Summary: Allen puts his faith in the bond of mutual trust he and Kanda share because it is the only thing keeping him sane.
Disclaimer: Don't own.
Author's Notes: This is completely based on my interpretation of Chapter 169. I'm using the quote from page 15 of this chapter. And it was Allen's face in the last panel of this page with the blood smudge on his cheek that inspired this. Also the last panel on the last page of this chapter where Kanda and Allen walk away together had some influence too. Be warned that some of my interpretations are bound to be wrong.
I move through the steps expected of me mechanically; defending the defenceless while searching for the next innocence.
Our current mission has brought us to London to find, obtain and bring back a haunted ring that had belonged to a recently deceased chess champion. But getting the ring is proving to be a whole problem of its own. The horde of akuma are expected, even if their numbers are larger then what we normally see. It was the requirements of the ghost that had us stumped and stuck in this graveyard for the majority of the night. It was necessary to beat the ghost in a game of chess, and since he was a champion of the game, the task was proving to be difficult.
The long drawn out game proved to be too much for the barrier constructed by the founders and Miranda was forced to use 'Time Out' in order to keep the game out of the way of the battle. With her occupied, Kanda and I were the only once left to destroy the akuma. My sword slashed through them like butter leaving behind a trail of crosses in my wake, a sickening twisted parody of how akuma left behind black stars. This comparison did my restless mind little good, only serving as another reminder of my connection to the Earl and his 'family'. As if seeing his label stamped across my forehead every time I looked in a mirror wasn't enough.
Unlike me Kanda seemed to relish the fight after being cooped up in headquarters after the battle with the level 4. His sword flashed gracefully – so unlike mine – through the bodies of the enemy leaving nothing living behind. His smirk was predatory and he seemed to relish in baiting the akuma and actually traded insults with some while slaughtering them instead of moving in his usual silent style. His hair matched the new black uniforms, allowing him to blend into the night; only the glow his skin, the flash of his sword, and the screams of his enemy giving any indication of his passing.
The game was coming to an end, and so were Miranda's reserves from what I could tell. Her shield was faltering as one of the akuma, who had broke through while Kanda and I were otherwise preoccupied, tried to push past it. Quickly I cut through the skull of the akuma in front of me, frowning slightly at the cross that was burned into the mangled flash, and sprang to the 'rescue'. As expected of the good, obedient, loyal exorcist. Even one with a parasite growing inside his head.
I hear the repetitive, insulting chanting of the creature as I land before it, my back turned to it. Without bothering to turn, I scold it, not really hearing myself, and strike. It loses an arm first, meaning that I missing. I was hoping to end it with one strike. No matter, the second swipe of my sword leaves it in two pieces; dead. A drop of its inky viscous blood lands on my cheek and I resist the urge to snarl down on its unmoving body parts.
"Pitiful akuma, may your soul find salvation." I hear myself say in a dead voice.
I used to see akuma as nothing more than trapped human souls who needed saving. They are still that, but the idea that this thought process was brainwashed into me by the only parental figure I knew sickened me and made me resent saving the akuma a little. I still think that what Man -no, not just Mana; I - believe is right, and I will still continue on this path. But knowing that Mana, who I had trusted so completely, was the reason that thing was in my head revolted me.
Slowly it seemed like all the people in my life that I have given my trust too were being revealed as fakes. First I find out that Mana implanted his brother into my head, next Cross tells me that this connection to Mana was the reason he showed any interest in me, and then even the Dark Order, which I would give my life to fight for, is doubting me. All I need to make this complete is to have Kanda walk out on me now.
Kanda had always been a part of my life while in the Order, and I had always felt a connection to him. More so then even Lavi or Linali, even though they are friendlier, because both still had family left and their ties with their family would always be stronger than anything I can have with them.
Kanda was different from them, and consequently more like me. He was also an orphan send to the Order to be another 'soldier' for the 'good' side; another body to be sacrificed in this war. Like me, he will continue walking and fighting and surviving, no matter what. Like me, he is alone. Or was alone.
Him and me. Who would have thought right? But it's pretty obvious when you look past the surface. We had never been able to leave each other alone. Kanda can't ignore me and I can't politely defuse him. We are always exploding at each other. Eventually all the tension has to go somewhere, and since we can't fight it out – sparring doesn't count – then what other option was there?
It changed things between us. In public our behaviour makes it seem like we even get along because we are no longer constantly bickering. But there is no need for that anymore. The tension is gone, or at least it's changed as our relationship changed. We don't see each other as follow exorcists anymore; now we're partners, be it on the battlefield or elsewhere.
It's not love, or even like, because Kanda can still be a jerk. It is a sense of trust and silent companionship between us. We don't talk much, since there is very little need to; we just are when we are together. There is nothing else.
If I was to lose this unconditional mutual trust between us, be it by him betraying me or by my paranoia getting ahead of itself, I don't know if I would be able to cope with everything.
I would truly be alone.
Then the thing inside my head would be the only thing left.
I don't know if I am strong enough - without my parent, or my teacher, or my lover - to fight it.
And then the thing will be alone.
And I will be gone.
No salvation for the damned.
A/N: This was a pretty rushed piece. And I could have maybe done better and gone into more deatail but I was trying to create a distant, disinterested feel to Allen's thoughts (did it work?)so I felt that leaving it like this was better. If you have any questions, or if any of my info or references are wrong then please let me know and I will try to fix them.
Read and review PLEASE!