They had said it would never happen. There were those who doubted it could ever occur. Sure Dana Harridge was cute, attractive and brainy, but she was also sarcastic, caustic and sometimes mean-tempered. Just ask her brother; he blamed her for the years of psychological abuse he had endured over several forty years of being related to her. Brunette, shapely and fun to be with, Dana had gone through a lot of boyfriends, enough of them that they could form a union, but there was only about so much of her they could take before they broke up with her, changed their names and moved out of state. Her brother-in-law called her a psycho; her sister called her needy. Her nieces called her crazy. Her nephew called her Aunt Dana, but despite the odds, Dana Veronica Harridge had trapped herself that daring dream of dreams that she had longed wished for... a husband! Ryan Gidson was tall, handsome and dashing, like a comic book character brought to life, but best of all, he was a doctor! Somewhere amongst her neuroses, low self-esteem and pretty shell, he found a captivating beauty that needed to be loved and made her a wife and then a mother. Eager to prove her worth and thanks to him for proving she was worthy of being loved, she sexed herself up with a skimpy black teddy and upon hearing him coming up the stairs of their Dutch Colonial, she scattered the room with rose petals and spritzed the air of the room with the scent of love. When Ryan started coming closer, she launched herself on to the bed and took the pose of the most current unrealistic car babe on the cover of a hot rod magazine. She thrust her chest out, curled her arm back behind her head and became the sexiest woman in the world.
"Oh god, what a day I had…" Ryan barely noticed her effort. "Just one thing after another… you know, some guys think being a gynecologist is the greatest job in the world, but sometimes I wonder why I'm doing it." He emptied his pockets on to the top of his bureau, pulled off his tie and started unbuttoning his shirt before looking back to his wife. "What's the matter? Your back gone out again?" Dana made a face and collapsed of disappointment.
"I'm being sexy!!" She reminded him with that caustic voice that had driven off so many previous boyfriends. Ryan looked at her a second more, and then, it hit him. She was looking hot! The lace and design of her teddy looked as if it were just barely holding back her bosom. Her every curve was intoxicating; every alluring nuance of her subtly perfect goddess-like posture was begging to be touched. She wanted to be appreciated! He hurried off with his shirt, loosened and dropped his pants as he stepped off his shoes and dropped to the bed to make love to his wife. Dana grabbed him by his undershirt and pushed him down to the bed. Ryan beamed like a young boy being ravaged by his favorite movie star actress and then accidentally made the noise that would ruin his night.
"Uhhhh!!" He groaned as she landed on him.
"What was that?!" Dana lost her playful grin and reaped her beautiful long tresses of hair back as she looked down on him. "Do you think I'm heavy or something?!"
"No, no, anything but that!!" Ryan started freaking for some form of damage control. "I meant…. Uhhhhh, you're so sexy!" He made a weak attempt to avoid a fight.
"Just say it!! Just say it!!" Dana slid over, reacted hurt and upset and folded her arms before her. "You think I'm fat! You think I'm fat and ugly!! Well, I'm sorry if I'm not as hot as I was before the birth of your son, Doctor Ryan Gidson, but I deserve to be appreciated!!"
"I wonder what Jim would do in a time like this?" Ryan stared dejectedly at the ceiling trying to think of a way out of this fight.
"Did you say I should go to a gym?!" Dana heard a strained version of his mumblings and became hurt. "I hate you, Ryan! I really hate you!!" She began crying and trying to hold back her tears. Her feet vaulted off the bed, hit the floor and marched her ahead into the adjacent bathroom. Slamming the door behind her, she sat on the toilet seat and started crying. Left alone to wonder just what the heck had happened, Ryan stared up the ceiling of his bedroom listening to the echoes of sobbing a second, brushed away a few rose petals from the bed and reached for the phone by his side. With it in hand, he typed out the number to his brother-in-law, the self-declared expert on women.
"Hey, Jim…" Ryan reacted complacently as Dana bawled her eyes out a bit louder. "It's me. Look, I'm in a bit of a one-sided fight with Dana. What do you think I should do?"
"Who is this?" Jim Belushi relaxed in a big comfy recliner in his living room; a beer in one hand, the TV remote in the other as he watched sports highlights. Contractor by business, authority on everything else by nature, he exuded a bit of pompous annoyance in his voice as he paid more attention to his TV than to his brother-in-law's dilemma.
"Oh, you know who this is!!" Ryan sat up on his bed as Dana cried louder through the wall.
"Okay, okay, okay," Jim mused a bit knowing Ryan had come to him. "What's she doing right now?"
"She's locked in the bathroom crying."
"Here's what you do…" Jim reacted with experience from his wife, Dana's sister. "Nothing… Just nothing at all! Just let her get it out of her system. Let her fall herself asleep and she'll wake up in the morning completely out of it."
"Jim, that's horrible advice." Cheryl the sister was eavesdropping on the upstairs phone as she read a book in bed. "Look, Ryan, Dana is really insecure. No matter what happened, just tell her you love her and you will make everything all right."
"But I didn't do anything wrong."
"Cheryl, he didn't do anything wrong."
"Doesn't matter…" Cheryl was often the wisest one in matters of the heart. "Ryan, tell her you love her, and you will make everything all right."
"All right, hold on…" Ryan set aside the phone, rose to his feet and stood at the bathroom door of his room. He rapped the door lightly with his fingertips and waited for the door to unlock and crack open a bit. Dana peeked out through the opening; her blue eyes filled with tears and lovely eyes streaked with her sorrow.
"Dana, I love you, and I will make everything all right." He poured out from the heart. "You are so perfect to me and not fat at all."
"I'm fat?!" Dana started blubbering again and reclosed the door to relock it. Her shrieking sobs filling the house, Ryan rolled his eyes, waved his arms and head to the directions of the heavens trying to understand women and dropped defeatedly to the bed to retake the phone.
"Did I say paraphrase something else?!" Cheryl reacted in disbelief to what happened. There was an extra figure out the corner of her eye as she looked up from her bed to her husband staring at her from the bedroom door to the hall. He looked at her smug in his warped logic and understanding of the episode. He lifted the cordless phone from the downstairs to his ear.
"Ryan…" He spoke next. "Get out of the house!! I'll leave the back door open for you over here!"