5 days ago
I immediately regretted speaking. I had been in conflict with myself all morning, trying to decide whether or not to ask the question that had been a painful thorn in my side for a while now. It was too late, though; I automatically had his full attention.
"Yes?" he looked down at me curiously, obviously wondering what I was thinking. I pressed my lips. Was it too late to go back now? Yup, if I just said that it was nothing, he would see right through my lie, as always. Dammit.
I fidgeted on his living room couch as I tried to word my question the right way. "You said… that my blood was very difficult to resist…. That I'm your brand of heroin….." I trailed off, weighing his reaction to this so far. He continued to stare at me, unaware to what I was going to ask. I took a deep breath. "Does it… hurt to resist?" I blurted out before I could change my mind.
I stared up at him with wide eyes, not sure if my question hit a nerve or not. To my astonishment, deep amusement filled his gold eyes as he chuckled lightly.
"Well, frankly Bella, it's like shoving a white- hot branding iron down my throat." He gazed down at me, smiling a little, but I could see that he was gauging my reaction, seeing if he had hurt my feelings.
I grimaced. "Can you be serious, please?" His brow furrowed. He seemed to be thinking of how to word his next phrase.
"I'm not going to lie to you," he paused to stroke my cheek with his long, pale finger. "Never touching you again: the most unbearable pain, looks comfortable, even easy… as opposed to resisting your blood, love," he told me earnestly, but I had a feeling that he was still editing.
"Why do you ask?" he murmured, moving to kiss the soft spot under my ear. I shrugged, trying to suppress a shiver.
"Just curious," I mumbled, trying not to get distressed. No matter how hard I tried to shove the thoughts out, one still managed to slither past the cracks.
I was hurting him.
Sitting on the long black leather couch in Edward's room, I tried to sit as far from him as possible, and I knew that he noticed the distance I was trying to set. It pained me so much to see the confusion and hurt in his eyes when I did this.
He pressed his lips and leaned forward to kiss me, but at the last moment, I turned my head and his kiss landed on the corner of my mouth instead. I held back a whimper of sadness as he pulled back with a look of poignant filled his gold eyes. Then, to my surprise, swift determination replaced the heartbreaking stare.
He slowly placed both hands on the sides of my face, and lifted my gaze to meet his evenly.
"What's troubling you, Bella?" his sweet breath swirled around my face, making me dizzy. I tried to focus on breathing.
In out, in out….
"Tell me what's wrong." Almost an unbearable request to deny. I could tell him couldn't I? If I could just remember why I was resisting in the first place…. What was I going to tell him?
"Please Bella?" he breathed, his lips brushing against mine as he spoke those two words. I sighed in defeat, and kissed him. I hadn't kissed him in five days. It seemed like an eternity. He wrapped his arms around my waist in victory, crushing me gently closer to him.
The coldness of his body cleared my head slightly, and I suddenly broke away with quiet some effort. "I can't!" I whispered turning my head away in shame, letting my hair cover my face.
I moaned, releasing Bella and let my head rest against the wall. I was so sure I was going to get what she was hiding out of her. It was so infuriating! If only I could read her mind!
Did she not want me to touch her anymore?
She had been detached almost all week, stiffening in my arms at night, never letting me kiss her when I desired, always sitting as far away from me as the chairs allowed in biology…. Did I do something wrong?
Did she not want me anymore?
Try as I might, the tears I had attempted so fiercely to hide, quickly pooled over the rims of my eyes, trickling down my cheek slowly. My heart ached to do this to him! Why did I have to hurt him so much? Every touch, every beat of my heart, every breath burned him, smothered him in pain.
How could I do that to such an angel?
A cold finger slowly lifted my chin to meet his wounded eyes, making my very core throb with anguish. He brushed the tears away softly, lovingly. A quiet sob escaped my lips.
He hesitantly wrapped his strong arms around me, pulling me on his lap. I immediately pressed myself closer, forgetting my previous attempt to stop hurting him. He rested his cheek against the top of my head. We sat in silence for an immeasurable amount of time, just sitting there, trying to interpret each other's actions, before he sighed.
He put both hands on my waist, positioning me so that I was facing him. Edward stared into my eyes with so much intensity that I could have sworn that I had swayed in my spot on his lap. I wouldn't notice, though. His eyes were far too deep for me to take notice of anything else but him. Anything else but Edward.
"Please tell me," was all he whispered. Simple three words, and my will broke. How could I ever refute him?
I pressed my lips, fighting those stupid tears again, nodding. Opening my mouth to talk, and nothing came out. I gulped and took a deep breath, willing words to form on my lips. I had to break his magnetic gaze before I finally spoke.
"I don't want to hurt you!" I choked out, barely managing to form a complete sentence. Confusion swept over his face almost immediately.
"Bella you could never hurt me," he murmured. I shook my head.
"I'm your singer," I explained, dismayed. Edward gazed at me, oblivious to the obvious.
"I can't… grasp what you're trying to convey to me…." he trailed off, clearly frustrated at not being able to understand.
"You said it was painful to resist my blood! That it burns like a searing branding iron being shoved down your throat! I'm doing that to you every second that I'm close to you! Every beat of my heart makes it harder for you! How can I do that? I love you too much to hurt you!" I blurted in a rush of chagrin. I closed my eyes, not wanting to see his reaction to this awful epiphany.
I expected to hear an intake of breath. A gasp of pain. Something! But I didn't expect this.
He was laughing. I opened my eyes incredulously to see him throwing his head back, laughing. Grinning!
And for some reason, it made me cry harder. I buried my head in his chest and let the tears fall freely. My body shook with his laughter, but mine was with sobs. He thought it was funny that I was hurting him. That I could never touch him again…. To never kiss him again…. He found this amusing.
"Bella. Bella, Bella. Isabella," He whispered my name over and over into my hair, wrapping his arms around me, willing me even closer, kissing my face. "You are, by far, the most incredible creature I have ever seen," he murmured.
I stared up at him, blinking through the tears to see him smiling down at me, his eyes so warm with love, his face so beautiful, that it hurt to look at him. He swept every tear away with his lips before going on.
"You risk your life every second you're with me, every time I touch you…. And you worry about causing me, a monster, discomfort?"
I watched him, unsure of what to say. I was baffled by his expression. He looked relieved, almost… happy? I couldn't fathom why he was so jubilant right now, after I had just told him the most awful, heart shattering notion I had ever come across to, and he was smiling.
He took in my flummoxed expression and sighed, frowning, but I could still see a faint trace of light that had never left. "Bella, you are my brand of heroin," he paused to smile to himself, "but the pain to refuse the scent… seems to dissolve every time I see you smile. Every time you say you love me. Every time I look at you. It evaporates into thin air," he murmured, stroking my hair softly.
I shook my head stubbornly, possibly ruining the moment. "You said! You said it was painful-" Edward cut me off with a tender kiss.
"Every second is easier! I'm quiet literally desensitized. But, as I said. Can I not resist the wine but enjoy the bouquet?" he whispered. I could only gawk at him, awed. I felt slightly faint, realizing this. I wasn't causing him harm? It didn't hurt him…? The answer was almost automatic, unconscious even.
No it didn't.
I arched my back up so I could press my lips to his cold ones, and I couldn't fathom how I was ever able to even try to put a distance between us. It was completely unfeasible. He kissed me back, buoyant that I finally understood.
It was me who had to break away again, but now for air instead.
He gently wrapped his arms around my waist, leaning over me to press my back against the seat of the couch, kissing down my jaw. I smiled at him.
"Mind over matter?" I asked teasingly, quoting him once again. He laughed, placing another long kiss on my lips sweetly, making me exceptionally dizzy, before agreeing.
"Mind over matter."
So I thought of this reading a quote from Breaking Dawn, which so happens to belong to Stephenie Meyer. R&R
And please read my story, Time. XD Unashamed advertisement, gotta love it.