One For the Money

By EmyPink

Disclaimer: Torchwood does not belong to me; I've just borrowed them for a little while.

Rating: T

Parings: Slight Jack/Ianto

Genres: Humour, General, Friendship, just a bit of fun

Warnings: None really, but set sometime before season two's Reset

Summary: Gwen's trying to recruit the boys for a very special auction.

A/N My first ever Torchwood fic (and only a week or so later than my first Doctor Who fic). Up until now, I have written exclusively for NCIS, but then tried Doctor Who and now I'm onto Torchwood. Okay, actually, I lie . . . I have written Torchwood before; a one-shot crossover with NCIS featuring Jack and Ziva (but it's never been posted online). But anyways, any feedback you can give me is most gratefully taken, especially with characterisation. I am rather a perfectionist when it comes to character voices, so lay it on me, please. :) Now, on with the story!

"Absolutely no fricking way," Owen snapped without looking up from his autopsy. He reached for a scalpel and, perhaps, sliced open the dead alien with a little more force than necessary.

"But, Owen . . ." Gwen tried again. "It's for . . ."

"I don't care if it's for bloody charity, I am still not doing it," Owen huffed, glowering at the woman standing next to him.

"Oh, come on, I would have thought you'd totally go for it," Gwen countered with a slight smile.

"Well, you thought wrong, didn't you," Owen replied bitterly, distracted.

Gwen sighed. This was turning into a bigger task than she'd envisioned. She tried a different approach. "Owen, please." Gwen put on a pouty and slightly-pleading voice. "I promised Andy." Gwen smiled at him sweetly.


"But . . ." Gwen searched for the right argument. "It'll make our relationship with a Cardiff Police better."

Owen looked at her incredulously, scalpel in hand. "Does it look like I care about inter-agency relationships?" He paused. "Ask Jack, I am sure it's right up his alley."

"Oh, I already have," Gwen smiled brightly, knowing that she hadn't actually asked Jack yet. "He was all for it."

"See, there you go," Owen concluded. "You have Jack, so you don't need me."

Gwen looked annoyed. "But I told Andy I'd get all of you. You, Jack and Ianto." She looked at him with pleading eyes. "It's our chance to show the police that we are not a bunch of stuck-up prats."

"I don't see you volunteering," Owen shot back, picking up another autopsy instrument and walking to the other side of the table. Gwen followed. "Why don't you do your bit for inter-agency relationships?"

"Do I look like a guy to you?" Gwen retorted. "It's called Men for Millions for a reason."

"Isn't that a bit sexist? Objectifying men like that?"

"Since when did you care about sexism? Or objectifying?" Gwen rolled her eyes.

"Since now," was Owen's curt reply.

"Owen . . ."

"I said no, Gwen," Owen said slowly and pronounced. "Now, will you just leave me alone?" He gave her a look.

But Gwen still had another idea up her sleave. She shrugged. "Okay, then, I'll just tell Jack," she paused, "and Ianto that you were too chicken." She smiled serenely at Owen.

"Wait? Tea boy said yes?" Now Owen's voice held a spark of interest.

"Why of course," Gwen lied smoothly. "He's rather excited about it." Her face remained passive. "But since you don't want to do it . . ."

Owen looked conflicted. On one hand, he had no desire to do what Gwen was suggesting, but on the other hand, he could hardly get shown up by the tea boy.

"Well . . ." he started slowly and carefully. "It is for charity, I suppose." Owen gave Gwen a haughty look. "And after all, Torchwood has a reputation to uphold. I can hardly leave that to the Tea boy and the immortal, now can I?"

Gwen smiled widely. "Excellent. I'll let Andy know." She hurried off before Owen could change his mind.

One down, two to go.


Gwen knocked gently on the door to Jack's office, feeling a lot more confident now that she'd gotten Owen out of the way.

"Come in," Jack called, so Gwen pushed open the door.

Jack looked up and smiled. "What can I do for you, Miss Cooper?" He put down the pen he was writing with. "We got an alert?"

Gwen returned the smile and shook her head. "Nope. Everything's quiet down that way."

"So you just wanted to see me, huh?" Jack leaned back in his chair.

"Not exactly . . ."

"You wound me, Gwen Cooper." Jack feigned a look of hurt and Gwen replied by looked at him exasperatedly. There was a moments silence before Jack broke it.

"Okay, then, out with it," Jack ordered, still lounging in his chair.

"Well, I don't know if you know about Cardiff Police's Men for Millions event . . ." she started, figuring to go for the facts first.

"I might have," Jack replied smoothly.

Gwen faltered for a moment before collecting herself and saying awkwardly, "It's, uh, kinda a charity auction thing."

"I know what it is, Gwen," Jack confirmed with a suggestive smile.

"Ah, okay, good." Gwen cursed herself for finding Jack more difficult than Owen. "Okay, so, I was wondering, actually Andy was wondering . . ."

"If you could auction off my dashing booty?" Jack finished for her with a large grin.

"Well, yeah, something like that," Gwen nodded with enthusiasm.

"It's for charity, right?" Jack started.


"And run by the Cardiff Police Force?"

"You know it is, and didn't we just establish that," Gwen sighed.

"You promised Andy," Jack continued.


"You promised Andy that you'd convince me to auction myself off like a piece of meat."

"Yes . . . wait, what?" Gwen blinked. "Oh, it's nothing like . . ." Jack shushed her with a hand gesture.

"It's men only?"

"Yes." Gwen started to get a little annoyed.

"Sexy men?"

"I guess." Gwen rolled her eyes.




"Yes." Gwen noticed that Jack looked a lot more excited at the revelation that Ianto was being auctioned off. She consciously failed to mention that Ianto hadn't agreed to it yet.

"Clothing's optional, right?"

"What?!" Gwen was a little surprised that she found herself not as shocked as she thought she ought to be. "Well, uh, I don't think Cardiff's finest wants to see you in your birthday suit, Jack." She looked pointedly at him.

"Aw," Jack pouted and looked a little crestfallen, but continued to grin from his desk. "So it's for charity, run by the Cardiff Police, full of sexy men, Owen, Ianto, but no nakedness."

"Something like that," Gwen murmured, running a hand through her dark hair.

Jack looked thoughtful for a moment before saying, "Okay."

"Really?" But all in all, deep down Gwen wasn't too surprised that he'd agreed.

Jack grinned charmingly at her. "And pass over the opportunity to showcase this level of perfection? Never? Just as long as I get to bid as well . . ." He winked at her.

Gwen made a mental note to avoid the Hub for the following forty-eight hours.


Gwen took her chance with Ianto as he served the afternoon coffee. To her luck, he came to her last, handing her the final cup of steaming coffee.

"Thanks, Ianto," she smiled gratefully at him and took a long sip. She placed the cup next to her work station and grabbed his arm gently as he started to turn away.

"Yes, Gwen," he replied, twisting out of her grip and turning around to look at her.

She smiled sweetly at him. "I was wondering of you had plans for the eighth?"

Ianto checked his mental calendar. "I don't believe that I do."

"Oh, good." Gwen put a positive look on her face. "Because I was wondering whether, you know, you'd like to be involved in this charity event thing for the Cardiff Police. I promised Andy that Torchwood would make an appearance . . . inter-agency relations and all . . ." she trailed off.

"And what does this charity event entail?" Ianto looked a little sceptical.

"It's, well, kinda like an auction," Gwen started, taking another sip of the coffee for good measure. "This coffee is really good."

Ianto looked amused by her compliment. "What kind of auction?"

"It's, you see, a human auction of sorts . . ."

"Human auction?" Ianto feigned ignorance.

"Yeah, people bid for forty eight hours of service," Gwen explained enthusiastically. "The raised money goes to charity and the buyer gets a personal slave for forty eight hours. It's a win, win situation." Gwen grinned convincingly at him.

"So basically, I'd be doing what I'd do here in the name of charity?" Ianto asked seriously.

"What? No, it's not really a slave, so to speak . . . not that you're a slave or anything . . ." Gwen groaned to herself as she dug herself into a deeper hole.

Ianto smirked. "We'll see."

"Please?" Gwen turned on the girly pout. "Owen's doing it, and so is Jack."

"Owen? Really?" Ianto looked a little surprised. "Jack I understand, but Owen?"

"Well," Gwen muttered hesitantly. "I did kinda imply that you were going and Owen didn't want to be out shone by the 'tea boy' . . ."

"And I suppose you told Jack the same thing?" Ianto asked with a blank face.

"Yeah, something like that." Gwen blushed a little red.

"So they are expecting me." There was a hint of a smile on Ianto's face.

"Yep." Gwen managed a small grin. "And Jack is definitely expecting you." This time it was Ianto's turn to turn a faint pink.

"He said that?"

"Not in so many words, but yeah." Gwen managed a larger smile and picked up her coffee cup again. "I think he's rather excited about the whole thing." She took a large mouthful.

"I wouldn't have thought anything less," Ianto agreed.

"So you'll come?" Gwen looked hopeful. "Please?"

"I suppose so," Ianto finally said. "Can't let Jack down, can I? And someone has to keep an eye on Owen; I can hardly see Jack taking on that role, not while he's distracted." He looked up at Jack's office and smiled slightly. "He always did like the maid's uniform . . ."

Gwen choked on her coffee, blinking. "Oh, good," she said once she had gotten the coughing under control, and tried furiously to keep the mental picture of Jack, Ianto and a maid's uniform out of her head. "Great. I'll let Andy know," she added hurriedly.

She sprang out of her chair and pulled out her mobile phone. "I'll just do that now, yeah." Gwen waved her phone around as Ianto smiled at her awkwardness. She turned away and dialled Andy's number.

"Andy, it's Gwen," Gwen spoke into the phone when Andy picked up. "It's all sorted. Three Torchwood men coming your way . . ."