A/N: A little something my brother and I came up with (a good chunk of it anyway. I did the rest later) late at night while sharing an attic in the Adirondacks. I don't feel this is 100 perfect, (needs more action, but there's no place to put it without damaging the whole thing..) but it got great reviews from those I showed it to, so maybe it's just me. So here it is..! Enjoy.
THE DAY THE EARTH WAS DOOMED (MORE OR LESS)
Tip-toeing softly, Elmer Fudd crept through the forest, rifle held up and ready to shoot. Spying the reader, he held a finger to his lips.
"Shhhh! Be vewy, vewy quiet..aww, you know the dwill, wight? Eheheheheh." he chuckled, and then proceeded forward to find a hole in the ground with a mailbox next to it sporting the text: B. BUNNY.
"Oh, goody, a wabbit hole!" cheered Elmer gleefully. He ran over to it and jammed the point of his gun inside. "Awight, wabbit, come out with your hands and eawrs up!"
Slowly, Bugs Bunny emerged from the hole, at first with his hands up in compliance, but then he lowered them, one leaning itself on Elmer's gun, and one reaching around his back and producing a tomato. He bit into the tomato, spraying Elmer's face with tomato juice.
"Ehhh, what's up, Doc?" greeted Bugs casually.
Elmer wiped away the tomato juice, revealing a face equally red with rage underneath.
"Well sorry, Doc," Bugs shrugged, "I was all outta carrots."
Elmer pressed his gun to Bugs' face, ready to fire, but suddenly his arms wilted and the anger ebbed from his face as his eyes traveled upward and stared behind the rabbit in wonderment. Bugs scratched his head in confusion, but quickly seized up when he heard a mechanical clanking followed by the feel of a steel gun barrel pressing into the back of his skull. He whipped around, ready to give whoever it was what-for, but his words were cut short when he found himself staring at a very long, red, telescoping barrel, stretched to maximum magnification. It stretched upward into the sky at an angle.
"Now dere's somethin' ya don't see every day." he said as an aside.
Elmer walked around Bugs' hole and inspected the contraption more closely. "Wow, what is it?" he gawked.
Bugs stepped out of his hole and stood mannerly on the other side of the barrel.
"Why this, my naïve chum, would be the barrel of a mighty big laser cannon." he explained, then leaned in and whispered, "Although confidentially, I think it's a rather poor attempt at a plot twist."
"Wow, a waser!" exclaimed Elmer, ignoring the last part, "Where do you suppose it comes fwom?"
"Tell ya what: you stay here and keep that gun o' yours warmed up, and I'll go have a look-see." proposed Bugs as he stepped onto and started walking up the laser.
Elmer nodded. "Yeah, awight, that's a good i-hey, wait a minute! You're not getting away fwom me that easiwy, wabbit!" he growled, and began running up the laser. Bugs yiped and started running himself.
The two raced up the laser at full speed, up through the clouds and all the way into space. They ran and ran, all the way from the blue globe labeled 'Earth' to a slightly smaller red globe labeled 'Mars'.
Panting and sweating literal bullets, Elmer and Bugs trudged their way to the top of the laser's barrel and collapsed, heaving, next to each other.
"I've got you now...wabbit..!" panted Elmer.
"Oh yeah?...Well come an'…get me, Fudd..!" Bugs panted his retort.
"Pardon me." cut in a third voice, "I hate to interrupt your quarrel, but both of you, please get off of my doomsday device. You're messing up the coordinates..!"
Elmer and Bugs looked over to the source of the voice, and found a slightly miffed Marvin the Martian giving them a cold eye from the laser's cockpit.
Getting up and dusting themselves off, Bugs said, "Oh, sure thing pally." while Elmer tipped his hat and said, "Pwease excuse us."
As the two of them proceeded to slide down one of the laser's legs, Marvin pushed a button that extended a red ladder from the cockpit to the ground. He climbed down, reaching the bottom just after Bugs and Elmer.
He got behind them and started shoving them away from the laser, saying, "Now, silly Earth creatures, run along and don't bother me. I have a mission to complete..!"
"Hooold up, Doc." Bugs said, which Marvin did. "Just what 'mission' are we talkin' about here?"
"Say, yeah.." Elmer added, "Why've you got that big waser thingy pointed at Eaw-eth?"
"Because, silly human, my mission is to blow the planet Earth to smithereens using my Plot Twist 9000 laser cannon..!" Marvin gleefully elaborated. "There will be a big kaboom if you'd like to watch.."
"Bwow up the Eaw-eth!?" echoed Elmer.
"With a Plot Twist 9000 laser cannon!?" echoed Bugs.
Marvin blinked. "Yes." he shrugged simply. He looked at the two's frozen poses of horror, shrugged again to himself, then turned and headed back toward the laser.
Bugs shook his head wildly to break the spell, then grabbed Elmer by the shoulders and shook him. "Elmer..!" he said with hushed terror, "Elmer, snap out of it..! We've got to save Oith, fast!"
Elmer blinked dizzily and croaked, "Is that you, Auntie Em..?"
Bugs rolled his eyes and sighed. "Yeah, sure, now hold still while I do your make-up." With that he produced a pot of soot and a powder puff, and began applying it to Elmer's head.
… … … … … … … … … … … … … … …
Marvin sat at the laser, resetting his coordinates, while behind a nearby boulder Elmer and Bugs crouched ready. Elmer was made up to look like a female version of Marvin.
"Alright, Doc, you got the plan?" Bugs whispered, administering the final touches of the disguise.
"Uh-huh," nodded Elmer, "onwy..this is your awea of expewtise. Why do I pway the Mawtian wady?"
"Because you're the one who is of the, ahem, proper stature."
"Right." Bugs kicked Elmer from behind the boulder. "Now get out there and break a proverbial leg!"
Elmer smiled and nodded, and then walked, hips a-swivel, up to the laser. "Yoo-hoo..!" he called, not bothering to disguise his voice, "Hewwo Mr. Mawtian man..!"
Marvin's head peeked curiously out of the cockpit. Upon seeing the lovely Martian woman waving at him, he gasped, "Oh, my..!" and his pupils turned to hearts. Quickly, he slid down the ladder and approached Elmer, who greeted him with a great big kiss, right where Marvin's mouth should have been.
"Oh..my..!" Marvin swooned, spots dancing before his eyes. He started to fall backwards, but Elmer caught him in a classic dip pose, batting his eyelashes as he did so.
Meanwhile, in the background, Bugs snuck along the ground, flowing like water. He solidified and paused, alert, by the laser's leg. His eyes darted back and forth, and then stealthily he slipped over to the ladder and began to ascend.
Marvin was gazing dreamily up at Elmer, but suddenly noticed movement in the finely polished reflection of Elmer's helmet. Eyes widening with a gasp, he saw Bugs was half-way up the ladder!
"I've been bamboozled!" cried Marvin. Breaking free of Elmer's hold, he pulled out his disintegrator ray and started after Bugs, calling, "Halt, you rapscallion! Don't you dare touch that cockpit!"
Bugs looked back in surprise, then hurriedly scrambled further upwards. Behind him, Marvin fired a few shots, but missed. Bugs reached the top and stumbled his way into the cockpit, but another shot from Marvin disintegrated his tail. Bugs stared at it and screamed dramatically before taking out a pencil and calmly redrawing it.
"Pencil;" he addressed the audience, "Never leave home without one." He turned to the dashboard, which was crammed with buttons, switches and blinking lights. "Now, how do I stop this crazy thing?" He grabbed a pair of handles that resembled an airplane's steering mechanism and gave it a few twists. The targeting screen flashed 'NOW TARGETING: WARNER BROS. MOVIE LOT'. Bugs quickly let go of the handles. He flipped a switch. A robot arm appeared, holding a cup of coffee. Bugs made a disgruntled face. He was about to push one of the buttons when someone behind him cleared their throat loudly.
Bugs slowly turned around to find Marvin giving him quite a glare, arms crossed, and hovering in the air by means of rocket sneakers.
"Err, uhh, what's up, Doc?" Bugs grinned feebly.
"Earthling," Marvin said coldly, "you've been on this planet for less than five minutes and already you are making me very angry..!"
"Ehh, so I've noticed." Bugs nodded. "Well, toodles!" He dove from the cockpit. Marvin started and tried to shoot him, but he was too late. Bugs gracefully flipped, cartwheeled and somersaulted before landing upright on the ground, where Elmer was discarding the last of his disguise.
"Hey, uh, better start runnin' there, bub." Bugs informed him, and then hurried off. Elmer puzzled for a second, but a rain of disintegration rays told him all he needed to know. He fled after Bugs as Marvin made a sharp L turn from above and flew after them.
As Bugs and Elmer ran, Elmer's face lit up with sudden realization. He carefully reached up to his hat and pulled out his shotgun from underneath it. Then, screeching to a halt, he rounded on the oncoming Martian. Marvin froze as the gun's barrel poked him between the eyes. Bugs also screeched to a halt, observing with astonishment.
"Ha ha, I've got you now, you wascawwy Mawtian!" Elmer cried victoriously. "Twy an' bwow up my pwanet, wiwl you? I'll show you..!"
Marvin gulped, then turned around and zipped in the other direction.
"Hey, come back here!" Elmer shouted, "I'm not thwough with you!" and gave chase, firing his gun rapidly. Marvin returned fire, but it did nothing to shy Elmer away.
From the sidelines, Bugs watched the action, hopping and flailing wildly while screaming, "Yeah, yeah, go get 'im, go get 'im! Go Elmer! Show that spaceman who's boss! Knock 'im fer a loop, right in the kisser, c'mon, right in the ol' smackeroony!"
In a flash, he was off and onscreen again, and sporting a yellow and blue cheer outfit. He jumped about and cheered, "Elmer, Elmer, he's our man, if he can't do it..quite frankly we're toast with a side 'a bacon..!"
He stopped his cheering and turned to the audience. "Say, I should probably be dismantling that laser right about now, huh? Pardon me for a moment.." Now outfit-less, he stepped over to the laser and stood by the leg, observing. The leg had a mess of signs pointing at a section of it, labeled things like: 'Secret Panel!', 'Look! A Weakness!' and 'Achilles' Hatch Here!' Bugs raised an arm and smartly smacked the indicated section with his elbow. A hidden panel opened, exposing a mess of circuitry and wiring.
"Now how did I miss dat earlier?" he asked the audience. Then, la-da-dee-ing a little tune, he grabbed several of the wires and switched them around. Just as he closed the hatch, Marvin zoomed back over to the ladder, panting heavily with fright and exhaustion.
"I must destroy the Earth, before that crazed Earthling destroys me..!" he thought aloud.
"By all means, Doc, go right ahead." Bugs said politely, motioning up the ladder with a bow. Marvin spared him a second's glace before rocketing up to the cockpit. Elmer charged forward, steaming, but Bugs held out a hand to stop him.
"Ah-ah-ah..!" he halted. He threw an arm around the hunter's shoulders and indicated to the laser, stating simply, "Obsoive."
In the cockpit, Marvin was punching away at the control panel. Sweating, he pressed the last few buttons and waited tensely as the targeting screen counted down: 5…4…3…2…1…
"Where is the 'kaboom'?" Marvin asked, incredulous, "There was supposed to be a big, mind blowing, planet eradicating-"
Elmer and Bugs flinched as the laser cannon flew apart with unparalleled force, and then watched as a very bedraggled Marvin flew across the starry sky.
"Make a wish..!" Bugs joked.
Elmer closed his eyes, smiling. A whistling was heard overhead, and Marvin's disintegrator ray landed right smack into Elmer's arms. Elmer gaped joyously at it, and quickly turned it on a now very nervous looking rabbit. Bugs gulped.
"I had to say it, didn't I?" he said as the screen circled in on him, and then into blackness.
… … … … … … … … … … … … … … …
Porky appeared in the red circles and said, "That's the en-uhh, that's the e-uhh, that's, uh, bedee-a-bedee-a-bedee, that's all, folks!" before the story ended for real.