Title : Family Matters

Author : DnKS – giRLs

Rating : PG13

Pairing : SuzaLulu

Disclaimer: We hold claim over neither these characters nor the story

Warning: It's crack in its purest form, no meaning nor great plot whatsoever…

"I want explanation!"

A much enraged Rolo pointed his fingers at the two men before him. The two men in question, named Lelouch Lamperouge and Kururugi Suzaku, only stared at the fuming teenager quietly. Then they looked at each other. Then they looked at Rolo again. Lelouch frowned. Suzaku sighed. Rolo waited.

Finally Lelouch said, "What explanation?"

"You know what I mean!" Rolo said, still pointing at them.

"No we don't," Lelouch said as he waved his hand in a no-nonsense manner. "And put your hand down, it's rude to point."

Surprisingly enough, Rolo did lower his hand. Lelouch smiled approvingly upon seeing that. Suzaku just stared.

"Now, what is it that you want to know?" Lelouch asked.

"It's true, isn't it?" Rolo said as he looked at Lelouch and Suzaku in most dramatic way. "You are my parents…"

Two sets of eyebrows raised in unison at his remark.

"Oh," Lelouch said. He looked at Suzaku. Suzaku looked at Lelouch. And Rolo thought they were having too many silent communications that day. And since neither Lelouch nor Suzaku spoke up after that, he figured he should speak some more. Or to be more precise, he figured that he had to whine some more.

"How can I be so blind?" he wailed. "The signs are so obvious. With my look… why, I have your eyes," he pointed at Lelouch before pointing at Suzaku. "And I have your hair. It's so evident! Moreover so with the first ending theme. The first ending theme! For God's sake, can't they be any more unsubtle than that with all those wings and all! I have both of your wings! How come I have both of your wings if I'm not your child!?"

For a moment he thought he heard a soft snicker coming from Suzaku's direction saying, "And I know from whom you get that theatrical manner…"

"And furthermore, my bad luck just made me get your physical strength," he pointed at Lelouch. "And your intelligence," he pointed at Suzaku. "Which means I have neither! My life is just great! And here I thought I have no parents until I became an assassin and so-so with tragic past of being an orphan. But it turns out that I do have parents, though they are just a bunch of irresponsible teenagers who abandoned their child. I know that you are my parents. So don't try to deny that!"

He finished his outburst with a ragged breath. He did not over-exaggerate when he said he had little to none physical strength. And honestly, he expected some kind of reaction that was any better than that. He had expected them to deny vehemently or at least get surprised or whatever. He did not expect them to just look at him calmly like he was merely a teenager in his anger fit.

But finally, he saw Suzaku stepping forward and circling his arm around Lelouch's shoulder. With a smile, the man whom he knew as Major Kururugi Suzaku, Knight of Seven, pilot of The Seventh Generation Knightmare Frame Lancelot, said to him, "Yes, we are your parents."

Funny. After so long he tried to force them to admit it, now that they did admit it he could only think of one word.

"Huh?"

And like always, he put the blame onto his so-called intelligence which he inherited from that one smiling person in front of him. That jerk.

"It means, Rolo, honey," Lelouch said patiently to him as if he was explaining things to a mere child. "That I am your mother and Suzaku here is your father."

Okay, he thought, he could follow that. But…

"Wait," he said, raising his hands in front of him as if he wanted to block something before him. Though now that he thought about it, he might really want to block the image of his newfound parents being all lovey-dovey in front of him. They should be fighting, he thought frantically. Zero and the White Knight were not supposed to embrace each other while nuzzling affectionately. It was just plain wrong. The whole thing was just plain wrong.

"How could you have me?" he asked.

He saw Lelouch stop nuzzling his nose onto Suzaku's shoulder and gave the other a darting look. Suzaku seemed to take his cue for he cleared his throat—and gave Lelouch's ass a good share of groping, he noted—and tried to explain to him.

"You see, Rolo, sweetheart," he began. "When two people love each other very much, they…"

"You can skip the birds and bees part," he said. "And start on the part how come two males can have child when they both lack some particular body parts, and could you please stop molesting him in front of me?"

"Well, darling," Lelouch said with his dreamy eyes directed toward Suzaku. "Who might guess, our child is protecting me of your perversity…"

"But if I don't have this so-called perversity," Suzaku bent down to kiss Lelouch. "We won't have him at the first place."

Rolo felt like he was watching a soap opera. Yeah, right… two people of different factions fell in love with each other, had children out of wedlock, then were forced to leave their child, and the child somehow turned out to be an assassin sent to kill his own mother. It was a perfect scenario of a midnight drama for the consumption of desperate housewives.

But he was not a desperate housewife, really, just a slightly disturbed maniac assassin, and that kind of scene was not really to his taste.

"Um," he said, hoping his voice was enough to break the lip-locking battle of his parents. "The explanation… and please, we have minors here."

"Oh come on, sweetheart," Suzaku broke from the kiss and looked at him strangely. "You can see people being crudely killed before your eyes yet you cannot stand the sight of your parents socializing with each other?"

"That's hardly what I call socializing!" he pointed at them.

"No pointing your fingers to people, honey, that's impolite," Lelouch said sharply. "Really, you're a royalty no matter how you look at it so please mind your manners."

Under that gaze, he found himself lowering his hand. Lelouch Lamperouge really had something that made people want to obey him without question, and maybe that was why he became Zero.

Somehow, he felt pity toward Suzaku.

"And what explanation do you want, actually?" Lelouch continued, pleased that the finger no longer pointing toward them. "We are your parents, you are our child, what else is there to explain?"

"Things like the impossibility of two men having children?" he tried. "And how come we only have a couple of year difference in age?"

"Oh, come on, honey," he saw Lelouch waving his hand. "You are living in the world where Knightmares exist, where a pizza loving witch speaks with the dead and goes around granting power to random people, where an idiot like Suzaku can be a Knight of Round…"

"Where a man can pilot a giant mecha in frills and still wearing his mask," Suzaku interjected.

"Hey!" Lelouch said, lightly punching Suzaku's arm. "I thought you love my mask and frills."

"I love them, yes, especially when you wear them in bed with me," Suzaku said.

"In bed you'll take them off anyway."

"Excuse me," Rolo said, trying hard to avoid from being forced to watch the whole soap opera scene again. "So you're saying…"

"So we are saying, honey, that this is fiction and in fiction anything can happen without any logical foundation," Lelouch said. "After all, fiction is about wish. You wish for something, so you create it, and there, you have your story."

"And with so many fangirls wanting us to be together, it became inevitable," Suzaku said. "And we wish to have you so there you are."

They wished to have him, he thought. And somehow he felt like it was the cue for him to be all sappy founding somebody really wanted his existence, that his existence had a meaning aside from killing people. Then he saw the setting sun behind Lelouch and Suzaku, coloring the western sky pink and he thought it was time to be all dramatic.

"But why did you leave me?" he wailed, spreading his arms wide for extra effect.

"Shush, honey, we will ruin the plot if we did not do that," Lelouch said. "Beside, we want you to take sides on your own choice. You can join the Rebellion with me or you can join your father defending Britannia."

"But you…"

"Hold it," Suzaku stopped him. "We would very much appreciate it if you start calling us father and mother like a good son you are, sweetheart. It was excusable before this time since you did not know our identity as your parents but now we expect you to behave like a son should behave toward his parents."

He stared at the man with a 'you-are-kidding-me-right' look and was rewarded with an equal stare of 'I-kid-you-not' of the same intensity. He sighed.

"But, mother," he tried again. "You can at least tell me the first time we met."

"I'm supposed to lose my memory, honey, and that means I'm not supposed to remember you," Lelouch said. "And after all, you wouldn't believe it if I really did tell you back then…"

"True…" he admitted. Hell, he was still having hard time believing it even now.

"Anyway, you seem to have made your decision already," Suzaku said, observing him with his green eyes. Now, why he couldn't have black hair and green eyes instead, he thought. It would be lots cooler than his lame brown hair and his too bright, too big, too sparkly amethyst eyes.

"Decision?" he asked. "About what?"

"About this whole war thing, of course," Suzaku grinned. "You are joining the Rebellion, aren't you? I should have known. Since the very beginning, you're always more of your mother's child."

"Wait, how can you know that?" he asked, surprised beyond belief that his so-called betrayal was known to one of the Knights of Round no less.

"Your mother told me, of course," Suzaku explained as if it was the most natural thing in the world. "Good couple never hides things from each other."

"But you are our enemy!"

"We are family first, sweetheart," Suzaku patiently said. "So if you should meet your father or mother in battle field please do remember that."

He looked skeptical, "Aren't you the one who shot Zero?"

"Ah," Suzaku sheepishly threw apologetic look to Lelouch before answering. "We do have domestic fights every once in a while…"

Domestic fights, he thought. Yeah, right, domestic fights that involved Knightmares and explosions and inter-nation war and terrorism and whatever-you-say. His parents were crazy.

Suddenly Lelouch drew a sharp intake of breath. "Oh, I forgot! What hour is it now? Being with family really makes me forget the time…"

He noted with a frown that he might know what Lelouch remembered. But it seemed Suzaku did not for he asked, "What's wrong, darling?"

"I have a bombing act to conduct, you know, terrorism stuff," Lelouch said casually. "Will you be there with Lancelot?"

"Not tonight, darling, my shift has ended for today," Suzaku easily said. "Shall I come to your room tonight like usual?"

"You usually come to our house?" he asked in surprise but the two people in front of him gave no heed whatsoever to his question. His room and Lelouch's room were only separated by a thin wall and he oftentimes heard strange noise came from there. During those times he always managed to convince himself that it was only his imagination and most certainly not something ghost-related. Well, those strange sounds turned out not to be his imagination, but not something ghost-related either.

He made a perfect expression of 'eew' as his newfound parents began their lip-locking battle again. Couldn't they refrain from being all lovey-dovey in front of him?! And what was that with the easiness with which Lelouch tell Suzaku about the Rebellion's attack plan?! Did they found happiness in loving each other and at the same moment trying to finish each other off in battle?

That day he realized his eyes had been opened to many things, among which were the power of wish and the concept of sadomasochistic irrational love.

"Be careful, please," he heard Suzaku said. Thank God the kissing had ended. And then those green eyes were directed at him with unveiled worry. "And you too. You mother and son both have the tendency to attract dangers."

He blinked. Suzaku still stared at him as if he was waiting for his response.

"Um…" he said. "Yes, father."

And then, he felt a hand ruffling his hair. He realized that Suzaku was already standing so close to him and it was his hand on his head. He looked to his side to see Lelouch came up to his side.

"Good boy," said Lelouch. "Now come, we have duties to attend."

He only managed a muffled "Ufmph…" as he afterward experienced what was labeled as group hug. He was still a bit disoriented when Lelouch dragged him off with Suzaku waving at the background. He still felt a bit disoriented even when he was on the battle field raiding the town with terror.

So, he thought, trying to sort his numerous emotions, he had a set of living parents. Fine, he could take that. His parents were both males. A little pushing there but he could manage. His parents happened to be Kururugi Suzaku and Lelouch Lamperouge… no, Lelouch vi Britannia. It was… something that…

Suddenly there was a voice and he realized that Lelouch had opened up a communication link.

"Are you okay?" Lelouch face on the screen asked him. "You seem a bit off tonight."

He shrugged, "I'm just… having too many things in my mind."

He saw Lelouch smile and he could perfectly understand why Suzaku fell for that guy. "Confused?"

"Yes," he admitted. "Too much happened today."

"But I think it's the best," Lelouch wistfully said through the communication link. "We are happy to finally reveal this to you."

"I guess…" he began. "I guess I also am happy to know the truth. And…"

Ah, hell, he thought. He dreamed of a family and now he had one, no matter how cracked up and crazy his parents were.

"And I'm happy to have you as my parents."

The smile that he saw on Lelouch face after he said those words made him sure that he had done the right thing. He loved to see that smile more often. He loved to spend more time with his parents, as long as they did not start making out in front of him. And he knew his life was complicated, but he wouldn't have it any other way.

"By the way, mother," he said as they walked back to their house after finishing their business. It came to him as something of a surprise how easy he managed to call Lelouch mother and Suzaku father. "I agree with father. I can't see how you handle to pilot that Knightmare with your robes and frills."

"It's your father…"

"Huh?"

"He loves my robes and frills, that pervert," Lelouch explained. "So if I wear them when I'm piloting, we could have cyber sex through the communication link… he's good at that thing, you see..."

"Oh…"

Yep, he thought with a dejected sigh, his family was cracked up.

- end –

(A/N: saa… we've told you it's meaningless crack… so, um… can we even hope you had a great time reading this fic? To be yet bolder, may we know your opinion regarding this fic? We still accept rotten things, don't worry…)