title: whips and tips
pairing: SasuSaku, not!NaruSasu
for: mintxrain, and the indomitable Pinaface
"whipped cream in my hair…again"
"Wow, it's so…big!"
"You've been a bad boy."
summary: Dialogue. Innuendo. CRACK. SasuSaku. "You really can't wrap your lips around it? Not even the tip? Tsk. You've disappointed me, Sakura."
notes: My muses? They're made of crack. Also, this is rated for Innuendo, with a capital I.
disclaimer: not not not not mine, not mine.
"Wow, it's so…big. And thick."
"Well, what'd you expect? I'm a growing boy, after all."
"Mm. Is that a fact, Sasuke-kun?"
"Well, you're looking at it. You tell me."
"I suppose it's…larger than average."
"Put it in your mouth, Sakura."
"You heard me. Open up."
"…God, it isn't that hard, Sakura. Just a little—"
"Come on, just—"
"I can't, Sasuke-kun! I—ugh! It's too wide!"
"Apparently. But it was a good effort. And hilarious to watch."
"I bet it is."
"You really can't wrap your lips around it? Not even the tip? Tsk. You've disappointed me, Sakura."
"My fingers don't even reach all the way around. It's all very distressing, Sasuke-kun. Really."
"I can't even imagine."
"Well, it's not like I'm alone, right? Have you ever done it?"
"Like I'd ever lower myself that far."
"So, you haven't any room to talk, then."
"Maybe. Naruto can do it, though. Easily."
"…really? How do you know? Have you—"
"He asks me for it at least twice before he leaves every day."
"Yes. He's addicted. Sometimes, when he's really desperate, he begs for it."
"Yes. You know how he is when he gets a new craving. Insatiable. He was like that with ramen too, only that never really went away."
"Sakura? You're quiet. You aren't…jealous, are you?"
"Pfft. What? Me? Jealous? Definitely not. I'm totally comfortable with what I can and cannot handle. It's certainly not my fault that yours is freakishly large."
"Freakishly large, huh? I never heard you complaining about it before."
"Well, I've never seen it get this big. And you've never asked me to put it in my mouth, before today. I mean, seriously. What kind of girl do you think I am, Sasuke-kun?"
"What does that have to do with anything?"
"Bzuh—! You want me to put it in my mouth! I don't know where it's been! It could be…I don't know, diseased, or something!"
"You know where it's been. And it's not diseased. I wash it after every tasting."
"Still, with how many people you've had over, I wouldn't be surprised if it were."
"What's that supposed to mean?"
"Only what you want it to, Sasuke-kun, only what you want it to."
"Oh? Because, it sounds to me like you're implying that I'm…indiscriminate about who I share my treats with."
"Well, if the shoe fits..."
"Apparently, it doesn't, as my feet are too big. And you know what they say about big feet…"
"Yeah, whatever. Not really that impressed anymore."
"And for your information, I am not indiscriminate."
"Oh, really? That's not what Ino-pig says. She loved it when she had a taste. She even rubbed it in my face for a week. And don't even get me started on that stupid Karin. You bad, bad, busy little boy."
"…whatever, it was once, Sakura. Once. For each of them."
"Yeah? Well what about Shikamaru? Kiba? Shino? And—oh my God, Sasuke-kun. What about Chouji? I know for a fact that you've let him have it at least six times."
"The last three don't really count. I was drunk, Sakura. And he insisted. Said it was the perfect complement to the brownies he was inhaling that night."
"Yeah, whatever. I don't really care, you know. I don't. Not. At. All. You can have whoever you want over."
"Really? Because your complaining reeks of jealousy."
"Um, we had this discussion, remember? This is me not being jealous."
"Besides, I don't need to come to you to get it. Neji told me that his door was always open. And I like the way his tastes, even if it does end up leaving white stains in my hair most of the time. He's patient with me, Sasuke-kun. And, he attends to my needs. His is sweet, probably more so than yours, and it's all natural."
"Hyuuga? Humph. I suppose his is adequate—"
"—oh, it's more than just adequate, Sasuke-kun—"
"—if you enjoy sloppy-seconds, that is."
"Hn. Didn't he tell you? That Tenten girl is his regular customer, if you know what I mean. So is Lee. And that shy pale thing who stalks Naruto whenever she gets the opportunity."
"Hinata-chan? Neji lets Hinata-chan—I thought he hated her!"
"That's what you have to learn, Sakura. Feelings don't really matter here."
"…if they did, do you think I'd be sharing with everyone? You should know me better than that by now, Sakura. It doesn't mean anything. Not to me."
"Maybe, Sasuke-kun. I just…I don't know. I worry that…maybe, it means more to you than—"
"If it did, I wouldn't…you'd have been…well—"
"I know, Sasuke-kun. You don't have to say it. And maybe—"
"Whoa, there. No need to get so excited. I mean, maybe next time, I'll—"
"—you'll what, Sakura? Put it in your mouth?"
"I'll…well. Maybe. Only if it's not as big as it is now."
"I can't really promise that, but I'll try. I mean, it's not like I can control it or anything."
"Except for the part where you totally can, Sasuke-kun."
"Not really. If you want to blame someone, blame Itachi."
"Itachi-sama? That paragon of perfection? The star of all my girlish fantasies? The—"
"Please. Spare me. You have no idea how weird it is to hear you say that about that freak."
"Mm. Freak, huh? Do tell."
"Whatever, Sasuke-kun. The sooner you accept Itachi's state of godhood, the happier we will all be."
"Don't pout, Sasuke-kun. You're hot, too."
"Well, that's certainly a relief."
"Isn't it, though? Anyway, put that away. I won't be touching it anytime today. My jaw still hurts from when I tried stuffing it all in earlier."
"Why'd you want to see me put the nozzle of that industrial-sized can of whipped cream into my mouth so badly, anyway?"
I think this is the part where I run away.