Disclaimer: I still don't own Chuck.
Five People Sarah Walker Hates
I, Sarah Lisa Walker, dislike many things. I dislike the smell of fish, a button falling off a blouse, and having to get close to marks. I don't hate many things, but the things, more like people, that I do hate, I hate with a fiery burning passion that wells up inside of me whenever their name is simply mentioned.
Sitting in my darkened apartment with my lonesome self, I think of these simple five people that I hate and the blood starts to boil.
1. For whatever reason, I absolutely despise the CIA. I hate them for what they make me do, for the situations they've recently put me in. Because of the CIA and their regulations, it is prohibited for me to have a relationship with Chuck. If it weren't for the CIA and the training that controls my mind, that would not be the case. Yet, I find myself constantly hurting him because I know it's "right." But really? How is cheating yourself out of love the right thing to do.
2. For the longest time I've wondered how one woman can bring so much pain to a man. I always figured that the man could get over it, which is the case for most men. Give them some time and it's better. But for Chuck, that's not how things went down. Jill, once the woman of his dreams, hurt him more than any woman in the past had. He once confided in me saying that Jill hurt more than his mother leaving. With his mother, he had gotten through it, along with the help of Ellie. But with Jill, the pain remained for five years--five whole miserable years. No man, especially one as spectacular as Chuck, should have to go through that. Ever.
And that is why I hate Jill. I hate her for the pain that she brought Chuck. I hate Jill because of the way she had to go and ruin Chuck; by shacking up with his ex-college roommate who happened to sell him out for something he never did. Even if Bryce said it was for Chuck's own good, Jill sleeping with Bryce right after it wasn't. Jill is my Bryce in a few aspects; whenever Casey sees or hears of Bryce, his finger flies to the trigger. Whenever Chuck hears of Bryce, he cringes knowing what Bryce has done to him. Whenever I see her, if I ever do, I'm going to cause bodily harm whether its shooting her or knocking her out...
3. ...Which leads me to my number three hate; Bryce Larkin. Not only did Bryce ruin Chuck's life in the cruelest way, but he broke mine. Bryce, the one guy I had believed to ever come close to loving, went off and did something stupid, which got himself "killed." Then, when he was all the sudden back to life, he ruined the normalcy I was beginning to experience for the first time in years. I was just beginning to think that I could actually love Chuck and Bryce had to come popping back up at that exact moment so that he could throw me onto another emotional roller-coaster that keeps going up and down and up and down without stopping or slowing down. Bryce caused relational problems between me and Chuck on many different accounts; he was part of the reason that our cover was broken, he ruined the friendship I was beginning to build with him and he hurt Chuck all the while.
I hate Bryce for all the emotional turmoil that he's sent everyone through, even Ellie.
If Casey doesn't shoot him, then I will.
4. I hate myself. I hate myself for all of the things I've let the CIA do to me. I hate myself for allowing myself to break down in front of Chuck. I hate myself for letting him make me feel what I feel, for affecting how I feel. I hate myself for causing all of the destruction that I've caused in my career with the CIA. I have myself for the success that I've brought to the agency. I hate myself for letting Bryce mess up what he has. I hate myself for not being able to save Chuck how I want to save him. I hate myself for hurting Chuck and making myself deny him. I hate myself for using our cover as an excuse for everything. I hate myself for not being able to make everything better for Chuck all the time I... I... I hate myself for loving Chuck...
5. ...But I also hate him. I hate Chuck for the way he makes me feel when I'm around him. I hate him because of how he makes me second guess myself on missions and outside of them. I hate Chuck for the way he sends electric bolts through my body at the simplicity of his touch. I hate him because he knows how to get in. I hate him for being defiant, making it harder and harder to deny him. I hate his charm and how he uses it to make my knees give out. I hate how he makes me melt inside upon hearing anything come out of his mouth. I hate how much he can hurt me. I hate him for making my job harder and harder each day. I hate him because... because...
No. I don't hate Chuck Bartowski... I'm madly in love with him. And I hate myself even more for knowing that I can't ever tell him this.