Here I go again, trying to make yet another attempt to parody yaoi! When will I leran?
Please don't flame me. I burn easily.
On with the fic!
The Yaoi Problem
Somewhere in the Midwest, in an unassuming suburban house, a teenage girl was busily typing her 4,564th yaoi fic. She chewed her lip, stuck on a particular plot point.
"Hmm…" she wondered to herself. "How can I prompt Axel and Roxas to have hot sex this time?"
Axel stripped down, preparing for Roxas' massage, the girl typed out.
"No," she sighed after a moment, deleting it. "I've already done a massage fic 1,349 times. And I've only written the fic well 678 times."
Roxas relaxed nude in a hot spring, unaware that Axel was sneaking up behind him, the girl typed out.
"No," she sighed again, deleting it. "I've already written three fics where Roxas is the uke just this week! And I can't make Axel the uke…it's just wrong in ways I can't satisfactorily describe!"
Roxas walked into the Secret Place, leading Axel by the hand, the girl typed out.
"No," she sighed yet again, deleting it. "It doesn't make sense by any of the laws of canon, and I need at least some continuity to separate it from mindless porn!"
She paused. "Ironic, considering 3,106 of my yaoi fics are mindless porn."
The girl decided to just bite the bullet and get to the point.
Axel and Roxas prepared to have hot, steamy sex! Why? BECAUSE I'M THE AUTHOR, DAMMNIT! AND I WANT HOT AKUROKU SEX! SO THAT'S WHAT'S GONNA HAPPEN! the girlfeverishly typed out, overcome with maniacal giggling.
That little annoyance out of the way, the girl happily began to write detailed, passionate man-sex to her heart's content.
The front door swung open with a bang, a loud voice carrying through the halls. "I'll empty the dishwasher later, Mom! I need to post a new chapter or the reviewers will kill me!"
The girl froze. "Great stones of Sora!" she gasped. "It's Ultiman92! I haven't submitted this yaoi story on his profile yet!"
She began to hurriedly pound away on the keyboard. "If I hurry, maybe I can submit what I have before-"
The door flew off with a bang, and an absolutely breathtaking male teenager strode into the room, his hair glinting in the sunlight. His eyes were clear pools, pulling in every girl who dared to look into their depths. His skin was –
"Oh, enough with the self-indulgent author descriptions!" the girl grumbled, rolling her eyes. "We get it: you think you're gorgeous. You don't have to go into detail."
"So what if I am irresistible?" the teen said loftily, tossing his hair in a very bishounen manner.
"Your hair isn't long enough for you to do that," the girl pointed out.
"Shut up," the teen hissed. "You're ruining my moment."
"You're not really that good-looking anyway!" the girl protested. "Look at yourself! You're a pasty, gangly nerd with bad posture!"
"I can't possibly think of any way that description could apply to me!" the teen said hotly.
"You spend all day inside, writing fanfiction instead of doing anything remotely physical," the girl reminded him.
"Okay, one way," the teen amended.
"Hey, why did you kick the door down?" the girl demanded. "You left it unlocked."
"I feel like Chuck Norris when I kick down a door," the teen grinned. "It makes me feel powerful."
"Power you most likely will never have in real life," the girl muttered.
"Shut up," the teen snapped. "Why are you in my house, anyway?"
The girl stood up, trying desperately to look older than thirteen. "Ultiman92, I represent-"
"Don't tell me," the teen groaned. "Fangirls Advocating Gay Groupings, the group with the most offensive abbreviation in history?"
"How did you know?" the girl asked curiously.
"I was visited by another representative a few stories back," the teen said, shuddering at the memory. "She tried to get me to join the masses of yaoi authors. Judging by your position, I'd guess you're here to do the same thing."
"You know, almost no one is going to get that reference," the girl pointed out. "That was a Sonic the Hedgehog fic, whereas this is Kingdom Hearts. The two franchises are almost completely unrelated. Nearly everyone reading this has no idea what you're talking about."
"It's continuity!" the teen growled. "Continuity is good!"
"Not when it's as obscure as your other fics," the girl said scornfully.
"You never answered my question," the teen accused. "Are you trying to post a yaoi fic on my account?"
"Yes," the girl mumbled, staring at her feet.
"Then I've got only one thing to say to you," the teen replied.
The girl tensed, bracing herself for a preachy anti-yaoi lecture.
"Sit down," the teen instructed, indicating the table with the computer on it.
"Huh?" the girl asked, blinking.
"Sit down," the teen repeated. "You're getting back to work on your fic. And I'm helping you."
The girl looked even more confused.
"See, I can tell by now that nothing I say or do is going to make yaoi go away," the teen explained, "so I all I can do is show authors how to do it well."
"Okay," the girl said confusedly, sitting back down in front of the laptop. The teen stood next to her, hovering over her shoulder.
"Start from the beginning," the teen instructed. "I'm going to show you what you're doing wrong."
What have I gotten myself into? the girl thought, placing her hands on the keyboard.
Are my jokes as bad as I think they are?
Sorry that this chapter focused so much on me and the fangirl. The next chapter will have more "real" fic material.
Again, try not to take offense. I have nothing against yaoi, except for the fact that this site seems to have more cookie-cutter yaoi sex than original work with good plots. I'm not looking down on you, just trying to help you out.