Cooking with the SOS Brigade! – A Haruhi Suzumiya Fanfic

Disclaimer: I do not own anything within the Haruhi franchise. 'Nuff said.

The SOS Brigade records its own cooking show with Haruhi as the head chef.

I just got off my lunch break from work and somehow got the inspiration to write this. I usually write names in the American style (first name then last name) but for this fic, I'm going to use the traditional Japanese style (last name then first name). BTW, you're watching/reading this from the video camera's point of view, almost like the movie episode of TMoHS. Anyways, enjoy!

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Now, live from the cooking classroom in North High School located in Nishinomiya, Japan…

THIS IS "COOKING WITH THE SOS BRIGADE!" Here's your host with the most (good eats of course), the chief AND the chef, SUZUMIYA HARUHI!

"YAHOO! Yo everyone! It's the chief, Suzumiya Haruhi here! Welcome to 'Cooking with the SOS Brigade!', where we have no interest in ordinary food! The main entrée today is roasted chicken marinated in a garlic onion soy sauce and we'll have a special side dish from Kyon and Koizumi's Korner as well as the beverage of the day presented by Mikuru-chan! Let's go over our ingredients, shall we? You're going to need a whole chicken, preferably still on the bone, two whole cloves of garlic chopped up, two onions chopped up, a cup of soy sauce, some salt and some parsley for flavor. We want to make the marinade first, so we'll get our trusty blender and throw the garlic, onions and soy sauce in. Next, you should add a pinch of salt: BAM! Throw some parsley in there: BAM! Now, you want to blend the mixture until it's completely liquefied. Do a little taste test and then put the marinade into a bowl and you want to get your trusty marinating brush. You want the chicken still raw because you want the flavor to soak into the meat. You're going to double or triple coat the chicken with the marinade, it really depends on how garlicky you want it to taste. Make sure you don't use all of the marinade! You want to then stick the marinated chicken in the fridge for about 24 hours before you continue. Before we continue however, we have to take a commercial break! Stay tuned, folks!"

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Scene cuts to Mikuru in a bunny costume with Nagato wearing her witch costume in the background holding a sign for Hirano Butchery.

"Ano, p-p-please support Hirano Butchery! The owner, H-Hirano Kenji-san (37) is a nice man who a-a-always gives you the highest-grade b-beef, pork and ch-chicken. He also is supporting his unemployed wife and six young children and the ec-ec-economic r-recession has been hitting him hard. The s-supply exceeds the demand at this time, so p-please support Hirano Butchery! Also, m-make sure your meat is always w-w-well cooked!"

A raw steak is thrown from off-screen and hits Mikuru in the face.

"Kyaa! What am I sup-supposed to do with this? Oh, m-make sure your meat never looks like this!"

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"And we're back! After letting the chicken marinate for 24 hours, it's time to pop it in the oven and serve it! Take the chicken out and let the air hit it for about five minutes. Take out your leftover marinade and the marinating brush and just apply one coat of the marinade to the chicken. Then, it's time to stick it in the oven. For all the oven temperatures and directions, here's Yuki Nagato!"

Camera pans to Nagato, still wearing her witch outfit.

"Preheat oven to 375.0 degrees Fahrenheit or 190.0 degrees Celsius. Put chicken in oven and heat for 35.67 minutes. That is all."

Camera pans back to Haruhi.

"Umm, yeah! Thanks, Yuki! While the chicken cooks, let's go over to Kyon and Koizumi's Korner for a delicious side dish."

Camera pans to Kyon and Koizumi in another section of the kitchen. A crude, hand-drawn sign behind them reads 'Kyon and Koizumi's Korner'. Koizumi is wearing a 'Kiss the Cook' apron and Kyon is wearing a pink apron with ornate flowers as a design.

"Greetings, food connoisseurs. Koizumi Itsuki here."

"Yo. I'm Kyon. Don't mind the apron; this was the only one left. Anyway, side dish. Yeah. What goes well with roasted garlic onion soy sauce chicken? Koizumi and I asked ourselves this question and we came up with one answer: peanut butter and jelly sandwiches."

"You got that right, Kyon. The simple mixture of the peanut butter and the jelly will be a complement to the complexity and utter richness of the chicken that Suzumiya-san is making. The texture of the bread will go together well with the rough yet tender feel of the chicken meat. The-"

"Okay, let's not get him started. It's better to nip his long speeches in the bud. In this case, we need to for the sake of time. But I digress, it's time to make our peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. You may think it's easy to make these sandwiches, but there's sort of a Minesweeper complex involved. You see the small board and say how easy, but then you click on a mine and your dreams of winning are smashed. Just like with these sandwiches, you could metaphorically click on a mine by adding too much peanut butter, too much jelly or not enough of both! Luckily, you have the both of us to be your right-click flags that save you from clicking on a mine."

"That is right. Your ingredients are simple: a loaf of bread, a jar of peanut butter and a jar of jelly. You can go for whatever flavor of jelly you wish. For the sake of conventionality, we will go with grape. The archetypal jelly within a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, grape continues to be a staple within the sandwich even with the dawn of new flavors like apricot jelly or boysenberry jelly. If you wish to make your own peanut butter, perhaps you should consult the Internet or somewhere you can learn how to make it. Making peanut butter would consume much more time than we have, plus it is neither mine nor Kyon's forte."

"Okay, assuming you didn't zone out during what Koizumi just said like I did, you'd know that you have your bread, peanut butter and jelly in front of you. Now here comes your first potential pitfall when making a PB&J sandwich. You normally would reach for your butter knife to spread the peanut butter and jelly, right? Wrong. That move is as wrong as saying that Fukuda was the emperor of Japan during World War II. You want to grab three tablespoons. Three. No more, no less. Why three? So that you can distribute an even amount of peanut butter and jelly and mix it without worrying about impacting the balance of the two or without worrying about contaminating the PB jar with J and vice versa. I personally dislike when that happens."

"That's right, Kyon. It's like the balance of nature, am I not mistaken? It's good to keep things on an even keel. It's like giving as much as you receive, right?" Koizumi's face goes right near Kyon's.

"EHH? Get out of my face! Way too close! Don't say questionable things like that when we're on camera! People will get the wrong idea!" Kyon collects himself, brushes himself off and sighs. "Well, after you add the peanut butter and jelly with their respective spoons and spread them across the one slice of bread with the other spoon, put the other slice on top and you're completed. Cut the sandwich in half and repeat the entire process until you get a desirable number of sandwiches for you and your family."

"Yes, and you will enjoy a simple side dish that enriches your dining experience by complementing the chicken that Suzumiya-san is teaching you how to make. Anyway, that will be all for us. I'm Koizumi."

"I'm Kyon and this has been Kyon and Koizumi's Korner!"

Camera pans to Haruhi, who is asleep on the kitchen counter. The cameraman/announcer, Taniguchi, walks on scene and nudges her.

"H-huh? Oh. Yawn. Thanks, Kyon and Koizumi. Peanut butter and jelly sandwiches as a side, huh. You guys are id-, I mean quite eccentric! Good job, thanks! The chicken's still in the oven, so we'll go to Mikuru-chan for the beverage of the day! That of course, is after this quick commercial break! Hold on, folks!"

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Camera cuts to a shot of the sun rising. The "movie guy" announcer begins to read:

"In a world where aliens, time travelers and espers exist…one girl finds herself protecting the boy she admires from an evil alien witch. This girl is none other than Asahina Mikuru."

Mikuru, in her combat waitress outfit, is then shown standing over a lying-on-the-ground Nagato, in her witch outfit, with two toy pistols in her hand, blowing the muzzles in the style of a Western movie. Several scenes are shown, including Mikuru hugging Itsuki while Nagato looks on, a fierce "battle" between Nagato and Mikuru, and Mikuru tripping and falling into the same pond she fell into before.

"From Ultra Director Haruhi Suzumiya, who brought you The Adventures of Asahina Mikuru and The Revenge of Nagato Yuki, comes the final installment of the legendary trilogy."

Koi no Mikuru Denetsu (the theme song to the Mikuru movie) begins to play. A fake CGI explosion is seen in the background.

"The Astonishment of Asahina Mikuru! Coming soon!"

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"Yo! We're back! The chicken's almost done, so let's head to Mikuru-chan for the beverage of the day! Take it away, Mikuru-chan!"

Camera pans to Mikuru, in her maid outfit. The camera then zooms in on Mikuru's chest.

"H-hi there! Welcome to the beverage corner, I'm A-Asahina Mikuru! Today's beverage of the day is oolong tea. Making tea is very simple; all y-you need to do is boil some water in a kettle, as I'm doing here, t-then get some fresh tea leaves, which can be b-bought at your local s-s-supermarket and steep them in the boiling water. It usually takes five minutes to steep s-s-strong tea but you can steep for less if you like your tea weaker or more if you like it stronger. Let's give this a try. Yummy! It's a s-s-success. Brewing tea is fun and delicious. That's all!"

Taniguchi is heard saying 'shit!' in the background, zooms out quickly and sloppily pans to Haruhi.

"Thanks, Mikuru-chan! Isn't she the most adorable thing? Don't you just want to hug her, squeeze her, kiss her and bite her ear? She's so delicious! But she's definitely not as delicious as the chicken that we've made! It's ready now, so let's take it out of the oven. You want to let it cool for about ten or fifteen minutes because it is really, really hot. Then you want to cut a piece off and see how it tastes. Let's sample this!" Haruhi gets a fork and knife and then cuts a piece off. As she brings the fork towards her mouth, the camera goes black. An error message pops up reading:

No tape left. Please change tape.

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(Hare Hare Yukai plays.)

(A/N: Oh boy, that was fun to write. Please don't try this recipe at home, ladies and gentlemen because I made it up on the fly. I went to lunch at some place in Manhattan where they cook the food in front of you, and for some reason it inspired me to write a SOS Brigade-centric cooking piece. Anyways, read this and review it. Feedback is always good. Take a look at my other stories. I'll try to update them soon, I promise! On that note, I'm out! Peace, love and bubblegum!)