Title: Hey Mr Clean, You're Dirty Now Too
Author: Beer Good
Rating: PG13 for nudity and puns
Word Count: 400
Fandom: Lord of the Rings (Movieverse)/Buffy


Hey Mr Clean, You're Dirty Now Too

Coming home felt... strange, somehow. Hobbiton was exactly as they'd left it, all rolling green hills and fat little hobbits smoking pipes, tilling their gardens and doing other picturesquely home-y things. Frodo, Sam, Merry and Pippin couldn't quite put their finger on what was missing. They put it down to having seen too much in too short a time and made their way up to Bag End, where Frodo invited them all in for a nightcap.

"I just hope there's still something to eat around here. Sam, could you get the wine from the cellar, and..." He paused. "Did you hear something?"

"Aye. I don't think we're alone," Merry growled and put his hand on his sword. They could all hear the sounds coming from the bathroom; water splashing onto the floor and muffled conversation – it seemed to involve frequent use of the word "dirty."

"Easy, Merry, put up your sword." Frodo held him back. "It's probably just the Sackville-Bagginses. They always wanted to get their hands on this place, I'm sure they moved in as soon as we left."

Sam grinned with confidence. "Then let's go show them the door, Mr Frodo."

Quietly, the four friends tip-toed up to the bathroom door and eased it open to catch the intruders unaware. But when they peered into the bathroom they could barely hold back a gasp (or rather, four gasps) of surprise. For the two persons occupying Frodo's bathroom were not his fat and annoying relatives. In fact, they weren't hobbits at all.

They were vampires.

Two very naked and wet vampires.

The dark-haired one with the impressive forehead had squeezed himself into Frodo's bathtub, his white skin standing out against the very dirty water, and the peroxide blond with the cockney accent was giving him a very thorough rubdown with a bar of soap and Frodo's roughest sponge. They both looked like they were enjoying it a great deal until Pippin cleared his throat.

For a few seconds, the hobbits and the vampires just stared at each other.

Then the blond vampire looked off to their left and called out in a voice that betrayed both embarrassment and a fury not to be trifled with:

"Oi! Jackson! You said you weren't gonna show the scouring of the Sire!"