Title: White and Nerdy

Title: White and Nerdy

Pairings: Cannon (Bella/Edward, Alice/Jasper, Rosalie/Emmett, Carlisle/Esme)

Summary: Edward, Emmett and Jasper get stoned in the Volvo, and decide to sing a little song. Sucky summary, but I'm feeling random! You've been warned! Cannon. One-shot.

Warnings: Drug references and use and swearing.

M. very M!

Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight, or any of its characters.

Author: One-shot. Yes, I know vampires can't get stoned, but I heard this song on the radio while I was reading Breaking Dawn. I had to do it. No flames please. Read and review – entirely parody! Enjoy.

"They see me mowin'
My front lawn
I know they're all thinking
I'm so White N' nerdy!"

The sound of a pulsing beat greeted me as I pulled up the Cullen home. My eyebrow arched as I heard the sound coming from the garage, followed by the sounds of wild laughter from my fiancée, and his two brothers. I was tempted to take a peek, but decided, as I watched smoke seep out from underneath the garage door, I didn't want to know.

Stepping up towards the porch, the front door flew open to reveal a distressed looking Alice Cullen, her hair a mess, with matching make-up. She flew into me at full-vampire speed, curling up in my arms.

"Whoa! Alice! What's wrong?!" I gave her an awkward, comforting pat on the back. She twitched.

"They won't stop singing that infuriating song!" she shrieked, clutching onto me harder. I winced in pain.

"Alice! I'm the human in the family, remember?"

Alice shrieked again as their voices pounded out of the garage again. She took off into the forest at full vampire speed.

"Think I'm just too white n' nerdy
Think I'm just too white n' nerdy
Can't you see I'm white n' nerdy
Look at me I'm white n' nerdy!
I wanna roll with-
The gangsters
But so far they all think
I'm too white n' nerdy
Think I'm just too white n' nerdy
Think I'm just too white n' nerdy
I'm just too white n' nerdy
Really, really white n' nerdy"

I watched at Alice's retreating back with utter amazement. I always thought she was the annoying pixie of the family, that she could handle all types of annoyance, for she was the master – but she couldn't handle a little Weird Al Yankovic? I shook my head, and turned around, to see Rosalie leaning against the door frame, arms folded, shaking her beautiful blonde head.

"You'd think, with all the crap she bestows upon other people, she'd be able to put up with a couple of stoned boy's singing!"

My mouth fell open.


Rosalie smirked.

"Yeah… Emmett introduced the Soldier and the Virgin to hash. They were just screwing around for starter's in the garage, and then they accidentally burnt the whole thing – apparently they've burnt up all their brain cells, and can't work out how to get out of the garage, so they barricaded themselves in Edward's Volvo, and turned on the radio, and stuck on that Weird Al Yankovic song. The song stopped over 3 hours, but they've still been singing it!"

"First in my class here at M.I.T.
Got skills, I'm a Champion of DND
MC Escher that's my favorite MC
Keep your 40
I'll just have an Earl Grey tea
My rims never spin to the contrary
You'll find they're quite stationary
All of my action figures are cherry
Steven Hawkings in my library"

I heard Jasper cough violently, and arched my eyebrow. I didn't know vampires could cough! And then they all laughed. I turned to Rosalie, who was shaking her head again, lips pressing together in a hard, disapproving line.

"Boys." She muttered, and then looked at me and my confused expression again, before sighing. "C'mon Bella, I'll SHOW you what I mean!"

She took a firm grip of my arm, and pulled me towards the garage door. She clicked a few buttons, and the door slowly opened. I gasped and coughed. The smell surely would have suffocated a person – there was no oxygen – just marijuana smoke. And sure enough, in Edward's Volvo, with all the doors open, where the three Cullen brothers. Jasper was sprawled out on the backseat, wearing an army helmet, no shirt and a toy gun on his stomach. He had the words "Give me the freaking API!" written in black pen on his stomach.

In shotgun was Emmett, wearing all of his clothes, plus a backwards Yankees cap. Edward sat beside him, his hair a mess, legs on the steering wheel. All men were laughing uproariously.

I gasped loudly.


He had a delayed reaction, but soon, he looked over at me, and his mouth fell open.


All of the guys in the car turned to look at me. Emmett sniggered, while Edward looked like he'd been punched in the face. Jasper took one look at me from where he was lying, and yelled out in shock.

"I'm naked!" he yelled, making an attempt to cover his chest with his army helmet. He was glaring at me witheringly. I flinched. Edward turned around in his seat to hit Jasper, but they both looked at each other. I realized suddenly that Edward had a drawn on mustache with the same substance used on Jasper's torso.

They took one long, hard look at each other before laughing uncontrollably.

Emmett, however, paid no attention to his brother's. He was looking out the impossibly dark window of the car and muttered "The crunchy bees are under the window." That only made Jasper and Edward laugh harder.

"The boxes." Emmett muttered "And they put the boxes inside other boxes, and it's plainly obvious why they keep selling them."

I wrinkled my nose at all of them, and Rosalie copied my expression, only she looked more like a super model doing it.

Emmett coughed, before pelting out another verse of "White and Nerdy":

"My MySpace page is all totally pimped out
I got people begging for my top 8 spaces
Yo I know Pi to a thousand places
Ain't got no grills but I still wear braces"

"I order all of my sandwiches with mayonnaise
I'm a whiz at minesweeper I can play for days
Once you see my sweet moves you're gonna stay amazed,
my fingers movin' so fast I'll set the place ablaze
There's no killer app I haven't run
At Pascal, well, I'm number 1"

Jasper followed.

"Do vector calculus just for fun
I ain't got a gat but I gotta soldering gun
Happy days is my favourite theme song
I can sure kick your butt in a game of ping pong
I'll ace any trivia quiz you bring on
I'm fluent in Java Script as well as Klingon
Here's the part I sing on"
My Edward finished.

There was silence for all of about three seconds when Carlisle and Esme came storming in. They took one look at their sons in the car, before they reacted. Esme shook her head in clear disappointment, before rolling her eyes and exiting the garage, muttering something about infants and soap.

Carlisle, however, walked over to the car and stuck his head in, recoiling when he smelt all the smoke coming out of it, but he spoke nevertheless.

"Emmett." He growled in a poisonous voice "Have you been into my medical supplies AGAIN?!"

Emmett looked at his father innocently from the front seat.

"Fuck you Taliban!" Jasper yelled suddenly, pointing at Emmett.

"I don't give a fuck what you think because what you think fuck stink!" Edward yelled back at Jasper, even though the comment was to Emmett. They all started laughing again.

I just looked at Edward in amazement. Not once, through-out all the time I'd known him, had he sworn. The worst he said was "damnit". I couldn't find my voice. This was an Edward I didn't know at all.

"Edward, Jasper!" Carlisle scowled "Don't swear!"

"I'm the nuclear fallout for tonight, so I'll have to do," Emmett pointed at Carlisle "now eat your cake and let's get going."

Jasper and Edward nodded their heads in agreement.

Emmett clicked his fingers suddenly, and gasped in some sort of recognition, pointing at Carlisle.


Edward and Jasper gasped as well, staring at Carlisle with wide eyes, while Emmett muttered fondly. "I love that guy!".

Carlisle sighed, seeing that this was obviously a lost cause.

"They see me roll on, my Segway!
I know in my heart they think I'm
white n' nerdy!"
Jasper sang sadly.

"They're all yours." Carlisle gave us both a pat on the back, before retreating back to the house as quickly as he could go.

Edward paused suddenly, and looked at the ceiling intently. He cuddled against Emmett, and both mine and Rosalie's mouths fell open.

"I heard something." He whimpered.

"I'll protect you." Emmett vowed.

"How?" He begged.

"By lying here."

Edward groaned, before pushing him away.

"You're a shitty robot monkey arm."

My mind was boggled. Watching these three was better than watching a comedy movie. And they didn't even realize it.

"Oh JESUS NO! IT'S THE GREEN RANGER! ON THE RIGHT!" Jasper screamed suddenly, with a look of terror on his face, pointing at Edward, who gasped.

"Dumbass, I'm pink ranger!"

"No you isn't!" Emmett yelled at him. "I am!"

"I am!"

"I am!"

"I am!"

"Can I be blue ranger?" Jasper asked hopefully.

"Think I'm just too white n' nerdy
Think I'm just too white n' nerdy
Can't you see I'm white n' nerdy
Look at me I'm white n' nerdy
I'd like to roll with-
The gangsters
Although it's apparent I'm too
White n' nerdy
Think I'm just too white n' nerdy
I'm just too white n' nerdy
How'd I get so white n' nerdy?"

"This is insanity." I whimpered, staring at them all.

"Yes, it is." Rosalie sighed.

"FUCK FOUR LEGGED TRUCKS!" Edward yelled in triumph. I don't know what came over me, but I giggled. His comment made me think of his reluctance towards my red truck.

He twisted over on his seat to grin at me stupidly, and Emmett noticed this. His laughter boomed through the car, causing Jasper to put his hands over his ears and wail "Emmmeeettee! You can't eat 15 bananas in one day!"

"She's smiling at you." Emmett nudged Edward, smirking, pointing intently at me.

"Dude, shut up!" Edward hissed back. "Don't point! She's gonna think I'm a vampire…"

At that exact moment, Alice appeared. She took a cautious step towards the car, and looked in. She wrinkled her nose in disgust at her husband in the backseat.

"Jasper!" she yelled "What gives?!"

Jasper looked at her meaningfully, thinking, before replying "I'm a cat, I can sleep anywhere."

Alice glared, before picking the tall blonde up in her tiny arms, and running out into the forest with him.

"YOU STOLE MY BLANKET!" I heard Jasper holler as loud as he possibly could.

"You'll thank me for this, Jasper!" Alice screamed back, and we heard a loud splash coming from the river. Alice had thrown Jasper in the river. We heard him yelling and protesting, before screaming out at the top of his voice:


Edward and Emmett stared at the place their brother once laid, before bursting into dry sobs.

"I miss Jasper!" Emmett wailed, putting his hoodie over his head.

"I can't remember what he looks like!" Edward sobbed with him.

Rosalie rolled her perfect eyes.

"He looks kind of like me, only, you know, manlier."

Emmett and Edward looked at her as if she were a God.

"You pretty…" Emmett drawled at Rosalie "Marry me?"

"Again?" Edward moaned.

"Not you!" Emmett slurred, holding Edward closer to his body "You're a marshmallow."

"Cactus head." Edward retorted.

"Monkey scrotum." Emmett shot back.





It was like a tennis match.




"Numb Nuts!"




"Butt nugget!"




"Man I love that show."


"Love that one too!"




Emmett gasped.

"My ass isn't FAT!" he broke into sobs again. Edward looked guilty, and gave him a big hug. Emmett hugged him back, and they finished singing White and Nerdy, before blissfully deciding to give it a rest and shutting down.

"I think my IQ just went down a notch." I shook my head, before following Rosalie into the Cullen home.

Okay, okay. I know it's random, and it's got some swearing in it, but I felt stupid and high on sugar and I couldn't help myself. Thanks for the inspiration! Read and review! No flames please!