey, do you know where Spear Pillar is?" Snake blurted out.
"Yeah!" Falcon excitedly answered. What was Falcoon so excited about.
"Could we take a ride there? Somebody told me it was a long and arduous journey but I don't feel like dealing with that." Snake asked. Snake isn't this great hero everybody thinks he is. He's a lazy bastard, so the rest of us fan fiction readers and writers can clearly sympathize with him. Snake's human too, but I'm not sure of to what degree.
"Sure, Let's roll." Falcon responded.
"Already?" Snake asked, bewildered.
"I'm standing right beside you." Falcon stated.
"Cool, but… where are we anyways? It feels like I've been walking for days."
"Nah… we're at the main entrance of the Smash Mansion." Falcon corrected.
"Oh… Oh… Well now I feel stupid." Snake said. Let's analyze this sentence for a minute. Snake, who is not exactly to most intelligent of his species, now feels stupid. That means he usually walks around feeling… smart? Does he really blow past the line of stupid that he's too stupid to realize he's stupid?
"So, how about them Bears?" Snake asked, trying to strike up a conversation.
"They're doing awesome. But you've gotta check out this ride I got. It's in the garage…" Falcon replied while walking to the garage. The sun was starting to set. In the immortal words imprinted on one of the screens in Gran Turismo 3, next to an endurance race that lasts about 2 hours, it says "It's going to be the start of a very long night."
At least it wasn't a cliffhanger.
But seriously, don't expect me to promise anything in terms of the time frame of the next chapter, because I find that I am very good at letting people down.
But hey, I'm always open to conversation. If you feel that you aren't getting enough of Uncle Gunner's material, don't be afraid to hit that PM button.