Birds and Bees and Educated Fleas

Here is chapter three, the final chapter. Sorry this took so long, hope you enjoy!

Bleach and its characters (c) Kubo Tite


"—Ow, Ichigo, your elbow's in my—"

"—Ssh, stop complaining, midget!"

Rukia gave her partner a sour look, although by now it was too dark to see much of anything. She couldn't believe that they were hiding in the bushes, waiting for Kurosaki Isshin to be distracted so that they could enter the house undetected. How immature.

Luckily, the telephone rang in the downstairs clinic, giving the two an opportunity to creak open the door and tiptoe upstairs. Sweat stood out on their foreheads and their hearts pounded in their chests.

"Try to conceal your reiatsu, fool," Rukia whispered, although she knew it was futile. That boy oozed spirit energy like a leaky faucet.

Ichigo and Rukia reached the door to Karin and Yuzu's room. It was closed. Ichigo's mind conjured up horrible mental images of Orihime trying to explain sex using various household objects and-or stuffed animals. He groaned silently and shook his head, earning himself a questioning stare from Rukia. She quietly slinked to the other side of the closed bedroom door and gingerly placed her ear to the wood, motioning for Ichigo to do the same.

He did, and was surprised to hear giggling emanating from behind the thin door.

"I love this part, Orihime!"

Ichigo's coffee-colored eyes met indigo ones. "…"

"I know, Yuzu! How does he do that so well?"

Ichigo heard Karin reply, "It's all in the footwork. I should know, playing soccer and all."

"Yes, but the other guy does it well too."

Unknown to them, on the other side of the door their older brother's eyes almost popped out of his head.

"But Karin-chan, he has a bigger sword."

At this Rukia flushed a dull rose-red color and looked at the floor. She could feel Ichigo doing the same. He squashed his ear to the door, but could only faintly make out that they were watching some kind of film, and nothing else.

"It doesn't matter who has a bigger sword," Ichigo heard his sister reply. "He's going to get it stuck in the door anyway when he tries to prevent Jack from leaving."

And sure enough, Ichigo heard three cries of exclamation a moment later.

"All right!"

"Haha, he can't get it out now! It's stuck!"

Ichigo started to make small sounds akin to a beached fish. Rukia wore an expression of stupefaction mixed with embarrassment. However, Orihime and the girls weren't finished yet.

"Oh, dear, I wonder what Jack's going to do now…"

Yuzu replied, "Don't you remember, Orihime-san? He's gonna use the hot poker in a minute."

Rukia's eyebrows shot up, and Ichigo was feeling more than a little uncomfortable in his pants. Just what was Orihime showing his sisters?

"Ah, he just burned the ass!"

That was the last straw.

"ALRIGHT, WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU THREE WATCHING?" Ichigo burst into his sisters' bedroom, the hue of his face almost matching his hair. Rukia popped out from behind the irate teenager with a curious look.


"Kurosaki-kun? Wh—"

"Now, I want to know what kind of sick video you've been watching," Ichigo began, striding into the room. "And don't give me that innocent look. Ahh, I never should have—"

He was interrupted by a peculiar sound, only peculiar because it was so out of place and his mind could not register why he was hearing this sound now. Ichigo whirled around behind him to the source of the noise, and felt his anger abate into shock.

"Rukia…?" The small shinigami was laughing, laughing so hard that she was doubled over, clutching her sides. Ichigo blinked. The petite shinigami was not know to laugh like this, unless it was at his expense or someone else's.

"Ichigo, you fool!" Rukia wheezed, eyes tearing up. "You moron!"

Orihime and the Kurosaki sisters eyed the pair with wide-eyed confusion. "Did we do something wrong, Kuchiki-san?" Orihime inquired softly.

Rukia snorted, wiping her eyes. "No, Inoue." She turned to Yuzu and Karin, jabbing a thumb at a bewildered Ichigo. "Your idiot brother over there thought that Inoue was giving you The Talk by showing you nasty-videos. Shows what kind of mind he has."

"We already learned about that stuff, in health class, Ichi-nii," Yuzu chimed.

"Yeah, Orihime didn't have to tell us a thing!"

Ichigo had finally found his voice. "Th-then, what were you guys watching?" He pointed with a jittery finger to the television, glancing at it for the first time. Paused on the screen was a very sweaty and curry-covered William Turner in mid-jump with Captain Jack Sparrow below him, brandishing a white-hot iron and looking maniacally gleeful.


"Pirates of the Carribean," Rukia finished for him smugly. "I hear it's a popular movie amongst—"she corrected herself mid-sentence, about to say amongst humans—"girls." She gazed at the two fighting actors, frozen mid-battle for all eternity until someone decided to press 'play' on the remote-control. "Hmm, see why now. They are pretty cute, although I have seen bigger swords—"

"Alright, Rukia," Ichigo curtailed Rukia before she could continue. "Sorry, Inoue," he apologized guiltily.

Orihime beamed. "That's alright, Kurosaki-kun. Would you and Kuchiki-san like to finish the movie with us?"

"Sure, Inoue," Rukia replied, comfortably seating herself next to the three girls, grabbing a grumbling Ichigo with her.

So, they all spent the rest of the night watching Pirates of the Caribbean in Karin and Yuzu's room. Orihime hadn't needed to give the girls The Talk after all, and this meant neither would Kurosaki Isshin. The only one who was mentally scarred that night was Ichigo, but after seeing his sisters, Orihime, and Rukia, his family and friends so happy and having fun, he soon forgot about the whole ordeal.

The End.



Ichigo: "Eh? Who the hell are you?"

Rukia: "More importantly, how can you see us?"

Sodi: (naively) "Am I not supposed to see you, shinigamis?"

Rukia: (whispers to Ichigo) "I can't sense any reiatsu from him at all…"

Ichigo: (whispers back) "None?" Rukia shakes her head. "Now, you didn't answer my question, kid. Who are you?"

Sodi: "Me? I'm nobody, really." Grins. "Just one of the author's original characters making an unexpected cameo at the end of her fanfiction that readers won't pay any attention to anyway. By the way, what Child are you guys?"

Ichigo: (whispers to Rukia) "What Child? Man, this author must be weird. This kid's eyes don't even match at all. And what's up with him being able to see us if he has no reiatsu?"

Rukia: "Are you a spirit? Or a shinigami? Answer me!"

Sodi: "Neither, unfortunately. Although, I daresay it would be nice to have super powers like you all do."

Ichigo: "Super powers?"

Rukia: "Then, how are you able to see and talk to us?"

Sodi: "Perhaps I am something of a ghost, at least by your standards."

Ichigo: "What the hell is that supposed to mean?"

Sodi: "Ssh, it's a secret."

Ichigo: "Teme, I oughtta kill you."

Rukia: "Ichigo!"

Sodi: (shrugs) "I wouldn't mind. It's not like I can die anyway."

Ichigo: "I've had enough of this author's characters. Why do they have to be so confusing?"

Rukia: "Don't jinx us, Ichigo. I've heard she has even stranger ones in the story she writes. And besides, we've only met one."

Sodi: (laughs) "I'm strange? This author tells me you have talking stuffed animals in your world, not to mention people who can fly."

Ichigo: "…Is that not normal?"

Rukia: "Idiot, he probably comes from a different world than ours."

Sodi: "And a different time, I presume. Before I depart, can you show me what this device called a toaster is? We don't have them in Molide."

Rukia: "…"

Ichigo: "…"

The End, really.