I needed to write a comedy for once in my life. I don't think The Mirror of Gurisa really counted for that. So here it is, pure, unadulterated crack-fic humor, about what would happen if my high school did Wicked for our annual spring musical.
Some basic re-appearing characters you need to know: (these are based on REAL people!)
Me- moi, d'oh.
Rachel- my best friend and fellow obsessed musical-freak. Love ya, Rach!
Max- Take adolescent Simon from American Idol and you get Max. No joke. I hate his guts, but I gotta admit, he's a GOD.
Sean: The guy who gets the leads. ALL THE TIME. But he's good enough to. Kinda cute.
Jenna- Fellow Wicked fan and good friend.
Laura- Craziest girl I know. One of my other bf's.
George- Doesn't know squat about drama. But he's fun to be around.
Mr. Mellon- My old physics teacher. BEST. TEACHER. EVER.
Mrs. S- Our drama director/teacher. Coolest gal I know, she has taken the drama at our school from lil' kiddie plays to practically Broadway. My idol fo' life.
And all the others, you'll get the hang of. If you have any questions about anyone, feel free to ask.
(In the school's pitifully small auditorium)
Mrs. S: Students, fellow actors!
Jenna: And actresses!
Mrs. S: (sighs) And actresses, I am pleased to announce next spring's musical! It will beeeee . . .
Me: (Whispering to Rachel): It better be good. Our last show was terrible!
Rachel: (shudders) Don't remind me.
Laura: THE IMAGE!! IT BURNS!!
Me: Laura! Shut up!
Laura: (lowers head sadly) Okays.
Mrs. S: WICKED!!
Me, Laura, and Rachel: (not paying attention) What?
Grace, Jenna, and other Wicked-obsessed-fan-girls: OMG!! HOLY OZ!! EEEEEEEEEEE!!
Sean: ALRIGHT! We get it! Shut up already!!
Max: My ears! They're BLEEDING!!
Mrs. S: QUIET!!
(Everyone falls silent)
Mrs. S: Now, the try-outs for Wicked-
Me: (who wasn't paying attention) Holy Shiz, we're doing Wicked?!
Mrs. S: -will be on Friday, immediately after school! That is all!
(Everyone exits Auditorium)
Me: Oh, wow!! What a dream come true! I'm gonna try out at once!!
Jess: Um, Sam, you can't.
Me: Holy crap!! Jess!! What are you doing here?! Why aren't you at college?
Jess: I came here so I can squash your dreams of ever becoming an actress.
Me: You came all the way from U of I so you can ruin my dream?! Bitch.
Jess: And anyway, you have a hockey game on Friday.
Me: SCREW HOCKEY! I WANNA SIIIING!
Coach Schwartz: Damn it . . . .
Me: Uh, coach? Why are you here?
Coach Schwartz: I am here to ask you to be on the Varsity team this year.
Me: HELL NO! I'll get killed!!
Jess: I did just fine.
Me: Yeah, now you're a manic-depressant who needed counseling!
Jess: That's only because I wrote song lyrics instead of annotating that ridiculously long book!! The teacher doesn't read the notes! And it's not my fault that all the songs I listen to sound really, really bad when taken out of context!!
Me: Um, yes it is!
Jess: STFU! (goes back to college)
Laura: What just happened?
George: (randomly appearing out of nowhere) Space mines.
Laura: SPACE MINES ARE SPACEY AND GO BOOM!!
Mr. Mellon: THERE IS NO SOUND IN SPACE!! SPACE IS A VACCUUM!!
Me: Ok, where are all these guys coming from?!
Mr. Mellon: My physics senses were tingling. They told me that very soon someone will be breaking the law of gravity.
Me: You have physic senses?! Well, this just keeps on getting weirder and weirder . . .
Grace: Ooh! Ooh! Mr. Mellon! In the next play, someone gets to DEFY GRAVITY!!
Mr. Mellon: I KNEW IT!!
Grace: I bet I'll be Elphaba!
Me: No way! I'm gonna be Elphaba!
Max: (starts to laugh hysterically)
Me: Hey, shut up. I'm not the one who was wearing multiple flower-patterned dresses!!
Max: I only did that because I played Professor Umbridge in Brad's Harry Potter spoof! Besides, I'm not the one who can't get a part, no matter how many plays I try out for!
Me: You bastard.
Katie Kruger and Ashleen Davey: (to Sean) BASTARD!!
Sean: You told me that a least fifty times in Kiss Me, Kate! I GET it!
Mrs. S: Would you guys get out of here?! You're crowding up the hallways!
Friday after school
Me: OMG OMG OMG!! I'm sooo ready!! I've been listening to the soundtrack nonstop for four days!!
Grace: Oh yeah? I've been listening to the soundtrack since I was BORN!
Sean: Is that even possible?
Me: Of course not. The play didn't even come out until 2003.
Mr. Mellon: My physics senses are tingling again!! Who broke the laws of physics?!
Max: (pointing at Grace) She did.
Mr. Mellon: YOU FAIL!
Grace: I'm not even in your class!
Mr. Mellon: Crap. (sulks away)
Mrs. S: Ok, settle down! Try outs are now in session! (bangs mallet on podium)
Rachel: Mrs. S, could you please be careful with that prop?
Mrs. S: Oh, sorry. Anyway, I have already listened to a few of you already try-out, and I will list those whose rolls are already decided. Max will be Boq . . .
Max: Damn it, I always get the nerd!
Mrs. S: Danny, Will, and Matt will be guards . . .
Matt: Sweet. I get to torture Fiyero!
Danny: Holy crap, I'm in a play!
Mrs. S: Jenna will be playing Nessarose . . . .
Jenna: Oh, damn, I'm not Elphaba.
Mrs. S: And Fiyero will be Sean.
Sean: Fine. So, who do I get to kiss this time?!
Me: Your sarcasm has been noted.
Mrs. S: (to Sean) You'll find out in a minute. All girls trying out for the leads please step up on stage.
(About fifty girls go on stage)
Emily: Oh mah gawd!! I am so totally gonna get the part of Elphie!!
Mrs. S: Emily, get off stage. You can't be Elphaba.
Emily: BUT WHY NOT?!
Me: Because you're too ditzy.
Emily: AM NOT! (stomps off stage, pouting)
Mrs. S: Grace, you're first.
Grace: WEE! Yes! I'm sooooo totally psyched!!
Mrs. S: . . . . .
Grace: Oh, yeah, whoops, sorry. Wrong character. Ahem. I'll get you, and your little dog, too! Ehahaha!! (starts bursting out into fits of giggles.)
Mrs. S: Ok, Grace, you're done.
Mrs. S: Sam, you're next.
Me: (inhales deeply, then sings) No good deed goes unpunished!! All helpful urges should be circumvented!! No good deed goes unpunished!! Sure, I meant well, well look at what well meant diiiiiiid!! (Grabs mallet and throws it on floor. It breaks.)
Rachel: HEY! That prop was expensive!!
Me: (ignoring Rachel) ALRIGHT, enough, so be it, so be it then!! Let all Oz be agreed, I'm wicked through and through, since I could not succeed, Sean- er, Fiyero- saving you, I promise no good deed will I attempt to do again, ever again!! No good deed will I doooooooooo AAAAAAGGGGAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII--
(Two minutes later)
Me: IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINNNNNNNN!! (faints)
Mrs. S: Holy shiitake mushrooms . . .
Max: (sounding exactly like Simon from American Idol) You are absolutely dreadful. You do not have what it takes to be the next American Idol!
Me: Shut up, you heartless bastard.
Rachel: Lulz! I get it!
George: I don't.
Mrs. S: That was amazing! Alright, I will post the rest of the cast list, and you will all be able to see it first thing Monday morning. You are dismissed.
Me (to Rachel): Sorry about your mallet.
Rachel: I'm gonna go Sweeney Todd on your ass unless I get a new one on Monday!
Me: Ok! (runs off, terrified, to buy a new mallet)
Kyle: Don't you just love verbing words?
Rachel: Hey, why don't you Google "verbing" and see if there's an actual definition for that?
Me: (bouncing around excitedly) Oooh!! I can't wait! I can't waaaaiiit!!
Rachel: Me, too!! I'm so excited to see who made it!!
Me: AUGH, this day can't possibly pass by fast enough!!
Rachel: At least it's a short-schedule day.
Me: Ah, true.
(Silence. Max and Jenna burst into the classroom)
Max: FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, GET OFF MY BACK!!
Jenna: But I can't!! I looove you!!
Max: The play isn't for four months!! YOU DON'T NEED TO BE IN CHARACTER YET!!
Jenna: But I'm not in character!!
Me: AWKWARD WHALE!!
Grace: Gay baby.
Rachel: No one says "gay baby" anymore.
Grace: Well, I do! So there!
Katie Schmidt: And "awkward whale" is my thing!
Me: "Awkward turtle" just didn't cover it.
Max: Oh my god, the drama is killing me. (runs out of room)
Jenna: Waiiiiit! I need to confess my love to youuuuuuu!! (runs after Max)
Max: SOMEONE GET ME A SCALPEL SO I CAN KILL MYSELF!!
(Everyone remains silent as they watch the drama unfold)
Me: Well, that was weird.
Rachel: Why can't something like that happen every day?
(Monday classes end)
Me: Race ya to the drama hall!
Rachel: Sam, I can't keep up with you! You're like that Marvel hero, Flash!
Me: Actually, the Flash is DC.
Rachel: You nerd.
TO BE CONTINUED!!
ME: Wait! What the hell?! You're ending the story right here?! SO NOT FAIR!!
Authoress: Yes, so I can torture you mercilessly!!
Me: But then you're torturing yourself, and self-destruction is a sin-
Authoress: I DON'T CARE!! And since when did you become a theology expert?!
Me: You mean 'When did I become a theology expert.'
Authoress: . . . . I'm confused now . . .
Rachel: Uh . . . I'm just gonna leave before this gets any weirder . . . o.O
A/N: Yes. I did just talk to myself right there. XD