Chapter OneChapter One. Mornings are bullshit

Some would say that the morning was the best time of the day, you were refreshed after just waking, and had the whole day ahead of you.

Pein Nagato would say those people were talking bullshit.

He had made the severe mistake of buying a Darth Vader alarm clock, and now had to face its voice box of doom, every morning.

"Luke, I am your father!"

Of course, he'd had it so long that it squeaked every now and then, which, only made it more annoying.

"Shut-up!" his fist emerged from the bed and slammed down onto the snooze button. Unfortunately he missed, and his bedside table came down with a crash. Luckily, the house was already so noisy nobody heard it. It was one of the perks of having six other brothers.

Groaning, Pein pushed back the covers, now becoming aware of the lack of girlfriend beside him. He sighed, glancing around for her note. Konan had the presence of mind to blue-tac it to the bedpost.

Gone home. See ya at school. XX

Pein smirked, wondering what time she left; wondering if she got home without getting done for indecent exposure, after the mess he left her clothes in last night…

The seventeen-year-old climbed out of bed, rubbing his eyes; mornings were never his time of day.


The snoring could only mean the lazy swine wasn't awake. Hidan groaned, he'd been trying to act patient, whispering in his friend's ear, in a vain attempt to wake him up.

"Kakuzu? Kakuzu, I can't feel my fucking legs!"

His patience was wearing thin, in fact considering how early it was, he was quite proud of himself. Last night, Hidan made the mistake of staying over at Kakuzu's to watch pirate movies. The two of them fell asleep and the idiot over-balanced and fell on top of him.

This had to be sexual harassment, he knew his friend wanted him. He was always doing dumb ass things like this.

"Goddamnit, shithead! Get off me!"

"Mmm?" Kakuzu opened one beady eye, "Shut-up, Hidan…"

"Get off of me – stinking mother fucking pervert!" Hidan snarled, punching him sharply in the shoulder.

Kakuzu rolled off him, sitting on the coffee table, which was pretty much covered in fake film cases and dirty magazines, "You have a foul mouth this early too, huh?"

"Deidara! Deidara – let me in!"

The blonde teenager had made it his business to turn up the plugged in radio on top of the laundry basket. He was straightening his hair, his blue eyes locked on his reflection in the bathroom mirror. In his other hand, he was doing his eyeliner.

"Deidara! Open the fucking door!"

His little sister, Ino was outside, cursing and screaming. Still in her dressing gown, her usually perfect blonde hair a frizzy mess. It made his sadistic side smirk.

Today was more than that. Today, he had four periods with Sasori, so he needed to look his best.

Some people slept at night. Sasori Akasuna was being to see that he wasn't one of them. He claimed he did, in order to get away from Deidara's online chats, to which the blonde would ask if Sasori slept in the nude and thought about him. He spent his nights working away on his puppets, sculpting and painting them, fixing the ones that broke.

At times, his grandmother would join him, working on puppets of her own. It was what they did, ever since he came to live with her as a small child.

At seven-thirty, he would remember he had school and abandoned his work to get ready. Two hours before, he'd take a break to put a blanket over his sleeping grandmother. That was the only time he stopped working on his beloved art.

She made a conscious effort to close the door quietly. Unfortunately, the old man had the ears of a cat.

"Konan, is that you?"

Silently cursing herself, she rushed upstairs, holding her coat (Pein's brother's coat which she liked) around her as she nearly tripped on the dodgy middle step. She could hear him getting closer; more specifically she could already hear his stupid comments if he saw what she was wearing.


"Yes, Jiraiya?" she replied, once she was safely behind her nice locked door.

"Did you just get home?"


"Are you sure?"


"Were you with Nagato again?"

"Yes," she sighed.

"Next time, tell him I said hi."


"And is that your coat?"

"Not really."

"Make sure you return it."


"And Konan?"


"Make Nagato buy you some new clothes to replace the ones he breaks. Understand?"

"I'll ask, Jiraiya."

"That's my girl."

"I'm not your girl."

"We'll work on it."

"Zetsu-san," he was tugging at the older boy's sleeve. He had been for a long, long time.

"Mmm, what?"

"It's nearly time for school," Tobi poked him in the cheek, "Tobi is a good boy so he woke you up in time. So, can I join your group now?"

"I dunno," he rubbed his face, "I'll ask Pein. Go get dressed, okay?"

"Will do, Zetsu-san!"

Zetsu groaned into his hand as Tobi scampered away to change out of his super-man pyjamas: that damn kid had gotten into his apartment again!

Itachi Uchiha was beginning to think peace and quiet was the same as spiritual enlightenment. Impossible. In a vain attempt to show their father he was strong, Itachi's foolish little brother, Sasuke-dearest, had decided to train his martial arts, very loudly in the courtyard.

So from four thirty onwards, Itachi's peaceful slumber was interrupted by Sasuke's loud training. Before now, he'd been surviving by gritting his teeth and holding a pillow over his head.

Today, even this masterful strategy failed him.

The dark-haired Uchiha rose from his bed at five-forty-three exactly, and headed downstairs to the court-yard. After fifteen minutes he walked back up to bed, leaving Sasuke beaten and bruised on the floor.

Unfortunately for Itachi, today was the only day their father had bothered to watch; Fugaku Uchiha came into his room to congratulate his eldest son on being so talented.

There was no sleep for the wicked. Not ever.

Kisame Hoshigaki came to a troubling decision this morning. After their shihan left on a trip, he and the two others who lived in the house, had ordered take-away pretty much every night. Thus, the fridge had become under a terrifying transformation. A mystery meal (they couldn't remember what it had been) had grown at the back. It was a kind of furry, multi-coloured thing, which smelt strongly of rotted vegetables, and garbage.

This particular morning, Kisame and Suigetsu sat infront of the fridge, the door open, peering inside at it. The two of them had the presence of mind to wear masks over their faces.

"What should we do, Kisame-sempai?"

"Why are you asking me, brat?"

"You're older," Suigetsu lifted a gloved hand, "say… can we touch it?"

"Probably… but," he stopped him, "what if it's one of those fungi which causes an infection?"

"Like rabies?"

"I don't think rabies was caused by a mutated piece of food, Suigetsu."

"Some disease then… I really wanna touch it."

"Do you think…"


"Do you think we should get Zabuza to touch it? If he lives, then we'll know it's safe," Kisame smirked maliciously.

"Yeah! That's a good idea! And if it is infectious, he'll be too ill to kill us for making him our guinea pig!"