Of Stripping and Poker

My version of a delusional one shot. Seriously.

This is for Hersheys. Because she rocks. 8D –crickets chirping- Okay that was a lame pun…

Of Stripping and Poker
Oneshot for Hersheys Rocks

During a certain "Hardwork All-Out Youthful Training Marathon" (name coined by Lee after he watched the… youthful… display of nonstop fighting between the three boys of regrouped Team Kakashi), without their medic and riddled with injuries, Naruto had proposed through a lungful of blood that one time they should find a way to get Sakura to be in all her naked glory for them.

Sai had immediately commented that he didn't want to see "that monstrous bitch's" body.

Sasuke snorted (and ended up coughing blood), and said that that was retarded.

Naruto said that the two bastards still hadn't been the one who accidentally peeked into Sakura's shower and saw her naked. And that although her chest area wasn't all as colossal as her teacher's, she looked awesome.

Now you see… aside from his blatant stupidity (sometimes called innocence), and with a ton of help from that certain trait of his that managed to make people realize things and put faith in him, the ever lovable kid of Minato convinced those two hormoneless look-alikes to agree to his plan to make Sakura join them in a certain game.

Sai wanted proof that Butt Ugly deserved to make him take off the first part of the nickname (he added something when he realized that Sakura grew more livid after he called her that, and in his opinion looked "butt ugly").

Sasuke said "Whatever, dumbass," and that "That's not going to happen."

Naruto had sighed. He was good at guilt trips, and he immediately fixed his two allegedly gay and hormoneless teammates with wide, innocent, baby blue eyes that was just shining with unshed tears, and was trying to look as sad as possible, lower lip quivering as he stared up at the two.

"You both owe me at least this; I'm only asking you guys for one teeny tiny favor! Sasuke-teme, I saved you from getting eaten by the Eight Tailed Snake."

Said boy looked away. At least he didn't try to contradict him. Hehehehe…

"Sai, I saved you from being Sakura's slave that one time you lost to a bet of Tsunade-baachan…"

"Yes, Dickless, I'm aware of that. And even though that might have been a nightmare, I don't agree."

"Aww… Sasuke, help me here!"

"… You've been a good friend and all, but didn't you even try to think that if she found us accompanying you just to peek on her, we'd all pay the price?"

"The grandeur of the plans you make is the same as the size of your penis. Both are ridiculously idiotic."

"NO! Now you see, this is where my Hokage-level genius comes in! She's going to join us to play, not to strip, but don't you see? She's almost like Tsunade-baachan. Which means that she could suck badly at gambling."

The two "hormoneless bastards" agreed to him after that.


Thirty-four years ago…



No answer. Skritch skritch. Oh… so the bastard would rather look at his lovely notes, huh?

"Orochimaru." A little louder.



No answer. He waved a hand in front of him. The pale boy continued scribbling down in that stupid sheaf of paper. Oh come on…


His best friend sighed, rolling his eyes but still keeping his attention on his writing. Skritch. Damn research addiction…

"Oi, Teme!"

Jiraiya shoved a picture directly in front of the pen. Seriously, they were already twenty-one and if the damn bastard still had no sexual urges by now he…

Never mind.

Gyahahahaha! A wide grin spread over his lips.

The metal point of his friend's pen accidentally slipped a slash of ink through the glossy surface of the picture since Orochimaru never expected something to appear right in front of him, ruining the photo, but he froze, the normally pale skin of his friend's face suddenly being flushed with pink as those thin brows drew together.

"What the fuck is that?" he said softly, yellow cat-like eyes narrowing as he finally looked up from his writing, glaring at Jiraiya. It would have been threatening had he not looked like he was being going down on by some fan girl of his.

"Ohoho," he leered, holding up said picture up to his face, "so this got your attention, eh?"

Orochimaru slapped the picture away, looking obviously guilty as a low hiss came from his lips, a grimace forming over those boyish features. Oh wow, this was rich, so the bastard had those interests. Ha! I win that bet again! So Oro-chan isn't as naïve as originally thought, mwahahahaha…

"No. You're childish, Jiraiya, leave me alone."

"Really? You don't have fantasies about her then? Maybe spreading her legs for you–"


"How about her swallowing–"


"Then her moaning–"


"But you're red! Or are you sunburning under this beautifully gloomy overcast sky?"

Right now he must be hating his white complexion because Orochimaru simply looked away, red like a sun-kissed tomato. Hah! Bastard, he was winning this!

"I said leave me alone. Or do you want another visit through Manda's intestinal tract?"

"Maybe then… maybe you imagine her calling you 'Oro-chan' and whispering it in your ear. Or that she would come by during winter in a heavy coat, but have nothing on under all that, and she'd–"

"Jiraiya, shut up."

He grinned. A big, wide, blindingly white, blindingly perverted, lecherous, leering grin. Usually the bastard would summon random freaky things, or sometimes snakes, and yes he sent that stupid Manda once after him, all to get him away at the slightest sign of annoyance. Only now he wasn't doing that, and if he was obviously squirming and uncomfortable under his continued pressing, it meant that he was hitting spot-on on something right.

"You want her in your bed. You're not a virgin but all the girls you've been were blondes. You–"

Oooh… he could see murder in those pretty, gold eyes.

"–stare at her boobies when you think she's not looking."


"You jack off to her."

Now those pretty eyes narrowed. Oooh, scary.

"Where the hell do you get that picture anyway?" he snapped. "It's not like she'd let you have something like that."

"You want it? I've got a lot of other copies, but–"


"O-kay. There's this thing called Photoshop someone from the Nara clan showed to me–"

He was smacked with the extremely thick ream of papers, and Orochimaru was stalking off.

"Hey! Wait, you want me to tell her that you jack off to her?!" he yelled. That bastard, he was going to get even… since well, he also knew that Tsunade's no longer that flat-chested and he also wanted to see her…

Orochimaru stopped dead in his tracks, and slowly turned around in that badass manner where Jiraiya felt like his nuts were being frozen in fear.

"You're not going to tell her." An order. Heh, not if he could help it…

"One condition."



"… just say what you fucking want."



"And you're going to help me."


"And you're going to get as much as I do, so don't worry."

"… what game?"

"Heh, heh, heh… Orochimaru-teme… do you know what 'strip poker' is?"




A week after their injuries healed, the three Team Kakashi boys persuaded Sakura to join them in their game of strip poker. They had decided to leave their teacher to rot and not go to their meeting, and for plot convenience they found an empty, private, unoccupied house in the Uchiha compound where they sat down to play.

However, their hopes of getting their only female member to strip was currently being dashed. Not only. Even spat on, stepped on, and twisted to shreds. Instead of Naruto's prediction that Sakura would be the second Legendary Sucker, it seems like her luck in gambling happened to be the total opposite of her mentor's. And she was getting extremely aggressive, so to say.


He did, with little complaint. He didn't want a punch to the face, after all, and wore his trademark fake smile.

Sasuke gritted his teeth, glaring daggers at Naruto, aware that all three of them were losing badly. He was going skin the dumbass alive, rub in salt and lemon juice, then play it on repeat with the sharingan. Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck…

Seriously. No one expected Sakura to be… well, this good.

Let's make a recap. When this stupid game started, they all had their clothes, and were expecting their stupid medic to be naked in a few rounds, hopefully because the stupid bad luck their stupid Hokage had supposedly stupidly rubbed off on her. That had been one incredibly brainless (did he mention stupid?) move.

Now, twenty-nine minutes and sixteen seconds into the game…

Sakura only lost her forehead protector.

Sai had lost his forehead protector, and his shirt. Lucky bastard, no one knew that he was also good at this.

Naruto was probably worst of all, because he was down to being passably indecent.

Him? Not as bad. Okay, almost. But if you're in the company of someone who appears dumb but can use things to blackmail you, someone who has an affinity to penises, and one of your fan girls who just happened to be incredibly good at this game, there's got to be some stupid god up there who's laughing at them all. God damn it.

"Hell yeah!"

Even Sakura's voice was kind-of scary now. That lascivious grin she sent his way made him want to cringe. Why oh why…

"Sasuke-kun, your turn."

He grimaced. Oh god, was this what he got for killing Itachi?

He kicked off his other sandal after he slammed down his losing cards (because six rounds into the game and all of the boys were shirtless they decided that yes, sandals were going to be counted off as one piece of garment), glaring at Naruto one more time because his stupid idea was such an annoying thing, and that now he seriously didn't want to be stared at in the way that Sakura was staring at him right now…

She still had that crush (as she liked to call it) on him. And he was getting the worst end of this stupid deal. Those innocent (ha!) green eyes were glued on to him.

Sasuke felt cold. Very cold.


Five minutes later…


"Mine's a flush."

"… hm."

"Hey, tell us!"





"… It's bad. Nothing."

"Yes! I'm safe! Hah, Teme you deserve it! Full house!"



That statement was thankfully not heard by anyone, since we had already established that the four members of Team Kakashi had been playing their little game within the premises of the Uchiha compound. Speaking of Uchiha…

"Sasuke-kun, come on, you guys were the ones who persuaded me to join this…" –Sakura coughed loudly– "…amusement of yours."

He hated that smile. He hated, hated, hated… Yes, it was unfair. Life was unfair.

But oh, what was that? Sakura had that deep blush ever since he lost his shirt, and even more when he lost his pants.

He was still going to kill Naruto.

Anyway, looking around, Sasuke knew this wasn't going to end good.

The dumbass had only the forehead protector and was in his briefs that probably left nothing to imagination. He would need therapy after this, but that was unfair! Naruto had on boxers and a brief, that's actually cheating. His eyes narrowed at his so-called asswipe of a best friend. It was like he had predicted something like this would happen. Asswipe! Asswipe asswipe asswi–

Sai was still going good, sitting very comfortably with his pants and his gloves on. From now on he would refer to him as the Assplug. The jackass was still smiling.

As for him… he was only in his underwear. And he had lost, and was being demanded of that last piece of cloth that was the only thing securing his dignity.

"That's too much, goddamnit!"

"Teme, take it off, I did mine!"

"You asswipe, you cheated and you wore briefs!"

"It's not like that!"

"Like hell! Asswipe!"

"It's true! I – stop calling me asswipe – wear my underwear like this!"

"It's not fair, it's my last piece of clothing and–

"Unless you have something you're ashamed to show, Sasuke-kun…"

He glared. "Sai, another word and I'll cut off the penis that you're so proud of."

"Sasuke-kun, don't tell me you're scared?" said Sakura, batting her eyelashes at him.

That was evil. She seriously wanted to see him naked? As in, in front of the dumbass and his lookalike who spouted the word "penis" every ten seconds and a girl who happened to admit she liked him? Someone really hated him.


"Naruto, shut up," he repeated through gritted teeth. "You're the reason we're in this mess."

And had it not been for extreme plot convenience, the boys could have just put on their clothes and gone on another Hardwork All-Out Youthful Training Marathon. But since they are all brainwashed by the incredibly bored author, they stayed there.

Or maybe it was because of the fact that Sakura made them hand over the articles of clothing every time and kept ripping them to shreds so that no one would steal them and run away from the game. Of course at the start it was perfectly fine, since no one was expecting her incredible luck, but since the articles they gave up merged quickly from a glove or a bandage (or the gay purple rope belt that he didn't think was all that bad) to shirts, and pants… and underwear… they knew they were in deep shit.

Very, deep, shit.

"Shit," he said, watching those green eyes boring into him. As if she was taunting, she licked her lips as she stared straight at his… erm, crotch, and the three suddenly burst into laughter.

Oh that was just wrong.

He started to think that it was all a plan actually against him, since god damn it, it certainly felt like it, but Naruto was butt naked, to a point, so he knew it wasn't possible.

"Okay, I'm giving up, I don't want to see any more inch-long penises around here."

Sai beside him made a move to get up when he grabbed his hand and yanked him back down crashing to the floor, all the while glaring at Sakura who was still trying to hold in the rest of her laughter. Her face was red with a mixture of embarrassment, and that holding in of her laughter, and yes, dirty thoughts.

Oh, after this she'll wish she never dared to taunt him.

"Sasuke, I have no wish to see your penis, let me go."

She grinned at him. He felt violated. Seriously.

"Come on now, Sasuke, aren't you supposed to be courageous? Can't the Itachi killer take off his underwear?"

He had no idea when he returned to Leaf that the perverts Kakashi and Naruto rubbed off on Sakura. In a way that wasn't good. Oh no, that really wasn't good. He glared at her, ignoring that his best friend and Sai were looking amused.

But wait… he narrowed his eyes at her.

"Do you really want me to?" he asked softly, setting down his misfortunate cards (GODDAMNIT!).

Oh hell yeah. Now Sakura's grin was drooping, like she was starting to be unsure about what she was asking him to do.

Okay, he was confused.

Did she want him to strip or was she just teasing him?

Was she using baseline psychology on him? Was she trying to see where this little plan of hers…

Oh, she was going to get it.

"I'm asking, Sakura, because I don't want anyone taking pictures," he said, and he smirked when her mouth fell open.

So did Naruto's, with his "Ohmyfuckinggod, ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR FUCKING MIND?!" look he was shooting him. Sai was… well, he didn't want to look at Sai, because right now he was focusing on Sakura who was gaping at him, red-faced and definitely embarrassed.

It seems that she really wasn't expecting him to take this seriously. And so were Naruto and Sai, because hell, he was going to make them regret ever making him play strip poker.

She will pay.


"Are you sure?"

"Teme, this isn't funn–"

"Oh sure this is fun, Asswipe." A wide, uncannily OOC grin formed on Sasuke's lips.



With a swift movement, the almighty prick Leaf people knew as Uchiha Sasuke stood up, and dropped his boxers to be naked as the day he was born.

Somewhere on the other side of Hidden Leaf, people could swear they could hear screams. Of two girls.

And back to Team Kakashi, as they are now known, the two loudmouths of the group had their hands tightly clasped over their eyes.

"Holy shit, Teme, that was disgusting!" Naruto whined. "Why the hell did you do that?! Get your boxers back on!"

He ignored the squealing protests of his best friend, and the creepy smile on the other "bastard", and took a step towards Sakura who was tightly keeping her hands in front of her face.

"What, you're afraid to look, Sakura?" he taunted, sitting on his haunches in front of her as he took her wrists and tried to pry her arms away. "You're a medic, you've seen a lot."

More screaming ensued, and patrolling ANBU who were interrogating a couple of suspicious-looking civilians with cameras decided they should go take a look.


Thirty-four years ago…


"Full house."




Orochimaru flinched when a fleck of Jiraiya's spit hit him right on his face, on his left cheek. Just right under his eye. Disgusting. Extremely, disgusting. He wanted the twitch violently right then and there, but he forced the feeling back.

In front of them was poor Tsunade-hime, shivering in her underwear as he set his cards down, yellow eyes watching as she gave up her shirt.


"Jiraiya, you pervert, if this so as much gets out, I'm going to fucking kill you!"

"Oh trust me, it won't!"

Somehow the pale boy doubted that.




An additional girly scream filled the air of the remote abandoned house in the remote Uchiha district as three ANBU soldiers kicked down the front door. Strangely enough one of them had a camera in hand.


A few hours later in the present…


The magazine that was the bane of every well-known ninja in the village, the Konoha Gossip, just had a revision in its latest issue, and was selling at every corner, every newsstand, just everywhere. Two pictures were the hot topic as of now, one that was more than thirty years old, of a very voluptuous blonde holding a handful of cards to her exposed chest, wearing virtually nothing except a white handkerchief strategically covering very specific areas on her body. People claimed it was the Godaime herself, but no one really knew. It could be some blonde who looked like the Godaime, and had the same cursed necklace, and had virtually the same characteristics as the current seated Hokage, but well, for all anyone cared, it was good news.

The other picture was of a stark naked teen, everything exposed and hanging. People say he is the last Uchiha, the Itachi killer, the one who came home after saving the world with his best friend who was in line for Hokage, but well, certain rabid girls who froth at the mouth say that it is just someone who looks like him. And that he had the same birthmarks, the same teammates who were all covering their eyes and their mouths wide open in silent screams. Anyway… who knows? –wink-

AN: Major news flash, I thought I knew something was fishy about "Storm" (Final Fantasy Versus XIII character, the name might not be final). xD He frickin' looks almost exactly like Sasuke! Even with the eyes changing color thing, it's too obvious not to notice. Especially when Lighting (Final Fantasy XIII character) has pink hair to match. xD To all of you who still haven't seen him, try checking him out at YouTube or wherever you can find the FFvXIII trailer, he's probably the ultimate bishie. 8D To me, at least. 8D 8D 8D And apparently, they're my new obsession, and I don't give a shit even though they're not in the same world, they look HOT. 8D 8D 8D

Just something to pass the time. Enjoyed writing it, the second light fic that had made it out of the maze of my mind.

Comments and reviews are highly appreciated.