Absolut-ly Screwed Up

Disclaimer: I do not own Bleach or any of the related titles.

A/N: Hello all. I know, I know, you are all probably very angry with me for starting another story while I have about five I still need to finish, but…I promise I will get to those ASAP. I just have this thing, where if I have a new idea, I need to write it before I lose it completely. This one is actually based on an RP I'm doing with Lendra-chan and I loved it, so I figured I'd work with it and turn it into an actual fanfic. So some credit goes to her, idea wise. This is the first AU story I've ever written for Bleach…or…anything really, so please forgive me if I'm new at this. It's rated M for a reason too. There will be strong language due to Ichigo's insane temper, and well...you know, typical IchiRuki-ness later on. I hope you do enjoy it!

Chapter 1: Aftershock

The sun reared its ugly head early that morning, shimmering through the windows of every New York City apartment it could find, waking the poor, sleep deprived, hungover citizens with no remorse at all, as if punishing them for their late night partying the night before. Although they did not have to work, for it was Sunday, the run reveled in the fact that it would wake them at an unholy hour nonetheless.

It was especially unwelcome on one particular apartment in the middle of the city, where a young man rolled over in his sleep, moaning in pain as he held a hand to his throbbing forehead. Hoping to ease the tension, he rolled onto his stomach, burying his head into the soft fabric of the pillow.

His eyes flickered open for only a second, but it was long enough to notice that there was something amiss with his surroundings. He had only just arrived in the city, and there was no chance in hell he could possibly afford the fine satin the sheets were made out of. Nor was his bedroom nearly as large as the one he was in.

A soft cough caught his attention, and as he lifted his head, he spotted a pale, delicate hand resting beside his face. With a strangled yelp, he attempted to untangle himself from the blankets, only to fall upon the floor with a deafening crash.

Thankfully, the other occupant in the bed didn't seem to notice. Raising his now bruised, still throbbing head just above the bed, he could finally make out the figure of a very young, very beautiful, and very naked, woman.

Shit! His mind screamed. Oh shit! Shit, shit, shit!

The woman didn't seem familiar at all. He had gone to the bar the night before, that he did remember. Perhaps he had somehow picked this beautiful young girl up there. But how!? How had he snapped so easily? He was never one to do things like this.

Pulling the sheets around his waist, he silently, and hastily moved about the room, searching for his missing articles of clothing, finding it strange that none of them seemed to be anywhere around.

"Mmmm…" the woman moaned softly and rolled over in her sleep, gripping the now vacant pillow next to her tightly. Ichigo held his breath as he noticed her eyes twitching, a sure sign she was going to wake up.

"What do I do?" he muttered under his breath. "What do I do?"

He couldn't leave. He wasn't about to walk through the streets of New York City in nothing but a sheet he'd stolen from some girl's apartment. Nor did he even know where he was. He hadn't made it that far into the city on his own yet, and could hardly find Central Park, even if he had a map in front of him.

Suddenly, the girl sat up, stretching her arms high above her head, before crying out loudly and placing her hand to her temple. "Owww…" she whined. "What the hell…"

The boy kept his place, still holding his breath, silently praying that the girl would fall back to sleep instantly, giving him just enough time to find some clothes and skedaddle. But the girl didn't fall back between the pillows. Instead, she stood, baring herself for all the world to see.

"Ah!" the boy yelped, turning away suddenly, turning a dark shade of red at finally seeing her full body.

The girl whipped around, grabbing her blankets suddenly to cover herself. When she spotted the boy cowering by her doorway, she screamed. Nearly dropping his own sheets, he covered his ears as best as he could, moaning in intense pain.

"Can you please, please, stop screaming?" he asked, hardly able to keep his eyes open enough to look at her. "I can explain." He really couldn't, but perhaps it would get her to quiet down.

"Who are you?" she yelled, backing away toward the wall. "What are you doing in my apartment? I-I'll call the police!"

"No!" the boy said quickly, stepping forward a bit, only to find that this scared her even more. "I'm…I'm not an intruder or anything…I'm not even entirely sure why I'm – "

"I've got nothing for you," she said desperately. "Nothing you'd want to steal. If you want my sheets, take them, they were a gift from my brother. But I've got nothing else." Suddenly, she seemed to notice that he too, was completely naked. "And if there's anything else you want, don't you usually wait on the side of the street instead of bursting into people's apartments?"

The boy shook his head, although it only caused it to swim, and his focus to blur in and out. "No, it's not like that…" he paused for a moment. "Well, not entirely like that. You see, I think…I think we…"

She began to laugh before the boy even had the chance to finish his sentence. "You're trying to tell me we had sex?" she continued laughing, as if this were some kind of hilarious joke. "Yeah, you and half the city, kid. Just check the tabloids. They'll tell you. Look," she finally stepped forward. "If you need a taxi, I'll call you a taxi. Then, go home, find yourself a good gal, and live your own life. Stop stargazing, okay? It's not healthy."

The boy began to fume. "You mean to say you think I'm some hormone-driven fan who snuck into your apartment in the middle of the night?"

"Uh…yeah," she nodded. "That's what I'm trying to say. I'm not one to fool around with city scum. Sorry…"

"Scum?" the boy had clearly had enough. "Look, I don't know what happened last night. I don't know how I ended up here. But what I do know is, that I am completely naked, I have a hangover, and you were fast asleep right next to me. That kinda hints to one thing, don't ya think?"

The girl froze, glancing back at her bed and then up at the boy in front of her, the pieces of the puzzle finally coming together, although she could hardly remember a thing either. Perhaps she had had one drink too many at the bar last night. Perhaps he had wooed her with fancy words while she was sky high. Maybe they did in fact…

"You mean we…" she couldn't believe it. She wouldn't believe it. "You're trying to tell me…we actually…"

"Slept together?" the boy supplied. "Yes, I believe we did. It's the only explanation…"

The girl stood in shock, shaking her head slowly as if it were on a hinge. "But, I…I never…this…no, it couldn't be…"

"You're acting awful calm for a girl who just realized she nailed a complete stranger," the boy said, getting a bit annoyed with the fact he was still standing there entirely naked, with no clue as to where his clothes were. "This happen often?"

The girl looked up sharply, quite offended by his last comment. "No," she replied, placing her hands on her hips. "No, I can't say it does…"

The boy turned again, finding his eyes momentarily meeting the girl's bare breasts for a second time as the blanket slipped when she had pulled her hands away. She caught herself quickly and covered back up, a faint blush darting into her cheeks as well. It was suddenly very obvious that he was no longer the only embarrassed one.

Frustrated with the half-assed answers he was getting out of her, the boy continued with his search for his missing clothing without her, starting into the next room. Maybe the night had been wilder than they thought.

"May I…" she started slowly. "May I ask your name? I mean, I don't know what I'm supposed to do in this kind of situation. I'd rather like it if my mystery man has a name. Makes it seem like we almost kind of knew each other…"

"Oh…" he looked back at her through the doorway, the blush upon his cheeks turning an even deeper shade of scarlet. "Um…Ichigo…" he told her. "Ichigo Kurosaki…I'm kinda…new in town."

She nodded. "The new guys always have to check out the bars, don't they?" she muttered, more to herself than Ichigo. "I'm Rukia," she replied. "Rukia Kuchiki. I'm a native, so to speak."

"Native…American?" Ichigo was still feeling the after effects of the alcohol from the night before.

Rukia couldn't help but laugh. "Native New Yorker…" she explained. "Means I've been here all my life…"

"Ah…" Ichigo nodded and turned back to his search. He could hardly care about this girl or her life story, unless of course she was willing to help him.

"Here," she said abruptly, chucking a pair of plaid boxers at the back of his head. "I do believe these are yours. Plaid never was my style."

Ichigo waited until Rukia had moved into the kitchen to quickly drop the sheets and pull on his boxers. There was nothing in the study from what he could tell, so he followed her into the kitchen, crawling under the table when he spotted a pair of jeans lingering beneath one of the chairs.

How the hell did these get under here? He asked himself. Did she chuck them or something?

"Jeez, it's funny…" Rukia taunted, moving around the kitchen, showing no interest in actually putting an effort into her search. The boy could walk home in his underwear for all she cared. She still didn't believe she actually slept with him. She'd need hard cold proof before she believed any of his hooey.

Then it struck her.

What if they didn't wear protection?

Opening her mouth, she had half a mind to ask him if he could remember that part of the night, but she stopped herself before she could make out the words. Asking would mean admitting that she believed him

"Fuck!" Ichigo yelled, his head cracking on the bottom of the table when she had spoken. "God dammit, what the hell…"

Rukia cringed, her head pounding once more as he yelled. "Must you be so loud?" she asked, completely forgetting about her question almost immediately.

"Yes!" he snarled through gritted teeth. "Tell me, what's so funny?" he asked bitterly, yanking on his pants and snapping her out of her sudden daze.

Rukia recollected herself quickly and looked back at him, this time grinning almost evilly. "You're having such a hard time finding your clothes. Are you sure you didn't take them off on your way here?"

Ichigo didn't respond, spotting his shirt by the sink. They certainly did seem to be all over the place, but they weren't all over the sidewalk. What kind of guy did she take him for?

"You know what's even funnier?" he asked, moving toward the door quickly once he was fully dressed. His shoes, conveniently, were nicely placed by the door right next to hers. At least they had taken the time to remove those first. "I don't see any of your clothes, anywhere…"

He opened the door and started into the hallway before Rukia even had a chance to retort. She started after him quickly, stopping when she saw him bend over to pick something up from the railing on the staircase. When he turned, a tiny yellow sundress dangled from his finger. A taunting smirk danced across his lips as his eyes locked onto hers.

"Perhaps I wasn't the one who was naked before we even got here…" he snickered. "This belong to you?"

"N-No!" Rukia replied adamantly, breaking her gaze from his. "That's a horrible shade of yellow. I would never be caught dead in something like that. It must be the neighbors."

Ichigo nodded, holding the dress up in front of him for inspection. "Your right…you're certainly not big enough to fit in that. Must belong to the ten-year-old next door. Oh well."

He tossed the dress onto the welcome mat outside the apartment across the hall from hers and started down the stairs. Rukia opened her mouth to say something, anything at all, but found herself beyond words.

Frustrated and annoyed, she grabbed her sundress and stormed back into her apartment, slamming the door shut tightly behind her, only to turn back quickly and secure each and every one of the locks. Just in case he decided to come back.

A/N: So, how'd you like it? It's still gotta develop a little, but it's going to be interesting nonetheless. I'm really excited to get this one going. Let me know what you think, alright? Thanks you guys!