DISCLAIMER: I do not own Metroid or any cannon characters or storylines. I do own any introduced (aka: new) characters and storylines. I also own my own lazy state-of-affairs and unusual sense of humor. I reserve the right to only put the disclaimer with the first chapter, but it carries over to all chapters henceforth. I also do not own your personality. You are to enjoy or not enjoy this at your leisure. I also reserve the right not to care that this story contains spoilers. In other words, you shouldn't read this if you don't know as much of the cannon story as I do.


What's a Name?

Samus Aran was a famous bounty hunter, to say the least. Her enemies feared her so much they took to simply calling her the Hunter, and 'the' was often emphasized. She wasn't just any, old scourge of ne'er-do-wells. She was the scourge of ne'er-do-wells. The Space Pirates had reason to fear her; though, they often tried to say they were 'tormenting' her at every turn.

Her thoughts always wandered over her exploits when she read that particular personal record. What was she thinking when she rescued that Metroid? Honestly, she was famous for wiping out Metroids. Few knew she saved one, and fewer knew what was contained in that personal record. Idly, she tapped the playback function. Oh, memory lane could be fun sometimes.


There was slight pause before the recording started.

Huh? …oh, it's on. Ah, this is Samus Aran reporting after the incident on Planet Zebes. Wait, I forgot the star date… Ah, forget it. I haven't gotten much sleep, and I'm filing this one away under 'weird' anyway. Oh, before I forget. Computer, log this in the deepest, dankest dungeon your storage bins have.

I'm keeping this record to watch the progress of the Metroid I have dubbed…

There was a long, drawn out pause. Shuffling was heard in the background, and the sounds of glass or high-grade plastic was heard moving around. A loud 'sqree' signified a Metroid behind protective tubing.

Honestly, I need to give this thing a name. I was thinking of just calling it sqree like it always calls out, but it's just too attached to me. Probably thinks I'm its mother. Strange, I never thought they could be loyal like a dog. You know, maybe Rex, a common name for dogs a few millennia back, might suite it perfectly.

There was another protracted pause, and Samus was heard shuddering through the recording.

No, scratch that. I had too many bad images. I can't really believe I imagined this, but just think for a second. What if I actually played a game like fetch, called out 'Rex' as the Metroid's name, and another dog responded? Well, the Metroid would have a nice, canine lunch.

There was yet another pause as fingers rapped at a console.

You know what; I just made myself hungry.

She sighed.

Rex is out of the question. Maybe I'm going about this all wrong.

A loud crash filled the speakers with shattering glass, and a loud 'sqree' announced the freedom of a certain, strangely tame Metroid.

Hey! Wait, come back here! …mmph!

After a few seconds of obvious struggling, Samus took a deep, needed breath. A loud 'sqree' announced a confused Metroid.

Ugh, Metroid kisses! I swear; this thing's too much like a teddy bear…

A pause of realization created an unsteady silence.

I'll name you Teddy!

The next pause is not silent as Samus nervously chuckled.

Nope…bad idea. I suddenly had images of some poor child calling out 'Teddy' to their stuffed bear and, well…not pretty.

A languished sigh caused a small feedback in the speakers. Maybe somebody got to close to the microphone?

I could always name it after a feature. Metroids are squishy, annoying, and…

A surprisingly quiet 'sqree' was followed by a gentle 'plop' as something soft and squishy took residence on something hard and space-agey.

…cuddly? That's it! From now on, this Metroid is dubbed Cuddles!

There was one, final pause before a sudden shuffling and loud feedback screeched the speakers. A 'sqree' announced an early departure from cuddle time.

To anybody listening to this, I am not hard-up for a man!

Somebody mumbled darkly in the background.

Computer, delete that.


Samus Aran tapped her fingers on the console. She really should get that computer brain checked. Instead of deleting what she asked it to, it stopped and permanently saved the recording. How long ago was that, now? She stopped counting the years. What was in a name, anyway? She missed Cuddles. He…She…It died in a yet another fight against Mother Brain not five hours after that recording.

Samus Aran.

Famous Hunter.

Feared throughout the known universe.

She missed her Cuddles.

Yeah, that was never getting out.


WARNING: A little late, but this is my worst fan-fiction...ever. I just don't do comedy well. You can blame this on an image a friend of mine showed me, literally. It was an image of a Metroid eaching a Choa, from Sonic the Hedgehog if you don't know. Don't ask 'cause I don't know. I don't know if I was more indecisive about writing or publishing this one...

Read and Review, please. I need much help and constructive criticism with my...humor (if it can be called that...).