Disclaimer: The X-Files belong to Chris Carter and Fox, Californication belongs to Tom Kapinos and Showtime. David Duchovny is just the common factor, and more importantly, the inspiration!

A/N: So my friend pirateangel1286 asked (or was it dared) me to write an X-Files/Californication crossover where Mulder and Scully meet Hank. So I started writing one. The first chapter is an introduction, with Hank's blog. It gives those who've never seen Californication before some of Hank's background. Basically Hank is an even bigger screw-up than Mulder, who looks like Mulder, who is just as loveable as Mulder. That's all you really need to know, other than it's set post XF series.

Warning: Hank uses the f word, which is very IC for Hank.

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Ch. 1

You can't always get what you want. Well, you don't have to tell me that - I found out first hand. I had just published the quintessential American novel, and it wasn't long before Hollywood came a-knocking at my door, asking me to write the screenplay. But if I'd known then what I know now, I would've run screaming in the other direction. Unfortunately, I decided to forgo spending time with my longtime girlfriend and daughter for long workdays on the movie set. I thought I could save the movie (A Crazy Little Thing Called Love starring TomKat) that was based on my book. I was wrong.

What did happen was that my life turned to shit. My Karen started spending some extra time with a colleague named Bill. Out of the blue, I find out one day that she'd been cheating on me with this Bill. (To be fair, we really hadn't been talking, but that's no excuse.) I don't know which was more insulting, the fact that she'd given up on me, or the fact that she was replacing me with the most boring douchebag on the face of the earth. Next thing I know, we're fighting over which weekends that our daughter Becca gets to stay with us. If that wasn't bad enough, several months later the movie tanked. My great American novel had been turned into a piece of crap so over-simplified, trivialized, and romanticized that it was unrecognizable to me. I might as well not have wasted so many hours of my life on that set.

And so, one year later rolls around and I still haven't written anything. (Except for this blog, which I only write because it puts food on the table.) Let me clarify – I haven't written anything worth reading. I'm stuck in a rut, looking for inspiration to strike. But it never does. Hell, I don't know if I'll ever write anything truly great again. Because before I do, I'd have to get my shit together, which is so much easier said than done. I'd have to give up the smoking, the drinking, and the meaningless sex with beautiful women. The first two I guess I could manage (if I really tried, which I haven't) but the women? That would be rather difficult. It's not my fault if practically every babe in this town of age throws themselves at me! What am I supposed to do, turn them down? No. I wouldn't want to damage their already fragile self-esteem. Women in this town are fucked up enough by the film industry, it's the least I can do not to make them suffer the sharp sting of rejection. My agent Charlie tells me he'd kill to have my way with the ladies, but to tell you the truth, when I'm with them, all I see is what I have lost. Karen was my everything, and now she's with Bill. Life is crap.

This week, to add to my misery, I get a call from a long-lost relative who says he's coming out to California for a vacation. It turns out it's my weird cousin Fox Mulder, who I haven't seen since I was twelve and he was nine. At the last family reunion, he wouldn't stop talking my ear off about how he thought alien life on earth existed. I vaguely remember him as the brainy kid who had seen too many episodes of Star Trek, the kid that wouldn't stop following me around. At the time, I would've been happy if I never had to see the guy again. And it turns out, that I never had to, until now.

See, ever since Fox's little sister Samantha was kidnapped, my father didn't want to have anything to do with his sister Teena's family for some reason. I didn't question it – I was just thrilled I didn't have to babysit Fox again. Many years later I heard that Fox had become an FBI agent, a job I considered much too cool for him. Then I learned that he managed to become the dorkiest and most bothersome agent in the history of the Bureau by opening an investigative unit that specialized in unsolved cases related to the paranormal. I knew he hadn't changed much - only Fox could pull off a spectacular feat like that. And now he was coming to Hollywood, partially to spend time with his favorite cousin Hank. (Forgive me if I don't jump for joy.) I could've given him a number of excuses why I couldn't see him when he came in town. But being the kind and considerate guy that I am, I offered to let Fox and his guest stay at my place. Will their visit be a disaster? Will Fox drive me up a wall? I would venture a yes on both accounts, the way my wonderful life is going lately. But then again, perhaps this visit could be just the thing to jumpstart my life again. One can only hope.

Yours with the utmost respect,

-Hank Moody

P.S. Interested in hearing about my weekend with my weird cousin Fox? Just wait until my next entry where I will spill all the fascinating little details. I'm so looking forward to it.

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End Chapter 1

A/N: So what did you think?

Also, the second season for Californication airs on Sept. 28, 2008 in the U.S. for those of you who are interested, like me.