Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto!
A/N: I solemnly swear that this is the last plot bunny I give into until I complete at least 10 chapters of my original story. Amen.
Summary: Sakura has had enough of her teammates' constant bickering, and takes it upon herself to resolve the tension between them. Her method of choice? A 'yo momma' joke face-off!
Part One: Bouillabaisse is French for BLEH
"Dobe, stop putting your elbows on the table, its rude," Sasuke sneered. Sakura sweatdropped when Naruto narrowed his eyes threateningly, hoping the fight wouldn't go on for too long…or be too violent. Because goddamit, blood stains were hard to wash out!
"Shut up, teme!"
"Oh, that one hurt bad."
"You're always pissing me off! You got a problem, spit it out!"
"I don't have a problem, doofus, and if I did it would have blond hair, blue eyes, and a really annoying voice."
The kyuubi carrier growled deep in his chest.
"You're talking about me, aren't you?"
"No, idiot, I was talking about Kiba."
"Hey," Sakura butted in, "C'mon guys, I invited you over for dinner to have fun, not fight!"
"There you go again with your stupid sarcasm!" Naruto snapped, ignoring the girl, "You jerkwad!"
"Don't blame me if you don't understand it. It's too sophisticated for your small head to get."
"Are you calling me stupid?"
"I don't know, am I?" Sasuke raised an eyebrow to underline his point.
"That's it! Bring it on, jackass, I'm gonna mop up the floor with you!"
"Yeah, right. You won't lay a finger on me, retard."
The bell rang, and Sakura stood up quickly. "I'm going to get that," she hissed dangerously, "And when I come back, both of you will have civil tongues in your heads, or I'll rip them out!"
"Kakashi-sensei! Hey, you're only an hour late today!" the pink haired kunoichi cried out when she opened the door.
"Uh…does that mean you don't wanna hear my excuse?"
"Nah, come on in. I'm just glad you're here, the boys have been driving me up the wall!" she led the way to the table.
"…You're sure you don't wanna hear my excuse? I worked really hard on it."
"Maybe some other time. I'll serve dinner now, I cooked it myself!"
"Where do I wash up?" Sasuke asked.
"There's a bathroom upstairs, smelliest door on the right."
"Okay then," the Uchiha frowned and climbed the stairwell. Naruto and Kakashi followed, and Sakura went to get the food from the kitchen.
"Um. Sakura-chan, what is this?" Naruto asked, poking a spoon into the stew.
"It's bouillabaisse," Sakura said, "And quit poking it."
"It's French," she sighed, "Of course if looks gross, these people eat snails." (1)
Sasuke paused, his spoon inches from his mouth. "Snails?"
"Don't worry," Kakashi said cheerily, "Bouillabaisse is made of seafood. Shellfish, and stuff."
"I like seafood!" Naruto yelled, scooping a huge steaming spoon of the meal into his mouth. He chewed for a few seconds, and then his face froze, and went red.
"Naruto!!" Sasuke screeched as he spat it out on the Uchiha, "You stupid little fucktard, I'm gonna kill you!"
"Get over it, teme, it was an accident! I'm sorry, okay!?"
"SHUT THE FUCK UP, BOTH OF YOU!!" Sakura screamed. The boys stopped in the middle of leaping for each other, and fell to the ground. Kakashi scooted his chair away a little from the volatile kunoichi.
"All I wanted," she said in a deceptively calm voice, "Was a nice dinner with my team. But you inconsiderate pieces of baboon poo won't even let me have that. Well you know what? I'm sick and I'm tired of your constant bickering! You have no manners, either of you! And you know what else? I'm gonna do something about it, because clearly this is not just going to go away. Tomorrow, you and Naruto are going to face each other off in a final battle, and I swear I will eat my shoe if this doesn't dissolve the tension between you people!"
Sakura pinned the protestor with an 'are-you-really-stupid-enough-to-argue-with-me?' glare, and he quieted.
"So, excellent bouillabaisse," Kakashi commented. They all turned to him in disbelief, and he shrugged. "What? It's not like we're just gonna leave dinner uneaten and the next thing we all know its tomorrow's battle, is it?"
Part Two: Yo Momma Jokes
"A yo momma joke face-off?" Sasuke asked incredulously, "You've gotta be kidding me."
just saying that 'cause he knows he's gonna lose," Naruto
stage-whispered to Hinata.
"Shut up dobe! I can kick your punk ass in anything!"
"Prove it then," Sakura said, "Kick his punk ass in this."
"Fight! Fight! Fight!" Kiba chanted, forming a mob around the two boys. Kakashi glared at him, and then at Kurenai. "Yo, Kurenai! Control your students!"
"I'd be a hypocrite if I tried," she grinned, "I've got a betting pool going on. Who cracks first? Naruto or Sasuke? Who draws first blood, and who gets the first black eye."
"Naruto's gonna snap first," Ino said confidently, "He's way more hot-headed than Sasuke-kun!"
"I'unno, Naruto never knew his mom, but Sasuke did," Tenten pondered, biting her lower lip, "Sasuke gets mad as hell over his family, we all know that."
"Let the face-off start…now!" Sakura bellowed.
"Yo momma's so fat, when she wears yellow, people call out, TAXI!" Sasuke began with a smirk.
Naruto narrowed his eyes. "My momma? Hah! Your momma's so old, her birth certificate says expired!"
Sasuke gasped. "Hey!"
"See? He's already getting hurt," Tenten scoffed. Shikamaru wandered up to the group. "Twenty bucks says they'll kill each other and leave us in peace," he offered.
"I'll give you really good odds on that," Temari piped up.
"What are you doing here?" Sakura frowned.
"We came to see the fight, duh!"
"Kankurou's here?" Hana, Kiba's pretty sister, asked, "Where?"
"He's buying Gaara an 'I –heart- Naruto' tee shirt," the blonde grinned.
-back to the face-off-
Naruto was still going strong. "Your momma's so old, she waited tables at the Last Supper! Your momma's so old, she sat behind the Buddha in third grade!"
"Yeah?" Sasuke fumed, "Well your momma's so ugly, when she goes to strip joints, they pay her to keep her clothes on, and that's what put you through ninja school!"
"You be careful what you say about my momma, bitch, because your momma's so ugly the last time she heard a whistle was when she got hit by a train!"
your momma was born the doctor slapped her parents!"
"When your momma was born, her momma said 'Oh what a treasure' and her poppa said, 'Yes! Let's go bury it!'!"
The crowd gasped collectively as a nerve twitched in Sasuke's temple.
"Well," he said devilishly, "Your momma's so fat, even Neji can't see through her!"
"OHHHHH!!" the audience ohhhh'd. Naruto scowled at the insult, but the Hyuuga genius was the most wounded.
"You take that back, Uchiha!" Neji yelled, "My byakugan can see through everything!!"
The raven haired boy shot him a weirded-out look. "No," he snapped.
"If you won't take that back, I'll have to go on your momma!" Neji warned.
"Oh, I'm scared now," Sasuke said sarcastically.
"You asked for it, punk! Your momma's so fat, even Naruto doesn't believe it!"
Sakura grabbed the Hyuuga's collar and pulled him back just as Sasuke lunged for him. Tenten gave a satisfied smirk, and Ino handed over some money.
"Only the contestants can participate!" Sakura hollered for all to hear, "In the yo momma jokes! And guys," she added to her teammates, "Leave the villagers out of this, okay?"
"Right," Naruto nodded, "Hey, teme! Your momma's glasses are so thick when she looks at a map she can see people waving!"
"Your momma's so dumb, she failed a survey! She's so dumb she sent me a fax with a stamp on it! And she's so dumb she sits on the TV and watches the couch!"
Naruto winced. "Okay, that one hurt a little."
"Your momma's so ugly," Sasuke continued, "She looked out the window and got arrested for mooning!"
"Dang," Kiba muttered to Shino, "These guys are good."
"Eh, I could take 'em," the bug-nin shrugged.
Naruto began to retaliate. "Your momma's so ugly she uses a line of make-up called 'Why Bother?'!"
"Your momma's so ugly the psychiatrist makes her lie face-down!"
"Your momma's so ugly when she walks into a bank, they turn off the cameras," the blond shot back.
"Oh yeah? Your momma's so fat her shadow weighs a hundred pounds! And she's so fat she puts mayonnaise on her aspirin!"
"No," Sasuke hissed.
"Your momma got so many chins, she's got more chins than Chinatown!" Naruto crowed.
Kakashi smiled proudly. "That's my boy," he laughed. Gai shot him a Look. "Isn't Sasuke your student too?"
"…I fail to see your point here," the copy nin said politely.
"Your momma's so ugly, even the brown bag won't stay on her face!" Sasuke yelled. His sensei flinched. "Aw, c'mon Sasuke, you can go better than that."
"Your momma's so fat when her pager goes beeping, people think she's backing up!" the Uchiha shouted.
"Your momma's so fat when she goes to the movies she sits next to everyone!" Naruto scoffed.
"He's losing his touch," Asuma noted.
"Your momma's so fat she has to iron her pants on the driveway!"
The crowd gasped. "Do we have a winner?!" Sakura shrieked, "Naruto!?"
"Um! Um! Your momma's so fat when she goes to a restaurant, she looks and the menu and says…okay."
"Your momma's so fat she puts her lipstick on with a paint roller!"
"Hey," Anko murmured, "Do I need glasses, or is that for real?"
"It is!" Temari breathed.
Naruto thought fast. "Um, yo momma's so fat you have to take a train and two buses just to get on her good side! And she's so fat the National Weather Board gives a name for each of her farts!"
"Nice," Gaara said approvingly.
Sasuke actually laughed, and a few birds dropped dead from the sky. "Yo momma's so ugly, they're moving Halloween to her birthday!"
Naruto too, began chuckling. "Yo momma's so ugly she makes onions cry."
"Ohhhh, really? Well yo momma went to the beautician's and it took three hours…for an estimate! And yo momma's so old…haha…when she was in school…heh…they didn't have history!" Sasuke doubled over, laughing at his own cleverness.
"Yo momma so stupid she tripped over a cordless phone, starved to death when she was locked in a grocery store, sold her car for petrol money, stole free bread and took a ruler with her to see how long she slept!"
Sasuke fell onto Naruto, cackling like a maniac, and the kyuubi carrier too started snorting with laughter. The two best friends walked away, arm over shoulder, leaving behind a very dissatisfied crowd.
"I want a refund!" someone yelled, and Sakura slowly began to edge away.
Note: I have nothing against the people of France, I swear. It's just for fun!