Author's note: I have no excuse for this complete madness, other than the fact that I haven't slept. Also I'd like to note that this is a crackfic, nothing said should be taken seriously in any way, form, or manner. Also, Sasuke is OOC. They're all OOC, actually. Which is what makes it so fun. Anyway! Read, my mindslaves (kidding, don't flog me) and enjoy! Update notice: Just a bit of revision here and there with more detail added. Nothing drastic. :P
Warnings: Crack, crack, and crackity crack. Enough of it to put a columbian drug lord out of business. Oh, and OOCness. EMBRACE THE OOCNESS.
Uchiha Sasuke was exhausted. Physically, mentally and emotionally exhausted. After Orochimaru's fourth attempt to molest him for the day, he just wanted to go home, perhaps change his trousers, (come on, having a reptilian pedophile attempt to grope your "sweet ass" as Orochimaru so lasciviously called it, would make anyone pee on themselves. Even Uchihas weren't exempt from this), kick back and enjoy quality tea in his favorite dress with Suigetsu.
Little did he know the horrors that awaited him in his bedroom.
Wrinkling his nose at the heavy odor of urine wafting from the general direction his pants, he pushed open his door. To find Karin rummaging through his laundry hamper and occasionally sniffing a pair of his more boldly printed dirty underwear. As if the trauma of that wasn't enough, she also had a pair of his favorite sharingan print boxer-briefs pulled over her shorts.
He stared. For like five minutes. Finally, Karin looked up from her bounty, her expression of euphoria quickly fading into complete humiliation as she stashed a pair of undies (oh, the horror) in her shirt. "Oh, Sasuke-kun!" she squeaked rather eloquently, rising to her feet. "Erm... I thought you weren't to return from your training-" at the word "training," Sasuke let out a derisive snort. Training had been the last thing on Orochimaru's mind. The first thing had involved Sasuke and a sock puppet and no matter how deep-seeded his hatred for his brother was, there were some things he just wasn't willing to give up for power. His body, fine. But his virginity to a sock puppet? Sasuke shuddered visibly at the very thought.
Karin continued as though he hadn't interrupted. Like she always did. Despite the endless amusement it would have given him to watch her struggle to make an excuse, currently her voice was barely more than an annoying buzzing interrupting his distubing inward banter over whether or not he should have let Orochimaru have his puppety way.
"... So I thought I'd just use your underwear to supply the power in the lab..."
Damn it. Orochimaru is going to sulk for days and refuse to teach me that new-
She wanted to- use his underwear as a power supply? His thought process abruptly halted and he stared at her incredulously, tempted to sharingan her into oblivion. Surely it was a crime to be that idiotic. It was then that Sasuke decided once and for all that Karin was absolute fail in the excuse making department. He blinked at her. She blinked back and lifted one hand to nervously scratch at her wild hair, (Sasuke glared at her hair like it had personally offended him. He could never excuse so many split ends) a nervous chuckle falling from her lips.
Finally, Sasuke's brain seemed to click back into place enough for him to formulate a coherent response to the situation. "So, which part of supplying power involves you inhaling my laundry?"
Karin's cheeks burned crimson and Sasuke waited smugly to hear whatever ignorant excuse (really, her excuses were so bad they were actually good) she managed to choke out. But as his disastrous luck would have it, Sasuke was denied the pleasure of watching her squirm by the untimely entrance of Juugo.
Dressed in nothing but a neon green thong.
Sasuke immediately fell to the ground, twitching involuntarily as his eyes rolled back in his head. "My eyes. Oh God, my precious Sharingan! I'll never be able to see again. Curse you Itachi!" he wailed, in a very manly manner, of course. Surely this was some evil plot to corrupt his eyesight. Surely Juugo didn't willingly wear a thong. He had tried it once himself and had to apply buttcream to his chafed bottom for days afterward.
"Have either of you seen my pants? Or my boxers for that matter?" Juugo asked, eying the convulsing form of Sasuke dubiously. Karin's eyes grew wide as she fled the room, snatching Sasuke's current pair of underwear right out of his pants as she escaped. "I didn't do it!" was all they heard as several crashes sounded from outside his room.
She'd run through the walls again.
Both males sighed as Sasuke finally stood to his feet, tossing a grumpy glare at Juugo who promptly wet his thong. Oh, Karin was going to have a field day sneaking those (with her mad ninja skillz) from Juugo's laundry pile.
Without so much as a goodbye, Juugo also exited the room, crouching through the Karin-sized holes in the wall. What a fantastic day. They completely screwed his mind and left a puddle of piss for him to clean up. Sasuke sighed. Oh well, he'd do it later.
He discarded his clothing and stepped into the bathroom for a hot, soothing shower to take his mind (what was left of it) off of the traumatizing events of the day.
Several hours later, Sasuke emerged from the bathroom in a cloud of steam and copious amounts of soap and aftershave, setting about finding a set of clothes that hadn't been stolen by his depraved co-shinobi. From the corner of his eye he caught a glimpse of movement and turned just in time to see Orochimaru sniffing delicately at the pants he had discarded earlier. Realizing he was caught, Orochimaru cackled like the maniac he was and fled from the Uchiha's chamber, stolen pants clutched in a white-knuckled grip that didn't look like it'd be relinquishing the prize it held. After he was out of range for an attack from Sasuke, Orochimaru turned to openly stare at the naked boy and proclaim something that sounded eerily like, "I love the way you smell, Sasuke-kun. All of you."
Oh Lord. A vein pulsed in his temple and he could feel his blood pressure rising until all he could see was red. His fingers clenched and unclenched spasmodically as a strangely high-pitched laugh escaped his trembling lips. He could feel a massive Uchiha Fit coming on. The last known one in history had resulted in the slaughter of his entire clan by the hands of his elder brother. And Sasuke would not be like his brother.
Howling obscenities at Itachi as he usually did in any stressful situation, (rogue ninja attacks, stopped up toilets, hurricanes, etc.) Sasuke formed a series of handseals and blew the wall that Karin and Juugo had fled through all to shit. He had no time for ducking like those losers.
He ran like no one's business, flashing everyone in his path (he had never bothered to get re-dressed after witnessing the Orochimaru Incident, as it would later be called) until he had completely escaped the stifling confines of the Lair. Consequences be damned, he was getting away from these freaks. Anyone who attempted to stop him would be immediately doomed to death by loss of blood due to nosebleeds. And all he had to do was stand there naked.
If that was all it took to bring down such powerful opponents, he didn't need Orochimaru anyway. He'd just confront his brother and shout obscenities while he was naked. Weeping (manly) tears of joy as the lair disappeared from his line of view, he paused in his running for just long enough to do a victory dance (or victory robot, whatever.) None of the woodland creatures survived.
--Several miles, and several hours later--
Naruto and Sakura poked at the body they had just discovered with a stick. It muttered something about squirrels and underwear.
They shared a glance and turned over the body. Both wrinkled their noses in complete disgust and recoiled from the form of their former teammate as though fearing disease.
"Ugh, he smells like piss." Naruto muttered, fingers pinching the bridge his nose. "What do we do with him?"
"Let's kick him a little bit!" Sakura positively beamed with joy at the prospect of repaying his betrayal with several broken bones. Upon seeing Naruto's incredulous gaze directed at her, though, she switched tactics. "Er... or we could find someone to pick him up for us. He smells absolutely repulsive."
Being the dim-witted person that we all know and love, Naruto pursed his lips in thought. And think he did. For twenty whole minutes. Sakura waited patiently, however, idly kicking at Sasuke's ribs with her toe.
"... I wonder if there's such thing as lemon flavored ramen," was Naruto's final word on the matter. The resulting punch from Sakura's Fist of Death and/or Agony was heard miles around. On the bright side, it knocked Naruto's brain back to where it was supposed to be. "Oh, right. Let's get someone to move him."
A few minutes of thought, and he spoke.
"Gai?" Naruto offered helpfully. "Gai." Sakura agreed, and the two skipped off into the sunset to find the spandex clad manifestation of youth, leaving their friend behind to suffer for a bit longer. And be bitten by ants.