8 Simple Rules: Family In The House

--Chapter 1--

Hello, everyone and welcome to my latest 8 Simple Rules fanfic. I luv 8sr (u would know, my pen-name's 8srfan lol) and this fanfic is dedicated of course to John Ritter—truly the best actor ever. DISCLAIMER: I own nothing of 8 SIMPLE RULES, sadly, and this is just made for entertainment not more. PPPLLEEEAASSSEE REVIEW!! Thx.

(Scene: The living room. Paul is writing on his laptop as the kids enter with Cate)

Rory: Ugh, The Merchant of Venice, Mrs. Waltz's gotta be kidding me.

Paul: What's wrong, son?

Rory: Mrs. Waltz gave us an assignment for next Tuesday to read and write a review on The Merchant of Venice… and you know me and books. (shakes his head) We don't get along too well.

Paul: Oh, Rory, The Merchant of Venice is one of the best classics ever! It is one of Shakespeare's best written books. You shouldn't be sad you have to read it. You should be exhilarated.

Bridget: (chuckles, to Rory) You're screwed.

Kerry: You had the exact same assignment like a month ago.

Bridget: Oh, yeah no I hired Shawn…y'know, the curly junior, to read it for me and he told me all about it the very next day. Then I broke up with him.

Kerry: (shakes her head in disbelief) So typical.

Paul: So, kids, how was school?

Bridget: Ugh, boring, I gotta use the phone. (picks up the phone)

Cate: (approaching the kitchen) So, Rory, do you know anything about this book so far?

Rory: …I know who wrote it.

Bridget: (on the phone) Hello? Will? Shut up. Shut up! Oh, shut up! All right, see you there. Bye-bye. (hangs up)

Paul: Uh, I'm sorry. You're going to see who, where?

Bridget: Will, my boyfriend. Ugh, he is just so hot and he's, like, twice as large as my ex-boyfriend, Donny. Plus, WIll lost, like, half his hotness when he entered the Navy, which I think is very dumb and stupid. Not just that, but this bitch, Amanda, ugh--she totally...

Paul: (interrupting) Yeah, uh, honey, cupcake, cliffnotes.

Bridget: Yeah, so Will and I decided to go play some ball in the court.

Cate: Oh, just you and this Will?

Bridget: Yeah, ok, I know that sounds so lame...

Paul: Because it is.

Bridget: C'mon! Why can't I play basketball with my friends anymore!

Paul: I'm sorry, Bridgie, but you've been out so many times this week and we're putting some limits to that.

Bridget: Ugh, this sucks! It's, like, I don't have any friends. It's like I don't have a life! (gasps – turns to face Kerry) Kerry, this must be what your life is like!

Kerry: Shut up!

(Kerry grabs a white pillow and throws it at Bridget)

Bridget: Ohh!

(The girls start fighting and screaming all over)

Cate: No, no, kids! Kids, stop that! Girls! Kerry!

Paul: Girls, stop it! Bridget!

Rory: Oh, I wish some of this stuff is found in The Merchant of Venice!

Opening Credits

(Scene: Bridget and Kerry's room. Kerry is studying on her bed with a book in her lap and a pencil in her hand while Bridget's doing her fingernails on her bed.)

(After a long silence, Kerry chuckles. Soon this chuckle grows into a laughter)

Bridget: What, anything funny in math?

Kerry: No, I was just remembering a funny little joke. You know, the one where dad grounded you for two weeks. (Burps out laughing)

Bridget: Shut up! I've been giving Will so many excuses about not being able to be with him that he may actually find out I'm seeing someone else.

Kerry: You're seeing someone else besides Will?

Bridget: Uh, yeah. (Her cell phone rings; she answers it) Hello? Oh, hey, David! No, I can't; I'm...at the mall right now. Yeah. (Kerry shakes her head)

Kerry: (loudly) Hey, Bridget, your friend Will's home! (Bridget throws a pillow at her)

Bridget: All right, see ya later. Bye. (Hangs up) Which do you think looks more slutty, red or blue? (She looks at the color of her finger nails)

Kerry: I don't think it matters, Bridget. Everything looks slutty on you.

(Bridget's cell phone rings again)

Bridget: Aw, man!

Kerry: You know, you could just break up with all of them and not receive any more phone calls.

Bridget: Yeah, and Kerry, you could just shut your mouth before I stick it to the bottom of the toilet. (Answers her cell) Hello? Oh, Rick, is that you? Hi! I've been waiting for your call! Oh, I wish I could right now, but I'm at the library. You know me, a straight-A student.

Kerry: Up my ass.

Bridget: (on the phone) All right, I'll see you tomorrow. Love ya. Bye. (Hangs up)

Kerry: You're just a totally different character with each one of them, aren't you?

Bridget: Yeah; isn't it just great how everything's worked out?

(Paul enters)

Paul: Hey, girls. What are you doing?

Kerry: Oh, I am studying math and Bridget is rubbing my ass.

Bridget: Shut up!

Paul: Oh, okay, well...that's great. So, Bridge, since, apparently, you've finished your homework, you would like to go play some basketball with your father?

Bridget: Oh, dad, I wish. But I'm just not that cheap.

Paul: One game. One point!

Bridget: Fine. But we're playing on cash. (to Kerry) Bye, dorky.

Paul: (to Kerry, before leaving) Love you, carebear! (They leave, and Paul closes the door behind them.)

(Scene: The Living Room. Rory is sitting at the counter, reading his Shakespeare book and Cate is in the kitchen.)

Cate: So, Rory, how's that book going on? Which part are you in? (She realizes he is sleeping on the book) Rory? RORY!

Rory: (waking up, startled) What? What...? Vincent?

Cate: So are you doing well on that book?

Rory: Oh, yeah, I'm doing real well. Yeah.

Cate: Oh, yeah? Which part did you reach so far?

Rory: Oh, the part where...y'know, Shylock, he's, uhm, is very angry with what's his name? Antonio! Yeah.

Cate: Huh. Isn't that the whole book's topic? One of Antonio's friends run away with Shylock's beautiful daughter because they were in love so Shylock becomes angry and there's court and all that...Isn't that the book's subject?

Rory: Oh, no. The book's topic...the book's subject is the merchanct of Venice!

Cate: You have no idea what you're reading, do you?

Rory: Squat! (Pause) But I found the solution to that. However, unfortunately, I have this feeling that you're not going to be totally on board with my idea.

Cate: I'm listening.

Rory: I was at Blockbuster Video the other day, and just somewhere--outta nowhere, this movie on DVD just comes in front of me! And you better be surprised when I tell you the movie's name. It's, "Shakespeare's The Merchant of Venice"!

Cate: Oh, boy, I'm surprised.

Rory: So, I was thinking, mom, isntead of wasting all my precious time reading this book, I could just watch the movie and problem's solved!

Cate: You call reading a classical Shakespeare book a waste of time?

Rory: No, no, don't get me wrong here, mom. I call reading any kind of book is a big waste of time! (Pause) I mean, come on, mom! That movie was made to be seen!

Cate: And that book was made to be read! And that's what you're gonna do.

Rory: After I watch the movie...?

Cate: No, Rory. You're not watching the movie.

Kerry: (walking from the bathroom) What movie?

Rory: I found a movie of this amazing Shakespeare book I'm reading, but mom doesn't let me watch it.

Kerry: Oh, you mean "The Merchant of Venice"?

Cate: Yes, Kerry.

Kerry: Oh, but weren't you watching that last night, Rory?

Rory: No! No, that was, uhm, that was, uh...Hamlet. (to Cate) You know me, mom, I love all of Shakespeare's books, so...

Cate: You watched the movie?

Rory: No! Well yeah. But, in my defense, before I watched the movie, you didn't tell me not to watch it, so there was nothing wrong about what I did because you didn't tell me not to watch it back then!

Kerry: Oh, wow, mom, how are you gonna defend that?

Cate: Rory, I don't care whether you've watched the movie or not, because you are still reading that book.

Rory: What? But I did the assignment! I know what the story is about!

Cate: It isn't enough. Mrs. Waltz gave you that assignment to read the book, so you're going to read the book.

Rory: All right. (Cate walks to the kitchen, away from the kids) Kerry, read the book and I'll give you ten bucks.

Cate: Rory, I heard that!

Kerry: Hey, mom, where's Bridget?

Cate: She's out playing basketball with your father.

Kerry: Didn't they go do that, like, three hours ago?

Cate: Well, you know Bridget, sweetheart. Really into playing the ball.

Rory: Na, I know Bridget, really into stripping to guys.

Cate: Rory! (phone rings) Ohh. Well, I am still not over with you, boy. (answers) Hello? Ohh-Paul? Where the hell are you? What? In the hospital? Oh, my god! I'll be right there! (hangs up)

Rory: Is there anything to eat?

Kerry: Mom, what happened?

Cate: Your father broke Bridget's nose! (looks around) Where are my keys?

Kerry: (laughing) Oh, my god!

Cate: Come on, kids, we're going to the hospital right now.

Rory: But I was gonna read The Merchant of Venice! Aawww!

Kerry: Oh, Rory, you can take it with you and read it at the hospital.

Rory: Mom, call dad. See if there's a room for another on-verge-of-death person!

Cate: Ugh, Paul, I'm gonna kill you! (They all start to leave.)

(Scene: The Living Room. Rory is sitting upside down on the couch, with the Shakespeare's book in his hands while Cate is in the kitchen. Paul enters.)

Paul: Hey!

Rory: Hey, dad!

Paul: Hey, Rory, y'know? You might as well want to sit on the couch like a regular person or else I'll tickle you all.

Rory: Oh, dad, gee, I wish. But mom wouldn't let me play video games before I finish reading the book.

Cate: Yeah, well, you're not doing so well so far.

Paul: (to Cate) So, how is she?

Kerry: (walking down the stairs) Oh, my god, dad. Wow. I can't believe you were asking about me. Thank you! (Goes over and hugs Paul)

Paul: Yeah, well, see, I'm a good father. And now-now how is Bridget?

Cate: Not so well, Paul. She hasn't gotten out of her room since she came back from the hospital.

Paul: Well, hey...it's not my fault!

Rory: Yeah, dad, except you did hit her nose with the ball!

Cate: I thought you were reading!

Rory: I am! "Yeah, dad, except you did hit her nose with the ball, said Shylock."

Kerry: Oh, here we are again, another morning talking about Bridget. (Sits down at the counter) You know, you would want to know that, last night, I snuck out of the house and attended a dance.

Cate: Good for you, hon!

Paul: Proud of ya, Kerrbear! Now what do we do about Bridget?

Kerry: You know, this sucks. Everything about this place sucks. We're always talking about Bridget, whether she's broken her nose or stuck up in the attic, (Pause) or whether she's fallen out of the window...

Rory: (Smiling) Yeah, I remember that.

Paul: And I remember the time I told you, "READ!" (Hits the book on Rory's face, for him to read)

Rory: Ow!

(Bridget comes down the stairs, with her nose casted)

Bridget: Ugh, this sucks. This just sucks!

Rory: Oh, hey, upside-down Bridget is happy!

Commercial Break

(Scene: The Living Room. Rory now sits properly, Kerry is sitting at the counter, Paul and Cate are standing near the kitchen as Bridget, with a casted nose, sits down in disgust.)

Bridget: Oh, this sucks! This just sucks soooo bad! (pointing at Paul) Ugh, I hate you!

Paul: Sweetie, once again, I tell you it was an honest mistake.

Bridget: Oh, it was so not a mistake! You just saw me coming and you decided to throw the ball at my pretty-used-to-be face! (Winces)

Kerry: Aw, man, I can't believe I missed it!

Bridget: Oh, you know I'm never going to school again. Ever!

Paul: Bridget, you're going to school tomorrow.

Bridget: No, no, you can't! You can't do this to me! I am popular and pretty! Now I'm a dragon! (Pause) Everybody's gonna laugh at me! (gasps) Jason Harley isn't gonna go out with me! (Screams)

Cate: Bridget, you can't miss a day out of school just because you broke your nose!

Bridget: (winces) Mom, look at me! (Pause) I look like a monster!

Rory: (with a monster voice, to Bridget) Hamlet...

Paul: Rory! (Hits him on the head)

Rory: Ouch, dad. That hurt, can you take me to the hospital? I think I broke my nose!

Bridget: Shut up!!

Kerry: You know, maybe if you cover it up with something at school, problem's all solved.

Bridget: Shut up, dorky.

Kerry: Oh, well, at least dorky can move her nose! (rubs her nose and moves it, annoying Bridget)

Bridget: Shut up!

Rory: Hey, Bridget, if I bring a flower and drugs for you to smell, can you know the difference? (chuckles) Oh, sorry, forgot you don't have a nose!

Bridget: Mom, tell them.

Paul: All right, kids. Upstairs, now! (Rory and Kerry do not move) I said...Cate, will you help me out here?

Cate: Kerry, Rory, go to your rooms now!

(Kerry and Rory go up the stairs)

Paul: (to Cate) Wow, yeah, that was good.

Cate: Bridge, honey, everyone goes through such a hard time in their life. Nobody said life was fair. But if you don't struggle, fight for your life, and not care about what others think of you...

Bridget: Oooh, yeah, can't do that. (Pause) See that? (Pointing to her face) It's my magic. It's what makes me popular.

Paul: Yeah, sweetie, I think--now--it's what makes you creepy.

Bridget: Dad!

Cate: Paul!

Bridget: Wha--ugh, now you call that supportive? (Points at Paul)

Paul: I--I had a drink with lunch. I'm sorry. (Pause) Bridget, you have to go to school tomorrow. Because, if you don't, you're just gonna stay in here and think of an excuse about why you're not gonna want to go to school the day after that.

Bridget: Oh, no, I don't have to do that. 'Cause I already found one. (Points at her face) See that big zit over here? Yeah, cannot let people see that.

Cate: Bridget, you have to go.

Bridget: All right, mom, I'll go.

Paul: Wha--seriously, how do you do that? (pause) 'Cause I spent all that time talkin' and talkin'...do you--do you read a book or something...?

(Scene: The Hallways at school; Bridget is standing with a few friends besides the lockers.)

Guy: Hey, Bridget. (starts giving her papers) Here is our Biology homework, our Math homework, and our History homework. And, this time, I tried to sound less smart.

Bridget: Thank you, Jonathan. 8. (The guy walks away) to her friends He promised to do my homework everyday. He wants my phone number, so I'm giving him one digit daily.

(All of her friends laugh)

Girl: Wow, Bridget, I can't believe the amazing journey you went through. Did it hurt so bad?

Bridget: Nah, a little. But it's definitely worth the wait.

Girl 2: Oh, yeah, definitely. (Laughs) Wow. I can't believe you made a nose job!

Girl: You know, I think I should have a nose job as well.

Bridget: Ooh, yeah, girl, you definitely need a nose job. (Pause) If I were you, I'd do it in a second.

(Kerry walks by, and is shocked)

Kerry: Oh, my god! You're still friends with creepy face? (Pause) I mean, after all that stuff on her nose, she's still popular?

Girl: More than ever, girl. (Laughs)

Bridget: (Joins her laughing) Oh, yeah, girl!

Kerry: (Sniffs) Have a nice life... (Walks away, annoyed and upset)

(Scene: The Living Room. Cate is reading a book on the couch as the girls enter with Paul.)

Cate: Hey, girls!

Kerry: Don't ever talk to me, ever! (Rushes up the stairs, upset)

Cate: Is it only me, or have the greetings gone pretty downhill?

Bridget: Oh, mom, I had the best day ever! Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you so much! I had the best day in my life!

Cate: Well, then, I'm guessing why Kerry's upset.

Bridget: I'm still the most popular girl at school! (Screams) And Jason said I'm even hotter than I used to be!

Cate: Really? Even though you broke your nose?

Bridget: Oh, yeah, about that. I told everyone I had surgery--y'know, a nose job. They totally bought it!

Cate: You told your friends you had a nose job?

Paul: Yeah, because you totally don't need it, by the way.

Cate: Bridget, how could you tell everybody you had a nose job?

Bridget: Well, you didn't expect me to tell them that daddy broke my nose, did you?

Cate: Yeah! I expected you to tell the truth!

Bridget: Yeah, mom, I can hear you. But just--I just don't get it! I mean, weren't you the one who told me I should go to school and fight my fears and all that?

Cate: No, your father said all that crap!

Paul: Well, at least she listened!

Cate: But that resulted into an awful result.

Bridget: Me happy is an awful result?

Cate: No, Kerry upset is an awful result!

Bridget: Really? I always thought it was Kerry Hennessey.

Paul: Bridget, would you just listen to your mother and I as we talk?

Bridget: Dad, I'm listening.

Paul: You're gonna have to tell everybody at your school tomorrow that you didn't have a nose job. You're gonna have to tell them the truth.

Bridget: Wha--do I really have to?

Paul: Yes, you do.

Bridget: Fine! Jeez! (Rushes up the stairs) This is the worst day of my life!

Paul: (smiling at Cate) I've stolen the magic powers!

(Scene: Bridget and Kerry's room. Kerry is showing her anger by ripping a pillow as Cate enters, as she knocks.)

Cate: Hey, Kerry, you busy?

Kerry: No, it's okay. I'm just showing my anger. (She keeps on ripping a white pillow)

Cate: Oh, okay. You can keep doing that. That only cost like a hundred dollars. (chuckles) Are you okay, Carebear?

Kerry: (crying) No, I'm not okay, mom! This was my last chance to become popular, to have someone look at me and talk to me! But I'm just still invisible. At school and at home. Oh, who am I kidding? I'm invisible everywhere.

Cate: Kerry, you're not invisible.

Kerry: I just wish--I just wish that God would just swallow me right now. (Looks at her mother) Mom, she--she broke her nose! She looks like a complete mess, and everyone's still running after her!

Cate: Oh, that's not really the story, hon.

Kerry: What are you talking about?

Cate: Look, sweetie, every human being goes through lots of difficulties in life. And, frankly, it's not easy. It's not going to be fun. Or happy to you. But that doesn't mean you should just quit right there. You should always fight for your life, struggle and find your passion. Someone out there's gonna want to be with you, listen to your problems, give advice, and just have the best time ever. (Long Silence) It's gonna happen.

Kerry: Okay. So let's say you're right, mom. But, in that case, then why doesn't Bridget go through this stuff as well?

(Long Silence.)

(Scene: The Living Room. Paul is there as Cate walks downstairs.)

Paul: How'd it go? (Cate sighs) Ooh, there was pillow-anger, huh?

Cate: Yeah, but she's fine right now. She just needs some time alone.

Paul: Oh. Good. So you've taken back the magic powers?

Cate: Nah, I still got some for you.

Paul: Really? I thought superheros aren't always ready to have...(Bridget enters as Paul and Cate quickly step away of each other) Hey, Bridge!

Bridget: Hey. The two of you were about to have sex, weren't you?

Cate: No!

Paul: No way!

Bridget: Yes, you were. And you were gonna do it right on the couch...EEWWW! (Pause) Anyway, so Linda McKenzie, that blonde bitch who had a major crush on William Chandler, yet I don't blame her; he is hot and sexy...(pause) Yeah, so that Linda somehow found out I didn't have a nose job, but broke my nose so she just went over and told the whole school! How embarrassing is that?!

Paul: Ooh, very. Yeah. Now, Bridget, I think Kerry wants you upstairs, so why don't you...

Bridget: Okay. (Starts to go upstairs, but returns and takes her purse from the couch) Do it over there; I don't sit there. (Goes upstairs)

Fade to Black.

(Scene: The Living Room. Cate is there as the kids enter with Paul.)

Cate: Hey! Hey, guys! Hey, Rory, so what did Mrs. Waltz say about your Shakespeare assignment?

Rory: Oh, she said it was good. But she said that she expected I'd speak more about the story than about the movie.

Bridget: Mom, do I have any calls?

Cate: Yeah, some guys named Rick, Will, George and Donny.

Kerry: And me? Do I have any calls?

Cate: Yeah, Mrs. Piano, the librarian, and Mr. James.

Bridget: (giving Kerry the thumbs up) Ooh, Kerry, score! (Pause) All right, listen to this. (Turns on the answering machine to hear her messages)

Rick: (on the answering machine) Hey, Bridget. It's Rick. Really looking out to going out with you this Saturday. Call me.

Bridget: Okay, next.

Will: (on the answering machine) Hey, Bridget. It's me, Will. I'm calling to remind you about our date this Saturday. I'll call you.

George: (on the answering machine) Hello, Bridget. It's George. Call me if you're still on Saturday night. Bye.

Bridget: And last but not least...

Donny: (on the answering machine) Hey, Bridge, it's Donny. Can't wait for Saturday night! See ya! I'll call you!

Bridget: The end!

Paul: And, Cate, did anyone call me?

Cate: Yeah, the neighbors.

Bridget: Ooh, dad, score! (Gives Paul the thumbs up)

Rory: (afraid) I don't wanna know who called me. (Goes upstairs)


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THANKS ANYWAY ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !