-1Summary: It's not everyday when a kid comes up to you and calls you Mommy, especially when you're Suoh Tamaki. More so when said kid calls Ootori Kyoya as his Daddy. KyoTama. For darkmirth. Crack.

So, this is my foray into one of the more famous clichés in fan fiction. I hope that I did it justice. Yaoi because I like it that way, and darkmirth likes it that way as well. Supposed to be posted in my yaoi only account, but can't help but post it in this one instead, just to surprise and/or annoy my KyoHaru readers.

We have an OC here, but is not in love with any of the main characters (le gasp faint shock) in any romantic way whatsoever and his only purpose is to bring the two hot male characters and persuade them to have hot gay sex for the joy and nosebleed-inducing scenes of deprived yaoi fan girls, i.e., the author of this fic.



The day is bright and sunny, birds are chirping in the air, and people have actually gotten off their asses to enjoy the day, instead of lounging about in their putrid beds.

And one person in particular is very happy about the day as he plans to go out and explore more of the proletarian ways with his beloved Haruhi and posse. Of course, if a certain dark-haired teen he likes to call his best friend hears that he is lumped in with the 'posse', our hero will find his balls unceremoniously cut off and fed to pigeons.

Therefore, he makes it a note to only refer to them in that slang term in his head.

So he dresses, calls for the chauffeur, and politely refuses the maids' offers of breakfast. He heard that the local mall's fast food stores serve breakfasts high in sugar, caffeine, and fat. He can't wait to try and sample it. Maybe he could even get Cook to make it for him sometime.

Ah, the joys of research.

But as the car glides smoothly out the ornate gates of the Suoh Mansion Number Two, he spots a figure crouched by said ornate gates. Curious, he tells Driver-san to stop the car and he steps out, approaching the small bundle apprehensively.

It turns out to be a boy, who can't be older than three or four and is holding a ragged stuffed toy that must have been a bear in its past life.

"Are you lost, little one?" Tamaki asks the little boy, crouching low to take a better look at the boy.

The boy's head slowly turns upon hearing his voice. Tamaki is surprised at what he sees. Dark hair that looks soft to the touch, flawless pale skin, and, most shocking of all, huge violet eyes that are so similar to….

Before he can finish the sentence, the boy stands up and throws himself at the gaping teen, shouting tremulously.


Mine, he finishes in his head instead.


"Um, where do you come from?" Tamaki inquires of the child, staring at him squarely in the eyes. Big mistake. He is again reminded of how those eyes are exactly like his. Their eyes are so similar in fact that it's creeping the Suoh out.

They are in the Bentley on the way to the mall. After getting over the initial shock of an unknown kid clinging to him and calling him Mommy of all things, Tamaki had gently explained to the child that he was not his mother. The main reason being that he is not equipped to be so. Second was that he is male. And third, he is meant to impregnate, not be impregnated.

But the child would not relent, insisting that he is his mommy, and that he has been searching for him for so long.

Tamaki was about to tell Driver-san to get back in the car so they could hand the child over to the nearest police station, when the kid suddenly used the most fearsome weapon toddlers his age possessed.

Cute, huge, teary puppy dog eyes.

No one is immune to it, Tamaki swore as his resolve crumbled, and in a fit of sudden maternal love, he took the boy to his chest, rocking him until the tears subsided.

"There, there, calm down," he said soothingly and led the boy to the car. He slid into the seat with the boy in his lap and began to bounce him on his knee, like his mother or father used to do when he cried. It calmed the child somewhat and he cuddled on his chest. Tamaki couldn't help the warmth spreading in his chest as he hugged the boy closer, petting the downy ebony locks.

"What's your name?" said Tamaki softly.

"Silly Mommy!" the child crowed happily, glad that his 'mother' was here with him at last and in his arms. "You forgot my name?" The child giggled before burrowing deeper in his embrace. "You named me Akito Jean-Luc! You wanted to give me a completely French name but Daddy said that I have to have a Japanese name as well. But you and Daddy call me Aki."

Tamaki face faulted. "Um…parlez-vous français, Aki-kun?"

"Oui, Maman!" the boy said happily and continued to babble on in French, which, he explained happily, Tamaki himself taught him.

So, back to the present where Tamaki is still coming to grips with this strange boy named Aki.

Aki throws his mother a confused look. "What do you mean where do I come from? Daddy told me that one day you both wanted children, so the stork came in and delivered me and then you both loved me, and will forever love me because I am your son."

The cute face crinkles. "But Uncle told me that it happened one night and it involved sweat and a lot of moaning. Hey, Mommy, what really happened? 'Cause it sounds painful."

Tamaki's soul nearly departs from his body. He is not meant to teach anybody sex education, for the love of God!

"Er, um, I'm…sorry…but I have no idea," he stammers instead and Aki just stares at him before shrugging. "Where are we going?" he asks instead, jumping in excitement at Tamaki's lap.

Tamaki looks at the little boy in his lap. The small, trusting eyes staring at him in absolute adoration and enthusiasm at the day ahead. His own interest outweighs his common sense (as it always does) and he finds himself wanting to spend a little bit more stolen time with the child before he has to hand him over to his real parents. It is wrong, he knows that, but he can't help himself.

It's the eyes, he thinks. Those huge eyes that mirror his own so much he won't be surprised if people say that they're related.

"We're going to the mall to meet…Mommy's friends," Tamaki answers and ruffles Akito's hair, "I'm sure you'll like them."

Akito nods happily and sighs in his mother's warm touch.

He has missed his mommy for so long. It's really nice to be with him again. Now, if he can only find his Daddy, then their family would be whole again….


"Tono," starts Hikaru, staring at the child in Tamaki's arms.

"Who's the child?" finishes Kaoru.

The whole club is assembled in the ground floor of the local mall, all staring intently at the very cute bundle in their leader's arms.

"Is he a relative you're supposed to baby-sit?" pipes up Haruhi.

"He's cute!" says Hunny to general agreement.

"I don't know, really…." Tamaki says but Aki's excited squeal interrupts him.

Aki shoots his arm forward, his face lighting up in absolute joy, reaching for the dark-haired man in glasses who is staring impassively back.


Tamaki's jaw drops.

Well I'll be damned….


Kyoya just looks on at the child who is trying to reach him from his position in Tamaki's tight grip.

"There must be some mistake," he says, straightening his glasses in a threatening matter, "I can't be your father."

"Daddy!" the child repeats, by now straining to get to him. The boy huffily snaps back to the blond. "Mommy! What are you doing? Daddy's there. I want to get to him."



Three loud laughs echo throughout the floor as the twins and Hunny can no longer ignore the surprising and amusing situation.

"You didn't tell us that there was something happening between you two, Tamaki-senpai, Kyoya-senpai," Haruhi says, blinking.

"I can't believe that Tono's the uke!" sniggers Kaoru.

"But you should have seen it coming, since Kyoya-senpai is more dominating," chuckles Hikaru heartily.

"Auntie Haru!" the child says, now reaching for the girl. Haruhi smiles at the child, gently plucking him out of the unresponsive blonde's embrace.

"Why would you call Kyoya-senpai your father?" she asks the child, voicing everyone's thoughts.

"Because he is!" the child answers condescendingly, raising an eyebrow, "Are you okay, Auntie?" He stares at everyone. "You are all acting so funny! Is it April Fool's today?"

"What's your name?" inquires Hikaru, shooting looks at their beloved King who is slowly turning into dust.

"Akito Jean-Luc Suoh-Ootori!" Aki says proudly, "Heir to the Suoh-Ootori empire, the greatest business empire in the world. I'm three!"

He gives his 'Daddy' a peace sign. "I got that right, didn't I, Daddy?"

The rest of the Host Club follows their leader's example and crumbles into dust out of sheer shock.

Ah, fuck. The shit finally hits the fucking fan.

Kyoya snaps out of it first, grumbling in German. Aki frowns at his father.

"That's not nice, Father," Aki tells the man in German, "You shouldn't be cursing like that."

Kyoya looks at his supposed son with wide, disbelieving eyes. "You can understand me?"

"You guys are getting weirder by the minute," Aki says, rolling his pretty violet eyes. "Of course I can. You taught me the importance of learning different languages. You said that it would help me a lot in future business. Mommy taught me French, and you taught me German. Auntie Haru is in the middle of teaching me Mandarin Chinese as well."

He puffs up himself proudly. He then turns to his still unresponsive mother.

"Mommy!" he yells in French this time, "Are you okay? Would you like to lie down?"

Kyoya looks at the child and takes him out of Haruhi's grasp and into his own. The child immediately cuddles to his chest, like he did earlier with Tamaki.

"I like it when Daddy carries me," the boy admits, his chubby hands caressing the strong muscles of his father's pecs. He gives Kyoya a large grin. "I love it especially when you and Mommy hold me at the same time."

Haruhi, Hikaru, Kaoru, Hunny, and Mori would have 'Awww'-ed at the scene had Aki not suddenly exclaimed:

"Uncle Hikaru! Uncle Kaoru! You were supposed to explain to me how I was born. You said that it involved sweating and moaning for both Mommy and Daddy, and it really sounds painful. You promised that you would explain it more."

Before Hikaru or Kaoru can save their asses--or laugh them off, whichever comes first--they feel two deadly auras with malicious intent training on them.

Tamaki has already snapped out of his trance at his 'son's' words and is now giving the twins his most dangerous glare while Kyoya is doing the same.

"You both are banned from being near my son again!" are the harsh declarations that spew from both teens' mouths.

Wait, did I just refer to him as my son?

To Be Continued


A/N: So, did you guys like it? I had a lot of fun writing this. I wrote this while I was pumped full of Oreos and chocolate chips. It's my attempt at a true crack fic, so I really want to hear your views in this.

Disclaimer: Aki had the Ootori secret police on me when I tried to stake claim on his father--Daddy belongs to Mommy and me, you stupid, pathetic authoress! Get back to your cave!