SAKURA HARUNO - The Owner's Guide and Maintenance Manual
You are now the proud owner of a SAKURA HARUNO! To unlock the full potential of your very own Cherry Blossom, read the following manual with care as misuse of the SAKURA can result in property damage and physical harm.
Name: Sakura Haruno (will also respond to "Sakura-chan" and "Forehead Girl.")
Age: 13 (16 if you have purchased the Shippuuden!Ninja™ version)
Place of Manufacture: Village Hidden in the Leaves—Konohagakure
Height: 150.10 cm (162.25 if you have purchased the Shippuuden!Ninja™ version)
Weight: Never, ever ask a girl—especially if she is a kunoichi with chakra-induced strength—that question.
Your SAKURA comes with the following accessories:
One Blue Konoha Hitai-ate
One Pair Navy Blue Sandals
One Roll of Bindings Tape
One Weapons pouch (contains assorted kunai, senbon, and shuriken)
One Red Dress
One Dark Blue Mini-Pant
One Pair Tan Gloves (one size fits all)
If you have purchased the Shippuuden!Ninja™ SAKURA HARUNO accessories consist of the following:
One Red Konoha Hitai-ate
One Pair Faded Plum Boots
One Red Sleeveless Zipper-Shirt
One Roll of Bindings Tape
One Weapons pouch (contains assorted kunai, senbon, and shuriken)
One Pair Faded Plum Mini-Pant
One Pair Pale Pink Elbow Guards
One Pair Faded Plum Gloves (one size fits all)
One Pale Pink Skirt
One So You Want to be a Medic-Nin?© Textbook
Removing your SAKURA from her box:
Even though the SAKURA HARUNO units do not look like much, they are very intelligent. To prevent them from escaping out of their boxes before reaching to their destinations, all units are packaged with a Sasuke-kun!© plushie that will keep them preoccupied until the box is opened. However, if your new SAKURA is too engrossed with her plushie, then resort to one or all of the following methods:
1) Coax her that you carry the ticket between her and VIP treatment from Sasuke. This includes a meal to a fancy restaurant, a walk in the park, and leaning against the bridge as the sun sets.
2) Tell your unit that a NARUTO UZUMAKI is near the bath house with a fellow Pervy Sanin JIRAIYA unit.
3) Hold a video camera of a KAKASHI HATAKE slowly unveiling his real face—a real eye-catcher.
Or, if you lack patience, mention one of these sentences loudly:
a. "NARUTO'S PEEPING IN THE WOMEN'S HOT SPRINGS AGAIN!"
b. "INO YAMANAKA IS FLIRTING WITH SASUKE UCHIHA!"
c. "Oh. My. God. Is that Sasuke-kun NAKED?"
If that does not get the attention of your SAKURA, nothing will.
Once your SAKURA HARUNO is safely out of the box, she may be a little upset that there is no date, let alone a naked SASUKE (of course, if you do happen to own a SASUKE, this can be remedied easily), or that KAKASHI only revealed another mask. Calm her down by giving her a picture of a child version of a SASUKE UCHIHA, which can be easily retrieved by going to an online shrine dedicated to this ninja.
All SAKURA HARUNO units are programmed with many useful functions to help you make your life easier and safer:
Medic: Feeling under the weather? Did some bastard stab you in the lead with a poison-coated kunai? Luckily, your SAKURA HARUNO unit is capable of fixing you up with her basic med-kit! Her medicine skills and intelligence will significantly increase when in contact with a TSUNADE unit. This will especially come in handy when going overseas or taking some A-class missions.
Best Friend: Yes, despite her short temper, your SAKURA is a fun person to hang out with—especially if you are a lover of yaoi. If you need that somebody to watch bishounen-ai anime, if you are ever knocked out of your senses, or if you are blamed of any crime, she will be there to be that shoulder to cry on, even if you did do that wicked deed.
Tutor: SAKURA is one of the most intelligent ninjas in the beginning of the series. If you're ever having trouble with your math or English homework, she is the one to go to for help. The manufacturers guarantee that, with your SAKURA unit, your grade will increase by at least ten percent.
WARNING! Using a SAKURA HARUNO unit to replace you in any standardized test (such as the nursing boards to enter America) is illegal. The manufacturers bear no responsibility for your well-being if your unit is caught or kicks your lazy ass for forcing her to take a test that she never wanted to do in the first place.
Your SAKURA HARUNO will come in the following modes:
Inner Sakura (locked)
Out of Character (locked)
Inner Sakura is easily identified as the feelings that SAKURA HARUNO units never say to you in front of your face—usually violent outbursts that she keeps to herself. However, extreme circumstances such as a NARUTO UZUMAKI's Sexy no Jutsu will easily unveil this other side of your SAKURA unit. Inner Sakura also comes in handy when an INO YAMANAKA tries to take over your SAKURA unit, as the Inner Sakura mode will bully and force the INO to come out of your SAKURA's body.
Lovesick is when SAKURA no longer cares for SASUKE and loves another unit, such as a KAKASHI HATAKE, a NEJI HYUUGA, or even an ITACHI UCHIHA. Be sure that the intended unit and your SAKURA are both in Out of Character mode. Otherwise, no chemistry for you!
To unlock Out of Character mode, simply tie her to a chair and force her to watch or read Icha Icha© Paradise. It's SAKURA doing your bidding—to the next level!
Relations with Other Units
SASUKE UCHIHA: The very definition of emo, the SASUKE UCHIHA is one of two survivors of the horrid Uchiha Massacre. His looks swoon even the most tomboyish girls, but his attitude is as cold as ice. This, ladies and gentlemen, is the SAKURA's first (and possibly only) crush. Though it always looks like he blows her off (with her asking for dates and all), the SASUKE does show blunt signs of caring for your SAKURA unit. After all, your unit is the only one who will be able to unlock the SASUKE out of his Cursed Mark form.
NARUTO UZUMAKI: The SAKURA unit is the NARUTO UZUMAKI's childhood crush. No matter how much he tries to impress her and coax her on dates, the SAKURA refuses to go out with him. She does, however, give him respect for being a powerful ninja and a loyal friend to her and to SASUKE. Once a SASUKE UCHIHA leaves with an OROCHIMARU unit, the NARUTO and the SAKURA work together to bring their third teammate back into the safe walls of Konoha.
KAKASHI HATAKE: Her first sensei and the leader of both Team Seven and Team Kakashi. He enjoys being fashionably late, and as any SAKURA knows, yelling ensues. He is protective of his students, wishing only the best for them. He sees her as the only kunoichi capable of surpassing the great Sannin, TSUNADE. The SAKURA unit has her utmost respect for him, and even enjoys a good "Hide-the-Icha" with her fellow teammates.
TSUNADE: Your SAKURA looks up to the TSUNADE as both the fifth Hokage and as a mentor. The TSUNADE is responsible for teaching the SAKURA all her kick-arse chakra control and medical skills. It is highly recommended that you leave the SAKURA with a TSUNADE to help become a better helper for you!
SHIZUNE: The SHIZUNE unit is the assistant and only other apprentice of the fifth Hokage, TSUNADE. The SAKURA and SHIZUNE treat each other as loving sisters, looking out for their sensei, since all TSUNADE units have at least 378 hiding spots for sake. The SHIZUNE and the SAKURA are the only units capable of finding all 378 hiding spots, making the three women feel like family.
CHIYO: The TSUNADE's rival in the medical field, the CHIYO unit is very impressed with the SAKURA's perfect chakra control and medical skills. Once your SAKURA performs a difficult procedure involving taking a sneaky poison out of a KANKURO unit, the CHIYO will give her utmost respect and gives her all the help she can for the SAKURA. When together, the CHIYO and the SAKURA create an unstoppable duo: capable of helping out a genjutsu-stuck NARUTO and taking down the Akatsuki unit SASORI.
INO YAMANAKA: Loud, fangirly, and (dare all SAKURA units say it) pretty, "Pig" is SAKURA's first childhood friend. The INO unit is always looking out for the SAKURA unit, even though both of them fight for SASUKE UCHIHA's heart. The INO is the key to helping your SAKURA unit realize that she is indeed a full-grown flower. It is a relationship full of bantering and name-calling, yes, but it is just as strong and everlasting.
ITACHI UCHIHA: Cold and ruthless, the (very, very sexy) ITACHI is the very reason for the Uchiha Massacre and is, unfortunately, the only other survivor other than SASUKE. Your SAKURA HARUNO feels hatred for him for both being the cause of SASUKE UCHIHA's mental breakdown, for being in the Akatsuki, and for trying to steal the Kyuubi demon from NARUTO UZUMAKI. She will do everything in her power to take the ITACHI unit down. Make sure that both units are in Out of Character mode before leaving them in a room alone, unless you prefer blood on your carpet.
OROCHIMARU: The OROCHIMARU unit is responsible for giving the SASUKE UCHIHA a cursed mark that has the ability to cause the SASUKE UCHIHA go into a mad-man form that only the SAKURA can remedy, and for molesting/harassing the SASUKE unit into an insane state. The SAKURA despises the OROCHIMARU unit and will do everything she can to kill him on the spot. Make sure that both units are in Out of Character mode before leaving them in a room alone, unless you enjoy the thought of having your SAKURA being bitten by the OROCHIMARU.
Your SAKURA HARUNO spends most/all of her spare time in the training grounds and doing hospital rounds, leaving your unit to encounter blood, weapons, dirt, and medicine. Fortunately, the SAKURA is a female and does not need to be forced into a locked bathroom. However, owners (who love exotic "happenings") may feel that she needs assistance in cleaning. Mud can be a stubborn thing on the hair and joints. And chemicals in the hospital could be dangerous. She might have pulled a muscle, too. Hopefully the Out of Character mode is unlocked…
WARNING! Manufactures will not be held responsible for any marital/relationship disputes caused by cleaning a SAKURA HARUNO.
To keep your SAKURA HARUNO in tip-top condition, give her three balanced meals per day. Your unit's palate is free for any style you wish (ex: Japanese, Italian) except for anything spicy. Snacks such as syrup-coated anko dumplings and umeboshi should be kept to a minimum, but feel free to give your SAKURA these sweets for good behavior.
SAKURA HARUNO units require a minimum of eight hours of sleep per day to function correctly. It is very important that you keep an eye on her while she sleeps, as she has a tendency to sneak out of bed to possibly stop a certain teammate from joining the dark side…though this is very thoughtful for your unit, she must realize that if this certain teammate does not join the dark side, there would be less fighting and no almost bare-chested sixteen year-old male to see in the future. Also, remind her that a sleep-deprived SAKURA is just as scary as a pissed-off TSUNADE unit—a force not to be reckoned with.
Frequently Asked Questions
Q: I just received my SAKURA HARUNO unit in the mail, and she's is great…but I want her to make babies with (insert male character). Why won't she make them?
A: For being a thirteen year-old ninja, having sex is far from her top priorities at the moment. Try purchasing the Shippuuden!Ninja™ SAKURA HARUNO and unlock her Out of Character mode, or wait for a few more years.
Q: I want my SAKURA HARUNO, NARUTO UZUMAKI, and SASUKE UCHIHA units to act as a team, but they're just hating and killing each other! Why won't they cooperate with each other?
A: Strong personalities can cause people to head-butt one another. The unit's individual goals and means to get them (ie: SASUKE wanting to get stronger to revenge his clan; NARUTO wishing for SAKURA to like him; SAKURA hating NARUTO and loving SASUKE) are also a reason in this cause of chaos between the trio. Simply leave them in the room with a KAKASHI HATAKE unit and all will be taken care of via "The Bell Test." Please refer to the KAKASHI HATAKE Owner's Guide and Maintenance Manual for further instructions.
Q: All my Icha Icha© books are burned, my poster of Jiraiya is totally destroyed, and my shrine for the whole thing is demolished. What the hell?
A: Your SAKURA is prone to destroy anything pervy, especially since all NARUTO units are greatly influenced by the Sannin. She is merely looking out for you not to become a peeping tom-slash-overtly perverted adult like some people she knows…
Q: My SAKURA HARUNO is depressed because my SASUKE unit left us! What do I do?
A: Inform your (or a borrowed) NARUTO UZUMAKI unit that your SASUKE has flown the coop and your SAKURA is in shambles. Let SAKURA and NARUTO alone for a while, and watch the failure to retrieve your SASUKE unit and the determination, trust, and respect between SAKURA and NARUTO blossom to retrieve their fellow teammate. (Please refer to the Sasuke Retrieval Arc if necessary.)
Q: …and now my SAKURA is depressed because my NARUTO is gone! What do I do now?
A: Tell her that your NARUTO unit has gone with a JIRAIYA unit to bring back her beloved SASUKE unit back to your household. If that does not work, allow her to speak to TSUNADE about training her to become ready to aid your NARUTO when he comes back.
Q: I left my yaoi manga on the table with my SAKURA to guard it, and now it's gone. She doesn't know what happened, either. Where did it go?
A: We did tell you that she is a sucker for guy-guy romance, didn't we? She is "protecting" it all right…and it'll never see the light of day again. Or, at least, you will never see it. Ever. To ensure that your beloved yaoi will no longer be taken, have it stored somewhere else where your SAKURA unit will not see it. Have the manga placed underneath the covers of older books—she won't bother to look there…for a few years. Asking a TSUNADE where the best hiding spots are would also be wise.
Problem: Your SAKURA unit is sulking around mumbling something about not blooming, and both NARUTO and SASUKE units are at her side.
Solution: She is suffering from her self-conscious and believes she has no ability to do something worth proud of. Have an INO YAMANAKA unit talk to her, and possibly even fight. She will be back to her normal self in no time.
Problem: An OROCHIMARU unit bit your SAKURA, turning her into a blood-thirsty ninja with no emotions whatsoever except to fulfill her "lifetime goal."
Solution: This is a very dangerous outcome. Get a KAKASHI HATAKE, a NARUTO UZUMAKI, and a TSUNADE unit to knock out and lock the SAKURA unit into a box. Immediately ship your SAKURA unit back, and we will replace to replace her with a new, non-cursed SAKURA HARUNO…unless you prefer her to be the female version of a SASUKE UCHIHA. (At this point, we would ask what is wrong with you and direct you to a nearby psychiatrist.)
Problem: Your SAKURA is acting strange—signs include walking wobbly, moaning, and looking pale and sickly—and not able to carry out the mission or tasks you ask of her.
Solution: Congratulations, your SAKURA just found out that you use the same shampoo brand that is used to clean a KAKASHI HATAKE unit's dog—PAKKUN! Give her time to recuperate, and she will eventually allow the situation to pass.
Problem: You just told your SAKURA that her teammates are a stupid, a blond monster, and an emo, revenge-driven retard.
Solution: Run. Hide. Absolutely nothing can save you now from her wrath. Hopefully, you found a place to hide for seven or eight months, which is roughly the amount of time that your SAKURA unit needs to calm down. You might also need to buy a new house, as yours would most likely be in shambles when you return to your abode.
With much love and care, your lovely kunoichi will grow up to be an exceptionally gifted young lady with healing hands and a fiery temper. The SAKURA HARUNO is a certified Kishi-Bishoujo© and will remain long after you are gone. With breeding, she will provide your descendents with genius ninja babies with inhuman strength—all prodigies being in the medical field. To prevent brawls and custody battles, make sure that your will specify who is the lucky son-of-a-gun to keep your SAKURA HARUNO upon your death.
Disclaimer: If I owned Naruto, you can only imagine the possibilities of a Narutard would create. Hehehe.
Dedication: To cutecrazyice. We all needed a little somfin-somefin after the fairly recent (412-413) chapters of Naruto involving Sasuke and a certain red-haired chick. Just saying. Hope it made you smile!